Invisible pain

As soon as Nikita heard what I said, she immediately gave me her full attention. She knows that my mom and I have never had a fight, especially not over something small or because of something superficial. It also happened just now. From the movement of her eyes, I can see her curiosity about the root of our misunderstanding. I quickly averted my gaze to cover the conflicting feelings I was experiencing. It scares me to think that she can read them in the blink of an eye. For some reason, I'd still want it to hide.

"Why? What's the problem?" She asked in a low tone that I could only hear. Nikita tried to catch my attention by touching one of my shoulders, but I did not look in her direction. "When we last spoke, didn't you say that she had once again left your home?"

I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. I don't want her to judge my mom only because of what she is doing in her life, but if it's not just her, I don't know what else to say. Nikita has earned my trust more than any of our other mutual friends. After I've finished ranting, I'm certain that she'll bombard me with questions. I am prepared for that, and I have nothing more to hide from her at this point. She is very knowledgeable about me. It is not in my nature to conceal information from her, as I treat her as my sibling and not just a friend.

"It was this afternoon when she made her return."

I tried to draw some kind of strength from the clear blue sky above us, so I gazed up. I need some time to consider what I should say next. I am aware that Nikita will have negative opinions about my mother, but I also am aware that if I do not bring it up, the core of my being would privately suffer. I am sure it can give me an invisible pain every time I think about those things.

"If that's the case, then what's the problem with that?" she asked again innocently.

I let out another long sigh, as if by doing so I would find the strength to tell her everything that was getting on my nerves. I could feel her fiery eyes staring at me, but I didn't mind or even bother to look at her. I was afraid that if I did that, the pressure of all of these feelings that have been building up in my chest would suddenly compel me to start crying. And I don't want it to take place. Nikita's gaze follows my every move precisely. I reached down and grabbed a pebble before promptly dropping it into the body of water. The water immediately swallowed it up and became calm again, as if I had not done anything.

"It's fine if you want to tell me everything later, Amelia; I understand if you're not ready right now. I won't put pressure on you to do it, especially if I know it's difficult for you." Nikita's words reflected a deep sense of understanding that made me more emotional.

After hearing it, I turned back to look at the ocean in the far distance. I need to do it because otherwise, if I don't, the tears that I have been fighting for a while might finally break free. I don't want her to see how weak I am in front of her. I want her to understand that I am capable of handling everything, just like her. Just getting it out of my system will prevent it from building up further inside me.

"She returned to our house with a companion. Nikita, this is the issue that my mother and I are dealing with right now." After a moment, I responded that I was unable to prevent my eyes from growing hot. When I turned to face her, I noticed that my every breath was filled with rage. I saw how she furrowed her brow as a sign that she was confused by what I was talking about. "And in her life, that man is not just a man. Because that man is quite important."

She didn't answer. It's possible that she was holding off on responding so that she could hear the rest of what I had to say first.

"It's okay for her to marry someone else; after all, Dad is gone, and if that's what makes her happy, that's fine. The fact that it has just been a month since he left us is the one thing I simply cannot come to terms with. We have not yet moved on from our grief. We have not yet reached a point where we can fully embrace what has taken place. If she is unable to respectably bear the situation for an entire year, I hope she will at least let it go for six months. What she did was as if she wished that Dad would be gone from us early." I feel the need to let out my frustration right now. "It seems as though she is in a rush to find someone to take Dad's position in her life. Doesn't it make sense for her to still feel sorry for me? Nikita, you are aware that I have no problem with what she is trying to do in her life, but at this point in time, it is not the right time for her to take that step. It is not fair for her to blame me for why I reacted in this manner and became frustrated as a result of what she did, right?"

Once more, I felt utterly terrible for my dad. I couldn't imagine that Mom would do that to him. Dad loves her very much!

"Amelia, now I know why you responded in such a way. You walked into the woods without thinking, despite the fact that you were well aware that this was a bad idea. I know you. You wouldn't do that if you were in your right mind. And at this point, I get it because that's how it is for me when I'm doing a lot of thinking. I am at a loss as to which way to go, just like you."

I didn't say anything about what she said, which was true.

"Are you feeling better now?"

"No," I quickly responded while shaking my head as her eyes narrowed on my face.