381. Chapter 381

After The Final Frontier

Episode 5.06

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: The Force is strong in me, but I do not own Castle. Rating: K. Time: See above.

Captain Rick Solo looked over the crowd at the Mos Eisley Cantina and smiled. He especially enjoyed the sounds the new Celtic punk Scots band were playing. If only they'd stop yelling that nonsense about how there can only be one and quit waving their swords around. But, he sat in a booth and tapped his foot to their cover of A Touch of Grey. Suddenly, two strangers sat down across from him. "You are?" He asked.

A dark skinned older man with a shaved head nodded. "I am Obi-wan Montgomery and this is my friend, Kevin Skywalker. You are Rick Solo, the captain of the Millennium Ferrari?"

Rick nodded. "I am. And this is my crew, Chew-Bro-Ca." Chewie, as he was called, growled at them. Oh, hell. To be honest, all he ever did was growl.

"We need passage off of TattooParlor. Now."

"It'll cost you."

Obi-wan smiled. "We can pay." However the sharp eyed man had noticed something. "I see that you do not carry a weapon, captain."

Rick Solo grimaced. "I stole a stormtrooper's bantha. While naked. I can't get a permit."

"Why would a bantha not be naked?" Skywalker asked. "I've never seen one wearing clothes."

"Don't get cocky, kid." Solo shot back.

"We'll be taking our droids with us." Kevin said. He pointed to a small circular droid and a humanoid golden droid. "They're R2-D Perl and C3P Mutter." Both droids promptly have the captain a Bronx cheer.

"They go as cargo." Solo said coldly.

Solo and his passengers soon left the world of TattooParlor behind, but not before young Skywalker had gotten a tattoo that said, "Keep Calm and Prosper".

"I would have just gotten the tee shirt, kid." Solo said examining the tattoo.

Arriving at their destination, they found only a large moon and not the planet that they had expected.

"There's been a great disturbance in the Force." Obi-wan said portentously.

"You think?" Solo muttered. Chewie roared and Solo looked at what Chewie was roaring about. "That's not a moon. It's a ship. The biggest ship I've ever seen."

Alas, the Millennium Ferrari was soon captured and the passengers and crew were led before the feared and hated Dark Lord, Josh Vader and his minion, Bobba Demming.

"Obi-wan Montgomery, my old teacher." Josh Vader said, breathing loudly.

"Is he hot for you, or something?" Solo asked. "He's breathing awfully heavily."

"Silence!" Roared Josh Vader. He turned to his dread minion. "Dispense with the smuggler."

Bobba Demming nodded, drew his weapon and shot a mobile vending machine. "I'll put the smuggler inside and he'll be dispensed."

Vader shook his head. "Buck Rogers gets a babe. Flash Gordon gets a babe. John Crichton gets a babe, and he got the same babe when he was Cameron Mitchell. The guy in that freaking Josh Whedon thing that lasted for about twelve minutes gets a babe, and what do I get?" Using only the power of the Force, Vader gave Bobba Demming an atomic wedgie. The bounty hunter ran off crying.

"Take them to the dungeon!" Vader ordered his white clad guards.

Solo shook his head sadly, looking at the guards. "Dude, didn't you ever read the Evil Overlord's List? The top one hundred things you do if you ever become an evil overlord? Numero Uno on the list is to have the helmets of your troops made with clear plexiglass visors, not ones that conceal the face."

Alas, Rick Solo's wise words were ignored by Josh Vader. They soon found themselves thrown into the dungeon on the Death Star, the SS Minnow.

Once inside, Rick Solo saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, gorgeous chestnut hair, hazel eyes, long, long legs and a perfect ass. He was in love at once. There was only one thing wrong with this paragon of all womanly virtues. "Is your head deformed or something?" He asked, seeing the odd way her hair was wrapped around the side of her head.

"This is one of my bewildering array of hairstyles." She snapped. She turned to Obi-wan Montgomery. "Obo-wan, why did you bring this childish buffoon to me?"

"Princess Kate, we hired him to come here to rescue you. He's Rick Solo, Captain of the Millennium Ferrari."

Princess Kate? Solo thought. She's a total babe and she's a princess? Maybe if I can win her, I can give up this smuggling gig and start writing bodice rippers, just like I've always wanted to. "Say, Princess, how do you feel about recreational spanking?"

"What?" Screamed Princess Kate. "My whole planet, including my mom and my signed cast photo of Temptation Lane was just blown to bits by Josh Vader. I've dedicated my whole life to getting justice for her. Don't give me a hard time, Silo."

"Solo." He corrected.

Princess Kate rolled her eyes. "Silo, Solo. Either way I'm not amused."

A muse? Better and better. But, she really needs to lighten up. Solo thought.

Chewie roared. So what else is new?

"What's that, Chewie? We've fallen down a well and can't get out?"

Solo was not as far off as he thought. The walls of their prison were closing in on them.

"We'll be crushed." Kevin Skywalker screamed.

Princess Kate rolled her eyes. "Duh! I still have my Swiss Army light saber. I'll just use the key function to unlock the door."

No sooner had Princess Kate said that, than she had the door open. They walked free. Luckily for them, they walked into the stormtroopers' locker room and found uniforms that fit them perfectly. This is also something that's on the Evil Overlord's List. Really, leaving uniforms that fit your enemies just lying around? As they were about to leave, Solo noticed that young Skywalker was reading something scratched on the wall.

"What is it, kid?"

"It says, for a good time call Meredith at 1-800-555-0007-3.1416. I just thought…"

"Don't bother, kid." Solo said, shuddering slightly.

They headed back to the Millennium Ferrari but had to stop as the Empress herself came aboard the Death Star. They quickly hid in a deserted corridor of the kind always provided by thoughtful Evil Overlords in their lairs.

Josh Vader bowed low to her. "Welcome, Ma'am."

"If my mother drops by, you can call her ma'am. You will call me. SIR! Do you understand me?"

"Yes, sir!" Vader said, soiling his undergarments.

As the Imperial party moved on, our disguised heroes ran to the Millennium Ferrari.

"Wait!' Cried Solo. "We'll never outrun a Death Star. We need to disable it." He grabbed R2D Perl and headed for the nearest computer outlet. After a brief discussion, R2D Perl inserted a long, hard…Um, perhaps we don't need to be so graphic? Suffice it to say that the plucky little droid infiltrated a super computer that was responsible for the entire moon-sized Death Star and re-wrote its programming just like that. Let this be a lesson to you. Should you ever decide to rule the Universe, do not buy your Death Star from the lowest bidder.

Solo ran back to the Millennium Ferrari and revved the engine. He slammed the Beach Boys Little Deuce Coupe into his DVD player and roared, "Wanna drag?" The ship shot out into space. No sooner was the Millennium Ferrari away than the Death Star turned and followed them.

"He's gaining on us?" Screamed Princess Kate.

"Wait for it. Wait for it." Solo muttered under his breath.

The Death Star blew itself to pieces, in a truly colossal explosion.

"What did you do?" "Obi-wan asked. "Was it the self destruct? Did you overload the warp core? Open a wormhole inside it? What did you do?"

"I had R2D Perl set the computer to flush all of the toilets at once. The rest was just simple physics.

Princess Kate kissed the ruggedly handsome captain.

"This isn't just because you lost your planet and almost died, is it?"

Princess Kate shook her head. "It's just to give the shippers some hope. We have another five years of "will they, won't they" before we get together."

"Are you sure?" Solo asked, disappointed.

"Always."