Chapter VI

Looking at that name, who's surname doesn't match mine, I feel helpeless in so many ways...

I cry for many minutes while bowing down onto the stone path, my head touching the ground and the sobs shaking me all over -I'm sorry... I should have came sooner but... I couldn't, each time I tried I froze I'm fear... I'm sorry dad, I'm sorry!- I apologize over and over, not daring to watch at that gray stone

-I... Never gave you honour, I didn't clean your tomb or ever brought any flowers... I'm sorry, I'm the worst...- I shout toward him, trying to wipe off some of the dust -To think you died because of me and yet I treat you so badly-

More memories about that night come to me...

Father was been weird lately, more than so... Since before my birth he started becoming weary of something unknown, and later on it had become even more evident... We had no money and that made it even worse.

I remember being worried for him, just the overall feeling but nothing more since I was too young... Probably around 5 or 6 years.

One night I hid onto his little ship, inside a box. My mother said that I was worried about dad doing shady business since he was often going out at night and that's probably why I decided to follow him.

I recall hearing a woman's voice, shouting to my father... That night was storming and I was so afraid of being out in the sea. Once I realized how mu father and that woman were fighting I left my hiding spot and run to him, calling for him... The woman was on another boat, a big and expensive one... After she saw me she went feral. I don't remember what she was mad about but all I remember is that our boat was shaking so heavily and we clashed with her's a few times...

My father said something, he yelled something asking why I followed him... Then a thunder hit the woman's boat and it snapped in half, crashing against us...

I fell in the water and saw my father and the woman fighting there too... He was reaching to me as I drowned but he kept trying to stop him... When I was loosing conscience I noticed the woman's hand on my father's neck while a knife penetrated her abdomen.

Anything else is blurry... I still don't know how I survived, maybe someone saved me or maybe I just drifted off to the shore... Maybe I even swam myself, but forgot it due to the shock.

...

I rest my arms over the tombstone and lay my head down, sobbing and gasping for air.

I realized only after what happened... My father was having an affair behind my mother's back, the mistress had no idea about my father's family and upon seeing me she realized the truth... So basically I killed my father.

One simple act of kindness, of worry... A kid's love for their parent, brought him to death... And with his death much worse happened, we fell completely in poverty and mother became sick... To this day I get scared of the sea when it's storming...

-All because of me... I ruined this family... I'm sorry, I'm sorry- my voice sounds high-pitched and almost inaudible, I cover my ears with the hands to push away all the screams in my mind -I know, it's my fault...! If it wasn't for me you would still be alive... Mom wouldn't...! I'm sure we would still have managed to be happy... Dad... I'm sorry...- I hiccup while talking into the nothingness, starting to feel lightheaded after crying so much.

...

I hear the sounds of steps approaching and rise my head, wiping the tears away, it's probably the Duke coming to pick me up for the ride back. I wipe off more dust from the tomb and stand up -I apologize for the terrible sight...- I say before he could call me out as a disgusting cry baby, looking down on the ground.

He stops in front of me and doesn't say anything, like he usually does.. Yet the silence is too intense this time, too long even. I rise my head and see him staring at the tombstone with wide eyes, completely shocked as hundreds of questions run through his mind.

-This man... How do you... Know him?- he asks, faking calmness. I tilt my head confused -Why do you ask? He was... My father-

He brings a gloves hand to his mouth and takes a step back -He had children...? No that's... Impossible, that's not what I knew-

His words somehow scares me -You knee my father?! How?! Tell me everything, please!- my risen voice seems to call him back to reality and he recollects himself, shaking his head -No I didn't, not personally. How come he's your father yet you have different surnames and no official correlations?- he simply asks

-I don't know either... I wish I did...- I say, pushing away the need to ask him more to wipe off some more tears -I'm not an illegitimate child so why can't I carry my father's surname? Nobody ever told me the reason, not because they don't want but more because they don't know... The other Nobles don't believe I am his child, they say my mother cheated and had me with someone else and my father still forgave her and took me in but couldn't bring himself to name me after him. Some even say I'm falsely claiming to be from his family only to earn money... As if my father had anything left before dying-

I take a deep breath -But none of that is true, I am his actual kid and of that I am sure. He... Died because of me-

He presses his lips together, looking at the sky behind me -It's getting dark, let's go back. We can talk more on the boat- he reaches out an hand, I look at it and then his eyes -Am I allowed to touch you?- he rises an eyebrow and grabs my hand first -Let's return-

And so we make our way back to the dock, our ride back is mostly spent with me talking about how my father died. The Duke silently listen to everything I say, not adding a single word nor showing any emotion for my story... He only looks... Confused? As if he knew this story from a different perspective.

I want to know more, I want to talk with him, I don't want to part ways on the wharf, I want to grab his arm and stop him as he walk away, I want answers to my doubts...! Why is he so interested? What does he know about my father that I don't?!

But I don't do a single thing, I stand there unmoving while watching his back moving away from me. Twisting my hands in regret...

"Can I... Talk with him again after today?" I think, his figure becoming smaller and smaller... "Am I just letting him go this way? No... No!"

-Lord Duke!- I shout and see him turn his head behind -Thank you...- I manage to say and wave my hand goodbye.