Chapter 18

The first thing Ranma saw as he stepped through the portal into the Tendo home was Nabiki. She sat at the living room table staring with a silly grin at a small pile of yellow coins in front of her. Ranma couldn't understand why this struck him as inherently wrong until he realized he had never seen Nabiki so happy before. This was bad. A happy Nabiki meant many other unhappy people.

He was taken further aback when Nabiki looked up at him, her grin becoming marginally wider. "Ranma, we're so happy to see you back. Why don't you go to the Dojo. Akane's in there, and I think she has something she wants to show you," she purred idly stacking the coins in neat rows.

S.s.sure Nabiki. Anything you say," Ranma stuttered nervously, carefully backing away from the happy girl. As soon as he was out of sight Nabiki dived for the phone, clicking on the quick dial.

"Ukyou, how much would you pay to be the first to receive some very important information?"

He would have been almost relieved to see her acting in a more typical fashion. Almost.

When Ranma reached the Dojo he heard the thump of feet, and shuffling. Wondering who could be in the room sparing with Akane, he opened the door. He saw a female figure hurtling towards him. He instinctively moved to cushion the impact of the person landing on him. This had unfortunate consequences as he noticed an angry Akane glaring at him. "Er, hi Akane. Long time, no see," Ranma chirped.

"Ranma! You're alive! I'm so happy to see you survived! I was so worried!" Ranma did a double take, not expecting such emotion from the Tomboy. An odd feeling of tension overcame him as he realized the voice had come from the girl in his arms rather than Akane.

"Ranma! I can't believe you! You're back five minutes and you're already fondling all the girls around you!" A now glowing Akane stalked towards him, her favorite hammer in a ready position.

Ranma looked down to see a familiar face, alarmingly close to his. "Jess? What are you doing here? I thought you were staying with the monks?" a shocked Ranma asked. "How did you get here? You aren't even from this dimension?"

"You can stop groping her, you pervert!" Akane shouted as she slammed her hammer down on Ranma's head.

"Erk, sure! I mean I didn't mean nothin by it. I mean..." Ranma, now aware of the embarrassing manner he had been holding Jess, quickly put her on feet. He hadn't taken any notice of the impact from Akane's weapon. His brain was too frozen in shock to even pretend it had hurt.

He was a still a little too slow, from behind him a new voice carried, "Ranma, you have finally arrived. Now we can return to my father's kingdom and marry…what are you doing with that lowborn tramp in your arms. I knew you were after my Ranma. Training, bah. I should have realized it for the pathetic excuse it was. Prepare to die, you little harridan!" The poised declaration of love, slipping into a screech of rage.

"Cindra? But...How...Why...How..." Ranma sputtered.

"You brought back two new fiancées? This is a new low even for you!" Akane shouted, oblivious to the fact she herself had thrown Jess into Ranma's arms.

"Ranma honey, I'm so glad you're back," the voice of a brown haired chef drifted in from the main house.

"Shampoo glad too! Now we go back to China and live in village. Yes?"

A hail of sharp objects flew over his head, as Ranma tried to absorb the events taking place around him. "Ranma! I will not let you molest my Shampoo. I will defeat you..." the voice would cut off as the thud and crash of a body slamming through a wall was heard.

Ranma was at a loss. He was sure there was an important reason he had come back to Nerima, but at the moment it escaped him. Hades seemed like a nice place to visit in comparison. Sunny, green, only one incompetent psycho, and a few cat demons after him. Hmm, Abdul-Ra seemed to like him. Perhaps a short visit would be in order. Still pondering the wisdom of a vacation, he ran out a newly created Ranma sized doorway in the wall of the doorway and ran as if there were a pack of Raksasha chasing him down the street.

He passed Kasumi sweeping the walkway, as he exited. "Oh, Ranma. You're back. How nice! And you brought you're friends. Be sure to be back in time for dinner," she called out pleasantly to the retreating youth.

He was slowly out pacing the large, expanding mob following him when a portal opened over his head and a mangled, bruised Ryouga fell on top of the fleeing martial artist. "Ranma! This is all your fault!" croaked the injured lost boy as he temporarily pinned a very surprised Ranma beneath him.

He was incapacitated just long enough for the mob to catch up with the tangle of limbs, laying in the street. For quite some time afterward, they took turns alternately beating and hugging, kissing and killing a very confused pigtailed martial artist. It was an interesting welcome home.

Ranma trudged through the kitchen wearily. It was the next morning and he still ached from the beating he had been subjected to. Fortunately, he had been able to discourage his father from wasting too much of his time this morning by a few well placed kicks to the head.

"Morning Kasumi. What's for breakfast?"

Oh...just the usual..."

"Hey! Wait a minute! I almost forgot! I got some spices that the people in the market said you might find interesting," he immediately reached in to subspace and grabbed it to give to the oldest Tendo girl. He realized he had been a little bit hasty when he found himself holding on to a brush that seemed intent on battering the already bruised boy.

"Oh, how nice, a brush. I can never have to many of these," Kasumi said, and reached for the wildly gyrating cleaning instrument before Ranma could stop her.

He was relieved and immensely surprised when the brush lapsed into calmness at her touch. "It was very thoughtful you. Oooh, look! It even cleans by itself. What a helpful brush." Ranma looked on in wonderment as the brush began to polish the floor around them.

"Well you know me. Always thinking about others," Ranma modestly acknowledged. "Look I have even more," he said as he began pulling the annoying tools, one at a time from storage. Just as the first one did, each struggled until touched by Kasumi, whereupon it would begin cleaning the area around it as directed by her.

"Oh, and here's the spices, too. I got some for Ukyou and Shampoo, too," he magnanimously added. A wide smile was spread across his face, he hadn't realized how irritating those things had felt until he had removed them all from storage.

"What about Akane?"

"Well I wanted the spices to be used as a force for good..." he didn't finish as a mallet slammed into the side of his head. "Oh, hi Akane." The girl in question growled in frustration at having her strongest blows ignored.

"Well what about me?" she growled, jealousy oozing from her.

"Well I got this for you along the trail to the Timiro Kingdom," Ranma said as he drew out a large war hammer. Even in the morning light a slight blue shimmer seemed to cling to the mirrored metal surface. He didn't mention the huge ogre who was it's previous owner. He figured if a weakling like him could effectively wield the large weapon, Akane with her sheer brute strength could easily handle it. For once he kept silent in regards to his opinion. Weapons weren't for real martial artist, but hey, if someone wanted to rely on tools, fine, let them.

"It…it's beautiful. Thank you," Akane said hugging her gift. Ranma was glad he had taken the time to clean the dried blood and mud off of it.

"Yep. I figured a violent Tomboy like you could handle it if anyone could," Ranma said without thought, inevitably losing his war with his mouth.

"Die Ranma!" Akane's hammer blow was accompanied by a huge thunder crash as the hammer's enchantment augmented her blow.

Wow, Ranma thought from deep inside his impact crater, that actually hurt. A lot. Maybe giving her an enchanted mallet wasn't the smartest thing to do. Gotta admit, she sure looks cute with it.

Later in the day Ranma slipped away from the house. He had studied the circle book all night and this morning. He was confident he could explain the procedure in exquisite detail. It was now time to confront Cologne.

Entering the Nekohanton, he looked around the café. Not many customers. That was good, fewer distractions. "Hey! Old gou...er...Cologne! I need to talk to you."

"Oh Ranma! You date with Shampoo?" the purple haired blur asked as she attached herself to her husband.

"Er...no. I need to talk to Cologne. It's really important. Oh yeah, here's a gift. I would have given it to you yesterday, but I was kinda occupied." Ranma handed her the scabbard flaming sword he had taken from a guard.

"Very nice! Ahh!," Shampoo dropped the sword as it burst into flames. Ranma deftly caught the blade by the handle and returned it to her.

"Yeah, and if you point it at something and say the word Acba, it shoots fireballs," Ranma nonchalantly stated.

"Ooh, Shampoo so happy! Acba!" she said, promptly pointing it at an innocently sweeping Mousse. She watched in enjoyment as he flew in a graceful arc out of the window. Sheathing the sword she promptly hugged Ranma again.

"Greetings, son-in-law. I see you have been to some interesting places. It is fortunate you found your way back, I was worried you would be lost forever. I wasn't making much progress finding you."

"Gou...Cologne. I need to talk with you. Alone. I have something you might find interesting."

"Hmm…Shampoo, take care of the customers. Son-in-law and I will be in the back."

"I acquired something that might interest you. Probably enough that we can come to some sort of arrangement," Ranma nervously began.

"What kind of arrangement, son-in-law?"

"I have a book that gives precise instructions on the creation of a circle that would restore youth to the user."

"Hmm. Really now, son-in-law, do you really expect me to believe this without proof?"

"After we agree on terms, I'll give you the book. If it is not magic, you can give it back and everything we agreed upon can just be forgotten. You can't lose." Ranma stated gaining some confidence as he laid out his argument.

"We'll see if I can't lose after you say what you're after, son-in-law."

"Well, um, it's simple really. I'm going on a mission for a god soon…"

"God?" Cologne interrupted skeptically.

"Yeah, Thoth, God of Wisdom. He gave me this book for the sole reason of getting you, Happossai, and Pops, to train me in everything you know about martial arts. Says I'll need them."

"Alright, sonny boy let's see this enchanted book," she said raising an eyebrow.

"Well, all right. Don't touch the book before we come to an agreement. It will enforce the contract between us."

"Just how do you know this person you were talking to was a god? You aren't really stupid, son-in-law, but you do lack somewhat in wisdom."

"Well, he said he was," Cologne snorted, and he continued, "he cast some spells, teleported at will, was about twenty feet tall, and has the head of a really big bird."

Cologne was silent, absorbing the odd information.

"He was pals with Anhur, another god, who made me his champion. I can now teleport too. It ain't that accurate though. I think I ended up in England or Germany somewhere. Oh, he also said I could speak any language."

"It that true?" Cologne asked in Chinese.

"Well, I guess so I haven't had a chance to find out yet. I also took this amulet from the guy who summoned me. And it seems to do the same thing, so who knows," Ranma said, oblivious to the fact he was speaking in perfect Mandarin.

"Well it seems you have had a few adventures while you were gone, son-in-law." She wasn't quite sure if she believed him, but Ranma was a notoriously poor liar. He obviously believed what he said. It wouldn't hurt to humor him, even if he turned out to be deluded. "You can tell me about them later. What are your terms?"

"Well, as I said I want training in all the techniques you know and your help to convince Happossai and Pops to teach me everything they know. The use of the circle for myself, my family and my friends. Oh, and you also don't support Shampoo in her hunt for me or take any action against me."

That's quite a bit, son-in-law. Although I am the Matriarch of my tribe, I'm not sure I could promise all that."

"C'mon Cologne. I ain't stupid. You need an heir, bad. You and Happossai are over three hundred years old. I know you're getting desperate for someone suitable. With this you wouldn't need Shampoo so bad."

"Do you really hate my granddaughter so badly?"

"No!" he exclaimed in exasperation. "Look, I know she's in a really bad situation. But the first time I saw her she's trying to kill me, the next thing I know she loves me. Those laws of yours are stupid. I mean really, if I beat her once, and she promises to hunt me down, what's to keep me from killing her the next time I see her. I mean if I fought women. Don't you lose a lot of warriors that way?"

"We did in the beginning. The law encourages the Amazons to be the best. Eventually we were. It wasn't made for the likes of you though. I must admit though, I'm the only Amazon that stands a chance against you in combat. Would my leading the tribe into the future be worth creating someone I would most likely be unable to defeat? What if you turn against us in the future? What if you teach our enemies our secrets?" she sighed wearily, if Ranma hadn't been fooled these were very serious issues.

"I ...I could promise not teach anyone your techniques without your permission. You know I keep my word. And I wouldn't attack your village...unless you did something really, really horrible to me or my friends. I don't think you'd do that."

"True. Such an action on my part would be unwise, but you'd still be a loose cannon."

"Well, what if I promise to help defend your village. You know that not much can stand up to me. Especially after you train me. I mean defend, too. If you go off and attack someone on your own, I ain't lifting a finger. I'm no trained attack dog for no one," his conscience twinged as he thought of his deal with Anhur.

"Keep in mind that my not actively supporting Shampoo isn't going to stop her. The law states she must win you or face punishment. Even If I had a hundred more years as Matriarch, it would be difficult to change the law."

"Ha! With this circle you'll have more than a hundred. I'll try to keep the situation as stable as possible until you do. It'll probably help that my patrons will probably be sending me all over the place for a very long time," Ranma grumbled, halfway looking forward to it.

"I couldn't guarantee Happy's aid. He does what he wants. He always has," she said sadly.

"If you dangle youth in front of him I know he'll leap at it. It will be a pain dealing with him as a young pervert, but with both of you training me, I could do it. Besides, if you use the magic of the book on him he'll be under contract to teach me too."

"Just how powerful is this 'contract'?" Cologne asked suspiciously.

"I don't know. It was created by Thoth. He said he also asked some Greek girls for advice."

"Greek girls," Cologne's eyelid twitched.

"Yeah, Atheta, or Arena, or maybe Athena," Cologne's staff creaked under the strain she unconsciously placed it. "Yeah that was it, Athena. The other one was like a sneeze...er, Hecate!" Ranma stated triumphantly. Cologne's staff snapped.

"I suppose that would be fairly powerful, then. Athena is the Greek Goddess of wisdom and war. Hecate was one of the Titan precursors to the Greek gods. She was known as the Mistress of magic. Although the Amazons no longer actively honor these gods, they are known to me."

"So what about it?"

"Hmm, that leaves only your father. As weak a willed ninny as any male I've ever seen. I don't think we'll have a problem getting him to agree to train you in those 'forbidden' techniques, and giving you his blessings to use them," she said with disdain.

"Well, he may be pathetic, but he is my Pop," Ranma rallied a weak defense.

"My apologies, son-in-law. You have my agreement. Training, no interference with your relationship with my granddaughter or with your friends, and help convincing the two deviants..."

"Hey!"

"...to fully train you. If what you say is true, regarding the book, that should not be much of a problem. In return you will give me the enchantment of youth, your aid in defense of our village, and your promise to not pass on our secrets to outsiders without permission."

"Alright!"

"So be it. I still hope that someday my granddaughter will succeed in her goal, future-son-in-law. Now give me the book," she said while reaching for the slim tome.