Chapter 5. The Empty Vase

Consciousness found me the following day just as dawn was breaking over the horizon. Sunlight entered the room where I had stayed the night and softly touched on my still closed eyelids.

Amazingly enough, I had been able to sleep, despite my overcharged brain and emotions.

Maybe the reason for it was that I had finally decided to apply what Abraham and the other guys had advised, and stopped my over-analytical brain from trying to understand and control everything.

As I brought my legs down to the ground and stood up, I went to the window that overlooked the backyard and stared out towards the corner where the trees were being bathed by the lengthening rays of the sun.

Memories of the past night flooded me and a frisson went down my spine. Those trees, and everything that I had witnessed so far, had overturned me in every way, but funnily enough, for the very first time, at least in my adult life, I was beginning to understand what hope felt like.

I was done questioning everything, and I was now promising myself that I would see this entire experience to the end, wherever that may be; even if it became the most painful adventure I had ever faced in my life. I had no clue where I would be led, or what I would discover, but somewhere deep in me, I knew that this would be the one adventure to beat them all.

Curiosity had begun to bloom again within me after last night, something that had been absent for a very long time. I especially wanted to unravel all there was to know about that sick tree at the Glen of Past, because somehow when I remembered it, I felt weirdly identified with it. I also wanted badly to unravel the mystery held within that tiny island, the magic contained in this whole place, but most of all, I wanted to know who those three men, with whom I felt such an affinity, were exactly.

As my mind went through these thoughts and reflections, and as my eyes stared at the beauty of nature outside, my heart became overwhelmed by remembrance. I felt my being squeezing tight inside me at the memory of what my daughter, Samantha, would have said if she were here with me. She was a particularly curious person, but unlike me, she was an absolute ray of sunshine; someone who only saw the bright side of everything, just like her father.

At the mere thought of my beloved family, intense and slashing pain went throughout me, so I had to push those thoughts away. All I could do for them now was wish that they were okay after what I had done.

Just as I was turning away from the window and the gorgeous view, I heard someone calling me softly from downstairs, then footsteps coming up, and finally, someone knocking on my door. I told whoever it was on the other side to enter and I was met with the sight of Michael, who had come to tell me that breakfast was ready for us and that after it, we would go to the Glen of Past. I smiled at him in acknowledgment and as soon as I did, he turned around and closed the door. I went to get ready before coming downstairs.

When I finally arrived in the kitchen, and after bidding everyone in there a good morning, I was told by Abraham and Emmanuel that they did not need any help, and that I could go ahead and take a seat; that they would be joining me in a few minutes. I did not see Michael anywhere and I wondered for a moment where he could have gone, but following my promise of earlier, I did not ask and moved towards the dining room.

The moment I entered it I almost did a double-take when I saw the beautiful mahogany table laden with platers of food. There were eggs, French toast, pancakes, muffins, fruit, yogurt, sausages, coffee, milk, orange juice, and apple juice (as expected), all ready to be eaten by just the four of us. I didn't know about them, but as for me, I did not think I would be able to eat all that, no matter how appetizing it looked.

However, I did not comment and went to take a seat, at one of the chairs, while I waited for everyone to join me. In the meantime, and because the kitchen and dining room were only divided by a long island, I silently watched the interaction between Abraham and Emmanuel.

The sight brought forth a veritable tsunami of fond memories that immediately caused my heart to contract painfully and melancholy to overcome me. Just as these two men were fully enjoying just by being with one another, happy with each other's presence, so had my family enjoyed those wonderful moments during breakfasts shared together. As for me? I had only had pretense to show, and a fake happiness to share because I had long succumbed to the darkness. I had become incapable of those moments together.

Shame, sadness and regret began to eat away at me like acid, as I faced in my mind the depressing reality of what I had become, while a malevolent voice inside, soft and insidious, whispered that I had done the world a favor and that someone like me did not deserve a chance.

Whatever little hope I had been able to gain so far suddenly went up in smoke in the face of the deep and terrifying fear that spread and ate at me like a hungry hyena. My eyes closed and my head fell forward onto my chest, as tears began to stream down my cheeks. How could someone like me, who had caused so much pain, ever be forgiven or saved?

Just as I began to feel myself being sunk a very unexpected, but absolutely astonishing thing happened. From deep within my soul a very powerful sensation of warmth began to emanate and spread forth throughout my entire being, and as it did I felt the iciness of guilt, of regret, and of shame being washed away. I knew for a fact that this amazing power was not coming from me, so I brought my head up from its earlier position, to see if I could understand the mystery.

It was then that I became aware of a figure that had come to sit next to me, and when I looked up, my eyes clashed with Michael's sweet, gentle brown ones. The moment our stares crossed I knew that he had somehow known what had been going on inside me. However, instead of reproach, what I saw was an encompassing tenderness. I understood then that this powerful feeling inside me was coming from him. My soul unfurled completely and latched onto Michael's warmth and light causing a connection between the two of us that made me feel as if he and I were now soulmates.

"Hello Em, are you okay?" Michael's soft voice asked me once my trance had passed. His tone was sweet and revealed nothing of what had just transpired between us. I was grateful for the chance he was giving me to compose myself. While I thought about my response, I returned my eyes towards the other two men, who were still roaming around the kitchen.

"Mhmm," I said turning to look at Michael again, while I cleared away my tears. "Well, to be honest with you I am not completely sure how to respond. This morning I woke to witness a beautiful dawn and while I did, I allowed myself the chance to think about what happened yesterday. But I also could not help but think about my family. It brought me great sadness to think of them, and the hurt that I might have caused them. And just now, as I waited on all of you to join me for breakfast, seeing Emmanuel and Abraham sharing so much joy, I could not help but remember the happiness they were able to share, while I was nothing more than a raincloud, incapable of sharing anything with anyone. I became overwhelmed Michael, because all those memories made me see how deeply I sunk into darkness and despair and now I cannot stop thinking about what I did. How much harm have I caused to those I love? How can I undo what I did? How can I change the person I became? How can I even dare to ask for anyone to help me through this? Is a person like me even worth saving?"

Without delay, Michael took my hand in his and squeezed tenderly, pouring further warmth into me. His eyes, though still gentle, took on a firm look that told me he meant business.

"Okay, Emily, let me ask you this. Are you able to change now what has been done? Can you undo the paths and decisions you took?" I was shocked by those two questions, because I could foresee that the logical answer was no; at least, I did not think it was within my power to change the past. Yet somehow, I knew that the real answer was much deeper and I would only come to know it once I had walked the path that had been proposed for me. So, of course, as I saw that Michael was still waiting for me to answer, I simply shook my head.

Michael smiled and squeezed my hands that were still inside his. It seemed that he had been able to read my inner conversation somehow and had been pleased with the result.

"Good Emily, so, if you cannot undo either a decision, or a path, that has been taken, if you cannot change the consequences, so what can you do?" Michael asked me and my only answer was to shrug my shoulders because I had no idea of what to say.

"What you need to do," Michael proceeded to say, "is to clean the blackboard and begin anew. Doing this does not mean that your past, or its results, will ever be erased, because that's not how things work. In fact, the tracks you left behind can become the building stones for the new you, if only you learn how to put the good and the bad in their proper places. You need to be open to learn from your past and use it as your launching pad. But when you give yourself the chance to first empty yourself, of yourself if that makes any sense, if you allow yourself to be reborn from the ashes, then you can start to rebuild yourself, and as you do so, everything else will start falling into its proper order, regaining in this manner the harmony that brings with it inner peace. And it is peace, my dear Emily, what your being has been seeking for a long time."

"How do you do that Michael?" I asked, awed by his answer as my body turned fully to face him. I really was hungry for the tips he had to give me on this. There was nothing I desired more than to find that all-elusive inner peace. "How does a person stop being who they are? It's like asking a mountain to become air. How does a woman, a mother, a wife, a person, forget that her choices caused a debacle and all because she could not simply get herself together? How do you forgive yourself for hurting the people you love the most, and yourself? You yourself said it with your past question, didn't you? It is not possible to undo what has been done, much less change the person that you were born to be."

Michael kept his eyes fixed on me, but instead of anger, or even impatience towards my ever recalcitrant self, I saw a fire that started to shine within those beautiful orbs of his. It almost seemed as if my last statement had turned on something within the man. And hard as I tried, I could not look away from him, not simply because something in me recognized a power beyond anything I could have ever experienced, but also because my soul wished to connect and open up to that power and maybe find that which it had lacked for so long.

The fight between my human, logical self, and my soul, was over within a second and it became evident that Michael sensed the end result, because he rewarded me with one of the most beautiful and warming smiles I had ever encountered.

"The first thing you need to understand is that you cannot change who you are. All that you are, all that is a part of you, will not go away, no matter how hard you try. So, how do you empty yourself? How do you become empty of yourself so that something new may be born from the ashes? Well, first and foremost, you must realize that you cannot do this by yourself. So, and here is the hardest part, you need to relinquish yourself to the care of someone who can help you. Who? I'm afraid that is an answer you already have, but you do not yet wish to fully acknowledge. Another thing that is also crucial is, you must be open to release all of yourself to a most healing power: forgiveness. When you, helped by this higher power, are able to understand your past for what it is, accept that you can only start rebuilding by forgiving and moving forward with the willingness to change, and entrust all control with the certainty that anything and everything planned by this higher power will be for your benefit and wellbeing, then you can say you are empty enough to start rising. And then, finally routed in the correct direction, when your emotions, past choices, and human traits, are placed in the healing and guiding hands of Love, Hope, and Faith, you will start walking new paths that will lead you to places you would have never guessed were possible. But most important of all Emily, you will do so accompanied by what you have yearned most to feel; inner peace."

"But how in the world do I do that Michael? I have never known how to release control, much less to a power I do not know. Furthermore, how do I change myself so that I can learn to forgive myself and rebuild from the mess that I became? How do I achieve all that marvel that you are mentioning right now?" I asked with a bit of desperation, but also with growing hope. I so wanted to reach that level he mentioned.

"Openness, but also humility, will be your greatest allies in this. You already gave that first step yesterday when you opened yourself to what you experienced in that garden and accepted it. At that moment, you were empty of yourself, neither your human traits, nor your "baggage", interfered and thus you allowed something that is bigger than you to fill you, and lead you and that is why you were able to experience everything as it was meant to be experienced. Now, you are before a journey that will be filled with moments like those of yesterday, maybe even more meaningful, that will expose you, and make you see yourself in much more depth than you ever have. You will be vulnerable, but as you allow your humanity to be strengthened and filled by faith, you will be able to face everything and not just answer your questions, but also straighten your life. Once you do that, you will grow and become the person you were always meant to be."

I stared at Michael with my mouth slightly agape. This guy was truly something else, and just as I had surmised, he, like the others, was not precisely what they appeared to be. This only fueled further two things in me: my curiosity to know who Michael and the others were, and my hope in this crazy journey to find myself.

The two of us did not say anything else for a bit, and just looked at each other smiling; after all, what else could I say? I had been totally sold on his plan. I could not wait for all his promises to come true.

"For now, how about we just stuff ourselves full with this delicious food, and then we start finding those answers you crave?" Michael proposed as he jovially turned towards the laden table, still smiling widely. The powerful sense of joy and happiness that emitted from him was contagious and for the first time since I could remember, those feelings became a part of me too. So I nodded my head and turned towards the food. But, I had one final and vital question I needed to ask first because it weighed heavily on me and might become an obstacle later.

"Michael, please do not be mad at me for asking this, but, would I even have a choice in this whole matter?"

Michael took my chin with his hand and pushed my face up to look at him. His eyes, I saw, were now stern, but gentle, as he said: "Never believe that you do not have a choice Emily; that is the first thing you must understand about this. You have always been free to choose; if not, you wouldn't be here now. We are not forcing you, nor is anyone forcing you for that matter. If you come on this trip, it is because you have decided to accept that what we have told you is true. If you do not want to do this, then you are free to tell us so."

I released a relieved breath and relaxed.

We had been silent for a moment, waiting for the others to join us so we could start, when suddenly, Michael said, staring away from me, "People say that God works in mysterious ways. Maybe He is here giving you a hand. Maybe He wants to make this process a life-changing event that will also help your family and others out."

I didn't mean to be offensive, but at the mention of the word "God", I couldn't help but laugh. God? That had been a concept of my childhood, nothing more. Could there be a God, a person who was supposed to love you unconditionally, when I had been left alone my entire life to stew in my sadness? Where had God, if He even existed, been? I know that I was not the best person in the world, but even I would have deserved a bit of mercy and love, right?

"I take it that from your laughter, you don't believe in God," Michael stated, more than asked.

"That is just an abstract concept, a dream given to people in order to help them survive the harsh world. The truth for me is that we are alone, and we can only depend on ourselves. We are powerful enough to survive on our own. God means nothing to me."

Michael released his fork and knife and turned to look at me again. I don't know why, but this time his stare made me feel ashamed. Then, when he said his next words, I was forced to realize how nonsensical I had just sounded.

"Are you telling me that after what you have gone through, especially yesterday and today, you can still hold together that notion that God is nothing more than an idea, and that you, humans in general, are capable of doing everything all on your own?"

I did not say anything in return, because in truth, there was nothing for me to say.

Michael shook his head, released a sigh, and turned back towards his food, while he said, "Well, you might want to start opening your mind, as I said before, to re-discover an old friend. Because you and I both know you did not always question the existence of God. In fact, I think He used to be one of your closest friends, wasn't He?"

I was astounded by Michael's words because I had not told them such a thing. But given the mysterious abilities, these three men seemed to possess and that gave them access to my most intimate thoughts and emotions, I figured them knowing my life was not as strange as I thought it was.

"Well, you may not believe in God now, but that doesn't mean He does not exist, and maybe, He believes in you. Maybe He has always waited for a chance to come back into your life and show you that He is real and that you have never been alone. But you need to figure that out on your own," Michael said.

I nodded and without a word, returned to the food that we had started to serve onto our plates, without waiting for the others to come. My mind couldn't stop turning the words Michael had just uttered; that I had never been alone. Could it be possible that it had been I, and not God, who had forgotten?