Chapter 27. Ripples

Jamie

It had been a full week since Bishop Carmichael had come to visit Emily and ever since that last time, when I had seen him leaving with the look of a man who has experienced something otherworldly, I had felt a sharp desire to see him again and ask him what had happened that had made him look like that. But, he had not come back and when I called his office, I was told that he had left for the Vatican and had yet to return.

What in the world could have happened to Father Carmichael inside my wife´s room? What could have caused him to come out in a daze, completely oblivious to his surroundings? What had he seen or experienced that had put such an enlightened look in his eyes?

I had been thus engrossed in my musings, when I heard someone insistently, and almost desperately, calling me. And as if I had just landed back on earth, I turned to realize that my daughter Samantha had been the one trying to get my attention.

"What did you say, sweetie?" I asked and my teenage daughter released a sigh.

"Where did you go to, Dad? I have been calling you for almost a full two minutes now. Dr. Saunders is wishing to see us in his office. An ICU nurse came in here and tried to tell you, but you were completely zoned out."

The mention of Dr. Saunders had an immediate effect on me and my brain finally engaged fully.

"Did the nurse mention why he is calling us?" I asked almost in fear, thinking that maybe Emily had had a new setback.

"No, she simply said that he would be waiting for us in his office."

I nodded my head and then turned my eyes towards my teenage son, Brian. Unlike Samantha, who despite the pain and difficulties had managed not only to pull through but become my main support, Brian had become isolated and brooding. In fact, more often than not, he and I ended in squabbles over the smallest things. And he had taken a very irritating habit of coming into the hospital – that´s when he wasn´t out with his friends partying which had been happening a lot lately – hooked to earbuds and playing really loud and annoying metal music.

Things had gotten so bad with my son, that whereas in the beginning he would visit his mom every day, sometimes he would be in her room for as long as the ICU policy would allow, now he never went in. He always had a look of utmost boredom, and he would go off with every little thing. He had also taken to wearing black clothes and if it were not because I had forbidden it, I knew he would have pierced his body and tattooed it as well.

Releasing a sigh, and dreading the almost unavoidable conflict, I moved to my son and removed one of his earphones. As expected, Brian looked up at me with anger in his eyes and a clear challenge in his body language.

"What?" he simply said.

"Get up Brian, we are going to see Dr. Saunders. He needs to speak to us."

"Why should I go? It´s not like anything is going to change, and plus, you are her husband, not me. You can tell me later," Brian answered and moved to re-plug his ears. However, I yanked them back down and went as far as to force not only the earbuds but also his phone from his hold.

"What the hell? Dad, you cannot do that! Give my stuff back!" my son began to raise his voice and challenge me.

"You are going to move your behind from that chair, you are going to come with us, and you are going to listen to what the doctor has to say. Because the person in here is your mother, not some stranger, and she would like for you to be aware of what is happening."

My son´s anger only grew, and his next words did not simply shock me but saddened me greatly. It was evident that my son´s pain had transformed into resentment towards his mother. And while I could understand his feelings, I could not allow them to deepen.

"Why should I care about what happens to her when she did not even think of us when she decided to end her life? Why should I waste even one second on a woman who could not wait to abandon us? Did she think of our pain and suffering when she jumped from that waterfall? Huh? Answer that for me Dad and maybe I will feel like I should be interested.

"We´ve been in this godforsaken place for the longest time now, wishing, waiting, and praying for her to recover, to understand what happened, to understand why she would decide that it was better to leave us to rot in misery. But up until now, this has been nothing but a rollercoaster where we see her going down and then up and then back down, and where we have had to see you only getting deeper and deeper into despair. And all because of her selfish actions!" Brian yelled.

"And, please, spear me the God speech now, okay? Because I can see it coming. God is nothing but a hopeful illusion for those who are unable to reach out by themselves for what they want and need. If He existed, if He were not a lie invented to fool us and prevent us from reaching our full potential, our real potential, then He would have done something by now. How long have you prayed, huh Dad? I´ve seen you, and all our family, and still nothing. So, tell me Dad, why should I care?"

I did not immediately answer my son, and in fact I did not intervene while he had been spouting nonsense, because I knew he needed to let that all out. The fact was that I could not completely fault him for what he was saying and feeling. Hadn´t I had the same thoughts for the longest time? So, instead of scolding him, I took him into my arms and embraced him tightly.

At first, Brian went as stiff as a board, and then, I felt his body moving to try to release him from my hold. But finally, after a bit, he gave up and embraced me back. His face went down towards my neck, and I began to feel tears on my skin.

I moved my child back and stared into his eyes, my hands taking hold of his face gently.

"I know you are angry, Brian, and I cannot say I do not understand your feelings. There is nothing I can say that will make this easier for you, or for any of us, for that matter. I could spend hours trying to show you why it is not true all you said about God, but I know you will not listen right now. And I could also scold you for saying what you have about your mother. But I will not, because I can relate to all you have expressed. So, here you go," I said as I handed Brian´s phone and earphones to him. "You are a grown man, and you must decide how best to live your life. Feel free to come with Sam and I or stay here if you prefer. I will let you know what was said if you are interested."

I then turned to place my arm on Samantha´s waist and began to usher her out of the waiting room and towards the doctor´s office. We had not taken even ten steps from the doorway when we heard Brian calling for us. We waited for him to catch up and the three of us resumed our journey.

When we finally reached the door of the good doctor´s office, I knocked gently, and he asked us to come inside. As soon as he saw us, he smiled and asked us all to take a seat. We did so silently and waited for him to speak.

"What I am about to tell you all will be utterly shocking, and trust me when I say, no one has felt more shocked than me," Dr. Saunders began while I held the armrests of my seat nervously. I observed how the doctor shuffled papers on his desk as if he were trying to give himself some seconds, and then he cleared his throat, and my heart almost jumped out of my chest.

"There is no easy way to say this, so I will just come out and say it. I am sure you remember that a week ago, after Bishop Carmichael´s visit, I was informed that there have been some astonishing developments in Emily´s situation. The nurse on shift that day told me that not only had Emily´s vital signs shown total recovery, but her body itself showed no signs of deterioration despite not only the damage suffered from the fall and the exposure to the waterfall´s harsh conditions but from her long bedrest. Furthermore, I was informed, and I tested it myself on that day, that she was showing neurological improvement as if her nervous system had not suffered."

The doctor stopped speaking for a few seconds and beside me I became aware of both my children tensing up. I think we were all waiting for the underside of these good news that indeed had been communicated to us on the precise day when Father Carmichael had left Emily´s room looking all strangely. But what came next was unexpected.

"From that moment on," the doctor proceeded to say, "I began to run test after test of every type on Emily to ascertain if there had indeed been a change for the better, or, if, like we have experienced in the past, it was nothing but an up before the downslide. And all I can say right now is… nothing but a miracle can explain this drastic change of events."

All three of us gasped at the same time but my eyes went directly to my son´s face. I saw tears brimming in his eyes and his lips began to tremble. But he tried not to let his emotions overcome him. I turned to look at the doctor again.

"Could you explain a bit more, Dr. Saunders?" I asked.

Again, the doctor shuffled papers before he responded.

"All the tests I have ran, every single one of them, show that Emily´s body has fully recovered, and I do not mean simply to the state she had been in after she was operated on. Not even when she received that first miracle during her Last Rites. I mean it recovered to how her body must have been like before her accident. There are no fractures anywhere, the multiple places where she suffered trauma are fully recovered and not a trace of that trauma remains. Her skin looks completely unblemished, as if she had not suffered frostbite or hypothermia, and more importantly, her brain and nervous system is completely recovered. When she wakes up, Emily will not bear any marks of what happened."

My heart and my entire body felt as if they had been filled with iced water and goosebumps began to emerge all over me. I was having the hardest time getting my brain to engage, that´s how immense and shocking this news was. And at that moment, an image of Abraham crossed my mind, turning the icy feeling inside me into heat. My body began to burn from the overpowering emotions. I turned to my two kids and saw that something similar seemed to be happening to them both.

"How… Dr. Saunders how is that possible?" I suddenly heard my son stuttering, his earlier bored attitude vanishing.

The good doctor stared at my son with gentleness in his eyes, evidently understanding the feelings he was displaying.

"I cannot tell you from a scientific standpoint Brian, because there is nothing that can explain this. Medically speaking, your mom should have died in that waterfall. If not from the fall, from the exposure to the elements for such a long time. The fact that she recovered, alone, is miraculous in itself. And that she made it alive into this hospital is even more of a miracle. But that she now shows recovery beyond what the human body alone – or even with medical help – can accomplish is what´s most astonishing. So, I would not be able to tell you as a doctor and a scientist how this was possible.

"But, as a man of faith myself, I can tell you that nothing, besides God´s intervention, can explain this."

He then turned to look at me with a very serious expression.

"Because of all the exposure and what this can mean for your family and for Emily, a restriction on access to the ICU in general has been put in place. Only immediate family members of other patients are allowed in, and they cannot go anywhere near Emily´s room. They will also not be allowed to have their phones anywhere in the vicinity of the ICU, only in the waiting room.

"Also, all medical personnel and people who have come into contact with Emily, especially during this latter development, have been ordered not to talk to the press or to any snoopers. We are hoping to stop gossip in its tracks before this turns into a freak show. I would advise that at least while the waters calm down – because it will be impossible to stop all leaks – you and your family remain hidden from the public eye.

"Furthermore, the hospital has given me permission to allow you access into the hospital through the personnel entrance, and there will be security in a special waiting area that will be made available for all of you and those you authorize to enter. But I would tighten personal security if I were you; because you will be hounded.

"Also, the full report of this event has been sent over to the Holy See. I am sure you have been informed that the Vatican – the Pope himself to be exact – and Bishop Carmichael, are now at the forefront of a full Church investigation on both Emily´s case and Father Gregor´s. So, they have now received the full file on your wife, and this also means that Church representatives that have been authorized will be coming. However, we will receive a list of those who have been authorized and I will extend that list to you as soon as I have it. So that you are not accosted by people who are not supposed to be around."

I could do nothing else but nod at everything Dr. Phillips had said, and I wondered if my brain had truly taken everything in. I was almost sure that at some point, once the initial shock had passed, I would probably ask everything to be explained to me again. What I knew, however, without a doubt, was that my brain, my heart, and my soul had registered and burned in me the knowledge that Emily, my beloved Emily, might soon return to me.

After a few minutes of shocked silence among all of us, my children and I stood from the good doctor´s office and led by him, we began to move towards the waiting room that the hospital had kindly made available to us. However, as we were crossing by the doors of the hospital´s small chapel, I was suddenly overcome by a really intense and powerful need to enter, and I informed my companions that I would join them as soon as I was done in the chapel.

I waited some seconds while my two children and the good doctor continued on their way toward the waiting room, and then I turned to face the double doors.

For what seemed like an eternity, I simply stared at the wooden panels, now also overcome by a sense of unworthiness, even though I knew that the Holy Sacrament was not inside this chapel. But still, I could not help but feel ashamed by all the sentiments that I had had towards God. And what made me feel even more ashamed was the knowledge that it had taken this new development for me to see how ungrateful I had been and continued being. Because the truth was that I was greedy, and I wanted more and more from God.

However, at that moment I remembered something Father Gregor had once told me, and this helped me to finally take the steps needed for me to push open the doors and enter; that regardless of our reasons for approaching God, we should heed the call from within our hearts for that desire always sprang from Him. That God made good use of our human reasons for seeking Him and used them to call us to Him.

In this instance, there was no stronger desire in me than to be in His presence, to cry my eyes out and thank Him for having heeded the desperate prayer of my heart. And thus, I crossed the threshold, went towards the first pew, and fell on my knees before the Crucifix.

Brian

When my sister Sam and I arrived at the new waiting room, and once Dr. Phillips had departed, we went to the middle-sized couch that stood near one of the walls facing a huge floor-to-ceiling window.

Silence reigned between the two of us, evidently each of us submerged in our thoughts, and while I did not know what my sister was feeling at the moment, in my case I could definitely say a war was being waged inside me.

On the one hand stood the old me, the Brian who loved to hear about miracles and God´s way of intervening and showing Himself to us. The Brian who had faith and prayed completely sure that his prayers would always be answered. And on the other stood the teenager who had been filled with anger and deep resentment. The teenager who had been harshly yanked and dumped into a really cold reality by the realization that his mother, the woman he had always loved and admired, had decided that she preferred to die than to stay with her husband and children. A teenager who had seen his prayers go unanswered time and time again until he had decided that God was a waste of his time.

I could not honestly say that what Dr. Phillips had said about my mother´s recovery had not shocked me to the bone. And for the time that I had been inside that office the old me had emerged. But when we came to stand outside the doors to that chapel, I had been filled anew by a resentment so deep that it had obliterated the timid emergence of my old self. And now, as I sat here next to my sister, those two sides continued to fight for the upper hand.

I suddenly began to feel restless and irritated, and while I would usually connect myself to my music during tough times to try to drown out my heart and mind, this time, I knew it would not help. Something, a force I could not understand, kept scratching and making me feel as if I wanted to jump out of my skin.

Thus, with a snort, I stood from my seat and began to pace close to the window like a caged animal, whishing that the movement could ease some of this discomfort inside me. But it was helping very little.

During one of the many turns I gave, I came to look at my sister´s face and saw that she was staring at me with the look of someone who knows exactly what was running through my head. And because I did not wish to talk about what we had heard – especially because I knew my sister would try yet again to convince me to change my mind about God – I turned away and towards the door, telling her simply that I would go for a walk.

Without thinking about where my feet were taking me, not really having a place in mind, I simply began walking and to my utter shock, I found that I had reached the doors to the ICU ward.

I looked up at the automatic doors and debated with myself for a few seconds, but now that I was here, I requested entrance and soon found myself suited up and ready to push inside my mother´s room.

As always, the gloomy room was dimly lit, and it was packed with different machines. But what caught my attention as I walked further in was the lack of noise that would usually come from those machines; the beeping of the heart monitor and the pumps and the sound made by the oxygen as it travelled through the tubes that connected to the breathing mask my mom had been wearing.

Walking closer to my mom´s body and using the soft light from the window behind her bed as well as the soft lights from the ceiling, I began to inspect her and realized that everything Dr. Phillips had said had been true. Whereas just a while ago my mother had been covered in bandages and her body had been adorned by bruises with different types of discoloration, right now that I looked at her, I saw that her skin looked unblemished. What was more, it looked like the skin of a young girl.

I also noticed that the breathing mask had been removed and she only had a cannula. Her chest rose and fell slowly and deeply, making it seem as if she were merely asleep. The multiple IV´s that had been placed all around her arms, neck and chest had also been removed and now, only two remained; one for the feeding and one for the fluids.

Tears began to build up and I sniffed and sniffed in an attempt to stop myself from crying. I also passed the back of my hand against my eyes angrily trying to prevent the tears from spilling. But my attempts became futile, and I soon found my chest becoming constricted while sobs began to emerge. I dumped my body on the chair that was always placed next to my mother´s bedside and taking her right hand in both of mine, I rested my forehead there while I finally gave myself permission to cry freely.

"Why, just please tell me why, Mom? How could you have done this to us?" I began to speak while sobs continued to come out of the deepest part of my heart. I had always felt particularly close to my mom and so, when I had finally accepted that she had tried to end her life, I had taken that rather badly. It was the biggest reason why I had become the way I had lately.

"Did you think that we would not be hurt by this? Did you think that it would not kill us all to lose you? Did you think of the pain you were causing us? Just please, wake up and tell me, explain to me, why?" I continued to sob.

Suddenly, I felt a hand on top of my head, and I jerked up immediately, wishing to lash out at whoever had dared to interrupt me at this most vulnerable time. But my anger died within me the moment my eyes landed on the feminine face of the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and I registered the tender stare of her captivating eyes.

When I finally found my voice again, I dared to ask in a whisper filled with awe, "Who… who are you?"

The beautiful young lady, whose body, I then realized, was swathed in a gorgeous white garment with a baby-blue belt and veil of the same color, responded, "Why do you cry, young man?"

I became entranced by the soft and melodious tone of her voice, and as soon as my brain registered her words, I began to feel as if my entire body had been set ablaze. I realized at that moment that my reaction had nothing to do with mundane male attraction – which would have been understandable given the captivating beauty of this young girl – but rather with a deep sense of awe and connection. Somehow, my very soul was being moved and called by the sight of this woman.

"Because my mother, whom you are seeing here, has been ill for the longest time and I want her to wake up," I answered instead of insisting on my own question. It almost seemed like an insult to persist unless she wanted to reveal who she was.

The beautiful and angelic woman smiled, and my heart almost left my body. A chill of excitement went down my spine at the simple yet meaningful gesture and at the look, she was giving me. A look that made me think she could literally see all of me. Who in the world was this woman?

"There is someone who wishes to speak to you, and I will ask that you keep an open mind. Because the one you blamed for not listening is the one who now answers your request and in order for you to understand my words and what this will mean for you and your future life you will need that open mind. You must leave your stubbornness and pride behind, my dear Brian."

At the use of my name, my heart again gave a hard thump. How had this young woman learned my name? I had not given it and I was sure I had never seen her before. But I did not say anything. After all, it seemed that she was not going to answer any of my questions.

Again, the woman smiled at me as if she had been able to read my mind.

"You will receive all the answers soon, my dear Brian, but again, you will have to have an open heart and mind. Logic and reason will not allow you to listen, see and understand and much less pride. Even if I were to tell you who I am, you would not believe it. So, it is better that you allow things to come naturally."

I nodded my head and continued to look at the beautiful woman. But then, my attention was snatched away when I felt a gentle tug on the hand that had remained attached to my mother´s. And when I turned my head, and to my utter bewilderment, I found myself staring into my mother´s opened eyes.

"Mo… mom?" I stuttered while my body turned towards her and I slumped down into the chair, my legs failing me completely.

"My darling… my sweet boy," my mom said in a frail whisper. In the meantime, her hand, the one I had been holding, came up and caressed my astounded face.

"There is so much I wish to explain, my son, and so much forgiveness I wish to beg of you, of your dad, of your sister, and your grandparents. But for now, I am contented with having received the blessing of being able to talk to you and let you know, that I am deeply sorry for what I did. To let you know that I have heard your cries and seen your plight, and I will fight to get back to you and our family. Because I love you, my darling, with all my heart and now that I am on this journey of healing, I wish to show you just how much. Show you that it has been that love, which I had ignored due to the sadness and despair that consumed me, that saved me.

"But I need to ask this of you, my child, and that is, open your eyes and your heart and allow that beautiful soul I know you have to re-emerge. Do not let anger, and especially despair, turn you into a resentful man. You are a diamond, my darling, and I need to see you protecting that. I know that what I did has hurt you deeply and that what you are going through now is a response to that hurt. But I also know you like few others, Brian, and I know you cannot live your life filled with resentment and anger. So, please, my baby, open up to what you soon will receive. It will be that light and that Grace, what will save you and others."

I then saw that my mother´s eyes were closing again, and panic overpowered me. I moved as if a spasm had gone through me, and I clutched my mother´s body with all my might. I did not want to see her eyes closing again. I needed to hold on to her as if she were my life raft.

"Please," I sobbed again, now forgetting any sense of pride. "Mom, please don´t leave me!"

Her hand reached for my face again, and she caressed my cheek gently while she smiled, tears gracing her lashes.

"Even if I die, I will never leave you, please remember that. I cannot tell you yet what the result of this journey I am undertaking will be, but trust me when I say, I am doing this so that if I return to you and our family in life, I may do so as a whole person and not the shadow that I became. And please, my son, remember this; even if I were to walk into the afterlife, you have never been and will never be alone, all right? Just open yourself up and you will soon see."

And then, her hand fell back to the bed and her eyes closed.

For a good minute, I shook my mom´s body gently, trying to get her to respond to me again, but as if I had just imagined the whole thing, there wasn´t a single sign from her. I stared at her with tears unabashedly falling down my cheeks and then, when I finally accepted that she would not be talking to me again, I turned to look for the other lady and found that no one was there. My heart almost stopped at this realization.

I suddenly sprang into action and without even thinking about what people might think of me, I ran to the nurses' station and told them what I had seen; about my mom, of course, not about the other lady who had been with me in the room. I was sure that lady had not been in there when I entered, and I had never seen her leave.

The nurse who had been sitting at her computer terminal took her medical equipment and went to my mother´s room with me, and like the excellent professional that she was, took my word for it and began to perform a thorough examination. However, by the end of it, she told me she could not detect any changes and that my mother´s neurological condition remained as it had been before.

I was shocked, to say the least, but I was absolutely sure about what I had seen. And despite all the assurances the nurse gave me of the impossibility of my mom having moved, let alone spoken, I had no doubts inside me, and I understood that something beyond science and medicine had been at play here. It was then that Dr. Phillip´s words finally sank in and as if the very fires of hell had been at my heels, I dashed from that room, consumed by the need to go and find my dad.

Not even 5 minutes after I had left my mom´s room – and mind you, the chapel was quite far and on a different floor - I burst through the double doors and found my father kneeling right at the very first pew, close to the altar, with his head bent over his steepled fingers.

As silently as possible, mindful of where I was, and overcome by the excitement I was having the hardest time controlling, I started to walk towards my praying father. My mind, in the meantime, attempted to help me think of the best way to both apologize to my dad for all the hurtful things I had said and explain what I had seen and heard.

I had almost reached the front pew when my eyes, for some unknown reason, raised and focused on a very small image of the Blessed Mother that stood tacked to one of the walls to the side of the main altar. The sight of it called my attention because these chapels tended not to have any iconography so that people from different denominations and religions could use them. So it was really strange that there would be this particular image. I thus found my feet changing directions and approaching the small picture instead of my father.

When I finally reached the place, and my eyes settled on the picture, I gasped, took several steps away, and felt as if my heart were going to burst from my chest. My head started moving from side to side and I started to feel overwhelmed by the rush of emotions and by the shock I was feeling. How in the world was this possible?

"Brian?" I suddenly heard my father´s soft voice calling.

I turned towards my dad and overcome by the truth that had just been revealed to me, I felt all my strength leave me and I simply allowed darkness to pull me under.

The last thing I heard, the last thing I felt, was my dad´s voice and I think my dad´s arms.