Chapter 20. Wounds

I think that if we had ever been given the chance to see beforehand the consequences of our choices, we would probably not have made as many mistakes, or caused as much pain to others as we normally do.

Then again, I have heard a lot of experts and academics saying that the first characteristic of humans is that we tend to repeat our mistakes, even if we have already experienced a consequence. Call it stubbornness, simple forgetfulness, or probably a huge pile of pride on our end, we tend to go into the same, or similar situations, and repeat our choices and decisions.

In fact, if I did not remember wrongly, I think that somewhere in the Bible I had read once of a rich man who had died, and after suffering the effects of his wrong choices, he had asked his ancestor, Abraham to allow him to warn his relatives so they would avoid the mistakes he had made. But the answer the man had received was that his offspring had the resources, and more than enough of them, to learn to do what was right and that not even the resurrection of the dead would change the path they would choose to walk.

However, the truth of the matter, now that I was thinking about it, is that because of our pride and vanity, our belief in our intelligence and its superiority, we end up committing the same mistakes. Hadn´t we, after knowing what Adam and Eve had done, fallen into the same hole over and over? And didn´t we repeat that day after day even though we already knew where it led?

Very soon I was going to get first-hand knowledge and experience the truthfulness of the answer the man from the story of the Bible had received.

Abraham suddenly ordered me to lay on the ground, and amazingly enough, it felt soft as feathers and warm. This caught my attention until I heard Michael approaching me. I looked up at his eyes that were filled with tenderness, and in an instant, with only one word from him, I felt sleep pulling me down.

It was not very long afterward that I heard a soft "wake up" being murmured by an echo of voices. And when I became aware of myself, I found that I was in the dark, but it was the dark caused by the condition my mortally wounded body found itself in. It seemed that I had been returned to my body.

How this event would permit me to experience what I had asked Abraham to allow me to experience, I had no idea. But I no longer wanted to either question the Trinity´s actions in me, or fight against their plans for me. I trusted my friends with all my being and knew this was for the best.

Bringing my attention back to my current reality, I became aware that even though my eyes would not open, no matter how hard I tried, my other senses were very much aware of their surroundings. However, I soon wished I hadn´t.

Aside from the annoyingly constant beeping sound of a heart monitor, the swooshing sound of a ventilator, and the noise from a continuously working pump, every single one of my nerve endings, every inch of my body, began to relay to my poor and mangled brain the pain I was in, the damage I had caused. However, the worst part was that I was absolutely powerless to do anything to change this outcome.

It was ironic that I knew my body was at this point swamped with pain medication, which should be preventing me from feeling all this, and yet my entire body felt as if it were an orchestra that had decided to rebel and each of my nerve endings as the instruments, had begun to fire at will despite the orders from the central conductor. It was simple; my body seemed outwardly at peace. But inside a war of sensations and pain was raging and driving me almost crazy.

It seemed that I was meant to understand the extent of the damage I had caused to my body. And evidently, it had been abysmal.

And boy, was that one hard pill to swallow. My intention had not been to survive, but having lived this far with God, I had finally understood that not all our plans, no matter how hard we wish them to come to fruition, succeed. And there is always a reason for this even if we may not understand why when we go through hardships.

God sees and knows everything whereas we are unable to do so, so when He intervenes to stop one of our plans, it is not to bother us, or because He is cruel, or mean. He does it because He knows where our plans will lead and the consequences that will emerge, as well as the damage that can be caused.

Soon my very interesting, and philosophical inner monologue broke when a renewed wave of pain and fire made itself known to me. Regardless of my strong intentions, and decision to see this process through, I had not counted on having to come down here to experience this much pain and powerlessness, and so I soon found my very weak and human soul crying out to God, asking Him why He was making me suffer this much, and why He had not already granted me relief. I did remember in between waves of pain that Abraham had been clear on how difficult this would be, and I knew that this was merely physical pain. However, when you are feeling like a literal live wire, even the strongest-willed human will also cry out like a child.

In fact, after what seemed an eternity of unstoppable pain, I did what all human beings tend to do. I began to question God and His Goodness. Wasn´t He supposed to be Merciful, and loving? Which kind of Father, of loving Being, would let His child suffer as much as I was at that moment? How could He just sit still and do nothing while I went through this hell?

At that exact moment, when my poor human logic was close to succumbing to the temptation brought on by the Evil that always chases after those who suffer most, two things happened that pulled me away from the error that could have ended all of my efforts and well-walked path.

A flash of very bright white light enveloped my consciousness and I found myself at the top of a rocky hill facing a sight that made me wish I had never opened my mouth even once to complain about my pain. At that moment I thought that there has never been, or there will ever be, a clearer picture of what pure torture and physical pain is until you really look at the body of Jesus on the Cross.

And that is exactly what I was facing. My best friend, whom I knew as Emmanuel, was hanging from a huge cross of the roughest wood, while His mangled body bled profusely from every pore. There wasn´t a single inch of skin on Him that hadn´t been damaged, to the point that when I looked up to His pained face, I felt as if I were not looking at a human being anymore. That is how badly He had been tortured. And yet, He stood on that Cross, going through all that pain and suffering without even once complaining, despite the fact that He had not deserved such a fate.

Tears immediately sprang up to my eyes and from deep within me began to emerge not just pain, but even more importantly, shame, for having thought that God ever abandoned us to pain and suffering, or that He did not know what we went through physically, emotionally and psychologically.

Emmanuel, Jesus, God Himself, both God and Man, had suffered as much, if not more, than I, or anyone, ever had, so that we could find our way back to Him. And even more importantly, I had seen with my own eyes, not even long ago, how that sacrifice continued to cost Him, to all of the Trinity, every time a soul was lost. So how could I give in to my pain, which I had caused, and allow myself to think that God did not know what I was going through?

I had been thus thinking, with my eyes still glued to that poor figure up on that piece of wood, when suddenly I saw His eyes opening and His face turning towards me. His mouth opened with a lot of effort on His part, and with what little strength He might have had left, He said, "I did this all for you. Because I Love you, and I will go through it willingly, and gladly every time that is necessary to save each and every one of you. Never forget that my dearest Emily." And then He closed His eyes again.

The power of those words, and of that sight, jumpstarted my frozen being and while I felt myself returning to my painful body, I simply began to cry in earnest, asking God for forgiveness for having forgotten who He was, what He was: Love and most especially, Mercy. A Father who would never leave His children alone to suffer, and instead suffered alongside them every single time to save them from the jaws of the Evil that always lurked the suffering in the hopes of destroying their lifeline – their faith.

With my renewed knowledge and strengthened heart, I pushed back against my weak will and forced myself to accept what I was going through as the deserved Purgatory I had brought on myself. At that moment I overcame my suffering, and although the pain did not go away, I became able to accept it as my pathway to redemption.

Because yes, I might have asked for forgiveness for what I had done, and I might have been blessed with that wonderful balm that is being forgiven. But that did not mean that the consequences would be removed or that they were meant to be a punishment from a cruel God. I had caused these consequences with my decision, and it was up to me to turn my suffering into my journey back to life, or my road to perdition. That was my choice to make.

I suddenly heard Michael´s voice saying softly, "You are doing really well, my child, and all you have seen thus far, and experienced will help you complete your journey. In that you are correct. However, this will not be just for you. As you move on, you will also see and experience what your actions and decisions cause to others. And you will see how every misstep, every error, every wrong choice also hurts Me.

"You have also been given a precious treasure right now, Emily, one that you will be asked to share. For you have been granted the knowledge of one of My biggest mysteries; how God made Himself vulnerable to Man the moment that He chose to create you all and establish a familiar bond with you. Every soul that is lost, every human that is lost becomes another wound in Emmanuel´s Holy Being, and in God´s heart."

Michael´s words in that instant brought to the forefront of my mind those I held dearest and closest to my heart, and I could not help but fear about the hurt I must have caused them. Pain much deeper and stronger than any physical one enveloped me at the thought of my family´s suffering.

However, at the same time, I was shocked by what Michael had just revealed to me. Nothing more, and nothing less, than one of the most important and beautiful mysteries between God and Man.

I remembered the wounds that had appeared on Emmanuel´s body, and also on Michael´s and Abraham´s. And I understood then that for each human soul that is lost, a new wound appears on Emmanuel´s Body, and by connection, on Michael and Abraham.

This helped me to understand something else. Because we have been always taught that God is perfect in His unity, and therefore cannot be harmed at all, we believe that He cannot understand our sufferings and does not care about our fate. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

In my case, He had decided not only to not let me pass on to Death when He knew where I would end but to listen to my pleas. And He had intervened not only so that I would get to be saved, but also so that others would, through my experience, learn that they are not alone, that God is always, has always, and will always be there, even if we cannot see Him, or feel Him.

Suddenly, I was brought out of my reflections by the sound of soft weeping coming from somewhere near me. The sound, though barely audible, carried such emotion and such pain that it immediately brought me out of my reverie and made the pain in my body fade into the background.

I immediately identified the person who was in here with me, and my soul was so moved by the pain in the weeping sounds made by the one person I loved most in this world, that all else – the pain, the noise, my thoughts - it all faded into the background. Who could think about physical pain, or bothering sounds when you heard the deep sorrow inside the heart of the man that meant all to you?

The sound of my husband´s painful cries, the almost inaudible words that were coming out of his lips like a constant litany, a prayer, became a flaming blade that went straight through me. They made me wish so badly that I could open my eyes, or at least extend my hand to show Jamie that I was there and that I was trying to heal myself so I could go back to him and our family not as a broken person, but as the person I had always been meant to be. But I knew I couldn´t, no matter how much I wished it.

The most difficult part of this experience was that despite the fact that my eyes were sightless, and my spirit was trapped inside this almost inert body, I could feel it all even more intensely than if I had been awake. And it was killing me inside to hear Jamie´s sobs, to feel his warm and gentle hand taking mine, feeling his tender lips on my skin and his rushing tears washing down my hand, in an attempt to invite me back to life.

However, what really pierced every single part of my being was the words that I heard him mumbling in between heart-wrenching sobs. "Where did I go wrong? How could I have failed you so badly? Please, my love, come back to me and give me a new chance."

I was so desperate to answer and to shout that I was there, that I was sorry, that none of this had been his, or anyone else´s fault but my own, that I began to beg God to give me a chance to let my family know that I was alive and fighting to get back to them. But I was met with only silence this time and that ever-present insidious human doubt, fed by the one who wanted me to fail in this journey, began to creep back in. Had I been left alone to live through this, despite my friends´ promise?

At that very same instant, I heard a cooing sound, exactly like that of a small dove, nearby, and I heard my husband saying, "That dove always comes here, every day, and always stares into this room. I wonder why it would be interested in this room."

And then, within me, I heard a soft voice that murmured, "Never doubt my promises to you."

I immediately connected the dove to the voice, and I knew that Michael, and by extension Abraham and Emmanuel were reminding me that they were with me, even if I could not see them. So, with renewed faith, I returned my attention to the room.

I realized that Jamie had moved away from me to go take a look at the dove outside, maybe even take some time to compose himself, but instead of composure, I heard a heartfelt sob coming deep from within my husband, and then a veritable fountain of them. This was followed by the swishing sound of clothes as they slid against a surface, and the sudden appearance of a barely contained, and almost animalistic noise of pain from deep within him.

It was at that moment that I began to not only fully realize but also really feel the gravity of my mistake, and to be completely honest, the thoughtlessness of my choice.

Overwhelmed by my own feelings and despair, blinded by an erroneous logic that had been fed by the Evil that wished to take my soul for his own, I had only fleetingly thought of the pain I would be causing my family. This logic convinced me that it would be better for them to live through a moment of pain and then move on than to continue living with the shell I had become. And I had been sold to the idea of thinking that it was my love for them, and my wish to do right by them, what justified what I was going to do.

Evidently, I could not have been more wrong. Instead of opening up at least to my husband and giving him the chance to share the burden with me, I had not just broken his heart, but also his trust and his life. I did not even want to imagine what I had done to my children and my extended family.

And then, to make matters worse, my little Jiminy Cricket decided to remind me about how hard it had tried to make me aware of these awful consequences, knowing what they would be, and I felt truly sorry for not having heeded its warnings. At the time of my decision, I had truly and honestly wished to believe that my logic had been ironclad.

I had also decided in the heat of despair and the intense desire to find relief from my never-ending sadness that Jiminy Cricket was more of a bother than help, so I had literally zipped it shut. I had never made a worse move in my life. Because I now realized that what we jokingly nickname Jiminy Cricket is in truth God´s attempt to save us and pull us away from danger and evil through the voice of our Guardian Angels.

I was brought out my reflections by the approach of my beloved husband and when he placed a tear-soaked gentle kiss on my forehead, my heart trembled with emotion, and the most unexpected event took place.

At the contact of Jamie´s lips on my skin, my mind, soul, and heart suddenly connected with his through that touch, and as if I had become a part of him, I began to see in vivid detail through his memories all that had happened since the moment I had chosen to disappear.

Jamie

"Hey, Dad, do you know where mom went? I have been looking for her everywhere, but I cannot find her," my daughter Samantha asked me while I sat outside on the balcony of our rented hotel room.

"I´m not sure sweetie, I guess she went for a swim in the pool," I replied, while I fought to keep my eyes glued on my book as a chill went down my spine.

However, Samantha, as relentless as her mother was, reached me in a few strides, ripped the book from my hand, and assumed a posture, very much like my wife´s, that always made you pay attention, regardless of what you wanted.

"Dad, I checked the pool and all other sites I could think of. She is nowhere, at least in the hotel. I noticed her absence after lunch," my daughter persisted, while the chills running down me intensified more and more. Why was I feeling this dread in the pit of my stomach?

"Well, maybe she went for a walk?" I answered unsure, showing how worried I was now getting. I looked at that moment at my watch and realized that it was not only very late, but it was also getting very dark and chilly.

Real fear suddenly shot from my heart and moved on to every part of my body, reviving in me that little ghost feeling I had had for a while now regarding my wife. It was a sensation that would not leave me alone and that warned me constantly that something was not as it should be with Emily. It had been muted for a while after I had talked to Father Gregor as he had reassured me and told me that Emily was fine. But now, today, that reassurance was literally going up in smoke.

Without further argumentation and powered by the need to find the person I loved most in my life, my very light, I moved fast to put on my boots and a coat, and with a flashlight in hand, went looking for my wife, accompanied by our two children, who had refused to stay behind.

The first place we went to was the reception desk, of course, and the nice lady in there informed us that indeed she had seen my wife taking the path to the mountain trail, which led to the beautiful waterfalls about half a mile away from the hotel. She also told us that she had said to Emily that it was getting late for such a trek, that she should wait for the tour in the morning, but that Emily had refused and gone on ahead.

At that point, the original chill I had felt became more like ice shards moving all over me, and when I looked at my two children, I realized that they too were feeling both shocked and scared.

Knowing that I had to first reassure my kids, I turned towards them and contemplated them for a second. Samantha´s face, so much like her mother´s was transformed by fear, and I could see some moisture gathering at the brim of her beautiful eyes.

My son, Brian, on the other hand, had hardened his features the moment I had looked at him and I knew he was trying to show me that he, as a grown man of 15, did not feel afraid. I placed my palms on each of their cheeks, knelt in front of them, and said, "We will find your mother, no matter what. I promise."

"What if she doesn´t want to be found Dad?" My son said with clenched teeth. This shocked me to my marrow because I had not thought that my children, at least my son, would have been able to see that there had been something wrong with their mother. After all, Emily had truly tried to hide her suffering from all of us.

I took my son firmly by the arms, and said with as much conviction as I could, "Never, ever say that again, do you hear me? Your mother would never abandon us. She must have needed some time alone. We all need that at some point, right?"

But it was my daughter now who, shyly, and with a shaky voice, responded, "Then why did she go alone and did not tell any of us? Why would she take that trail that is dangerous? Why has she been so sad lately?"

I became totally muted by what I heard, and my brain struggled to find the right words to soothe my children. Yet I knew that it was almost a moot point. I soon realized that I could not lie to my kids, that they were almost adults now and were the furthest thing from dumb that you could get. No, both were as sharp as their mother was, especially Samantha, who had inherited Emily´s ability to sense people´s emotions. From what she had just said it was obvious she knew of the darkness that had been eating at Emily for a long while. So, instead of trying to create a lie, I simply stood up, took my flashlight, and said, "Let´s go get your mother back."

The three of us had started moving towards the sliding glass doors that led to the mountain trail, flashlight at the ready when we heard the receptionist calling us back. She tried to dissuade us from going at such an hour, after all, it was already nightfall. But when she saw we were not going to be persuaded, she took the phone from her desk, dialed a number, and informed someone about a person´s disappearance.

The reaction from the hotel´s personnel was stunning, to say the least, and no sooner had the nice lady sounded the alarm of my wife´s disappearance when we found ourselves surrounded by no less than five big, well-prepared rescue guys with dogs and gear.

Neither my children nor I said anything as we were still overwhelmed by everything that was happening. We simply waited for the entourage to start moving up the mountain path. However, we did look up when a sixth guy with an impressive build and a very evident aura of authority came from behind the receptionist´s desk and with a strong, commanding voice, said, "Okay people, we all know this is a dangerous situation. We will need to be stealthy and precise. Once we reach the waterfall, we split into groups, and whoever finds our guest, informs the others, understood?"

The rescue team members all nodded their understanding, and without another word gathered their gear and began to move away from us.

Then the man suddenly turned towards us, and when he did, I felt a bolt of lightning going down my spine. When I looked up at his face, I had the weirdest sensation that I had known him from somewhere, and yet, I was sure I had never seen him in my life. Who was he and why did he make me feel a strange sensation of peace and reassurance?

And then, without knowing when he had approached, or how such a big and impressive man could have moved so silently, we found ourselves faced and addressed by what I could only describe as the gentlest giant – if that was even a thing.

He simply knelt before all three of us, stared deep into each of our eyes with what I could only describe as fatherly tenderness, and as if he could read the distress inside us said, "Everything will be all right; I promise. Nothing that happens, happens without there being a reason. But I swear to you now that everything will soon be understood, and all will be all right."

I didn´t know why this guy´s words were resonating so deeply in me, or why my heart and soul warmed at his mere nearness. All I had clear at this point was that somehow, I knew deep down that he was no regular man. The problem was that I could not pinpoint why I was feeling or thinking in this way.

Overwhelmed by the emotions generated inside me by this individual´s presence, I only gulped down, because my brain seemed to have been jammed for a second and my voice had completely gone. However, to my astonishment, my daughter Samantha separated from my side, moved towards the strange, yet familiar, man, and placing her hand on the man´s cheek, responded, "I trust in you. Please take care of her and bring her back to us."

The man reacted by gently placing his big palm against her hand, and squeezing it lightly, responded to her plea. "Thank you dear one," he said as he stared with indescribable tenderness towards my daughter, and then towards my son and myself. "I promise to you that I will." And then he removed his hand from Samantha´s and stood up.

Samantha retraced her steps and took her place next to me, while the big and powerful man smiled at her and then looked at me with a more serious expression. "Let´s go, we do not have much time. I need you all to promise that you will stick close to the team, not go off at any time, no matter what you see. Do you trust me enough to follow me?"

I first looked at my daughter Samantha, trying to understand her words of a few seconds ago, and then at the man. I seriously had lost all of my brainpower somewhere. I had no idea what to say, what to understand, or what to respond. Did I trust this guy? Well, I had to, didn´t I? After all, he was my best chance at finding my beloved wife. But I had a feeling that the question went deeper than what I was seeing on the surface. Was he asking me to literally entrust everything to him?

I was saved from answering anything by my son Brian, who, being very pragmatic and down-to-earth simply said, "Could we please move?" and then he simply started walking towards the sliding doors.

The man, whose name I still didn´t even know, let out a loud laugh in response to my son´s almost irreverent words, extended his hand towards me for a shake, and said, "My name is Abraham, and it is nice to see you, Jamie Summers. Let´s go before your son, Brian, gets himself stranded in the woods."

He soon released my hand, smiled at me as if he knew he had taken me completely by surprise with his earlier words, and began leading us forward up the track the other rescuers had taken. And while my children did begin to move behind this Abraham fellow without a doubt, I remained standing frozen, unable to work out not just the familiarity with which he had treated me, as if he had known me, or as if he were glad to see me again, but also the fact that he had known both mine and my son´s names. We had not even introduced ourselves. How in the world could he have known?

However, I was brought back out of my stupor by my children calling me repeatedly and I decided that this was not the time to try to understand this mystery. So, I began moving with the rest.

The biggest question now pressing against my chest was, would we find my wife? And if we did, what would we find?