I feel, somewhere deep inside..

I feel, somewhere deep inside, everyone want to be someone who they aren't, maybe between a constant conflict trying to accept them selves or change them selves for someone, for some opportunity, or just them selves.

I feel, some where deep inside, i want to be someone else for certain people, maybe i want them to treat me how they may treat someone else. Or treat me better, or for them to neglect me because i am truly enable to neglect them for their toxic actions and response towards me, or the relation In general.

I want to change, I want to keep things to my self, I want to protect my value, it feels like I may have given to much and been walked all over, or i gave to little. The perfect amount of one self is always unknown. Why do things like these matter?

These endless conflicts find your self being belittled, the miserableness that someone else is given the more importance than me, even if i cherished, cared and loved them more than them, or maybe because i lacked something that was never talked about.

It was me being to nice, that they took for granted. It was even if you walk all over me, ill still treat you the same. It was me restraining my temper, suppressing it cuz in this household even if you'd speak so loudly so boldly have your emotions poured out expressed brutally or lovingly.

I'd still be powerless.

It was the feeling that i have to, need to be nice, not everyone is nice, oh so the nice compliments "your so kind" "so lovely" those words "Thank you for helpingg!" They… gave some sort of reassurance.. a reassurance that… i fitted, they accepted me? The very reassurance that.

The kinder the heart, the more brutally this world will treat you. If your kind they'd call you an underdog for helping in anything for being a people pleaser?

If your too kind always, when you start putting up your boundaries it feels uneasy, the never heard before talks start. "Are you okay?" "Everything fine?" "Why are you acting so strange" "Something happened?"

The over whelming questions don't stop. They make me question "Was it even right to change?" "Is this really okay?" The people pleaser side taking over, "What if this hurts them?…" i don't want to hurt.

And when you finally change or are in the process, they'd call you selfish, when you start with your boundaries, they'd call you useless, they'd say you hate them, or they become distant when you finally realise you do fkin have the right to say "No" to be fkin blunt open, that you can be humble, while keeping your self safe…

That the people who understand you will have no problem with your change, those people who used you to walk over you, they. They will be so damn absurd with that fkin to ground audacity.

And thats exactly when you leave them. Thats exactly when a new chapter starts.

You want to change your self. Then do it. If the world changes you, your powerless.

Change the world around you, to change your own self. That's power.