Kicking a Dead Dog Has Nothing To Be Gained

Sometimes, I feel like murdering people. Of course, I say this as if I haven't before, but technically, I haven't murdered anyone other than lover boy. A lot of war veterans say something along the lines of "when I got my kill, I was rolling around in blood and piss". I always wondered where the piss came from, but I realized where after I saw some boys spraying water on a half-dead cat.

And I say I never murdered anyone because in the east, murdering is defined as "the act of willingly and knowingly ending another's life without proper reasoning". Sure, I was willing and knowing, but that didn't mean I ended someone else's life — the poison did. And for some reason, there's nothing about using a medium of some sort either. I guess it's so soldiers can do stuff like murder without "murdering" anyone.

Sometimes, I wonder why my family is so... secluded? Or rather, what happened to the rest of my family. Grandfather's dead, grandmother's dying, supreme commander's the father, Shuaiqi is the brother, and there's a dozen plus bastards and whores. Our mother is dead, sure, but then did our grandparents — both "mother" and "father"'s parents — only have one child each? And if so, why do we only know our father's side?

Sometimes, I feel like I'm good at things. But then I always realize that I'll never be the biggest fish in the sea.

Sometimes, I see people with the same dreams I once had — the same dreams I once gave up on. They, unlike me, have ambition. Of course, I can only talk to a brick when I try bringing them to reality. But then I realize that they are a bigger fish than I am, so I get jealous and we part ways.

Sometimes, I meet people I think of worse than myself. I convince myself of their stupidity and ignorance. Little did I know, I was the ignorant one among the two of us. And in my face, constantly, over and over again, I see how small I truly am.

Sometimes, I meet people I think of better than myself. I raise my expectations and get disappointed, because they were significantly smaller than me.

I try to convince myself that I'm better than most, but I know I'm actually worse than most. I try using excuses like 'talent', but I know multitudes of people with more talent than I.

Wait... what?