7

"Sohla, eat with Yoonha tonight. I have plans." Mother meets me in the lounge when I arrive home from work, passing by in the process of me coming in and her going, and I paste on my bright smile. She's oblivious to what day of the week it is, let alone the date, so she's at least one person who won't acknowledge today. Thankfully.

"Something fun?" I ask and stop to adjust the coat's collar she's pulling on. Admiring her beauty even at her age. She's not aged a day in the last decade and is still as pulled together as she was when I was a girl when she's dressed up like this. It's easy to forget everything and bask in how happy she seems.

"Bridge with the girls. I shouldn't be home too late. Yoonha is in the dining room already." She pats me on the cheek with a loving smile. Elegantly dressed and poised as the picture of class and grace at all times, and I find it hard to sometimes associate her with the woman she is when no one's looking.

She gets through her life by popping happy pills and avoiding reality as much as she can, much as I do. The only difference is she has nothing in her life to distract her from long days, except us kids. She doesn't work anymore as she retired so long ago, so her life of leisure means she spends her time yoyoing from manic bouts of activity and going out, with days endlessly in bed in a dark room and refusing to get up. She's on a high lately, which means a succession of social dates and coming home drunk after spending a fortune at whatever club or game she's gone to.

I linger to watch her leave before turning on my heel and wander slowly through our open plan and luxurious home to the formal dining area. Spotting Yoonie already set up with an array of dishes laid out before him. He's picking at his food absentmindedly and seems way too serious and immersed in thought, and I ready myself for what I expect to be coming. Bracing myself and pulling on the mask of indifference.

"Are you sulking or problem-solving?" I jest as I slide into the seat opposite him and instantly watch his face brighten up like a new dawning day with my presence. A complete change in his persona when I come home, as opposed to how he seems when I view him from afar. Yoonha has never really been the same since his father passed away. He carries so many sad emotions, which are too obvious at times.

"Neither, just thinking….. How are you feeling?" he cautiously asks, and I tense, knowing that of all the people in this house, he's the only one who would ask me that today of all days. Sometimes I feel like Yoonie is more of a walking diary of the disasters of my life than I am. He remembers everything, and he carelessly always tries to pull it out of me.

"Same as every day, why would today be any different?" I brightly answer and lean back as Emily, the housekeeper comes and lays my dishes in front of me, the same as his, and ignore the way his eyes linger on my face as he tries to read me. I smile my thanks her way as she moves off.

"It's okay not to be okay, you know. That's what's wrong with this god damn family. We all act like we're fine, yet none of us are. We're dysfunctional as fuck." I ignore his intense gaze and pick up my cutlery, eyeballing my food and making appropriate motions as though I'm eager to eat because I'm starving. The smell alone makes me realize I have no appetite.

"What's with you today? Did your deal fall through? Work getting to you?" I dodge the conversation and adjust my fork to dig into my creamy pasta dish, ignoring what I know he's dying to talk about. The wall goes up, and he'll never penetrate it. This is how I tackle all things.

"Sohla…?"

I know the tone. The underlying quiver of emotion and the almost yearning need to talk about feelings. I know him too well, and if I let him, he'll probe at things I don't want to open up about and ruin my mood.

"So, today, I gave Jyeon the approval file from accounting. It looks like his investment with Biotech might become a reality. He has a good eye. I think we'll see a long-term return in them and bring funding to take OLO to another level." I put the food in my mouth even though it tastes like ash when I feel this way. My heart is beating a little faster than usual because I want him to drop it and know he's way more persistent than that.

"Did you go?" He disappoints me by being exactly that dog with a bone that I know he is.

"To Jyeon's office? Of course, he's been waiting four days for the risk report. I took it right away." I feign ignorance and carry on swallowing even though it feels like razor blades in my throat. Unable to look his way and instead stare at my plate.

"The grave, Sohla." Yoonha dives right to the sore point, and I pause with my fork midway to my mouth, unable to control the punch to my gut but refusing to look him in the eye. Hating him for being like this. He's always the same. He can't just let it go and let me move on. Same as his stupid brother, always living in the past and unable to stop.

"Hmmmmm. Did you get your out-of-office work done today? I passed by around mid-morning, and you were out." I push it on again towards my mouth and eat it slowly, keeping my face calm and my mannerisms precise, knowing he's looking for any slight reaction. My tone level and my voice clear of anything but upbeat nonchalance. Never show a hint of weakness to anyone.

"Divorce him and start over, Sohla. This isn't a life. He's never there for you, and now, today of all days, where the fuck is he?"

My cutlery clammers to my plate as I drop it with a spike of anger and throw a glare at Yoonie. Hating that he does this from time to time and never lets it go. I'm trying to count to ten before I say anything because I don't want to fight with him, of all people, but I don't get why he makes this his problem every day of the week. He used to love his brother and idolize him to death, but now he barely spends time with him and is the first to criticize his life and choices.

"I don't want to divorce him. We're fine how we are, and I saw him today. I don't need him here. He's busy with our company, and it's no more a special day than any other. Stay out of it, Yoonie; you don't understand our relationship."

"Pfft." He lets it out in aggravation, pulling a face that displays his anger and disbelief in my words. "Don't I? I have lived here watching it all from my corner. You think I don't see how miserable you are, and he never does anything to try and fix things between you. It's always been him who pulled away and kept you at arm's length. Are you going to waste your life on a husband who neither shares a bed nor a single meal with you? How is that an existence?"

"I'm not hungry anymore. Eat, you look thinner these days, and you're pale. I have a headache, and I'm going to bed early." I cut him off, deciding that the best way to tackle Yoonie when he's this way is to follow Jyeon's example and leave. There's a faint smell of whisky on his breath even at this distance, and I know he's not thinking clearly. He's biased, so it's always Jyeon who is in the wrong.

He does this a lot too, just like his father did. When he can't handle what's going on in his head, he turns to booze and makes stupid mistakes. As a brother, I love Yoonie with my whole heart, but I can't deal with him these days. He's not that sweet puppy who used to listen to me anymore, and I don't want to mother him. I don't have it in me to care about others deeply like I once did. It's all weight and stress that I don't need when I'm barely treading water myself.

"I'll start over with you. We can make it work. We were always closer than you and Jyeon…he doesn't love you, but I do. I'm not a kid anymore." His words stop me in my tracks, and I mentally count to five and try and reel in my internal reaction. Breathing slowly as my hands start to tremble, I stop the impulse to yell at him that he still behaves like one.

This isn't the first time he's said these words to me, and it angers me that despite telling him not to say it anymore, here we are again. The wounding pain of knowing that, no, Jyeon doesn't love me, and I've known it since forever, but I still don't want to hear it. I don't want to listen to them; I don't want the burden of his feelings on top of me along with everything else I carry every day, and I don't need his reminder that his brother married me out of duty and never once felt more than resentment for it.

"You're drunk. Go to bed. I'll see you in the morning. Let it go." I don't wait for his response or give him time to follow me and march out of the room and through our lounge to head for the main winding staircase. I pass by Emily on the way and snap a command to release the pressure.

"I'm going to bed with a migraine, don't disturb me. See to Yoonha; he's drunk."

"Yes, Miss." She nods, seemingly wary of my dark mood, and bows as I swing up the stairs and head straight for my room without pausing to take a breath. Not even hungry despite not really eating and bubbling up inside with so many emotions that lean more to anger than upset. Keeping my mind off the obvious was hard enough, and Yoonie goes and makes it worse. Today has been shit from start to finish, and I pull my cell phone from my pocket and check the time as I get to the upper landing.

Eight Pm. This day is needlessly dragging, and I hate that I have to endure four more hours before I can chalk it up to another year gone by. I thrust it back into my pocket and shove my bedroom door open, stopping with a startled pause as I see Jyeon's clothes discarded on the bed. The ones he was wearing at the office earlier, and have a mild moment of panic and then a flash of hope he came home after all.