Entrée De Journal Cinq: Sharing is Caring!

Nico's POV:

Solace said that this was supposed to help me get better. He said that it would help me start to accept my feelings and emotions and it's easier writing in here than it is talking to people. Hopefully he's right because I don't want Campers to be scared of me anymore. I hear everything that they say about me and I don't like it. Part of me is always thinking that Solace also hears those things and he pities me so that's why he's acting like he's my friend. I hope that's not the case. It's nice having a friend that you weren't forced to befriend because of a stupid quest.

But then again, I did kind of befriend Solace from a quest because if it weren't for the War with Gaea, then I wouldn't have nearly killed myself and I wouldn't have had to come to the infirmary.

Solace's getting lunch now, I slept through breakfast. He didn't seem too upset about it, he was just glad that I was able to go back to sleep considering the fact that he had to wake me up from a nightmare. I'm just glad he didn't ask me about it and just left it.

I think I like Solace. And not in a friendly manner, I think I like him as I did Percy.

I don't know if I'm ready to like another person, though. What if I get too close to him and then something goes really wrong and he dies or something happens to him?

What if I bring him to an early death?

A lot of Campers say that I shouldn't be in the infirmary because it's causing the sick Campers unease.

It's not just the random Campers either, it's Solace's siblings. I don't tell him that I know that they say things like that and I don't tell him how much their words affect me.

I should be better than this.

I shouldn't be letting them take over my head with bad thoughts.

I've had enough of those as it is. I don't need anymore.

But I also can't get what they say about me out of my head, no matter how hard I try to.

Solace just walked in with our food. He sat my tray of food down on my lap and sat down with his own in his chair next to my bed. We ate mostly in silence except for him trying to "coach" me into eating a little bit more than what I usually do so that we can try and "get my appetite up more because you're sickly thin, Nico," He had said.

So, that's what we did. And when I was done and on the verge of throwing up, he finished his own food. When we were both done, he collected my tray and sat them both somewhere in the room. I wasn't really paying any attention as to where he sat them. It didn't really matter to me. I mentally shrugged. Don't ask how.

"So, on our list for today, you're supposed to be trying to talk to me more about your emotions and feelings. I don't really care which one you start with, we just need to see if one of them is worse than the other, that's all,"

"I don't really know where to start,"

"Think about it for a few," He said, "I have all day,"

And so I did. I thought.

Bianca's death doesn't really seem as important as to working on it because I've already mostly accepted it for the most part.

Me accepting myself does seem pretty important because how am I supposed to live with myself if I can never truly accept me for who I am. I mean, it seriously should not be this hard to accept myself as a gay person. For Hades' sake, I'm a demi-god, people don't even know I exist! What's more abnormal than that? Because it certainly isn't my sexuality.

But then again, I can't accept my crush on Percy because I can't accept myself for my sexuality.

Which one of those comes first?

I'm thinking the whole Percy thing because once I accept the fact that I do like boys and not girls, then I can move on to accepting myself.

Right?

I think that's the way to go.

"I think I need to work on the whole crush on Percy thing first," I said,

"Why's that? Not that I don't respect your opinion, I just wanted to know why,"

"Because how am I supposed to accept myself if I can't accept a crush?"

"That makes sense. So, we can work on that," Solace said,, "It's not just all going to happen overnight, Nico, it will take time, but I can promise you that the time that it takes will be worth it,"

"Okay," I said, quietly,

"We don't have to start today, Nico, we can start whenever you want,"

"No, no, in order to get better, I need to start opening up," I said, "It's all part of the process,"

"Okay, if you ever want to stop, just let me know. Okay?"

"Just ask me the questions or whatever,"

"How did your crush on Percy make you feel? Like did it make you feel disgusting or did it just feel normal? I'm not sure how to describe that one,"

"I don't really remember. Like, I didn't really think of it like that,"

"That's fine. We can just say it made you feel normal then?"

"Yeah, like it didn't make me feel bad but it didn't make me feel good," I said,

"Okay, that's a good first step," He said and then continued asking me questions about Percy until he had no more to ask. I don't really like being this open, but I want to get better and if this is how I do it, then shall be it.

I zoned out a few times during his questioning, but he snapped me back out of it and suggested we took a break whenever that happened. Our breaks consisted of more questions, but not about Percy, but about each other.

"So how about during breaks, we get to know each other a little bit more, because I'm just going to be honest here, Nico, I want to be your friend, so if we get to know each other a little bit more, we can be good friends!" He had said,

And so that's what we did. I don't really know how to feel about the whole friend thing with Will because nobody's really ever asked to be my friend. Writing this right now is making me feel weak and childish. I might stop. At least on this topic. I need to be strong again. This isn't being strong.

But, I can't let these thoughts get to me. It's thoughts like those that are even making me the way I am.

Maybe I should talk to Annabeth or Jason about this. I would talk to Percy considering he's the one I had a crush on, but things are already weird between the two of us since I've come out to him and told him about the crush so I don't want to make things even weirder. We were just starting to actually get close and then I went and ruined it. So, I think just not talking about the crush with him and just going on like nothing happened would be the best for right now. We can talk about it later. But I wouldn't mind talking to Annabeth because she's always supportive of things like that and then Jason was there with the whole Eros thing so him and I have gotten kinda close. But I don't want to just talk to Will because then I feel like I'm not truly opening up. I don't know. Maybe I should bring this up to him and see what he says.

"Hey, Nico, you zoned out again," Solace said, slightly waving his hand in front of my eyes,

"Sorry," I said, "I was just thinking about something,"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I was thinking that if you were the only person I would be talking to and opening up like this to, I wouldn't feel like I was actually opening up and I was thinking of other people I could talk to, but there's only two other people and that's Annabeth and Jason,"

"Why couldn't you talk to Percy? I mean, I know the whole crush thing is still weird between the two of you, but you guys have been close since the Battle of Manhattan,"

"Yeah, I know, I just don't think I'm ready to spill all my feelings to him. I mean, I know that Annabeth will most likely tell him if I say anything that concerns her and then he'll tell Jason who will then confront me about it but that doesn't really bother me,"

"Okay, so then, would you like me to get one of them or do you still feel like you need to get some more things out before you start talking to someone different?"

"I want to wait," I said,

"Alright then! Let's get back to those questions then, shall we?"

And so, that's what we did. We just talked, mostly Will asking questions, both mental health related and trying to get to know me better as a person. I couldn't really answer a lot of either of those questions because I just don't know who I really am yet. Does that make sense? Like I know who I am, I just don't know who I'm going to be for the rest of my life. It's like I know my temporary personality but it's not my personality? I'm not sure how to explain it.

I sighed, which Solace had caught on to but didn't ask any questions about it. Which is good I guess, he's not going to pry even if he needs to. That, he does do. Gets on my nerves sometimes, but that's just the way life works.

I guess I'll leave this off here now because I don't have much more to say, in all honesty. I don't have anything left to say right now. I don't feel like I'm getting better, but I don't feel like I'm getting worse. I'm not moving. I'm just staying put which isn't really giving me any confidence that this whole opening up thing is actually going to work. But, each person has their own experiences with it, I guess.