Chapter 8

Every night a nightmare, new or old, disturbed his sleep, causing him to wake up. Only a few hours from the moment he lays down, and he wakes up terrified, gasping for air and trying to stop the automatic tears that soaked his face. Each time he fought for the same reason. To convince himself that he was safe, that he was back home. The same situation has been going on almost every night since he came back.

Lately, the nightmares have been almost the same. Someone always stood in front of him, pointing a gun at him. This person was sometimes a suspect from a case they had taken on or even the victim they couldn't save. Other times it was someone from his past, Ben's parents, his mother, a friend from the army who never made it home. Sometimes it was even his own father. With Erin, things got better, and the nightmares were less. He felt safer with her. But when she left, everything turned out the way it was when he came back from Afghanistan, and a new face was added to his dreams of pulling the trigger.

And then Camila showed up. He knew being around her was wrong. But with her, he found the distraction he needed and could still sleep again. He couldn't say for sure if it was because of her or the beer bottles he drank every night, but he was grateful that he was able to get a few hours of sleep, enough to be functional. He really cared about her and what he told her was true, even if she no longer believed it. But now that she's gone and his lies have been revealed, he's drowning in his new guilt and fresh pain. Not just for Camila, but his friends as well. Even for Voight. He had let them all down, and there was no turning back.

And now, he was lying on his couch with a hockey game on, but without paying attention and his thoughts a tangle that can't unravel. Emma's voice echoes in his ears on repeat. Did she really want a new partner? Was he so mean to her? Of course, he was, he thought, he even pointed a gun at her.

A knock on the door forces him to come back to reality. He throws the blanket he had on him away. He rubs his eyes even though he knows he can't hide his tiredness. Another knock is heard louder this time, and he finally gets up to open the door. But the person in front of him surprises him. He expected it to be Will because he hadn't answered his last calls, even Voight to check on him, but he wasn't expecting his partner.

"Emma, what are you doing here?" he asks her. 

"Hi, I'm sorry. I tried to call you, but you didn't pick it up," she says quietly, and he can see her nervousness. He'd seen her call. She had called him while he was at the psychologist. 

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Come in," he finally tells her. 

Emma didn't expect him to apologize for that, especially after all the times he didn't answer. But she smiles at him as he moves to make room for her to pass. She quickly looks at his small apartment. A leather couch is located in the living room. Next to it, there is an armchair and some of his T-shirts on it. The kitchen is not visible from the corner that she stands, but behind her, there is a door that, as she guesses is the bedroom.

"Sorry for the mess. I didn't expect anyone," he tells her after a while rubbing his neck in embarrassment. Emma smiles at him. 

"It's all right. Everything is fine," she reassures him, and then he notices the bag in her hand for the first time.

"What's that?" 

"Oh, I almost forgot. I'd like to call it a peace offering and an apology," Emma says with a smile. Still, she's nervous and waiting for his reaction. She didn't even know why she was so nervous. Jay frowns as he can't think of a reason to apologize to him.

"A peace offering? An apology?" he repeats, and Emma puts the bag on the coffee table, but she remains upright just like the man opposite her. She opens her mouth to talk, but nothing comes out. Until Jay talks again. 

"You can sit down if you want," he says, nodding to the couch. Emma eventually sits while Jay moves the clothes and sits in the armchair, keeping some distance between them. 

"Well..." Jay's trying to get her to talk. He's not used to it. She's never been nervous and quiet before. After all, in the short time they knew each other, she told him her opinion clearly. But how much did he really know about her?

"Okay, okay," she takes a deep breath. 

"Look, Jay, I crossed the line. I kept asking you if you were okay, and I pushed you harder than I should. I don't know much about you, and I don't want to pretend to know how you feel. But I know what it's like not to be fine," and with this last sentence, she looks away without being able to look him in the eye. Jay understands this move, but he's too busy with everything he hears to think about what she might mean.

"And because I know what it's like, I can tell you're not fine. And that's perfectly normal, Jay. But you have your own way of dealing with things, and I didn't respect it. I thought pushing you would help you realize you needed help, and I made a mistake. But I don't regret doing it," she confesses and laughs lightly at the end. 

"Jay, I care about you, even though we don't know each other for long. You're my partner, you're my friend, and I want you to be okay. I may have crossed the line, and I apologize for that, but if it was for your sake, and I'd do it again." Jay is surprised at what he hears. Her words have a big impact on him. Maybe more than she'd like. But he doesn't have time to open his mouth before Emma starts talking again.

"You deserve to try to make your life better, Jay. And don't blame yourself for everything. It's worth a try. Not for me, or Voight, or anyone, but for you," she ends her monologue. Even she didn't expect to tell him all those things.

 She didn't even think she had that much in her to tell him. But now she told him everything, and the truth is, she was afraid of his reaction. Jay, on the other hand, was sitting still, trying to process everything he heard. How did she get to see beyond his walls? Why was she so nice to him? Why was she always trying even though he was pushing her away? "You deserve" Her choice of this word makes his gaze soften. She warms his heart. What did he do to deserve a partner like Emma? Or rather, a friend like Emma? He's been thinking for some time about the appropriate response, but he finally thinks it's best to inform her about his earlier decision.

"I went to a psychologist. After what you told me at the station. I went again. I talked to her" From Emma's reaction, he understands that he chose the right thing to say. A huge smile forms on her face, and her eyes light up. 

"Jay, that's... That's great. I'm proud of you," she tells him, and Jay isn't sure why, but that means a lot to him. 

"So that means you're not going to find a new partner?" Jay asks her. He wants it to sound like a joke, but Emma understands the fear he's feeling. 

"You can't get rid of me so easily Halstead. Trust me," Emma tells him, laughing. 

"So, Blackhawks?" she asks him, turning her attention to the TV. "Wait. Do you like hockey?" 

"Who doesn't like it?" 

"Emma Spencer, there's a lot I need to know about you," he says.

"Do you want a beer? Please don't tell me you don't drink beer" 

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to let you down. I don't drink," Emma replies, and he rolls his eyes making her laugh. 

He returns after a while from the kitchen, giving her a cup full of tea, and sits next to her. They watch the game for a while until Emma's attention falls on the frames in the room. There's a frame on the wall with a picture of Jay wearing his green military uniform, and next to one of his medals. There's another one with a group of men, all wearing military clothes. That must have been his team while he was overseas, Emma thinks. He's got another one that wears similar clothes, but there aren't that many people in it. It's just Jay and a young man next to him. Emma looks at him a little closer and realizes she's seen him in a photo in Kim's office at the station. However, apart from his team while he was in the army, he also has photos of their intelligence unit. In one, she can even see Erin standing next to him. She recognizes her from the photo that Voight has on his desk. On the other side of the room, there are pictures of Jay with another man with red hair. They look happy. Next to them is a black frame with a picture of a woman inside. She's beautiful and smiling at the camera. 

"Who is she?" wonders Emma, but when she sees Jay looking towards her, she realizes she said it out loud.

"Um. She is.. was my mom," Jay tells her when he realizes where she's looking at. His voice comes out more uncertain than he wanted.

 Talking about his mom wasn't easy for him. Especially after today. Emma understands his difficulty, and when she hears the past tense that Jay uses, she smiles sweetly. She's looking for the right response, so after a while, she looks at him. 

"You have her eyes" A small smile forms on his face. 

"I like the pictures that you have," she continues, trying to reduce some of the tension she's caused. 

"They are... Good. I guess," he tells her a little hesitantly. 

"Who is he?" she asks him again, pointing to the redhead in the photos. She really wants to know more about him. 

"Who? Οh that's Will. He's my older brother. He works at Med. ED," he reveals.

"I knew someone in your family would have hair like that," she says, and they laugh. 

The rest of the night went in the same way. Some more comments about Jay's photos, without touching the subject of the army. And other comments about the game on TV. And for one hour or two, they were both happy. And without knowing exactly why, they already felt intimate with each other.