Chapter 17

"Do you think Voight's going to be okay?" Emma asks Jay on the way back. It's probably the first time she's ever driven his truck since she didn't drink at all tonight. 

"I don't know. He loved Al. He was his best friend, his priest, his shrink. It won't be easy," he replies and looks at her from the passenger seat. He still can't believe he handed her his car keys in such comfort. He rarely let anyone drive it. 

"It's going to be weird. Coming into work, Al's not gonna be there. I worked with him once..., when I just joined. Back when you were undercover. He was the first to warm up to me," she smiles sadly. 

"Sorry," Jay cringes, remembering how he greeted her when they first met. 

"Don't be. It's all right. No one was thrilled with me at the beginning, considering I was the new girl" And suddenly all the memories come to her mind, one after the other, and a tear rolls down her cheek.

Jay pretends he didn't see it and looks the other way trying to hold his own tears. 

"Well? What are we going to do?" she asks him after a while and he looks at her curiously. 

"Well, we can take you to your house, and then I can call a cab," she starts saying, and Jay interrupts her. 

"I'm sorry I didn't think of that before. We can go to your house and I'll take a cab," he tells her, trying to find a convenient solution for her. 

"Jay it's ok. You needed it,"

She's afraid to tell him what's on her mind. 

"Or you can sleep at my place. The couch is quite comfortable," she says between funny and serious. But her voice betrays the anxiety she feels. Jay's eyes narrow straight to her offer. Something inside him wants to say yes right away, but he's scared.

"Um" he hesitates, and Emma knows exactly why. Nightmares. Something she struggles with, some nights, too. 

"I'm not going to let you take a cab after you drunk. And I'd like to believe that you wouldn't let me take one alone, at this hour" She's a cop. Taking a cab alone isn't something that scares her, but she's sure Jay isn't a man who leaves girls alone. And she's right since he's finally giving in. 

"I hope you don't snore," he tells her, and they laugh.

Emma is in the bathroom changing clothes, while Jay waits alone in the living room. He's already wearing his black pant and a short-sleeved t-shirt, clothes that he has in his truck in case he needs to change. Her house is small, and it doesn't have a wall separating her bed from the sofa. They're very close. Jay's heart starts beating fast from stress, and he gets up. He walks up and down looking at the space in his attempt to calm down. He approaches her library and looks at the books one by one. But one gets his attention and slowly grabs it in his hands. "Everything you need to know about post-traumatic stress disorder" Why did she have a book like that? He opens it and notices the underlined expressions within the pages. No way, he thinks, but before he can see it more, Emma comes out of the bathroom. 

"Are you hungry? You want me to make someth- " her sentence is cut in half as soon as she sees Jay holding the only book she didn't want to find in his hands.

Stupid, stupid, she curses at herself for leaving it with the others. Jay looks at her with a look she's never seen before. She can't understand what he's thinking, and that scares her. She's sure he's waiting for an explanation. 

"Jay I can explain," she begins to tell him. She feels like a little kid caught doing mischief. 

"Please don't get mad. I've bought it a long time ago. I don't know what you're thinking, but really at that time, I felt like it was the best I could do. And you weren't talking. And then Kim told me all those things. And I used to read about stuff like this, and..." she mutters with the anxiety overwhelming her. Jay looks at her as she nervously shakes her hands, passing them through her hair sometimes. She looks scared, and Jay's gaze softens. Of course, he is not mad. He just can't believe that she read something like this only for him. 

"I'm not angry," he tells her, catching her unprepared. He doesn't know if it's the pressure of all these days or how good she is with him, but he's moved. 

"You are not?" she asks him shyly. 

"No. Shocked yes, but not angry," he admits, sitting on the couch. He thinks for a while and then decides to be completely open with her. He's not sure if it's the alcohol or it's because of Emma. 

"Well, I assume you know that if I sleep here there's a good chance I'll have..."

"A nightmare?" Emma continues for him 'cause she wants to get him out of the difficult position of admitting something like that. 

"Yes, I know. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't want you to go home alone. I think after everything that happened, no one should be left alone. So if it happens, we'll deal with it," she tells him, heading for her little closet. She takes off a blanket and a pillow, and when he offers it to him, he takes it more calmly.

Indeed, a few hours later, even before dawn, Emma's sleep is interrupted by the sounds coming from the couch. Jay is whimpering in his sleep, making Emma understand what's going on, and slowly moves towards him. Kim's voice can be heard inside her head reminding her of the incident that Jay went to hit Adam in his sleep. That's why she sits at the coffee table without touching him and tries to wake him up with only her voice. 

"Jay, you're okay. Wake up" she repeats his name but he is still trapped in his dream. His face is frowning and a few tears roll down his cheeks. She feels her heart breaking, watching her partner so vulnerable. 

"Jay, wake up. You're safe," she tells him, and this time she rests her hand on his ankle.

She can't stand to see him like that. The sudden contact causes Jay to open his eyes abruptly and with sudden movements, he sits on the couch and has his fist up. She quickly goes on the defense and tries talking him down. 

"Jay, you're alright. It's just me. We're at my house in Chicago," she starts explaining to him where he is. He bows his head in shame. She could tell he felt awkward that she had witnessed such a vulnerable side of him. It felt like he had just shared a very personal moment with her, and she wanted to let him know that it was okay. 

"You are alright. Just, breathe, you had a nightmare and now everything's fine" she tries to calm him down. She slowly puts a hand on his back. He flinches at first, and she takes her hand away. He takes a deep breath and apologizes. 

"I'm sorry," his voice is so soft, that she's not sure if he actually spoke or she imagined it. But his voice is heard again. 

"Can you... Can you leave your hand there?" he asks her shyly. The fact that he just needed some human contact makes her heart hurt. 

"Of course, you're okay. It was just a bad dream. You're safe now, I promise. Try to breathe," she tells him, feeling his heartbeat fast under her touch. Jay obeys, and after a while manages to calm down. He still looks at his hands, avoiding seeing towards his partner, embarrassed until her voice forces him to raise his head.

"Is this okay?" she asks and smiles at him sweetly. He nods and is ready to lie down again when he sees her getting up. Her next move catches him unprepared. She sits next to him on the couch and covers their feet with the blanket. 

"What do you usually watch? You know...to keep you calm?" she asks him, and his eyes widen. He did watch TV when something like this happened. Documentaries were always his only company when he couldn't sleep or when he woke up in the middle of the night crying. 

"Documentaries" he admits and sees her searching the channels until she finds one. 

"That's an interesting choice. I usually watch cartoons," she tells him, wanting to remove the shame he feels. 

"Try to calm down, okay? Close your eyes if you're feeling better. I'll be here if anything happens," she tells him, turning her attention to the television. Jay leans back, with a small smile forming on his face. He did feel safe for the first time in a long time. After a while, his eyelids feel heavy, and without knowing it, he falls asleep on Emma's shoulder. The girl smiles, watching her partner sleep again.

The next morning Emma wakes up lying on the couch covered up. Jay must have covered her up when she fell asleep. Jay? Panic fills her when she realizes that her partner is nowhere in the room. She looks towards the kitchen, and a small piece of paper on her table draws her attention. 

"I didn't want to wake you up again. Thanks for yesterday. I'll see you at the district. There's tea ready in the teapot." Jay's handwriting makes her smile. 

Maybe things could get better.