|twenty-two|

|SunMi's POV|

"Are you girls ready?" ChanHyuck asks, causing me to pull my hand away from JongHo's in shock.

"Yes!" JuHee chirps joyously as I glance toward JongHo to catch him glaring at me.

"I'm sorry." I mouth as I frown at him.

"It's fine." He sighs as he leans back in his chair.

"JongHo—" I stop myself from going any further as the fans slowly start filing in.

I love the fans. I really do, but this just isn't something I enjoy. I don't like being face to face with so many people. It makes my heart race and my chest tighten. It feels as if my throat is closing and I'm taking my final breaths. The one thing I need right now is to hold JongHo's hand, but I can't.

JongHo is the one who always keeps me grounded. He makes it easier to breathe when it feels like everything is closing in around me, but the world can't know that. No one can know, not even SeongHwa—especially not him.

"I can't believe I actually get to meet you in person." A boy stops directly in front of me with a bouquet of roses in his hands. He holds them out for me without sparing JongHo a glance.

"Thank you." I force a weak smile and take the flowers from him. I set them down on the table and awkwardly touch hands with him.

I can sense JongHo's uneasiness beside me, but I can't do anything about it. Instead, I just focus on the fan in front of me. I have to play nice.

"It's hard to believe you're a gamer. You're so pretty and talented. I'd kill to have a girlfriend like you." He smiles brightly as JongHo shifts beside me.

"Thanks, but I'm not that good at anything, really." I try to brush it off as nothing, but it doesn't seem like nothing to JongHo.

"I'm going to come to every concert and fan meet you guys do." The boy chirps as he unwillingly moves onto JiSu.

"So, you're the iconic snow goddess." Another boy hurries toward me with a large bag. He shoves it at JongHo before taking my hands in his.

"I guess I am." I mumble as I steal a worried glance at JongHo.

"We were on a team once. I took a death for you. I'd do it all over again now—I mean knowing how amazing you are and all." His face grows bright red as the girl behind him nudges him to keep moving.

"It's nice to finally meet you in person, Mouse." The girl with snow white hair smiles brightly as she places a white, sparkly bag in front of me.

"Sin?" I take her hands in mine and squeeze them tightly.

"In the flesh, Captain. I can't believe you're doing this idol thing. I never imagined you'd actually go through with it." Sin glances around at the crowded room.

"I'm honestly shocked, too." I sigh as I take the opportunity to steal another glance at JongHo.

His face is pale and his foot taps recklessly on the marble ground. His face is buried in his phone while the world around him buzzes with laughter and conversation.

"Is that—is he Master?" Sin leans in and mumbles as she follows my gaze to JongHo.

"Shh—I don't know what you're talking about." I place my hand over her mouth as JongHo looks up at us.

"Umm—got it." Sin tugs my hand from her mouth. She pretends to zip her lips and throw away the key.

Sin offers me a playful wave before moving forward. JongHo gets to his feet and slips behind me. I grab his arm and pull him back.

"Where are you going?" I ask out of concern. Usually, I'd let him do his own thing, but with everything going on, I'm worried he might do something stupid.

"I've got gifts in the car to grab." JongHo mumbles as he carefully pries my fingers off of his wrist.

"Are you mad?" I question quietly as I pull him closer to me.

"I'm not mad at you. I just—I have gifts to give the other girls. I'll be right back." JongHo reassures me as he slips out of my grip.

I watch him make his way through the crowd and out the door. I swallow hard as reality sets in. There's so many people here to see me. They think I'm better than I actually am. They see all the shining lights and the titles I've won. Not one of them has seen me behind the scenes of all the bloody battles. They don't know the real me. They don't want to.

So many new faces pass me by and so many new gifts are stacked on the table beside me. I don't need them. Honestly, I don't want them. I have everything I need, but I can't say no. I have to accept the gifts like they're someone's heart. I appreciate them, I really do, but it's too much of a burden. What if I disappoint them and they regret giving them to me? What if I cause Candi to disband with all of the rumors about my family?

As the last fan leaves my table, I notice NaHee rushing toward me. Her eyes are lit up in excitement as she slips passed Aera to wrap her arms around me.

"You have so many gifts! You were worried people weren't going to like you because of the rumors. They love you. Aren't you happy?" NaHee pulls back to take in my grin expression.

"Yeah, I guess it's nice." I shrug as I search the room for JongHo.

"What's wrong? Talk to me." NaHee brushes my hair from my face as she stares me directly in the eyes.

"A lot of things—it's alright. I'll be fine. Today is supposed to be a good day." I take a deep breath and try to convince myself to cheer up.

"You know I'm here to talk, right? Even boy problems." NaHee runs her thumb over my cheek lovingly.

"It's not him. He's just jealous—I think. It's just a little much. I'm not used to so many people I guess." I brush it off as nothing, even though it's something. It's something big. It's so big it feels like it's eating me alive.

"When we're done here, you owe me a chat. In private chat. Just between us two. Deal?" NaHee takes my hands in hers and squeezes.

I nod and allow her to slip away from me. I swallow hard as I'm left alone once again. There's so many people around me—too many—yet I feel like I'm the only one for miles. The world stills and my head spins as I struggle to find my chair. I grab onto the back of it, but not before my knees can give out.

A strong arm wraps around my waist and keeps me on my feet. JongHo lowers me down in the chair as if nothing is wrong. He does everything he can to keep all eyes off of us as I try to recover.

"Breathe." JongHo kneels down next to me and ties my shoe.

"I—I can't." I close my eyes tightly as I try to hold back my tears.

NaHee notices and quickly gets Aera out of the vicinity. She does everything she can to keep the focus on them and off of us.

"Hey, it's just me and you. Don't think about anyone else right now. Focus on me and only me." JongHo takes my hands in his as I lower my head. My hair hides my face from any potential prying eyes.

"Hey—hey, don't cry. Don't cry, SunMi. Stay right here. I'll be right back." JongHo quickly gets to his feet and makes his way toward ChanHyuck.

I dig my nails into my thighs and close my eyes tightly. I do everything I can to try and block out the loud voices. There's too much going on. It's way too loud. My head begins to spin uncontrollably.

"Keep your head down." ChanHyuck grabs ahold of my arm with JongHo trailing behind him.

"I—I can't breathe." I cry as ChanHyuck guides me into the kitchen.

"I can calm her down. You can go back out—I was just wondering if she had her pills." JongHo scratches at the back of his neck.

"If she brought them they're probably in her bag." ChanHyuck explains as he peeks out the window to see what's going on.

"I got it. I promise. I'll have her back out in a few minutes." JongHo reassures ChanHyuck as he glances toward me anxiously.

"If you need me just open the door and wave." ChanHyuck instructs as he slowly inches out of the kitchen.

"SunMi—listen to me. You wanted this. I told you it'd be hard, especially for someone like you, but what did you tell me?" JongHo kneels in front of me and tries to distract me by bringing up something else.

"I—I said I wanted—wanted to be loved. I wanted to—to be noticed. I didn't want to be afraid." I manage to collect myself a bit as he holds my hands in his.

"Prove it. Today, I want you to get up on that stage and prove that you don't want to be afraid. Can you do that for me?" JongHo takes my face in his hands and forces my eyes to meet his.

I nod weakly as he leans in to place a soft kiss on my lips. He pulls back quickly and uses his sleeve to wipe my tears. He stands up and holds his hand out for mine. I accept it and get to my feet. I take a few shaky breaths before allowing him to lead me back into the crowded room.