Chapter twenty

We eat, we laugh and we talk about the good times and bad times. What's been happening recently and what we'll be doing next. The next chapter in our lives.

Tasmin knows exactly where she's going. Sydney university for a degree in psychology. How coincidental? Maybe when you're a professional you'll be able to treat me, Dr. Tasmin.

I don't say a thing about me.

"There's a show on tonight," Charlie announces. "I think I'll go," taking Lilli's hand, "And I'll take Lilli."

Around him, Lilli seems to lose her attitude. Instead of her usual bossy self, leading us all, keeping us safe and organised, she becomes somewhat of a follower. I won't admit it aloud, but her smile is brighter now, and I can't help but feel a little happy for her and Charlie.

Ben turns to Emily. "And where are we going to go, Em?"

"Hmm," Emily thinks. "Bingo with the oldies!"

"WOOH!" Ben exclaims, throwing an arm around Emily's shoulders and wheeling her off.

Charlie and Lilli bid us adieu, and then they're off, leaving Tasmin and I alone. I feel my cheeks heat up. I suddenly want to be outside, away from the lights, where Tasmin can't see the redness of my cheeks.

"So…" Tasmin starts, and even her cheeks are slightly red. "Should… we…?"

"Um," I start. "A walk?" It's not too much for the first night, not too little, and I'll easily be able to speak to her alone now. It's perfect.

"A walk," Tasmin repeats. "It's perfect."

Through the glass door I can see that the top deck is practically empty. The pools have nets thrown over them, the stores are all shut, and passengers are nowhere to be found. It's somewhat eerie, but the glowing fairy lights are comforting as they trickle down from the pillars.

As I push open the door I can't help but think how much easier it was to open earlier today. After two tries I finally shove it open, but when we step out onto the top deck, my entire body is slammed backwards.

Wind. Very, very strong wind.

I'm completely startled, but Tasmin is unfazed by the ferocity of the salty gusts. Then I remember how many times she's been on a cruise and know she's completely used to this.

"Oh, sorry, Harry, I forgot to warn you how strong the wind is at night," she tells me, smiling. Then she reaches out her hand. "Come on."

I feel heat on my face and suddenly it's not cold anymore. I'm in a boiler room and someone has set the temperature to oven-mode.

I take her hand and we wander up then down the deck in silence. Admiring the view. Well, Tasmin's eyes are wide as she explores the deck with her eyes, while mine are trained on her.

Thoughts rushing. Worries scurrying. Composure crumbling.

"Let's go upstairs," Tasmin says.

I follow her up to Deck fourteen, where the wind becomes concerningly stronger. As soon as she hits the top step she bounds and leaps along, arms thrown wide, her hair bouncing around her. She whoops loudly, and I laugh. She looks so free, so untouched, burdenless. Unlike me. Her life hasn't been falling around her. Jagged and pointed rocks filled with distasteful memories have been shooting down around me for years now, near-missing me, grazing my limbs. And to think that Tasmin could be the one who caused those rocks to drop around me?

"Did you put on perfume?" she asks loudly.

Not only perfume, Tasmin. I've put on blush too. "Yeah," I tell her. "Charlie doused me in it." It's the honest truth.

For a moment, all is serene. Even the wind has become gentler, and the only movement is our hair, blowing in the breath of the night, the ship gliding through the water, and the moon, sliding across the navy sky.

"You've changed," Tasmin tells me.

I've been gazing into the pools of her eyes for so long that I haven't noticed the frown on her face.

I try to sound casual. "Yeah? How so?" I ask.

She sighs, gliding over to the balcony, leaning against the rail and staring out into the dark unknown.

"I remember how you used to be, Harry," she says, as if she's talking about a sentimental thing she lost. "Always smiling, always surrounded by people, always friendly."

I glance out towards the ocean. Not because it's beautiful, or mysteriously black, but because I need the darkness to drown out my blushing.

"You've always been that way, Harry," she sighs. "To me, at least, the same. I know I only knew you for a year in primary school, but it feels like I've known you this whole time," she explains. "Or, maybe you've just been in my thoughts this whole time."

Her cheeks darken and she flicks away bashfully. When she glances back, the bluebell in her eyes has faded, and the pool of colour at the bottom of her eyes fade to the same black of the sky and the sea.

"It's your smile, Harry," Tasmin admits as if it's her darkest secret. "I know we've all changed, and we've all been through so much, but I can see it now. It's taken me all day to confirm it, but I know there's something wrong," she explains. She finally turns to face me. "Your smile is darker. More… forced. There's a reason, right?" I hesitate. "You can tell me, you know."

For a moment, just one, shameful moment, I'm willing to slice open the forbidden chest of the secrets I own.