Facing my demons

Opening my eyes, I had the hope that maybe I was with my creator, but maybe because I was a sinner even the devil was better being alive. To my misfortune I opened my eyes to this white room with lights ,and machines connected to me. I knew then I survived because that was sure no after life .

This man, another creation like the ones who hurt me made his way towards me .As he touched my shoulder I moved away and felt tears fill my eyes." I won't hurt you ,I'm doctor Nathan Houton, I'm here to check up on you " he said that slowly as if I were some kind of alien ." How di-did I get here? "My throat was dry, and my jaw was painful." Some people found you near their house and brought you here, your family is outside "he said that while checking my pulse and writing something in his board.

They did a great job beating me, because my body was filled with pain. Aunt Phindy came in running to me, she gave a tight hug." Baby how you are "she asked while she firmly placed me on her chest and gently brushed my back. All this triggered the emotions I had buried deeply and I just cried my lungs out. I couldn't explain the pain I felt but it hurt as hell. And I hated feeling like that. And to think this would haunt me the rest of my life.

When the doctor talked about my family I hoped my mom was there because I needed her here ,to just hold me and tell me she loved me no matter what .But she was nowhere to be seen . The doctor came back again .I could see the sympathy in his eyes, and how he empathized with me. I hated that people looked at me and felt sorry for me. He came besides my bed and handed two bottles of tablets to me," You got to take these and come back again after 30 days".

I took the tablets from his hands. "What are these for" I asked as I looked at them .The doctor took a deep breath and answered me " Those are ARV's, don't be alarmed they for precaution, you just need to come back after thirty days for another blood test ". I couldn't stand the nurses coming in and out ,giving me those states as if they blamed me for what happened to me .Aunt Phindy came back again, she found me facing the window and gently trying to dry my tears .

She just came and sat next to me, not altering a word. I just burst out into tears like a small child throwing a tantrum. And Aunt Phindy was just there to hold me .I kept on having flash backs of that night and I couldn't erase it from my mind." It hurts like hell, it hurts so much, please take me home, and I want to go home "I said those words through my tears, whilst still hearing the laughter of my rapist ringing around in my ear.

While my Aunt went out to talk to the doctor about taking me home .The police came in. They just began drilling me with questions ... What was I doing alone at that time of the night? Why was I wearing those clothes? Those questions caused the rage in me to build up. It don't matter where I was or what I was wearing those man had no right to take my virginity from me with such cruelty. As the police went out after I had given them my statement. I was so mad at myself but mostly at Lewis for leaving in that place.

Maybe if he never left me at the park I would still be whole. I wouldn't be so crushed and broken .I hated him as much. Aunt Phindy came back in followed by the doctor. "I will discharge you, but when I get the blood test results I'll need you to come back again "he said handing me some papers. I just nodded. I got dressed in some tracksuits Aunt Phindy had bought for me .And we made our way home.

As the car came in through the gate there he was, Lewis. He was sitting in the poach. I could feel my hands shaking, my anger rising all over again. Just by looking at him the events of last night began replaying in my mind. Tears filled my eyes. I took a deep breath and began walking towards him. He stood right in front of me .My anger got the best of me and just started landing fists into his cheat ,and tears streaming down my face ." I'm sorry "He said that trying to hold me." I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! I hate you "I screamed that at him.

I woke up with a splitting headache; it must have been because of the sleeping tablets I took. But they helped a lot because for that time I never thought of anything but just slept. I had to go pee. My genital area was painful, and I just couldn't bear looking at it. I felt filthy, I was disgusted in myself, and I could still see their hands rubbing around my body. I decided to take a bath. I splashed water all over scrubbing myself, I scrubbed, and scrubbed trying to remove their scent from me but I couldn't. I was living in a dark space my mind created and there was no way out.

I finally realized it was a lost cause. I got out of the bath, went to the mirror just to see what I reflected, if I was still the same person. Tears were streaming down my eyes creating a puddle on the tiles. I looked straight in the mirror, it was a reflection of me but different. I was trapped in my mind, replaying last night. I was slowly drowning in my thoughts and no one could save me.

In that mirror I could no longer see my reflection it was blurry, and then it just reflected the shadows of those men! I don't know what came over me but I started hitting the mirror, trying to break it in to pieces, just the way I was. I didn't feel the pain ,couldn't see I was hurting myself until there was red spots on the !mirror ,and blood was all over my hands .I just curled up in a corner ,naked and cold ,because I thought I could get closure that way or maybe bleed to death ,whatever came first .