Hoyeon’s Dreams

(Past)

I had a dream last night. Consciously, I was saving points in my life. The one I kept coming back to was three days before... I decided to go through with the ending once, and I ended up marrying someone I didn't want to marry. They certainly didn't want it either, since we joked about it as I hugged him. I was still young for a long time, but I kept going back in time over and over, and I felt centuries old. The save point was always in the middle of doing a task, and the save point was... a small little round object in a tin that was partially translucent in my bag. I always made sure to go to the right one; to activate it, you just needed to tap the circle. I eventually made it through the way I wanted, helping others in the correct way for them to be happy, having watched them despair over and over in the past. In the end, I also never got married, and my life closed up. It was like a flower blooming in reverse and closing. It ended so fast, and then it opened up again. I was me. I lost my save points, and I was without anything I had in life. With a blink of an eye, I was somewhere—the wilderness?

No, the wind there was too strong to be in some sort of forest. I twitched my eyes several times before opening it to a new setting. Rocks fumble and scrape into one another as they collide right in front of me. I was on top of a mountain, near a cliff. Right in front of me, there stood a young boy. I looked down to see a puddle of water that seeped through the ground and began to overflow beneath my feet. It was mirror-like; I could see myself, my younger self. Looking up again, I noticed the boy slowly approaching me. While walking closer, he asked me a question that made me puzzled. "Do you think everyone else's happiness is more important than your own?" He asked me optimistically. I knew my answer deep down in my heart: what makes me most happy is seeing the smiles of others. I want to help people in need, regardless of whether I have to sacrifice myself for the cause. But why? Why do I feel so much pain? That was what I thought before being surprised with a warm and gentle grip on my hand. The boy began to speak; however, I was only able to make out half of the things he said due to the wind riling up to howl my wails loudly.

I couldn't remember why I cried. I remember feeling an aching pain in my chest as the boy's gentle hand held mine. I remembered him asking me, "You went back to so many save points in your life, yet none of them you seem to care about altering the result of your own happiness. You watch them despair as you empathise and sympathise, trying your best to help them. Whatever you thought was right or wrong, you ended up hurting more people throughout that journey. "That was what he said before I stood on a soft, watery surface. I could somehow feel the sensation on my feet. It was as though it wasn't a dream and that I was really standing in the middle of the vast sea. A lull in the sea filled with the reflections of thousands of stars Not before long, I woke up laying restlessly on the ground on the side of my bed.

End of dream~

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(Present)

In a small schoolroom, almost in a fantasy world, near a cliff A test was ongoing. I knew I was supposed to be there, but I was in a building further up. It was very dark outside, cold, and night. Candles lit up the small building; each one was a building with one room. The buildings were made of ancient wood or rocks. You could feel the looming presence outside of the trees and shrubbery. I stayed inside; this room was full of books. I'd like to think it was the storage room for the class. But there were large windows on the side of the building with an oriental kind of design. I felt like a ghost, just wandering this room as the candles grew dim. The moonlight touched half the room from outside the windows. 

I felt like I was alone, and this is my space. Then a boy happened upon me. I wonder who that could be. He entered the room. He said he didn't know I was here, and he was hiding from the test. I told him I understood and to make himself at home. But he said he should probably do it. So I went outside and escorted him down to the classroom. I still felt like a ghost. Just there. Lightly. When we arrived, the classroom lights shone on the ground outside. I led him down the rocky stone path here. Then he went inside. I told him I wouldn't be joining and told him goodbye. I then flew away from the windows so no one could see me and went back to the room I was staying in.

When I got back into the room, the silence wrapped around me like a comforting cocoon. Before I could set foot into the room, a gentle flicker of candles on the teacher's desk greeted me, casting elongated shadows across the walls. It was now nighttime, and the moonlight seeped through the wavy curtains along the windows. I sat down at the back of the classroom before I noticed the glow bathing half of the room in an enchanting light. As a ghost, I could virtually see through my body a faint presence lingering in this unknown realm.

As I was sitting all alone, reminiscing about my childhood days, a new presence entered the room. In contrast to the previous one, he was a tall young boy who looked curious as he approached me. He wore a smile across his face while giving off a warm aura. He stared at me for a while before asking for my name. He had now broken into the solitude that I had grown accustomed to. I told him that I was hiding from a detention, and I thought that it would be such a waste to sit inside the teacher's office and miss out on the full moon tonight. 

He took a seat next to me with an easy smile. Our conversation flowed like a gentle stream, releasing me from the isolation that had surrounded me. We discussed our likes, our dreams, and the wonders of this fantasy realm. We talked for what felt like hours, the soft creaking of the ancient building mingling with our voices as we stretched and contracted the time.

"So your mother doesn't care about you?" He asked me with a perplexed expression.

"No, she doesn't; she left me with those boys. They hurt me. He and the other boy, who only wanted to change me, forced me to become someone else."

"What about your father?" The mysterious boy asked.

"He doesn't even look at me anymore. The only reason he wants me to keep living is so that I can make him more money. People would think I'm insane whenever I tell them about these things, but I realised that I wasn't insane; rather, I was being manipulated to think so by everyone around me."

"My mother... she didn't even spend my 18th birthday with me; instead, she spent it with her new boyfriend. She left me all alone with him. He was hurting me, and every night I wailed and cried. My mother would opt to just tell me to shut up and continue watching quietly from the side."

"I tried to be so good, but they only see me as bad."

The mysterious boy looked at me in confusion. I tried to suppress it, but I knew for sure that my face was etched with lines of agony

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to vent all of that onto you."

"No, it's fine; I can tell from just one look that you are an incredible person. Despite all those tragedies, you clung to everyone's wishes until your last breath. You cared about them all, right? No matter how much people hurt you, you still put up with them. That's what makes you so strong."

"Strong? Me?" I replied, stuttering with each word as I tried to hold the tears back. "I'm nothing more than an empty shell—a shell that hasn't aged since twelve. I latch onto anyone seeking to be found; I'm no longer complete by myself."

Suddenly, our conversation was interrupted when the school bell sounded, its ring echoing throughout the room, signalling the start of the lunch break despite the fact that it was still dark outside. The boy's face fell when he realised he had forgotten his lunch. Without hesitation, a notion occurred to me: I had a Nutella sandwich that I had hurriedly packed before coming to school, even knowing it wasn't the healthiest decision.

Food was limited in my house, so sharing it seemed like a small act of kindness. The boy gratefully accepted the sandwich with a hint of delight in his eyes. We were both eating our food before the atmosphere shifted drastically.

The cosy vibe of the room gave place to a nightmare-like one. The walls started to abruptly sprout dark limbs and a swarm of staring eyes that appeared to stare straight through me. Shadows solidified into distorted human forms, dancing macabrely over the floor. Like frigid blades in the air, whispers and jeers cut right through me. As they tried to break the fragile bond that had formed between the youngster and me, the voices began to mock me and call me derogatory things.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt overwhelmed by the assault of darkness. The boy stood there, a solid pillar in the middle of violence. His voice broke through the noise, ordering stillness from the menacing shadows. He cried out against the terrifying swarm with a determined voice. He was speaking; however, a lot of what he said was blurred out, as if an unknown entity had muffled all my hearing at that particular time. I heard something about him guaranteeing that even if the world turned its back on me, he would never abandon me. It was the only phrase I could make sense of. 

"Cya later, Hoyeon."

The shadows shifted as his words resonated across the room, their impact dissolving like a dispersing mist. They disintegrated into oblivion one at a time, leaving only the peaceful embrace of the starry chamber. A real grin curled his lips as he caught my gaze one last time. The world seemed a bit brighter and warmer at that time. Just as quickly as the darkness appeared, the dream dissolved, and reality softly drew me back.

End of dream~

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I wish I could have gone back in time and changed how we met; maybe if it was in a different life or a different time, perhaps things would have turned out differently. How sad when you give it your all! Try your hardest to keep it together. Tell yourself that they'll change. Someday, it's sure to get better. You could tell them of your love, or you could make them a home-made lunch. You could play a game side-by-side or just give them a warm hug. How terrifying it is when they lose sight, to the fact that you have tried and that all the effort you put into giving them you has gone up and dried. 

When they focus on what you don't do over the things that you've done, when they start to say they lost you to someone new, however, I do not blame you at all. I know it was your first love; I see your regrets, and I wish you well. There is no use to dwell. On broken, unrequited love. The dream's recollection persisted, a tapestry of emotions woven into the fabric of my brain, reminding me of the strength of connection that I had always yearned for from you, even in the face of your darkness.