Chapter 98

Liliana's pov

"I am so exhausted and we didn't even finish visiting all of the museums" I sigh as Derek and I sit in the kitchen eating Chinese food. Today Derek took me on a tour of D.C. as he promised. We visited a couple of different monuments and museums which I really enjoyed, but I was definitely exhausted now.

"I know. D.C. is filled with so many different sites, it's impossible to visit them all in one day" he says

"It really is, now I see why so many people visit here. There's so much to do" I sigh

"Yeah, it's definitely a popular travel destination" he agrees

"I know, I can't believe I'm actually here. I always dreamt of visiting D.C. When I was younger it was on my travel bucket list" I say

"Really? Did you travel a lot growing up" he asks

"No, not really. My mom was a teacher, so we didn't really have a lot of money to go towards traveling, but I did get to stay in New York with my grandma during the summer while my mom taught summer school" I say as I sip my water

"New York is nice, did you like it there" he asks

"Somewhat. I mean I didn't get to do a whole lot when I was there, because my grandma was super strict. The only think I did do was learn the art of sneaking out" I smirk

"You used to sneak out of the house? I never would've pictured that" he laughs

"It wasn't often, only when I was in New York. I mean my grandma gave me a 7 o clock curfew, that's inhumane. I had no choice, my livelihood depended on it" I laugh

"That still puts you into the wild child category" he says

"Oh, don't act all holier than thou. I know that you broke some rules growing up" I sat

"Me? No, I was the good one out of the bunch" he smiles

"Sure" I laugh. "What was it like growing up with so many siblings" I ask

"Loud. There was always so much going on in the house, there was never a dull moment. That's part of the reason I chose to become a surgeon. I love the silence and stillness of it" he says

"Did you like growing up in a big family" I ask

"Yeah. Of course we argued and aggravated each other a lot, but I wouldn't have traded them for the world. We were always there for each other no matter what situation we were in" he says

"That's nice. I always admired people with big families" I say

"You didn't like being an only child" he asks

"I loved it, I mean I always had my moms undivided attention and I never had to share my stuff, but sometimes it was kind of lonely and I wondered what it would be like to have siblings in the house, especially since I always knew I had a brother out there somewhere" I say

"Do you ever think about contacting your brother, now that you've met him" he asks

"Not a lot, but at times the thought crosses my mind" I sigh

"What stops you" he asks

"I don't know. I guess the fact that we're adults now and we both have our own lives to focus on. It's just a little late to build a sibling bond, plus my life's constantly changing and so full of baggage that the last thing I need is someone else in my life" I shrug

"I understand where you're coming from, but I just want you to be for sure. I don't want you to miss out on having a sibling bond and regret it one day" he says

"I won't, because I have you and you're just like the brother I've always wanted. I mean even if I decided to start talking to my brother now, it isn't like we'd be able to make memories like you and I have made or be able to build a bond like we have" I say

"I'm happy that I can fill that place for you and you know that I feel just like you're my sister, actually I think we might be closer then I am with my sisters after all of the things that we've been through over the last couple of years" he says

"We've definitely been there for each other through a lot, from dealing with so many deaths to the many near death experiences we've had" I sigh

"We've definitely had our fair share of those" he says

"Maybe after all of the crap we've been through, the universe will finally be on our side in the future and actually allow us be happy" I sigh

"I can only hope so" he nods

"When you think about the future, where do you see yourself at" I ask

"I'm not sure. I'm at a good place in life, I mean I'm pretty much living any neurosurgeons dream with this job, but when I think about my future, I see myself getting to come home to Meredith and the kids again. I'm thankful to have this job, but I miss seeing them everyday. I know I call them and facetime them, but it's not the same" he sighs

"So when you picture that, do you see yourself in Seattle or D.C." I ask

"Well that I'm not sure of" he says

"I'm sure you'll figure it out, you always make good life decisions and if you ever need help trying to figure out what to do, you know I'm here" I say

"I know" he smiles. "So what do you picture for yourself when you think about your future" he asks

"I picture being content in life again and Jackson and I being in a happy place in our marriage, but sometimes I feel like I'm playing myself for even entertaining the idea of being happy" I sigh

"No, you're not. You're going to get to a good place in life in again, it's going to take time but you'll get there" he says.

"That's what I keep telling myself and sometimes I believe it, like when I keep myself distracted and busy so that I can't really think about everything, but then there are days that I just don't know how I'm going to keep going and I can't stop thinking about my baby no matter how hard I try" I sigh, blinking back my tears that threatened to fall

"Lily" Derek sighs sympathetically

"No, I'm sorry. We've had a really good day and I'm ruining it. I swear I try not to be depressing and talk about everything, I just think about it a lot and I end up talking about it" I say

"Don't apologize. It's only been three months since you lost your baby, it's normal for you to still be struggling with everything and you need to talk about it, you shouldn't hold it in" he assures me

"I know, I just hate talking about everything. It makes me emotional and I always end up crying and I'm just not used to being this vulnerable and weak" I sigh wiping away my tears that escaped

"You're not weak, you are one of the strongest people I know. The fact that you're even making the effort to get to a good place again instead of giving up on everything shows that. Yes, you have vulnerable moments, but that's to be expected. The best thing for you to do at this point is to allow yourself to experience this vulnerability, instead of hiding it. You should talk about everything and cry whenever you need to, that's okay because I'm your best friend and I'm here. I may not be able to take your pain away, but I'm able to be here so you don't have to recover from this pain alone and so that you can cry on my shoulder as much as you need to" he says as he moves his chair beside me and wraps me in a hug

"Thank you" I sniffle. "This whole situation just hurts. I swear I'm trying my best to be okay, but I'm sad and I'm angry and I just want my baby back. This isn't how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to have a healthy child and Jackson and I were supposed to watch him grow up, but that was just taken away from us in an instant and it hurts so much and whenever I'm in Seattle it's just like everything is a reminder of what life is supposed to be, which is why I came here because I can't take that right now, I just can't, because I'm already in pain. Everything hurts so much, even just opening my eyes in the morning is draining and I need to not feel like this, I need to be okay because feeling like this everyday is to much" I cry. Lately I've been managing to keep it together for the most part. I mean I still cry everyday, but never in front of anyone or hysterically, but right now I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I couldn't help, but to let out every tear I had been holding in. I guess it's because Derek is the only person I can really talk to about how I feel. I mean I know I have Jackson, but he's hurting just as much as I am and the last thing he needs is to be worrying about me right now.

"It's going to be okay" Derek says rubbing my back soothingly as I get on his shoulder

"It hurts so bad. I just want my baby back" I cry

"I know it hurts" he sighs sympathetically. I continue crying until I feel like I can't anymore. It actually felt good to let out all of the tears I had been holding in, but it also showed be that I don't have it together like I thought I did. I guess I'm just going to have to keep taking it one day at time.