Chapter 96

Liliana's pov

"Okay, last time I checked in on Mrs. Jefferson her vitals were good, but I still want you to keep a steady check on her and to update me if there are any changes" I instruct Stephanie

"Yes ma'am" she nods before walking away to tend to the patient and I focus on my patient files.

"Hey, what are you doing here" I ask when I see Derek walking over to the front desk where I'm standing reviewing files

"Hey, I just had to come in and drop the kids off to daycare before I go run a couple of errands and I thought I'd check in and see how your days going" he says

"Oh, well it's going fine. Just busy as usual. I've had back to back surgeries all morning. This is the first time today that I've gotten a couple of minutes outside of the O.R." I sigh

"The life of being the Chief of Neuro" he smirks

"I know, gotta love it" I smile

"How's Jackson? I haven't seen him around" he asks making me tense up. After our argument last night, Jackson and I were not speaking at all. We didn't even end up sleeping in the same room last night, he ended up going to our guest room, which was probably for the best because I don't think either one of us wanted to be anywhere near each other last night.

"Not sure, I haven't seen him this morning. I had to come in early, so I left before he woke up" I shrug as I continue focusing on my files

"Is everything okay" he asks

"Yeah, everything is just great" I sigh

"That means no. Come on, we're going to go talk" he says taking my iPad from me and handing it to the nurse before taking me to a conference room

"Derek, I have work to do. I can't just sit here and talk about my problems" I say as we sit down at the table

"Well we're not leaving from in here until you do. You can't focus on work properly if you're upset anyways" he says

"Fine" I sigh

"What's going on with you and Jackson? Is it about what we talked about yesterday" he asks

"Yeah. After you and I talked, I decided that Jackson and I really needed to have a discussion about our marriage and learning to communicate again after everything that's happened and it didn't go well at all. He basically feels like I'm being selfish and like I only care about how I feel and what I need and not what he needs. So our conversation ended horribly and with us sleeping in separate rooms" I sigh

"I'm sorry" he sighs sympathetically

"No, don't apologize. It isn't like its your fault" I say

"I know, but I still hate that you two aren't getting along" he says

"Me too. I don't know why I was so clueless and expected everything to be exactly how it was before our baby died, but now I realize that things have changed and I have to get used to that and I will, but the thing I can't get used to is not knowing who I am as a surgeon, as a wife, or as a person in general and honestly I think I need a change if I'm ever going to figure that out" I say

"What do you mean" he asks

"I mean, if the offers still open I want to take you up on your offer to go back to D.C. with you when you leave" I sigh

"Of course the offers still open, but are you sure that's what you want to do" he asks

"Yeah, I thought about it all last night. I think what Jackson and I both need is some time apart so we can work on finding ourselves and learning what we need individually. We can't make each other happy if we can't make ourselves happy first" I say

"I agree and you know I support this decision 100% and I thinks it's a great move, but you're going to have to figure out how to tell Jackson you're leaving" he says

"I know and I'm definitely not looking forward to that, but hopefully the conversation will go smoothly and he'll understand why I'm doing this" I sigh. I know that choosing to leave town isn't the most ideal way to deal with my problems, but I know it's what I need to do. I just hope that Jackson will be able to understand that, even though I doubt he will. "I have to go, work calls" I sigh standing up as my pager goes off.

"Okay, I will text you later" he says as we walk out of the conference room

"Okay" I say before walking away to the E.R. where I was paged.

"What do we have" I ask

"30 year old male, motorcycle collision victim. No internal bleeding, but head took most of the impact resulting in a decompressed skull fracture" Owen explains as I examine the wound

"Okay, take him to O.R. 3 and get him prepped for surgery" I say to Jo

"Yes ma'am" she says before taking him to the O.R.

"Owen, can I talk to you later. After I finish surgery" I ask

"Yeah of course, just meet me at my office and page me when you're done with surgery" he says

"Okay, thanks" I say before walking away and going to the O.R. I get scrubbed in for surgery before beginning. There's a lot of brain bleeding, but I manage to get it all under control and then repair the fracture. Even though I haven't felt the same spark I used to when operating, I've definitely been on a streak since I've been back. I haven't lost any patients or had any complications. I think it's because surgery is the only thing in my life I have some kind of control over, so I've been even more focused then before. I finish surgery before I take my patient to recovery then I page Owen to let him know I was out of surgery and about to go to his office. As I'm walking through the hallway I see Jackson standing at the front desk and we make brief eye contact for a couple of seconds before turning away from each other and I continue walking down the hallway.

"Hey" Owen smiles as I walk into his office

"Hey, thanks for meeting with me" I say

"No problem" he says as I take a seat. "What's on your mind" he asks

"Well I actually needed to have a talk with you about my job" I say

"What, is there something wrong? Are you feeling overworked or overwhelmed" he asks

"No, no that's not it. It's not anything with the job in particular it's more so about me. Since I returned to work, things just haven't been the same in regards to surgery. It feels more like a job instead of a passion. I thought I was ready for this, but now that I am back here I realize that I'm not. I need to take some time away from work and Seattle to find myself again and I know that I'm just now returning and it's a lot to ask for more time off, but I can't keep coming into work feeling like this. I need to take some time for myself to find out who I am and what I need in life" I explain

"Liliana, I completely understand where you're coming from. You went through something no one should ever have to go through and you're going to need time to get back to a good place. Not only as your boss, but also as your friend I want to see you at your best, so if you need more time off that is no problem. I'll just have Amelia run the department like before until you feel like you're ready to come back" he says

"Thank you so much for being so understanding. I promise I will try not to be gone long" I say

"You take as much time as you need" he says. Everyone has been so supportive through everything, but Owen's been especially supportive. He's gone out of his way to make sure that I didn't feel rushed to return to work and he's really been a great friend through this whole process. Owen and I continue to sit and discuss the details of my leave before I leave his office. I'm done with surgery for the day, so I do one last check in on all of my patients before going to the locker room to change out of my scrubs. I'm not sure if Jackson has left yet, but since we rode to work separately I don't have to wait to see so I leave once I finish getting dressed. Once I get home I see that Jackson's car is already there. Part of me hopes that he's already asleep because I don't want to argue with him, but the other part of me knows that I need to go ahead and tell him that I've made the decision to leave Seattle for a little while, especially since I'll be leaving in just a couple of days. When I walk into the house I see that Jackson isn't in the living room and the door to the guest room is closed meaning he's in there. I go to our room to put my things up before taking a shower. Once I finish I go to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and I see that Jackson is in there.

"Hey" he says plainly

"Hey, can we talk" I ask

"Lily, I really don't feel like arguing with you tonight" he says

"I don't want to argue either" I sigh

"Then let's not" he says beginning to walk away

"Jackson, I'm leaving" I blurt out making him instantly turn back around

"What" he frowns

"I'm leaving" I sigh

"Is this because of our argument last night? You want to leave over an argument" he frowns

"No, this isn't about an argument. This is about me, us. I need to find out who I am again, if I want to be okay, if I want for us to be okay and I can't do that here, so when Derek goes back to D.C. in a couple of days I'm going with him" I sigh

"No, you're not" he shakes his head

"What" I frown

"You're not leaving. Yes, things are hard right now, because we went through something horrible, but we're married. We figure things out together. We don't run away from our problems or each other" he says walking over to me

"Jackson, I'm not running. It's just, I can't fully get to a good place while I'm here. It's like everyday I wake up and I'm reminded of what things are supposed to be like. I walk past the nursery that our baby's never going to get to sleep in, I go to the hospital and think about our baby dying there, I go to the O.R. and remember I'm only a shell of the surgeon I once was, and then I come home at night and realize that my marriage isn't even what it was because we're not who we were and I can't keep doing this, I just can't. So I need to take some time and figure out who I am and what I want out of life so I can not only be the surgeon I want to be but most importantly so I can be the wife you need and deserve and I can't do that here" I say taking his hand in mine before he pulls away

"I'm your husband. When you go through rough patches in life, you go through them with me. You don't leave" he yells

"I know you're my husband, but there are some things I have to figure out alone" I say

"What about me. You don't think I'm hurting too? That I'm trying to figure things out too? I need my wife, I can't figure things out alone. I need you" he sighs

"But I can't be the me that you need until I work on myself individually first. I can't help you recover if I haven't helped myself yet" I say blinking back tears

"Liliana, I'm telling you as your husband that I need you here and if you leave..." He begins to say

"If I leave what will happen" I frown

"You might not have a husband when you get back" he says before walking away

"Jackson, come back. We're not finished talking here" I yell

"I am" he yells back before walking into the guest room and slamming the door.

"Well that went horribly" I mumble to myself