Chapter 95

Liliana's pov

There's this saying about going through struggles in life. It goes "" But what happens when you want to be the same person again. When you don't like the person that came out of the storm. When you can't accept that you've been forever changed. Well that's when you fight. You fight to be the old you again. You fight to feel how you once felt. You fight for your old life back even if you know in the back of your mind that you're fighting a losing battle.

"You coming into work today" Jackson asks me as I sit in the kitchen on my laptop

"No, Derek's in town for a visit and he's supposed to come over today" I say. After Jackson and I had our disagreement the other day, it made me realize that if no one else is going to see me as the Liliana Garcia I was before everything happened, I have to portray myself as that person to try to convince myself that she's still there. I can't sit at home avoiding people, avoiding my life, so I returned to work. I've only been back for 2 weeks so far, but since my first day returning I've been going pretty much non stop and constantly operating, just trying to get back into the swing of things, but I had today off since Derek's in town and he's coming over to the house.

"Oh that's nice. Tell him I said hey" he says

"I will" I nod

"Well, I'm about to leave. I will see you when I get off" he says

"Okay" I say before he leaves. Then I start back typing on my laptop. Even though I'm not going in to the hospital today I was still working on the surgery schedule and reviewing scans. I'm so lucky I had Amelia around to run everything at the hospital while I was gone, because she kept everything updated and organized for me so I didn't have to return to a disorganized department. I spend most of the morning working until I see that Derek text me to tell me that he's outside so I go to the front door to open it.

"Shepherd, I've missed you" I smile hugging him

"I've missed you too" he smiles hugging me back before walking into the house.

"You want something to drink or eat? And before you answer that remember that I do not cook, so food in this household pretty much means popcorn or granola bars" I say making him laugh

"As tempting as that sounds I'll pass" he says as we sit down in the living room. "The house looks different" he says as he glances around

"Yeah, I've been doing some redecorating, just trying to change the energy around here" I sigh

"Well it looks nice" he says

"Thanks" I smile

"So how have things been going" he asks

"Great" I sigh

"Okay, I'm going to ask you that question again and this time I want you to tell me the truth. How have things been going" he asks

"Fine, really. I mean I'm back at work and I'm not sitting in the house crying all day like I was" I say

"But you're not happy, I can look at you and tell. Something's bothering you. Talk to me" he says

"Yeah, you're right. It's just I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm back to my normal routine. I mean I go to work and I run my department then I come home with my husband just like I used to. But things are still different, you know? When I go to work I don't feel like this unstoppable surgeon with a purpose. It's like I'm just there. And everyone is always checking in on me and asking me if I feel overwhelmed or if I need a break and I know that they're just trying to be helpful but that just makes me feel helpless and like everyone sees me as weak and vulnerable. I mean remember when the residents first got here? They were all terrified of me, but now they just sympathize for me. And besides that I don't even feel like I have a passion for surgery anymore. When I walk into the O.R. it's like I'm just there to occupy my time and feel like I'm not completely useless, but when I operate my heart isn't into it anymore. I don't live for surgery like I used to. And if all of that isn't stressful enough, Jackson and I are so distant right now and I don't know what to do. We don't treat each other like husband and wife anymore. We don't say I love you, we don't communicate, we barely talk and when we do he treats me like I'm going to break and it's like he's constantly walking on eggshells during our conversations to avoid upsetting me and I know he's just trying to be sensitive because of what we've went through, but he's the one person I need to just treat me like me and I just don't know what to do. I need something in my life to go right and be normal again, because every day it's still a struggle for me to get out of bed and keep going, so I need there to be something to keep going for" I sigh in frustration

"Lily, you went through something difficult and traumatic. Your life has changed, you've changed even if you don't want to accept it. You can't expect for your life to go back to how it was before or to even feel the same as you felt before, because that's not going to happen. The only thing you can do now is learn to accept it and let life happen and be open to change. You have to adapt. If you're not feeling passionate about surgery anymore, maybe that's a sign that you aren't ready to be back at the hospital yet. And with Jackson, you two both lost a piece of you. You're both trying to figure out how to be happy again and change comes along with that. Neither one of you are the same as you used to be and that's okay because part of marriage is growing and changing together, the hardest part if you ask me, but you two can handle it. You two always make it through. You just have to communicate with each other even when it's hard" he assures me

"I know" I sigh. "You know I haven't felt like this since my mom died. I mean after any of my friends deaths, of course I was devastated, but I didn't feel like I had lost my purpose, my drive, that was only after I lost her. After she died it really made me question everything because I didn't know who I was or why I was even alive. It took me moving here and completely starting over to escape the hurt from my past and I feel like I'm in the exact same situation now. Just trying to figure out what my purpose is, but the only difference is this time I can't just pick up and leave to figure things out" I say

"Maybe you can" he says

"What" I frown

"Just hear me out. You are trying to find yourself again after going through any parents worst nightmare and obviously being in Seattle is not helping you, so maybe you need to get away for a little while. You could come to D.C. with me and stay for a while and just clear your mind and get to know yourself again" he says

"Derek, I can't just pick up and leave. I'm not this young single girl who only has herself to think about anymore. Now I'm an adult with a husband and a job" I say

"It wouldn't be permanent. It wouldn't even have to be for a super long time, just long enough for you to clear your mind so that you can try to figure out how to get back to a happy place again. I'm sure Jackson would understand and I could finally introduce you to Obama, like I promised" he says

"As great as that sounds I'm going to have to decline" I say

"Okay, well I'm going to be in town for a couple of more days, so if you change your mind the offer will still be open" he says

"Okay, thanks" I nod. Even though Derek's offer sounds great, I can't take it. I mean if this was back when I was single and still building my life I would've jumped at this opportunity, but now I'm married and I have a career, so I can't just pick up and leave even if things are difficult right now. Derek and I continue to sit and talk for hours, until he leaves to go spend some time with the kids. I start back reviewing surgery cases, before ordering a pizza and going to pick it up, then coming back home. I go ahead and eat my food and put the remainder of it in the refrigerator before going to take a shower. By the time I finish Jackson is just getting home.

"Hey" he says as I walk into the living room

"Hey, there's pizza in the refrigerator" I say

"Okay, thanks" he says

"Welcome" I say before walking back to the room. This is how most of me and Jackson's conversations have been lately. We exchange a couple of words and that's it, which is probably for the best since anytime we have a real conversation it almost always ends with one of us being frustrated. We just don't really know how to communicate anymore.

"You okay" Jackson asks when he walks into the room after taking a shower

"Yeah" I sigh. "Well no actually, can we talk" I ask

"Yeah, of course" he says getting in bed beside me. "What's on your mind" he asks

"I have a question and I want you to be honest" I say

"Okay" he nods

"Are you still in love with me" I ask

"Of course I love you, why would you even have to ask that" he frowns

"No, I didnt ask if you love me, I asked if you're still in love me. There's a difference" I say

"Yes, I am still in love with you. What is this about. Is it about the other night" he asks

"No, it isn't just about the other night. It's about every night, every day lately. I feel like we're just coexisting, like we're different people and we don't know how to communicate with one another anymore" I sigh

"I'm just trying to give you space" he sighs

"I don't need space. I need my husband" I say

"You have your husband. I'm right here" he says

"You don't act like my husband anymore. We don't communicate how we used to, it's. Nothing is like it used to be and you were right the other night. We have both changed, even though I don't want to accept it, we have. But this, what our marriage is now, who we are now. Can't be what we've changed into. This can't be all that's left of us. Two people who tip toe around each other, unsure how to communicate. Just existing" I sigh

"Liliana, I'm trying the hardest I can to be the best me I can be, the best husband I can be right now. I'm sorry if that's not enough for you. Nothing seems to be these days" he sighs in frustration

"What is that supposed to mean" I frown

"Nothing, just forget about it" he says

"No, tell me how you really feel. I can handle it" I sigh

"Fine. I feel like since everything happened, it's been all about you. It's always about what you need, what you feel. But you're not the only one who lost a child, you're not the only one who's still struggling Liliana. I am too, so maybe instead of constantly thinking about what I can do different, think about what I need too" he says raising his voice in frustration

"I have thought about you. When we first got home and I wanted to just give up and die, I forced myself to keep going because I didn't want you to have to worry about me while grieving for our child. I didn't want to add to your stress. And I still worry about you everyday because I care. That's why I want to confront our issues. How our marriage is going right now isn't good for either one of us, because we need each other" I say

"I don't know what you expect our marriage to be right now. It's only been a little over two months since everything happened. Everything isn't going to just be rainbows and sunshine" he says

"I don't need rainbows and sunshine, I just need to feel like I'm not stuck in a storm. And you don't get to make me feel like I'm selfish for that" I frown

"I'm not trying to make you feel selfish. If anything all I've done is try to make you feel happy and encouraged. You're the one who's trying to make me feel like the bad guy, for trying to be the best husband I can be right now, which obviously isn't good enough for you" he says

"You know what, I'm done with this conversation. Just forget I brought it up" I sigh

"Gladly" he mumbles. Well that didn't go good at all.