Chapter 91

Today is the day. The day that I'm getting induced and delivering my baby. I always thought that the day that I had my baby would be the happiest day of my life. I never expected that it would also be my saddest.

"What time did you come to bed last night?" Jackson asks as we sit in Nicole's office waiting for her to bring in some paperwork that we have to sign before we start the process.

"I didn't. I was working on the schedule and getting all of the paperwork in order for Amelia to have while I'm out." I sigh. Everyone at the hospital knows what is going on at this point and they've all been as helpful and encouraging as they can be, even though nothing can really make Jackson and I feel better right now. I know I'm going to be out for a little while after today so I'm leaving Amelia in charge for me until I return.

"Lily, no one expects you to be worried about paperwork at a time like this." Jackson says.

"I know, but I needed to be. I needed something to focus on to try to distract myself." I sigh. I felt like I was going crazy. I've felt helpless a number of times. Watching my mom die, being in the O.R. while George died, being stranded in the woods after the plane crash. This was different though. I was carrying this child inside of me that I loved with all of my heart and I had to let him go. To let him die. My motherly instincts were telling me to not go through with the induction today, but I knew that I needed to do this for my baby. There was light tap on the door gaining me and Jackson's attention as Nicole entered the room.

"Hi." She smiles politely before joining us at the table. "So I just need a few signatures before we begin."

"So what exactly happens after this. How do we get started?" I ask as she hands me a pen.

"Well, after we're done here I will take you to your room. I'll give you the medication that starts dilation, then the pitocin, and your body will know what to do from there." She explains.

"Okay." I nod swallowing the lump in my throat.

"So, this is for the birth certificate." She says handing me the first sheet of paper. "Have you two decided on a name?"

"We're still working on that." Jackson says and I nod my head in agreement as I sign the paper.

"Okay. Well you can just sign now and we'll fill in the rest later. Uh, these are the consent forms." She says handing me more forms.

"I think we signed those." Jackson says.

"Not these. Uh, what we're doing today is an induction termination. You're at 24 weeks so technically, we could intervene to keep the baby alive after the delivery and these are just forms to make it official that you don't want extraordinary measures taken." She explains making me tense up. Even though I know this is what I need to do, part of me still feels guilty for not taking extraordinary measures to keep my baby alive, like I'm letting him down even more then my body already has.

"We're doing what's best for him." Jackson reminds me as he grabs my hand.

"I know." I sigh before we sign the paperwork.

"What are those other forms for?" I ask as Dr. Herman pulls out more forms.

"Uh, these are, um for the death certificate." She says.

"Really." Jackson frowns at her.

"Can we not yet?" I shake my head.

"It's better to get all of the paperwork out of the way and then you never have to worry about it again. Do you need a minute?"

"Yes please." Jackson answers knowing how difficult it was for both of us to process everything. Nicole walked out of the room leaving us alone.

"All I wanted was for us to have a family and to be happy. I didn't, I didn't know that this would happen." I shook my head unable to hold back tears.

"I know sweetheart." He says wiping away my tears.

"This isn't fair. None of this is fair. We don't deserve this." I sniffle.

"You're right. I know." He agrees.

"I don't care what she says, I'm not signing this." I say angrily pushing the death certificate off the desk. After taking time to calm down and speaking to Jackson I manage to calm down and Dr. Herman joins us again. I go through with signing the paperwork before she takes Jackson and I to my room.

"Anderson." Jackson says as he takes off my shoes for me while I sit on the hospital bed preparing to get settled into my room.

"That's a last name as a first name. You know that I hate last names as first names." I sigh as we discuss baby names.

"Hey, I have a last name as a first name." He smirks as he stands up.

"This is going to be to big on me. I should've brought something from home." I sigh as I grab the hospital gown off the bed.

"Come on." Jackson says as he helps me take my jacket off. "I still like..." He begins to say before I stop him.

"No, I'm sorry. I know he's your favorite uncle but my child will not be named Norbert." I say making him chuckle. "Norbert's the kid that gets his lunch money stolen. He's the kid that gets punched around on the playground. That's not gonna be our kid." I smile, but I automatically stop when I realize that really isn't going to be our kid because he's never going to get the chance to play on a playground or go to lunch at school. He's never going to get the chance to do anything.

"Alright, ready for..." Nicole says walking into the room, but instantly being able to tell that Jackson and I need a moment. "I'll come back." She says before leaving.

"Okay, I think it's time to change into the gown." Jackson says softly caressing my face.

"No, it's not time. We don't even have a name yet. We can't have our baby without a name picked out, I mean we may only have a couple of minutes with our son and I don't want to spend that time picking out a name." I sigh.

"Sweetheart." He says sitting beside me and beginning to wrap me in his arms until I push him away as I stand up.

"Just, just give me a minute, okay?" I sigh in frustration. "Maybe, we should just wait in case..." I shrug.

"In case of what?" Jackson asks.

"It happens. Some type of miracle. I know you don't believe in them, but they happen Jackson. I mean there are documented medical miracles. What if this is one of those and we're deciding to do this today, when if we just." I sigh. "I don't even know why I'm talking to you about this, because I'm not doing this. I'm not going through with this. I thought I could but I can't, I won't." I shake my head feeling overwhelmed as I slide my shoes back on.

"Liliana, where are you going?" Jackson asks as I walk out of the room "Lily, just wait." He says gently grabbing my arm once he catches up with me in the hallway.

"Let me go." I say pulling away from him.

"Lily, you're right about miracles, okay? They happen sometimes. There are hearts that start beating again, there's cancer that just goes away on its own. I know, I've seen it. It does happen sometimes, but this isn't one of those times." He says taking my hands into his.