Chapter 90

Liliana's pov

"You okay?" Jackson asks helping me stand up from the examination table. Arizona just got through running test on me so that we will be able to tell us what stage of osteogenesis imperfecta the baby has. Now all we can do is wait until tomorrow for the results.

"I'm fine." I sigh as we walk out of the room.

"So I think we need to talk about what we'll decide if it turns out that the baby is type 2." He says as we walk through the hallway.

"He won't be" I shake my head.

"I know that's what you believe. So do I, obviously. But if he is type 2 then it's so terrible." He says

"I know that. I am a doctor." I sigh.

"And fatal, usually. Alright? And before that it is even worse."

"Jackson! I know all of this already and I don't want to talk about." I say raising my voice in irritation.

"But we should talk about it. We need to talk about it." He frowns.

"Why? Why can't we just wait until tomorrow when we have an actual diagnosis?" I ask.

"Because we should have a plan. What do you mean?"

"Okay, well what do you want to do?" I ask looking up at him as we stop in the waiting area

"That's what I'm saying. I think we should decide." He says.

"No, I'm asking you what you want?" I shrug. I was growing frustrated. The situation was stressful enough and Jackson constantly pushing me to talk about it when I wasn't ready was only stressing me out even more.

"I want for us to figure this out together." He sighs.

"No, I think you already know what you would want to do." I scoffed.

"What?" He frowns.

"Yeah, just say it. Say it out loud." I say raising my voice gaining the attention of few people passing by.

"Don't." Jackson sighs.

"Well, what do you want to do. Just say it" I causing him to sigh in frustration.

"If our baby is type 2, I, I think that we should induce labor and go ahead and deliver the baby instead of carrying him until term and using extraordinary measures." He says.

"And I don't care whether our baby has type 2 or type 3. I want to carry him until term and take every measure possible to keep him alive." I say before beginning to walk away.

"Lily" Jackson sighs stopping me.

"I told you I didn't want to talk about this and this is why. I knew we wouldn't agree." I shake my head before walking off.

"Hey, Lily. I thought you were off today." Amelia says as I walk over to the front desk.

"I was, I mean I am. I just had to come in for something." I sighed.  I was trying to act like everything was fine. I had chosen not share the news with everyone else until I got my exam results back. I couldn't handle anyone's sympathetic stares or questions. I just needed to focus all of my energy on hoping that my baby would be okay.

"Oh okay. Well I have an overview of my plan for the tumor if you wanted to take a look over it. I know you wanted me to keep you up to date on all my decisions about this thing." She says.

"No, it's fine. I'm sure you've got this. I don't need to see the overview." I waved her off.

"You sure?" She frowns. I was normally a micromanager, especially with cases like this but all of my energy felt like it was gone. I was drained from worry and exhaustion. I felt like a walking zombie.

"Yeah. I'm not even working today, just pretend I'm not here." I say.

"Are you okay?" She asks.

"Yeah, fine." I nod before walking away.

"Lily." Jackson calls when he sees me in the hallway.

"Please, do not start." I sigh as he catches up with me.

"Liliana, we need to talk about this. I know you don't want to, because I don't want to either, but we have to."

"Fine." I sigh following him into an on-call room and taking a seat on the bed.

"I need you to hear me out. I want to give our baby a chance at life too, but we have to be realistic. The longest documented surviving type 2 case that I could find lived for all of 18 months. In I.C.U. his whole life hooked up to feeding tubes and a ventilator. That's not a life. That's not a life I want for my son." He says

"And you think I do? I don't, that's not what I want for our baby." I shake my head.

"Okay, so then how can you..." He begins to ask.

"Because we don't know what will happen. We don't even know if he's type 2, so we should just stop talking about it." I sigh in frustration.

"That's not going to solve anything. We have to talk about it. We have to be prepared. What if our son is type 2? Any amount of time that he survives, any amount of time that he lives will be..." He begins to say.

"Will be with us, his parents. In our arms knowing that he is loved, that he is wanted, that he is cared for." I say blinking back tears.

"And his bones can break if you touch him. His bones can break if we're changing his diaper." He says.

"Were doctors. If anyone can handle it, we can." I argue.

"I'm not saying we can't handle it. I'm asking if we should?" He sighs.

"What?" I frowned.

"You're right. We are doctors which means maybe we're better equipped to make an educated decision here."

"This is our baby we're talking about, not just some decision. I don't care what medicine or anything else says. I care about what my heart says and my heart is telling me to protect our son no matter what." I argue.

"If our baby is type 2 delivering him early would be protecting him. His life would be short and painful and..." He says pushing me to my breaking point.

"Just stop. I'm done. I can't do this right now. I want to go home." I say before walking out of the room. Jackson follows behind me to the car and we ride home in silence. As soon as we got home I went to the nursery to sit and think. I still can't believe everything that's happening. Not to long ago I was the happiest I've ever been, sitting in this room with Derek after we set up everything and now I'm sitting in this room not even sure if I'm going to get to bring my baby home. If he's ever going to sleep in his crib, if I'm ever going to get to rock him asleep at night, and sing him lullabies. I would do anything I could right now if I could protect my son and change what is happening, but I can't. I just have to sit here not knowing how badly my baby is hurting or what the future holds and as a parent that's the worst feeling in the world. I sat in the nursery for hours just thinking, until I finally got up to go to the kitchen to grab a snack.

"Hey." Jackson says when I walk into the kitchen where he's sitting at the kitchen counter deep in thought himself.

"Hey." I sigh as I grab a granola bar from the pantry before beginning to walk away.

"Liliana." He sighs.

"Yes." I say turning back around to face him.

"Can you please just come sit with me and talk." He sighs.