Chapter 89

After Jackson told me there was something wrong with our baby, I wanted to run, to act like that conversation never took place. Physically I did run, tried to escape those words, but emotionally I couldn't. His words echoed through my brain repeatedly as I failed to distract myself with paperwork and schedules, so I had no choice but to confront this nightmare, to find out for myself if there's for sure something wrong with my son, because I knew I was never going to believe it unless I saw the scans and heard the words from Wilson myself, so I found her and she confirmed everything Jackson said, but even then I wanted to deny it, but I couldn't once I saw the scans. Once I looked at those pictures I had to accept that my baby has osteogenesis imperfecta. I spent the whole night researching and looking at different case studies for all four stages of the disorder. I had heard stories about osteogenesis imperfecta during med school, but it had never crossed my mind that it might be something that my baby would have. Right now, I just wanted to escape my reality, to block out what's going on, so I've been working all morning, since patients started coming in just trying to focus on something besides the fact that my baby is sick and I don't even know how sick he is.

"What do we have" Meredith asks walking into the E.R. room where I was examining a patient.

"Patient is hypotensive, has a low D-Stick reading, and has free fluid in the belly, but there are no neurological deficits so you can take over" I say as I move aside so Meredith can take my place

"You okay" she asks

"Yeah" I lie as I remove my trauma gown

"Are you sure? You sound like something's on your mind" she says

"I'm fine" I sigh before walking out of the room, then going to check on the next patient. This patient is suffering from a brain bleed, so I'm going to have to operate, which I'm more then ready for. I need a surgery to occupy my mind and give me something to focus on. I take my patient to the O.R. and scrub in before beginning the surgery. Of course even though I was operating, my mind was still on my baby, I mean how couldn't it be. As a mother knowing that there's something wrong with your child and there's nothing you can do about it is not something you can escape, but I need to keep operating, so I can feel like I'm doing something, like I'm helping somebody.

"More suction" I say to the scrub nurse as I operate. "Owen" I say glancing over as Owen walks into the O.R.

"Garcia, how we doing in here" he asks

"Well it's a mess, but I'm handling it" I say as I continue to operate

"Lily, I'm tagging you out. I have Amelia, scrubbing in. She's going to take over this surgery for you" he says

"What, why. I've got this" I frown

"Just let Amelia take this one" he says

"No, I'm good. This is my department, my surgery and I am not leaving" I say

"Lily, I'm telling you it's fine. Amelia is going to take over" he says

"Oh, I get it. Jackson came and talked to you. Told you to pull me out of surgery, like I'm not capable of knowing when I should operate or not. Well I can operate. I know what's best for me, not Jackson not anyone else, so just let me operate" I sigh in frustration

"Jackson's downstairs and he's waiting for you" he says

"Well, I'm working here" I say

"Liliana, let Amelia take over" he says

"Is that an order. Are you ordering me out of my own O.R." I ask

"No, I'm asking you" he says

"Well, my answer is no" I say

"Then it is an order" he says, but I ignore him and keep operating. "That is an order, Lily" he repeats.

"Fine" I sigh before letting Amelia take over and storming out of the O.R. to find Jackson. I was beyond livid that he would go to Owen and discuss rather I should be working or not. That is my decision and I don't need his help making it.

"Dr. Avery, a word" I say walking over to Jackson, who's talking to a patient.

"One second" he says to the patient before following me down the hallway away from everyone else.

"Hey, you didn't come home last night. You alright" he asks trying to take my hands into his before I snatch away

"How dare you. How freaking dare you go to Owen and tell him I need to be pulled out of my surgery" I yell

"Liliana, calm down. You're stressed and you're overwhelmed. How about, we just go home, okay" he says

"Have you seen how many patients are in the E.R. today. We can't just go home" I sigh in frustration

"There are plenty of people here that can take care of them. You need to..." he begins to say

"No, you don't tell me what I need, because if you knew what I needed you would know I need to be in an O.R., but you seem to be making all sorts of decisions for me today. Decisions that aren't yours to make" I shout

"I'm trying to help you" he frowns

"Well you're not. You're not helping me at all. You go to Owen and then the two men decide what they think is best for the little lady, like I'm some helpless idiot, when I'm not. I am the Chief of my department, so I shouldn't find myself standing outside of my own freaking O.R. while someone else does my surgery. That is not helping me at all" I yell

"Why don't you tell me what is then" he yells in frustration. "Talk to me instead of running away. Tell me what I can do. Tell me how you feel. Tell me something, anything. Say something. Talk to me. I'm trying to help you, that's all I'm trying to do here" he pleads

"Okay, you want to help" I ask

"Yes" he sighs

"Then just let me do my job and don't meddle. I'm about to go do paperwork, since that's apparently the only thing I'm capable of doing right now unless you have an issue with that too" I roll my eyes before walking away. I go to the office to work on scheduling and review surgery outcomes, so I can feel like I'm not completely useless. As I work, my phone begins to ring, notifying me that Derek is trying to facetime me. With everything going on I had totally forgotten to return any of his text or his facetime this morning.

"Hey" I say as I answer

"Hey, I finally got a hold of you. I was starting to think I was going to have to fly back to Seattle to find you" he says

"I'm sorry, I've just had a long night" I sigh

"What's wrong" he asks

"Nothing, why would you ask that" I ask

"Because I know you and I know when there's something wrong and there's something wrong right now, so tell me" he says

"Derek, honestly I'm fine. I'm just tired and I don't feel good" I lie. Normally Derek's one of the first people I go to when something's wrong, but I'm not ready to tell anyone about this, because once I do it makes the fact that there's something wrong with my baby an even realer reality and I'm not ready for that, plus I know that if told Derek what's going on he would be on the first flight back to Seattle and I don't want that. He's just getting settled into D.C. and doing his dream job, I don't want to make him feel obligated to come back hear.

"You've been overworking yourself, haven't you? You're getting further along in your pregnancy, you need to get some rest and relax more" he says

"I know" I nod

"Okay, well I'm going to call you later, because right now I want you to get some rest and take care of yourself" he says

"I will" I nod

"Okay, I'll check on you later" he says

"Okay, bye" I say before hanging up and letting out a sigh of frustration. I just hate being in this situation, knowing that my baby is sick and I can't protect him. I'm a doctor and right now I can't help my own baby. I don't even know what stage of this disease he has and I'm so scared it's the worst type and that there won't be anything I can do to save him and I don't want to accept that. I don't want to even think about that, but I know it's a chance that, that could be the reality of this situation. I tried to focus back on my work, but I just find myself researching for hours about the different types of the disease and various patient outcomes.

"Lily, I was wondering if you wanted me to do the post op checks on all of the patients. Owen said you might need a little extra help with some things" Amelia says walking into the room

"No, it's fine. I've got it" I say

"You sure" she asks

"Yeah, I've got it. You can go home" I say. I log out of the computer before going to check in on all of the post ops and checking their vitals, then bringing my iPad to the front desk and giving it to the nurse.

"Sweetheart, can we talk" Jackson asks walking over to me at the front desk

"No, I can't. I have work to do" I say

"Lily, please" he says

"Okay" I sigh

"Listen um, you and I, we have a real chance here, you know? We're able to see this thing coming. We are gonna find out exactly what it is and prepare ourselves. I already talked to Arizona, she's gonna sit down with us. We're gonna get some answers" he says

"I already have answers Jackson. I spent all night and most of today looking it up. I pulled case study after case study" I sigh

"Yeah, I did the same thing, but those are other cases" he says

"There are four types of osteogenesis imperfecta, ranging from a manageable disability to completely fatal. Types 2 and 3 are the most severe" I say

"I'm talking about our baby, not some research" he frowns

"So am I. I studied my ultrasounds Best case our kid gets surgery after surgery. Worst case our kid lives only minutes after birth" I sigh

"Mm-hmm" he nods, obviously trying to hide his emotions.

"I don't need answers. What I needed today, was to just do something, to treat things I could treat, to help people I could help" I sigh "I need a moment" I say before walking away from the front desk and walking out of the hospital, standing outside to try to get some fresh air, like that'll some how help me right now.

"Lily" Jackson says following me

"Why? Why do bad things keep happening. You can do everything right and it just...doesn't even matter, bad things still happen. And I want to know why. Why" I ask blinking back my tears

"I don't know. I don't know" Jackson says walking over to me to hug me, but I back away

"I, I don't want you to hold me, because if you do I'll break and I'll start crying and I've been trying not to do that all day. I don't want to cry, because if I start crying, if I break right now I won't be able to pull myself back together, so please don't, don't hug me right now" I say blinking back my tears that threatened to fall

"Okay" he sighs

"Okay" I sigh trying to keep myself composed

"Whatever you need, I'm here" he says.

"Did I tell you that it's a boy. We're having a baby boy" I say as I break down, no longer able to keep it together or hold my tears in. Jackson wraps me in his arms and tries to comfort me, but he can't. How do you comfort someone when they realize that they can't protect their child, that they're helpless and there's nothing they can do.