Finding Myself

Juliet

The mountains in France will always be a balm to my clamoring thoughts, and after Mateo's wife and daughter died, there was nowhere else I wanted to be. Jessy had joined me for a while, but there were no more threats, and it was a waste of his time to babysit me. After many arguments, I ordered him to leave. It was time I was alone, with no one to distract me and Louis far away from prying into my head. I never wanted to be alone, but I thought it might be time I grew up.

After a month on that bed, I couldn't understand how Chris had done it at all! Year after year, sitting, and all he had to do was think and wait, with no way to ever leave his planet. 

I didn't know who was worse off, me or Chris. The world had watched as we took over En-gannim live on TV, and everyone wanted a piece of us, with no thought to our personal issues. The UN had bombarded us with invitations and ideas of how to move forward from there. What they didn't understand was that it meant nothing to me at that moment. I still didn't have what I wanted; my child was on a planet I was not allowed on and would kill me even if we did figure out the coordinates. Brylee had shown herself to be ruthless and, if not more stubborn than Chris's father. She didn't want it to be Michael, and Ira didn't want it to be Chris who branded me next. Us taking over a freaking planet had meant nothing in the end. I couldn't come and go as I pleased. I felt it had been a waste. It had brought me nowhere closer to getting to Caleb, and wishing that year would pass quickly was like Louis would say, a little naïve. It had all built up, and I had run away because I couldn't deal. With any of it. When would I see Chris again?

Our biggest problem would be to figure out the other three coordinates on Zoreah, and it had taken Marcus a year to get two. Even if we all worked together, without Rodrigo, I believed it would take us two more. We had so many other things to do. People we needed to take into consideration and depended on us. If we didn't put all our efforts into getting to Chris. We would get sidetracked. I had blamed Ahasuerus for being busy with his own agenda, not fixing the problems on En-gannim, and there I was, wanting to do precisely the same thing… How many more women were suffering… While I took some time to go get my son.

I stared at the key in my hand, twirling it around through my fingers. Before they left, Rodrigo had given it to Michael. If we used it, it meant I was weak. Just a child. 

Next to me on the bed was a blank sheet of paper with a pen, and every now and again, when I thought of another thing bugging me, I would write it down. I kept going until there was nothing left I could think of, and knowing I had it on paper relieved me of the worry of forgetting something or having it run rampant in my brain. I glanced at the rectangle. It was full.

*** 

When I woke up the following morning, strong arms and calloused hands were holding me tightly. Firm muscles pressed into my back. Our fingers laced and unlaced as the sun rose over the mountains. 

"Did you bring your bike?" 

He chuckled. 

"Did you guys figure it out?" 

Michael was quiet for a moment… "They don't know I'm here." 

I turned around to face him. He quickly looked at me. Before I left, I charged them to at least attempt it… Michael and I had never spoken about our relationship. It was always kinda, just assumed. It was natural and… unavoidable. He didn't share or fight with me… He was the hardest for me to be in a relationship with. His beard was rough under my fingers, and his hair was still wet. He didn't always have a beard, but I liked him with it.

"I actually came… to ask… if you would…."

I almost jumped him but held myself back... Didn't want to scare him with my girly enthusiasm. It was the first time he had asked for anything sexual of me since he came back. 

I wasn't going to do anything with clothes on, and he watched as my shirt dropped to the floor, followed by my sleep shorts and underwear. Eyes caressed my body, and hands followed as I threw my legs over him. Slowly, I pulled his shirt over his head, admiring all the hard work he had put in over the past few months. "No sex…" He whispered, not meeting my eye. If he only knew what I was planning. Been thinking about getting him there… I didn't know how long it would be until we got around to having a wedding… Waiting was stupid, and we'd never even had sex. 

I had on my poker face, "What are you paying?"

There was a low, suppressed laugh in his chest. He was expecting it. My hand ran up and down his shaved torso. Michael took out a piece of paper from his jeans on the floor and handed it to me. 

"I.O.U? That's a bit vague. It needs to be more detailed." That smile on his mouth when we played like that made my thighs tighten around him. It was as if he felt guilty and good at the same time. He dug into the other pocket. "One full body massage, no strings…." 

His eyebrows raised in question. Sensitive grey eyes waited to see if it would be enough. Michael had beautiful eyes. A black ring with big pupils left little space for his irises. "Would it be enough, though? To tempt you?" I smiled as his hands explored my body. I slid off him and settled on my knees in between his legs, pulling on the waistband of his pants. He lifted so I could take them off. My hand pushed down on his torso... It was more than enough. 

"I would have done it for a pack of cigarettes." Our eyes met with meaning until my mouth and hands slowly found him. He touched my body for a while and then gripped my hair. Deep moans escaped his lips. I was going to make him sleep with me. 

"Juliet… I can't anymore."

I pretended to take a break using only my hand, making sure his eyes were closed, waiting for that final push… I quickly straddled him, and before he could say anything, I had him in me, slowly sliding down. It was over. Michael lifted his head in surprise, eyes taking in the scene. His hand reached out and closed around my breast. When it all sunk in, he dropped down in defeat; my undulating hips convinced him to let it go. He came up to meet my first urgent thrust, crossed his legs under me, and pushed our bodies together. Our mouths collided, his arms enveloped me, touching me from my ass over my snake-like back. He didn't care anymore. He was too far gone.

My legs wrapped around him, and his hold tightened as his need increased, our bodies moving as one. I closed my eyes and focused on the new sensations and the feel of him. How we were together, solidifying what we meant to each other. Michael throbbed inside me, his husky voice mumbling incoherently. We stayed like that for a moment in each other's arms. I untangled myself, and he plopped down on the bed… His elbow covered his face and eyes. I chuckled. "I have to say that was way easier than I thought… So much for waiting to be married. You could've pushed me off." He was still not taking his arm off his face… "It's just sex, Michael." 

"F- it is Juliet." He pulled me down on him, and I lay nestled close to his chest. "Juliet… Where are the chains and the ring?"

"I took them off."

"What's going on? Not like you to answer like that." 

I rolled onto my back, sighing deeply. The weight of the world was on my shoulders. Literally, I was the queen of a freaking planet. I had never thought Ahasuerus would concede… tap, and bailout. Handing it to me! I didn't understand it. He was so bent against it. Not that Ahasuerus had anything to do with me deciding to take off… Louis… from my person. 

"Honey…" Michael's voice softly broke through my thoughts. I had heard him the first time. But I wasn't there. My eyes traveled to his. He didn't deserve me absent… I sat up and turned towards him, crossed my legs, willing myself to focus on him. I was nervous, wringing my hands. Michael's eyes flickered from my hands to my face… frown lines played on his brow.

"I'm sorry about leaving with Louis after we were talking… It feels a bit redundant saying it now… It's been so long." He gently stroked my hair. 

"I… We haven't talked since that night… We haven't talked much for the last… year." 

After a month of doing nothing but stress… I was so tired… I rubbed my eyes, frustrated that I didn't know what to say…

"Will you brand me, Michael…?" 

Even the words felt wrong and blurting it out like that. I didn't know how to talk to him. The astonishment was written on his features. He propped himself up on one arm and pulled my lips onto his with desperation. After he rested his forehead on mine, nodding a yes. "I will… I thought you bailed out in asking me… Because you weren't sure, Juliet… I was so quiet that day because I didn't know what would happen. If you didn't ask." 

I laughed, falling back on the bed…. "So, that's what's wrong… That wasn't what I was thinking in the street that day… There is no doubt in my heart, honey!" He stared at me, mouth opening and closing. I didn't know how I was so sure. I just knew. "I want to do it here… With you sleeping right there. Not somewhere else where I can't take care of you." Tears welled up in my eyes. "Michael, I've been here because I didn't know how to ask you to put yourself through that." My voice was strained… "After all you've been through… For me… To make another decision that affects you… Us all! To such a degree. It's too much… All that responsibility."

Michael reached out and cupped my cheek, I turned and kissed his palm. "You're not alone… When we do it, we will be together… But we would have to wait. And we only have till next year." 

I nodded, glad that we had met somewhere in the middle and our relationship was at least moving in the right direction. 

"Juliet!" Marcus's voice came from the front door. 

Our heads snapped around. I glanced at Michael in concern, wiping at the tears in my eyes… "That I did not think through. I just wanted to talk to you. Get off." 

"F-!" We said at the same time.

Michael covered himself from head to toe with the sheet. 

One of the reasons I had been hiding away was walking through the house. "Marcus. We're up here." He stopped for a second and moved slowly up the stairs. My gut was twisting. Marcus came into view, and my eyes met his. His fingers opened and closed, and I didn't want to hurt him again. But Michael wasn't an option. I didn't want to hurt anyone… It seemed it was all I did. Marcus's eyes were darting over the floor. I grabbed my panties and pulled them on, then my shirt and dragged it over my head. 

"Hey, Marcus," Michael said from below the sheet. 

"Hi."

"I need to talk to you," I said as I dragged Marcus out of the room. I pulled on my pants at the bottom of the stairs, jumping into my boots at the front door. We went down the stairs. Across the yard. Past the swimming pools. Into the trail that led up the mountain. I only stopped at my tree. I let go of him and sat against it. Almost crying. Marcus came forward and sat next to me. I climbed between his legs, resting my head back against his chest. 

"I'm not angry, Julie…." He whispered in my ear. "I know Michael is different. He's not like Soren, is he?" I shook my head. "Was it your first time?" I nodded. His chin rested on my shoulder. 

"I don't want to hurt you, Marcus!"

"I know… I'm just controlling. Used to be in charge. I think if it's not so unexpected, it might help. It's time, Julie. If we can't make the decision. I'm sorry to say, but you'll have to." 

I nodded. "I know… I will have to set up the schedule, but it's hard. I want what I want when I want it… Having to force our relationship into a box… I don't like it… But let's begin with you….What do you want?"

"I want to have a baby." 

I frowned, turned around, and threw my legs over his. "Is that what is bothering you… Well, that's not a problem… give me your phone."

I dialed Louis's number. "Hi, baby."

"Hi. How is France? You okay by yourself." 

"Michael is here. And we slept together. Marcus showed up after, and we are sitting under a tree, and you're on speaker."

"Hi, Louis."

"Hi, Marcus."

"Is it schedule time… Thank heavens. I was getting a little edgy."

I never thought Louis would keep pushing. He seemed to even out again when we were alone on the yacht. But he wanted the schedule as much as Marcus. It was very unromantic. But I had to indulge them. At least try. They might not like what happened as a result. "What do you want in the immediate future? Big picture…" I asked Louis with hesitation. 

He was quiet… "I want Marcus to go back to En-gannim… I want Michael to take over Bertram's position…. I want me and you to work on the coordinates to get to Caleb… It means you can't get pregnant now, baby… We only have a year..." He was quiet. 

"But… what we want can't be important right now… And I know it's hard, but…. They wanted to give you En-gannim so that you're busy with other stuff. Because splitting us up is what they wanted, keeping you away from Chris is what they wanted."

He was quiet again… " I think all Michael wants is to stay by your side... So, sending him off… It might not be the best for him at this stage … So I agree with Marcus… You will have to decide… But the best would be… If we all work together and forget for a few more months… We could get there. I know you think it will take two years… But I think we can do it before they return to Shumaan."

We heard the footsteps and the voice coming up the trail. Louis was there. I sighed. He came over and pulled me up. "Why are you so tired? I thought you were resting."

"I don't know?" I croaked out.

"You're not getting depressed on me, are you?" 

He pulled me into his arms. I should have cried a long time ago, but it seemed that it would be that moment. I wanted to say that I can't do it. I wanted to say to leave Caleb and Chris there, and when all the dust was settled, they would contact us. I would eventually see them… Did it matter how old Caleb was… If all they were waiting for was my twenty-second birthday… They could have just said or asked… It will be Michael anyway. Louis pressed me into him. I knew Chris was waiting, and the price seemed a little high at that moment… The stress was too much. The morning light dimmed. The day became night. 

***

Louis 

"S- I think you might be pregnant already. You might just get your wish, Marcus." 

"She's not pregnant… look at her arm! She is still on birth control, remember." 

I swore as the skin grew over her shoulders and covered Caleb's tattoo. "She's not going to be happy about that." I carried her back to the house. It was as if she was seventeen again, and it had not been the most brutal three years of my life. 

Michael was sitting on the couch having a cigarette. When he saw me with her, he got up. "What's wrong?"

He immediately noticed the growth of the skin. "This is all my fault… I thought she was past this."

"It wasn't your fault. It's mine." Marcus said. "I shouldn't have come… I have more issues than you. Believe me…." Marcus wanted to run away. 

"No Marcus! Come take her from me… It's you she wants when stuff like this happens. No one else. You will take care of her." 

"Come, Michael! We need to start working. We can't sit around waiting for her anymore." I put Juliet in Marcus's arms. I could have stayed… I felt like Chris… She always blamed us for passing her on… "Where is that key? She hung it on one of the chains." 

My gaze flickered from her neck to her fingers. I stared at the empty space for a while. It would be the first time she slept with someone and not had it on. I stopped to try and think if she had it on in the shower… after Marcus… She did… My eyes cast to the floor. Michael had immediately noticed that I saw and had left for the front door. Rankled, I glanced over my shoulder at him. Not even with Chris was it a problem. But Michael?

"What is it, Louis?" Marcus asked.

"Your freaking clueless." I sneered and pushed past him. 

I walked to our dressing room and closed the door behind me… They were there. In a neat pile on her dressing table…. The ring was resting on top of the chains… I sat down, staring at it… I had left her alone after Marcus came back. Until she forced me to go to the yacht… After that, we trained so much… that I left her alone again. Had she finally given up on me? She had said… Only that one time. My head snapped at the door. As if she would be standing there. That she would tell me she was only cleaning it… But she wasn't. She had too much on her plate, and I would have smelled the cleaning solution. I picked up the jewelry, making sure not to get it all tangled up. I walked towards the door. Marcus was still there, waiting for me. His eyes widened, and his gaze traveled to her neck.

"Meet up with Michael and me when she's fine…." He pulled his mouth. "We are going back to where it all started." 

"Rodrigo's house?" 

"That is our home for the next year. There is a reason he left her the key. We will come to get you. Call me. Find out about the emblems from Liam and your mom."

***

Marcus

Louis seemed lost. He walked towards the garage and came back out with a hammer tightly fisted. His eyes were cast down, and he headed up the stairs. I heard him hammering. After that, he went crazy... The sheets and pillows were flying down the stairs. He was cursing and yelling in French. It would have been romantic if it wasn't so heartbreaking. The last thing to hit was the hammer into the glass. Louis was nearing the end of his rant…It would not shatter… It was bulletproof. Juliet tugged at my shirt. She wanted me to get her out of there. "What did you do, Julie?" I whispered, heading to her room. I put her down on the bed. 

I had never had to deal with so many emotions… It was all the time… Never ending. From every side and from multiple people… Everyone was different. All I wanted to do was cry… What the hell was wrong with me? 

She was in my arms, and if they left right away… I wouldn't have taken her upstairs, either. I would have washed the sheets first. If anyone knew how it felt… It was the rest of us.

I wanted to get up. Juliet grabbed me and pulled me down, throwing her leg over me and snuggling onto my chest. "If you could have chosen, would you have wanted an eagle?"

She and Louis just went through something monumental, and that's what she wanted to know… I thought about it for a moment. "I would have wanted a book." 

She nodded and started crying. If someone chooses you… what could you do but stand up and be a man? Don't get lost in the hurt and evil… "I won't go back to that, Julie… I love you too much. He will be okay." She fisted my shirt. And we cried together.

***

When she was asleep. I ventured upstairs, picking up sheets as I climbed. 

The hammer was lodged into the glass. I walked across the floor. It had been a small nail. It was hammered into one of the window frames. His chains and ring hung there. They did bother me… I won't lie. She was on the bottom more than I would like because I didn't like the sound they made... Knowing that she took it off for Michael felt… awful. I took out my phone and called the contractor. "He what?" I said. I pushed the little red button. Louis had already called. They would be there as soon as possible.