Chapter 5

I wake up a few hours later. I check the time, realizing that school is in thirty minutes and my eyes probably look like they got double-deep-fried. I ran upstairs and pulled off my pajamas, replacing them with fresh new clothes (meaning whatever was in front of my closet) and I ran back downstairs, slinging on my backpack which was on the top of the stairs. I see my mom making breakfast. I don't think she knows that I don't eat breakfast before school anymore. I swiftly jump to the counter and turn to my mom.

"What's for lunch?" I practically exhale the words.

"Sandwich. It's right there." She points to the other side of the counter while cutting tomatoes. I see a box-like shape wrapped in tin-foil. Guess she wasn't making breakfast for me- but who would? Now that that happened. I sigh and lift myself using the counter until the edge of it becomes wedged in my stomach to snatch the food and shove it in my bag.

"And, by the way, where were you last night?" She asked, finally looking up at me. I was half expecting her to ask if I had sneaked out last night, but I told her the (partial) truth.

"Oh, I fell asleep in the basement while recording." I say, yanking my water bottle out of the side of my bag and strolling towards the refrigerator.

"Mkayyy," She says, a little suspicious maybe. However, I could just be hearing things. If you did something wrong, even your parents saying a word makes you tighten your muscles. I slip all my homework from the counter to my bag.

"And stop leaving your stuff on the counter! I'll throw it away next time." She says. I never believe her when she says that type of stuff because she has a history of never doing it. It's honestly annoying. Sometimes I wish she would actually do the things she preaches about because it could help me. However, the more she threatens things, the less I care. Almost like the boy who cried wolf. But, then again, I may just have to motivate myself. I rushed out of the house. Now that I think about it, there's a lot of conflicting sides in my brain. I had only thought there were two major sides, but there are trillions of debates that my head can't settle for the life of me. Like- to the point where I'm bad at having opinions. It's odd.

I practically crawl out to my bus stop, still quite enraged from the previous day. The whole day seems like a blur. Just a red splash of paint, deleting my memory of the entire day from that part onwards. The anger seeds into my bones and veins, punctures a hole in my organs and blows them up with ferocity. I still don't know how I could be in this situation. This perfectly executed plan of terror. I could almost see my blood pumping at the extreme speed that I felt. My brain was like a warzone with meteor showers with raining blood and a million people, all on a heap of another billion bodies.

My brain was on repeat every twenty minutes. In the warzone analogy, it was like seeing hundreds of people dying in the most gruesome ways I couldn't even explain and you never get prone to the violence.

I really wanted to die. I truly wanted to die. I've been holding it out for as long as I could, but I really wanted to get home just to stare at- that drawer. Not touch anything. Just stare at it, fidgeting with my hands in front of my body. The only reason I didn't- was because of Cara. As much as I hated to think it, it was. That whole week was maybe my worst. At the time, at least.

I can't believe what happened. I can't believe it! That I'm dating two people! And even worse; I took it as some joke for the first-like -week! HOW AM I ONLY NOW REALIZING THIS!

I leave home on Friday, still somehow in a fit of rage spanning five whole days. It's odd too because I usually stop my anger in only two hours at most and after further consideration, I realized it was because I wasn't telling anyone. I still don't plan to. That'd just hurt more people. In the past week, I've been trying to perform my absolute best in all subjects in hopes that I don't get anything bad and I can at least feel secure in that aspect, but alas, I could have only done so much with all the thoughts orbiting my head before crashing through it, breaking through my head and repeating the process. It'd be hard too; sometimes even getting to the point where I have to fight tears in class. It's harder than it looks. Sometimes I want someone to just say "Hi, are you okay?" or something. For them to see through my mask and give me comfort would be like what I have been dreaming about for a month now- to go home.

That lowly Friday was a break. I had already thought of every single situation ever. I really thought that it couldn't get worse. Well, I was right- for a while.

I became overrun with weakness. That Friday, I just bursted. Let myself just sob for two whole hours on end. It was honestly soothing. I had been talking to Cara that week. I didn't talk to Akako. I couldn't bring myself to say hi when she did. However, every single message I typed to Cara and every message she typed to me, I studied them like an archeologist would for a tablet carved in hieroglyphics. Every thirty minutes after she inevitably says "gtg" or "bye," I go over the entire conversation, bit by bit in my head, to ensure that I can enjoy the feeling of talking to her for as long as I can and check if I did anything to make her annoyed at the slightest. If I did, I would drown myself in even more hate than before. It got to a point where I would open my phone and immediately check messages to see if she said a single word and, if she didn't, I made sure to respond. To be fair, it didn't deescalate. I managed to text Cara at least one word every few hours that I wasn't in school for. I know I'm desperate, but that never became important enough to hold a candle against whatever my heart was screaming. At this point, I started to give up trying to claim that I still like Akako because it was an uphill battle. Genuinely, I still want to believe that I like Akako, but I'm definitely uncertain and I'm even pretty sure I'm wrong, flat out. However, even though I know I'm wrong, I do like to believe I'm still as in love as I was a few years ago.

I begin to think; think about the old days. I remember Cara back then. And Akako. Both were so different from now. Cara didn't retain the same energy. She felt a lot more distant, mentally at least. I still acknowledged her but only with a brother and sister type of way. In fact, I even acknowledged a form of romance with her once. That was for just a few days, though. It was a bit funny because I never had really thought about liking anyone else at the time; except Akako and Cara, that is. Now, look where I am. It's almost like foreshadowing. In fact, I have always thought foreshadowing was interesting. I have always been a music kid over a writing kid but that was the one part that could have sold writing for me. I just can't stand having to be faithful to a story for- like- two years. In the back of my brain, I yell, "Then you definitely can't be faithful to anything for more than three," I hate myself sometimes. Like a lot. I roll over on the basement floor. I shuffle towards all my music equipment. I start to play, but it's almost like a switch was flicked off. I no longer feel my heartbeat sync with the beat that I play. It's no longer an escape; not even close. It was almost like opening a door only to see another room. I sat on my seat and I ended up doing twenty minutes of drumming and such before dropping back onto the floor. I start to think, I haven't even been listening to songs anymore. Nothing even related to music since Monday. I've tried, but there's no good songs anymore. Even those new ones I just started listening to. They're not clicking anymore.

The weekend goes by halfway; decently mundane. Not so amazing, yet by no means boring. I played more of that new game, but I only decided to because Liem told me to get on the game. The only decently fun thing I did was, annoyingly, talking to Cara. Or texting her at least. It was a very small time frame; maybe fifteen minutes, but I talked to her and we had a lovely and really comedic chat. I feel that- maybe- I'm getting used to her. At least I think so. It's just that we seem like old friends which you could barely categorize us as. In reality, we're more like new friends who have known each other for a while now. "Or lovers", that ugly part of my brain snarks. Now that I think of it, it was really set up for us. What I have decided not to mention until now is that, in the aforementioned play I talked about to Cara on that "date," we were lovers. In fact, I flirted with her for-like- a third of the time I was on that hard wooden floor! We were also very important characters; potentially the two main characters but it was hard to tell. Again, foreshadowing to what has now come. The big reveal of the movie. I really started to miss those times for many reasons, however, I had to admit that the biggest one was that I was able to talk to Cara any time I liked. I wish I had just enjoyed that time. 

I remember vividly; I was on the stage for our second and last performance. After the argument with Cara's character, I walked towards backstage as the curtains shriveled and closed. With the shadow overlaying my view, I sigh and I remember the next part clear as day. I thought to myself, How much I would'a given for twenty minutes more as this character. A smile creaks over my face, flashing back to the present day. I also remember the feeling mid-way through the show where my body lost its power. I came to the realization that my time was up. My time being the host of this cocky, overconfident, annoying, charming and hilarious brat of a character was up. I felt that orange comfort run clean off my heart. I had never thought about it until now. 

The rest of the weekend was boring. I spent most of it sitting in the basement, collecting my feelings, or texting Cara. Then, I start to think about my parents and more so my dad. He's going to kill me if he finds out! Break me apart; limb by limb. He's going to say "I told you! You should never- yada- yada- yada!" And mom will be so disappointed with me! That she probably had several arguments with dad just so I could date Akako. They're going to stop trusting me- with anything!

As the school week starts, I reluctantly storm towards the bus stop every day. I adamantly wait for school to start, though. That's because it hurts to think; I have to constantly distract myself in order to not think about Cara and Akako. However, nothing much changes. I still forget and end up thinking about them in probably every and any situation known to man. Every so often, I will get a break from the torment after suffering my brain running through five hours of every bad situation that could ever happen with Cara, Akako and I. Sometimes it gets really bad, though. I will occasionally have one of the worst days of my life because of the situation I am in. And one of those days was yesterday. That day, right before lunch, in social studies class I was having the most painful time since- maybe ever. The guilt rolled around over my back into my neck continuously. It wasn't like a massage, though. It felt more like something bumping around and slamming my spine and neck bone. When the class (where I barely did anything but sit) was over, I walked into the lunchroom and hunched over into my seat, waiting for Liem to come over. When he finally sits down, I grab a mouthful of air in hopes that I wouldn't speak out about my situation. I was really itching to do it; to open my mouth and let the words flow. I conjured up a sentence and squeaked it out as quickly as I could, hoping that I wouldn't say a single other word.

"Dude, are you good?" He asks, not really caring. I don't want to mess him up too; confuse him as well. And what if he hates me after it? Think of how mean I was to cheat on someone! I mean, even though he's my friend he's no stranger to judging me.

As I continue to think, I begin to open my mouth and before I could close it, words jump out.

"Dude, can I tell you something?" I say. I don't wait for him to answer for me to continue almost throwing up words.

"I'm cheating on Akako." I say, instantly regretting it. I close my eyes and, after a few seconds, open them again. He's in complete disbelief and disgust.

"Dude! HOW?" He yells.

"I don't know. It sorta just happened." I say, sweating visibly.

"With who?" He belts. I gulp.

"Cara," I say.

"Keep going! I wanna know!" He says.

"So, Cara asked me out on the first day of school in homeroom and she kinda maybe scared me and I couldn't say no. Then, we went to some ice cream parlor out of town and I chit-chatted with her. We had a great talk, but then I mustered up the courage to tell her that I was taken and I left." I said. It was only now that I realized that I wasn't cheating on Akako anymore. I kind of just don't want Akako anymore. However, that doesn't make it much worse in my eyes.

"So, you aren't dating Cara, are you? It's done! Just tell Akako and move on!" He said, like it was that simple. I stared at him

"YOU'RE STILL DATING HER?! YOU JERK!" He screamed, not loud enough for anyone else to hear.

"No, but- I kinda don't want Akako anymore." I say solemnly. I almost get sad at the realization that I am actually not cheating. Of course, I am so relieved, but there's a part of me that thinks that now that I am not doing anything wrong, no one will care about me anymore. No one will care about my dilemma. People'll think I'm just overreacting and go waltzing away.

"Dude. I don't really know how to react. The first day of school? It's been weeks since then!" He yells at me, definitely not having any of it.

"You're nuts; you've lost it! This is outrageous! Just dump Akako then and move on!" He says. I nod, slightly.

"...but dude, you are on your own." He says as he stands up and walks away. I start to tear up. Not loudly, but I did. I felt alone for the first time in my life. I thought I was helpless before, look at me now! I'm gone. There's nothing anyone can take away from me now except my life. That's all I have to offer and it's barely anything in itself. I can't believe it. I GAMBLED OFF MY BEST FRIEND FOR SOME STUFF LIKE THIS! Over some drama! Over some, even worse, girl drama!

That lunch was maybe the most painful twenty minutes of my life. All I was doing was panting and crying. I almost missed the times when I felt like my mind was a battlefield because at least there's something there. Something to feel; something to see. For those twenty minutes, my body was an empty canvas. All I could feel was pain; a splatter of emotions so bad that I couldn't even comprehend it because I lost everything. All of it. What next, my parents? My sister? The only thing you can take now is, directly or indirectly, my life.

It didn't help that I had no friends other than Liem. For the last few weeks, he was the only person I even talked to in school. It's like my only life line was cut straight through. I couldn't help but feel hollow the rest of the day. I really didn't want to do it. I really didn't but- I had to tell someone. Just like at lunch which had messed me up, I have to tell someone. It's the equivalent of being a second-time listener, whatever they tell you in second grade. I hadn't learned the first time so I did it again.