Murderer

My hands were shivering. My whole arms were shaking. 

The surge of power I felt was subsiding, the fire in my heart growing cold. 

What have I done?

I stood over Haein's lifeless body. Her vacant eyes looked at the ceiling but not seeing anything, her mouth open gasping for air but only in form, and red marks on her neck in the perfect shape of my hands. 

I have just strangled her to death. 

It didn't have to be this way. I'm sure there must have been other solutions. 

But in the heat of the moment and in a fit of rage, I killed the bane of my life.

I tried to save her. So many times. 

So many fucking times. 

Every time I failed. Every time I watched her die a horrible death. 

And when I did nothing, she still died. Taking her own life - the very life I died so many times to preserve despite knowing how meaningless my efforts were. 

I drowned myself for her. I hung myself for her. I slit my own wrists for her. 

Yet - nothing changed.

I grew desperate. Desperate like I have never been in my life. If I ever had such a desperation before, and the will to succeed, I might have actually managed to become something before all this started. 

She didn't have to say that. 

I told myself. 

She didn't have to do that. 

I told myself. 

It was all her fault. 

I lied to myself. 

I came back to my senses realizing that I had to leave the scene as soon as possible. 

It didn't matter at all if I got caught by the police and put in a cell. Nothing had any consequences in this 'life' I lived. I wished countless people death before and I watched countless people die before. But this was the first time I ended someone's life. With my own will. With my own hands. 

I, a murderer - a destroyer of something beautiful, ran.

Because that was all I was ever good for. 

It was a cold-blooded murder but I realized I wasn't cool enough to keep my heart cold in the act of killing. If I had to be fully honest, there was a peculiar co-existence of fear and excitement as I squeezed the life out of the innocent victim. 

After leaving the ladies' room where Haein's body lay cold, I quickly left the Yongsan Shopping Mall. Half expecting to see the Hell Beast appear. After all, our paths crossed again.

And I wasn't let down. 

When I rushed through the crowd and entered the plaza outside the mall, the Hell Beast was already there. But it stood still while people ran away from it screaming. The only sign of 'life' in it was its glowing eyes. 

I yelled at it. 

"Kill me now! Tear my body apart! Stomp on me! Eat me! You fucking beast!"

The creature from hell did not respond. Still standing still. 

I shouted all the obscenities known to men. The abuses I hurled at it felt like they were reflecting off its eyes, stabbing my heart.

Then I realized I wasn't really angry at it. The anger and disgust were directed at me for what I had done. 

Just as I realized this, the Hell Beast knelt.

It knelt in front of me and bent forward to bring its head closer to mine. 

It got so close I could feel its hot breath against my whole body. It felt burning hot, but the burn from this hell's fire brought comfort to my heart. I felt calm. 

The beast crouched and brought its face closer to mine. Only a few meters away now. It placed its hands on each side of me, and it smiled. 

I saw the reflection of myself in its eyes. I felt observed and absorbed at the same time. 

The Hell Beast then slowly got up to its feet again, completely ignoring everybody else who either fled or were rooted on the spot in petrifying fear. 

Once it stood up completely, still smiling, it turned around and walked away. 

As it walked, everything in its path was destroyed. It walked over people, stepping on them as if they were insignificant bugs that were not even worth its slightest attention. It walked right through the buildings demolishing them with its irresistible physique. 

My eyes were fixed on it as long as I could see it. It walked in a precisely straight line without wavering. There was nothing that could hinder this demonic force of nature. 

When the beast went so far that I could no longer see it, I suddenly found myself standing by the shore. I recognized instantly that it was Haeundae Beach in Busan, the southern end of Korea. I looked around and found dead bodies of people everywhere. Behind me lay the ruins of civilization. Everything was crumbled down to the ground. 

I was alone. 

All alone in this world. 

Not knowing what else to do, I walked forward. 

I entered the sea. The cold water felt good around my ankles. 

I walked in further. The water was now up to my knees, but there were no waves coming ashore. The sea was perfectly still, and I only had one thing in my mind. 

I wanted to get as far away as I could from all this. I wanted to reach the deepest depth of the sea where no human civilization ever existed. There I would find solace. I knew it for certain. 

The water was now touching my chin. Still perfectly still. I did not stop. The water entered my nose. I could not breathe but that didn't bring me any panic. I could keep myself perfectly calm and continue my descent into water. I did not float, and neither was I swayed. 

Soon enough, my whole body was submerged. I was completely underwater, but my feet still touched the sea bed. I kept on going. I knew this was the path I should walk on. The water did not weigh me down. I felt no pressure on my body - only the calmness and peace. I closed my eyes for a second, and when I opened them again I saw the sunbeams. I was back in my room. I checked the time.

It was 12:04 PM. October 1st, 2024.