Twenty nine

Turning to a pouty Mason, " Now," I take a deep breath to get my own temper under control," I have a simple question for you. Do you want to be with me or not?" He looks up at me surprised by the forwardness of the question. I've never asked him, we always danced around the idea of us. It has been murky as hell, but it was always me who pushed and pulled. He fumbled, bumbled, always uncertain, with his half-assed answers, maybes, and a whole lot of I don't know.

Our relationship has been, less than riveting, or your typical love story. Something I could have easily done with.

He opens his mouth to answer but clamps down on whatever he has to say, thinking better of it. In the ensuing silence, I find myself on the verge of having a mental breakdown. Slowly, but surely my anger begins to simmer, slowly reaching the point of rage.

" Mason," Graham breaks the silence, in a chiding tone. I don't know if it is his pride or ego that keeps Mason from going over that obstacle that he has put between us. Whatever it is, he needs to decide fast because my fuse is getting shorter and shorter by the second.

With a sagging, despondent expression, he concedes," Yes, but it is best that we don't, " He stands up, and tucks his hands in his pockets. The anguish slowly slips away being replaced by the same stoic, staunch, and might I add extremely annoying expression that he loves to wear day in and day out.

" Why not?" I already know the answer to that question but I want to hear if he has changed tune over the years.

" It is in your best interest, and mine if we keep at a safe distance," He says flatly, looking in my direction but I think he is looking through me. I don't think he is seeing me.

" Care to elaborate," My tone is mockingly jaunty because I'm fed up, and tired. So fucking tired.

" I believe I do owe you an explanation after all," Oh, God. Finally, he is taking mercy on me. I can't wait to hear this.

Rolling his shoulder, he takes a deep breath," You still have to finish school," He swallows thickly, and looks around the room as if preparing to escape certain torture," When you disappeared, I searched for you," His tone drops almost to a whisper, a sadness that I didn't think he was capable of feeling takes over his features, one that I buried a long time ago for the sake of my survival.

" We even went to Helej Norun. Monites are not very trusting. Once you enter the colony they will protect you as if you were one of their own. We asked, but the only answer we received was silence. Even after I offered them a hefty wad of money, they still didn't divulge whether they knew anyone by the description I gave them. The only picture I had of you was destroyed. After that, I resigned myself and buried you. After eight long anguished months of relentlessly dragging Graham and Shay, through all seventeen Districts and any other place we could think of looking. It was all pointless. A waste of fucking time, while you sat comfortably, and lived your life as if I never existed. I thought, I was a cold-hearted bastard but you," He smiles coldly, " You, are the Ice Queen. When I found you in the market, I finally understood. You may love me, but not enough to spare me living in agony, while I slowly faded away. I told you, that part of me that loved you, the part of me that would have given his soul just to see you smile, died when I put you in the ground," He pauses, but the tears that stain my cheeks have not. It is painful to hear what he has gone through and most importantly what I have lost.

" You can kick and scream all you want about me and Ava. You're right, I don't love her, I don't even want to be with her, but I most certainly can rely on her to be there when I need her. Something, I know you will not be capable of offering me. Why would I give you another chance to trample me, and crush my heart? It is counterintuitive, don't you think? I already know what you have to offer, and I don't want to live wondering when I wake up, will you be there? You've made your choices, and I have made mine," He takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes as if relieved that he has gotten that off his chest. And I feel my heart breaking all over again. Through silent tears, I take in a shaking breath to gather my thoughts. One mistake that's all it took for him to just forget, and bury everything that we had.

"I will see you tonight for training. I'll let go of my anger and grudge towards you for Enid's sake. You can come and visit. I'll deal with Ava. But you and I, whatever we are, are far from being what we once were. In a moment of weakness, I gave in and kissed you but don't mistake that for more than it is. Unfortunately, I still find you irresistible. Unfortunately, I still can't keep my head on straight when you are around. Unfortunately, my foolish heart refuses to let you go, but I will not allow you to trample it like you did before," This is him in a nutshell. I've hurt his pride more than anything.

" For fuck sake. Why couldn't you just fuck your way through grief just like any other man? You've done it before," That just came out through stifled sobs and hot tears. I don't think I'm going to be able to fix this.

He chuckles, " I did," There is a hint of pride in his voice, and my soul withers and turns to dust.

" Her father approached me after the council vetoed him on the project I submitted. Turns out he owns part of the land in the Quarter. The reason he hasn't invested any money to rehabilitate it is because he wants them off his land. Marrying Ava, was the price I had to pay to achieve the dream of a lifetime, and along with it save countless lives. In case you haven't figured it out, I don't give a fuck any more about what happens to me. I buried all my hopes and dreams of a happy life along with you. Because I know, I'll will never have that with anyone, but you," Stubborn bastard.

" I hope my answer satisfies you, and hopefully will help you sleep better at night. Live your life, Lily. Just like you wanted in the first place. With no me in it. Because I'll do the same," There is a certain apathy slowly settling in my bones at the conviction in his tone. The way he went through the whole speech with unnerving calm, while I cried like a foolish inconsolable child. It broke me in a way, I can't quite explain and perhaps that was his intention all along. Retribution for the pain I've put him through for a year. Living with guilt battering your soul for an entire year must've been a special kind of hell.