12. Ren Struggles With Feelings

After Cú vanished, Ren stared at where he'd been for a moment, and then let out a shaky breath. She stepped back until she bumped into the niche seat and sank into it, leaning back and closing her eyes. Cú's scent lingered, but she tried to disregard it as she worked on re-centering herself.

Her arms and legs still ached from the workout Merlin had put her through. Possibly they'd hurt worse tomorrow. If Cú could bring back meat, that would be good. Protein was an important part of a healthy diet. Her hands especially hurt, although she hadn't noticed when she'd been running them all over Cú's skin.

No, thinking about Cú was no good. Every time she did, she felt unsettled: humiliated, yearning, miserable. She had to think about something else. Merlin? But remembering his floral scent left her unsettled in a different way, even less palatable. If she meant to help the people here, she had to do more than just feel and react.

Artoria. Tora and Ritsu. They'd need a plan to defeat Artoria, preferably in such a way that they could capture the host and find out why she'd turned against the little sister who clearly still loved her. She furrowed her brow, her eyes still closed. Merlin had said she'd need somebody else, that Cú alone wouldn't be enough to defeat Artoria. Maybe with her last Command Seal and without Ritsu's Luck Projection… and surely Merlin was more handy in a fight than he'd implied? Once upon a time, he'd been essential to the victory for… someone.

She realized his floral scent was more than a figment of her memory and opened her eyes. He leaned in the archway of the kitchen, watching her. He smiled as she met his gaze, a smile that broadened as she sat bolt upright.

"I take it you… finished with Cú?"

Ren gave him an unfriendly look. "I did my best. He didn't get much of a recharge. If the hair-brushing thing really is supposed to work, I think I'm doing it wrong. Aren't you supposed to be teaching Ritsu?"

Merlin's eyes widened fractionally in a flicker of surprise before narrowing again. "Ah yes. I've left her practicing some exercises."

After waiting impatiently a moment for him to go on, Ren said, "Well? Was the hair brushing method just a joke?"

"Mmm? Oh! No, no. Ritsu demonstrated it to me just by stroking her familiar's fur. It's definitely less effective than the traditional Magical Paths. On the other hand, it seems to be an unbroken Mystery of this world-line that magical energy can be transferred purely through affectionate contact."

A shiver ran down Ren's spine and she pulled her knees up to her chest. "Why don't I have Magical Paths? Aren't they supposed to come with this?" She waved her hand, with its marred Command Seal pattern.

"I haven't figured out all the irregularities in this system yet," said Merlin lightly, and Ren cynically noted how much of a non-answer that was. But before she could call him on it, he tilted his head. "Do you feel that?"

A curl of panic wound through Ren's stomach. Did she feel what? Was she really going to be so useless here, too? She wasn't. She couldn't be. She tried to fight down the dread, but it only strengthened, until a bleak terror almost blotted out her vision.

"You do, I see," said Merlin, studying her face. "Shall we go see what it is?"

She tried to answer, tried to simply process what he said, but it took so much of her mind to keep suppressed the filth that wanted to rise and consume her.

Then Merlin was bending over her, his fingers lightly under her elbow, his smile gentle. "Come on. I think you've defeated this before, but I bet it was exhausting. May I help?"

Miserably, Ren nodded. Merlin took her other hand in his and pulled her to her feet. Just standing up helped her feel better, and she realized that the pounding negative feeling came from outside her mind this time. She took a step forward, and another, and realized further that moving helped. The force, whatever it was, flowed and pooled, accumulating weight as it did.

"Yes," Ren said. "Yes, what is that? An attack?" She remembered something Ritsu had told her before Artoria had attacked.

_I heard the castles are built around the portals to stabilize them. I don't know how it works or even if it's true, though._ She'd sighed. _So much of what I read doesn't work._

"No, the portal," she said, and tried to pull away from Merlin to race toward that chamber. He maintained a surprisingly firm grip on her hand, but ran with her rather than holding her back.

The negative aura didn't exactly grow stronger as she approached the summoning room, but she could still tell that she was moving closer to the source. She stopped near the entrance as running footsteps announced Ritsu's arrival. The younger girl collided with Merlin and then latched onto his mantle to peer around him at Ren.

"I felt this before… when I did the summoning that brought you. That I thought brought you." Ritsu scowled, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "Is something coming through?"

"Could that happen, if the surrounding castle is damaged enough?" Ren asked.

"Absolutely!" said Merlin cheerfully. He tugged on Ritsu's ponytail. "I imagine it's held off spitting out monsters this long due to Miss Ritsu's luck. In fact, if you go in there, Ritsu, I bet it'll stabilize again."

Ren immediately realized that one of the drawbacks of Merlin holding her hand was that when she whapped him with her other hand, she ended up distractingly close to him. He caught her wrist with his free hand anyhow, and smiled down at her.

Yanking on her hands, Ren said, "That's not a long-term solution. It may not be a solution at all. Luck isn't exactly predictable."

"True." Merlin kissed the back of Ren's whapping hand and then released her with a smile. She stumbled backward, into the portal room. She caught herself awkwardly, pivoting so no matter what she couldn't fall against the portal itself.

The blue lines of light that had traced the walls of the chamber had been damaged. Some had vanished entirely, while others flickered like bad neon. The portal itself swirled with the shades of night, occasionally giving a bubbling gloop.

"How is it?" called Merlin. "I'm afraid the foxette is very insistent Ritsu not join you, so I'll stay out here to protect her."

"Aren't you supposed to be the best mage in the universe?" demanded Ren, watching the portal carefully.

"Well, yes," said Merlin reasonably. "But I do prefer to work behind the scenes and thus I eagerly await your observations."

Ren paced back and forth to prevent the negative aura from accumulating within her. She had no idea why that helped, but it obviously did, allowing her to focus on the portal. After a moment or so, she said, "Nothing visible is emerging. I'm wondering…" She stopped and glanced over her shoulder.

Merlin watched her as he crouched beside Ritsu with his mantle over her shoulders. The foxette stood between them and the portal room, his golden tail bushed out with every hair on end. Ritsu's eyes were half-closed, as if she was half-asleep.

"You could just take her away from here," Ren told him.

"And abandon my adorable but insanely rash Master? No, I don't think so. What are you wondering?"

Ren looked back at the portal again. "Nothing's coming through. Maybe if something did, the negative energy would abate for a while? Perhaps until it recharged?" It wasn't all she wondered, but she wasn't ready to share her other idea, her idea about recharging Cú, with somebody so willing to laugh at her. At least, not until she'd had more time to study the process.

"I did say we'd need another Servant to defeat Artoria," said Merlin smugly.

Instead of responding, Ren spent a few moments thinking carefully. When Merlin said, a note of concern in his voice, "Serendipity?" she only waved a hand at him quellingly.

Finally, after lining up her concerns and rearranging them into a plan, she turned back to Merlin. "You're selling yourself short, Merlin. We don't need another servant to defeat Artoria. But we do need one to protect Ritsu." She stepped over the foxette and held out her uncut hand. "Sword, please."

Merlin rose to his feet with an absent half-smile. "You saw the aftermath of Lancer and I against Artoria."

"Sure," Ren said, waving her upturned palm meaningfully. "Which is why next time it'll be Lancer, Caster and me. But it can't happen here, obviously." She glanced down at the entranced Ritsu as Merlin pulled his sword from the staff. "And we can't let her come with us."

"I suppose it will depend on who answers your call." Merlin took her hand in his, running his thumb over her palm. The sensation was a brief flash of pleasure against the negative aura pouring out of the portal. She shivered, pushing away the dark thoughts, and waited for the nick. But instead, Merlin continued to stare at her hand, his thumb moving back and forth.

"What are you doing?" Ren finally asked.

Merlin startled, his hand squeezing hers for an instant. When he glanced up at her, his lavender eyes were shadowed. But he smiled. "Just considering how to fortify your blood. Last time clearly took more than you expected."

When Ren frowned at what seemed like an obvious lie, he released her hand to brush her mouth with his thumb. "You're always making that face at me. One of these times I'm going to do something about it."

Ren turned her face away, staring stonily at the wall, and he chuckled as he took her hand again. "That's more like it." The blade in his other hand flashed as he moved it, and then he released her. "There you go. I'll offset the cost as much as I can."

Moving to the darkened portal, Ren focused on what she needed in a Servant this time. Somebody who could protect Ritsu, somebody useful, somebody who wouldn't damage her growing connection to Cú, or clash with Merlin.

Somebody easy to maintain. Somebody easy to care for without getting confused about her own goals. Was there even such a servant? It seemed like a tall order. How could somebody like herself even hope?

She dripped her blood into the portal, once again feeling the drain on her deeper self, along with the pooling negative aura. The deep blue light thickened around her. As the final drop of blood splashed into the portal, it didn't flash so much as clump together into a shimmering dark form.

Dizzily, Ren frowned. This Servant seemed... small. Smaller than her.

The Servant stepped forward and said, in an uncertain voice, "Mommy?"