The Suicide Letter

My suicide letter was not a one-paged letter that told my wishes, dreams and desires, and not about how I wanted to be loved. I never knew if I was going to die or not at the end of the letter, but someone came who added his own speech to it, and never let me write what I feel. My suicide letter started like this:

"When you are dead some most likely people say they wanted to understand you, spend more time with you, and know what your problem was. they would say that you never seemed depressed as if you told them your situation and they were going to solve it. Someone is just as **** as when they say "It will make your heart burden lighter. I hate this saying.

I felt like this is the right time to start this letter so I can read all this when I die and let this world have a little shame.

I heard my name in conversations where I should not be in, and comparing me to a devil that does not know it is, these conversations were by my own family, knowing damn well how much I hate it, telling me how dumb I am and how I am bad at everything except teasing. All these years teasing my dreams, wishes, and desires to hell they expect me to act like a prince. I would rather die than fight them about it because no one will be willing to listen. listen to elders even if they are wrong. I would like to bomb the person who said it.

keeping me in a prison, and telling me it's a palace that's what my family does. It's not like they do not love me, they do but their own made points in culture and traditions had me fallen."

I was depressed in my very own house, where I felt like I was prisoned. In my suicide letter, I wrote about what kind of weather I would like to die on because I didn't get to choose how happy I can live.

"I can see sharp things around me in no time, if I haven't lived a nice life, at least I can die in a nice one. Like on a rainy day where you can hear thunder after every thirty seconds, where rain hurts like bullets, and there's no one out there who could see me or save me from dying. I don't know how but of course, I am going to die on a day like this"

The weather was windy, and I knew its time to find a beautiful place where I can die, and wait for the rain to hit like bullets. I realized the university is under construction next to our university. It was all set and was way too high and had so many floors, It's been in construction for so many years but for some reason, construction had been stopped, It just needs signals and electricity after that it will be good for students to join it until it's opened. I saw there were no workers around just dusted machines outside it and the entry was taped.

I jumped in and entered the reception there were no chairs, I was surprised that there was a lift because my university had stairs, I tapped the lift button but it didn't work, I realized that there was no electricity and I have to use the stairs. It was a whole 5-minute walk on the stairs when I finally reached the gate that had access to the rooftop. I pushed the gate two to three times and it opened making a noise. I stepped forward and stared at the half-wall that blocked the university's view to the ground.

I heard a jump from behind me and saw a man the same age as me having a name tag on his left chest that said "Sanaullah".

"How may I help you?" said the man.

It was so awkward that a man has a duty on the rooftop and the whole university is empty, what would he think I am doing here, I suck at making excuses.

"Um- I came here to check on the weather, nice isn't it?" I replied.

"Of course it is! I like this light cold wind and grey clouds" he replied with a smile.

"um-right," I said and smiled back.

I wondered why didn't he ask me what I am doing here. when all of a sudden he asked me my name.

"what's your name?".

"Hussain" I replied.

"Nice, I am Sanaullah you can call me Sanan" said the man.

I have seen no one except a security guard who is the first person who talked to me politely, even after seeing me at a place where I should not be in.

He pulled out cigarettes from his pocket.

"want one?" asked Sanan.

"I don't smoke, I'll go home" I replied and went back downstairs.

It was the first time I mentioned him in my letter.

"I was so happy to check out the place where I was going to die, but I met a security guard named Sanaullah call him Sanan, who came my way. no matter what the place is decided where I am dying. He talked to me like I was his friend, how would I know what a friend is? after being deceived by so many close people"

Today I decided to go a little early like 3 in the morning to see how the sunrise looks from the place where I will die. I don't know what I was thinking but I got snacks with me as if I will be waiting for death there to come and take my soul.

I planned to skip university but I had to submit a test, my university is all closed except reception, so I decided to go there first and submit it there then I will go to the side university. I sat on my cycle and went to the university in about half an hour I reached, for a normal person it would take 1 and a half hours but I am really fast at running and cycling, so I reached there at the time I predicted.

I went to the university it was dark, I submitted my work to the female staff there and told her to give it to the lab as soon as it opens. getting out of the university I heard some drinking-smoking boys calling me, they lived by the hostel that's one block away from uni.

"Oh, Hussain! rehoming alone?" "Lone wolf" "Look at that ugly face, let us treat you better," they all said and came towards me.

They pushed me to the side wall and teared up my sleeves they had big cigars in their hands and they kept touching me with them on my arms, I didn't scream, they pulled me by my hair and pushed my head back and forth towards the wall, they got a safety pin by which they pierced my ear lobes and closed the safety pin and that was damn painful. they all kicked me one by one and ran back laughing.

I quietly went to the other university, and walking up the stairs I was in tears, It was hard to see in the dark and my arms were burning, my tears had my view in a blur, I winked hard and felt heavy tears coming down, "I hope they are my last tears" I said to myself.

I wiped my eyes hard and went up to the gate, I kicked the door, and it opened. As I entered I saw the security guard again, to keep it less awkward my words slipped out of my mouth and I said "I knew you would be here, I got us snacks"

"Hussain! Let me show you a view here" said Sanan.

I don't know what he was up to, it was so dark that I could barely see his shadowed slim figure, I followed him and he took me to a tank that had a ladder, we climbed it up, and I could just see street lights I don't know what he finds beautiful here, there were ashes of cigarettes everywhere like he lived up here. we sat close to each other and he asked me,

"you said you don't smoke? I can smell it" Sanan laughed.

I felt heartache and I thought what should I reply to him,

"I don't" I laughed.

"Why didn't you fight back?" asked Sanan.

I glanced at him in his eyes and wondered if he saw me with those boys. I looked at my university and I could see the place where I was bullied a few minutes ago. He's not a hero that would save me but he's the first to ask me after actually watching.

"You know life is shorter than you think, and some know how short is their going to be" I replied with a sign.

"unless you are the one deciding to die, it's giving up," said Sanan and opened the snacks I bought.

"Sometimes you are too tired to sleep, so you need a permanent sleep" I replied.

"damn-bro you are creeping me out!, talk about good" replied Sanan.

"It's not creeping, It's reality, by the way, how long have you been working here?" I asked.

"um it's been a few months, my dad owns this he went abroad for some business, and I work here because the roof has the only thing that can be destroyed and stolen, you know the water tanks and tubes, I also have to join uni but my dad lets me work here" Sanan laughed.

"I see" I replied and we could see the little light in the sky.

It was beautiful, This building was way too tall, It would be fun falling from here. I was thinking about where to jump when Sanan removed his shirt.

I choked "You-yo?" I glanced at him with my eyes wide open.

"Familiar, isn't it?" laughed Sanan.

His body was covered with the circles of cigarettes his skin burned from his chest all way down to the belly as if they tied him up and used him as an ashtray, his arms had so many cuts, he tried to die. but why? how can he laugh?

"These cuts weren't a suicide attempt, they were testing if their knife was sharp or not, some humans are tested by god and by some humans too, How would an animal bear this? would an animal have a mind to think that they can end this suffering by killing themselves?" said Sanan.

I was shocked and wondered what was happening,

"Did those same boys do it to you?" I asked.

"nope- my family did, that's not what's important, can I see yours?" asked Sanan.

I was rethinking and processing what was happening when I turned my elbow to him, the sleeve was already torn.

he folded them up and observed them.

"they can heal, but this was painful" he replied.

I had so many questions to ask him but I held back until he said "It's not like what you think, I want to be in the army and this made me strong, you can say it's on purpose".

I was relieved that he wasn't tortured, how can someone do this to themselves? I was thinking...

"How can someone try to kill themselves," said Sanan.

I was about to tell him that I planned to take an off but I realized I should go, but I felt like staying here. "You are right! I'll go then" I waved at him. He threw a coat at me for me to hide the sleeves, I smiled and then left.

at university, it was a different feeling, not like I turned back from dying but to save, staying all the time up there he can jump off any time, but he doesn't what is he waiting for?

I continued on my suicide letter:

"to eat my snacks and enjoy alone the view of my death was my plan, but my snacks were eaten by someone else, who had burn marks like me, but he's happy, for what? the weather is going to be raining in the next few days, and I have to die like this, but I don't want someone to die with me, or see me dying.

Is he waiting to be loved? did he got deceived by friends like mine? but that's ok, they don't need to be friends for life, some friendships are just a phase he should get over it"

I was wondering where the hell he lives or if he does 24/7 duty here. He's so good-looking it seemed like no one would like to hurt him, but I know I was wrong here. I want to be useful to him.

I decided to go on the rooftop at late night like 12. I didn't keep snacks this time but my suicide letter in my pocket, we never exchanged contacts or followed each other on social media, yet we were knowing each other for some reason. I had yarned cap on, with my black hoodie and loosened black trousers, it was way too comfortable, I kept the suicide letter in my pants pockets, and went there.

When I reached there, from the ground I couldn't see him sitting on tanks, I was looking up like some kid watching fireworks, I entered the university when I noticed the tape was off the gates, and the ACs were working. I was relieved that I can use the lift instead wasting half hour climbing stairs. It took a whole 1 and half minutes to reach but it stopped at the floor lower to the roof. I used the stairs and kicked the door, It didn't open, I yelled "Sananullah!?" and waited to see if he is there. I heard the door opening chimes of keys from behind me,

"Welcome, I wasn't expecting you here at this time," said Sanan. He moved forward and unlocked the door. It seemed like he had just woken up.

"You turned on the ACs downstairs?" I asked.

"yeah it's cold but to keep the temperature normal, the university will be ready in 2 months," he replied.

We went there he had a mini light stand that was long, it had light enough to see each other's faces.

"How do you feel?" asked Sanan. "Better I guess" I replied.

"No I meant overall" he disagreed. I replied "What about you?" and laughed awkwardly.

"I feel like jumping from here" he replied. He didn't laugh like he usually does after spelling some horrible sentences. I was tense.

"Is everything going well? I have got your back" I replied without looking at him.

"You know the world is a place, where everything goes how you choose, and there are times you get two options and both don't suit you, so you have to make an option for yourself, that's the third option, you never really sensed how living feels like, right?

but only some people know the difference between living and existing" said Sanan with a deep voice.

"And is that what destroyed you in the end, the wait for something you could never have?" I replied.

He glared at me in my eyes, A beautiful son, a beautiful brother, and a beautiful friend, It was my first time seeing someone with a face beautiful like their heart.

"get us some drinks" he replied as his eyes shurnk smiling.

I smiled back at him and went to my university's cafeteria. I forgot my student card at home so they won't let me enter it, I went to a local shop a few streets away from the university and realized I didn't ask him what he wanted to drink, I didn't even have his phone number. I got us two colas and jellies that are dipped in sour powder, I love them but I don't know if Sanan does as well. It was 15 riyals total I pulled my wallet from my trousers and paid the shopkeeper while he was calculating the change I kept my hands in my pockets, I realized something was missing, My suicide letter! my heart and brain were tense "Where is it? where did it go? Did I leave it at home, or dropped it near the tank, I am pretty sure that I had it in my pockets. I returned to the roof paled.

Sanan was standing smoking, as I came and threw his cigarette, I threw sour jellies to him "Try this".

"I Love them! they are my companion in my hard times" said Sanan. We both laughed hilariously. I thought it would be weird if I climb up alone on the tank to check if I dropped the letter up somewhere.

"Here save your number in my phone" said Sanan and passed me his phone. I saved my number with the name "Hussain Marwat" and said "Done".

"When is your birthday?" asked Sanan. "Ah, it was 2 weeks ago, what about yours?"

"I see, so let's celebrate your birthday today after maghrib, after all, mine's at the end of the year". said Sanan.

"um-you sure?" I asked. "very well damn sure! I will arrange everything just tell me an excuse I would tell to your family in your absence" said Sanan.

"Well I have lied to them that there was a free room in my hostel, so I organized it and I can be out anytime they would think that I am there" I laughed.

"well-done now you have to just buy me some cigarettes when you are on your way here," said Sanan.

"Ugh-Okay so you don't go home do you?" I asked.

"No, I have a room here, I would stay here till university opens, come let me show you," said Sanan.

I was shocked to see that his room was like a lab the shelf was filled with empty cigarette boxes and there was a Sheesha in the corner, there was a hard mattress next to it, and a cheetah-printed blanket, I saw there were a lot of black jackets.

"Oh sorry I forgot the jacket at home I borrowed from you" I apologized.

"you can keep it, by the way, I got a collection of Sheesha flavours you can have a look at them and tell me I would arrange it" asked Sanan.

"I-"

"I know you don't **** like them but still tell me a flavour, I have an apple, mint, apple-mint, watermelon, oud, berry, blueberry, lemon....well we will go with apple-mint because I would love to see you dizzy" Sanan interrupted.

"Why did you ask me if you had to choose it yourself" I argued. He laughed. I couldn't ignore his eyes shrinking every time he speaks and laughed, I bet he has more than two girlfriends, and he's going to have even more after he joins the university. lucky.

It was almost three so I asked him "Let's go praying together".

"Sure," he said and locked the door. It was our first time going together somewhere it wasn't a park, market, cafe, or shop. It was a mosque, I would say that it would be a rare friend who would go with you somewhere like this.

It was still time for Azaan (The call of prayer), so we sat on a bench and waited for Imam (the one who is responsible for the mosque).

"you are a fun guy, no wonder why you don't have any friends," said Sanan and we both chuckled. we were quiet when I said to myself in my heart "You are forgetting why you are here" and I replied to myself "But I am feeling more alive than before".

The Imam came and smirked at us. "what the ****?" Sanan whispered in my ear and I laughed so bad.

We did wudu (purified ourselves) and entered the mosque. The Imam was sitting there. "We should go sit next to him, that would be respectful," I said to Sanan. "Who cares? duh" said Sanan but came with me. We sat next to him "He smells like he just had oud-flavoured Sheesha" Sanan whispered again. "Shut up" I whispered and laughed.

"You are the first people that joined me for fajr (prayer) since the mosque had been made" said the Imam.

"Oh we would pray at home but we were out so that's why we came" Sanan replied to Imam.

I got second thoughts that why Sanan doesn't come to the mosque for Fajr (prayer) since it's the nearest mosque to University. well after Namaz (practical prayer) we left the mosque and waved to each other.

"Damn I was about to forget my cycle by your university" I said. I also wanted to check if the letter was there or not so I made an excuse "I'll drop you into the room, I also think I left my wallet near the tank" I said.

"Well, no need, I don't want you to do weird purchases for your celebration today, so you will get it after your celebration you can go home, and no need to go to university today to save energy for the evening," said Sanan.

"I don't think we should do this weird celebration," I said Awkwardly.

"Shut up Bye" waved to Sanan and went to the university.

I cycled and went home, I heard my parents fighting bad. At this time? They would fight but not this swear, I peeked from the door and I go a nice slap, I can't say that I didn't know it was coming. "GO TO YOUR ROOM" my father shouted just after slapping me and expected me to hear him after I was hearing a loud whistle I had from his slap. I went to my room and I saw my sister was awake, "What are you doing?" I asked. "Worrying unlike you" she cried.

I also do worry about my family but do they deserve it? I went to my bedroom and lay when I got a notification.

text from: SANAULLAH KHAN

"We are celebrating your birthday today! Save energy!" 4:55 a.m.

I didn't reply to him nor did I see his text. I had a peaceful sleep when in the middle of 10 a.m I woke up and realized I had to write my Suicide letter but I realized it was missing. I checked my whole bedroom and it wasn't there I could bet it was at Sanan's place.

Now that I am awake What do I do? Sanan told me to buy some cigarettes, but I don't have a wallet. My shopkeeper trusts me and knows I live nearby so I am just gonna buy a nice pack for him.

I went to the store and told him to show me cigarettes because he also had a collection like Sanan, He was shocked and said to me "Back then you always bought jellies and ****, are you good?".

"Yeah, it's a gift" I replied. He showed me his collection and it had Oud, strawberries, coffee, and normal ones. I wondered "What the **** is wrong with this oud? It's everywhere I thought it was only a scent". I don't know why but I felt like strawberry matches him, he's sweet like it, pinkish like it, and loves cigars. I got strawberry ones for him and I was really into how coffee ones would taste so I would give it to Sanan after trying. "Strawberry and Coffee please," I said to the shopkeeper. I was thinking of an excuse and I didn't know if I could get it or not, he packed them "100 riyals" said the shopkeeper, I just went so deep is it even worth 100? Damn "Um-uH uncle I forgot my wallet at my hostel, so please don't mind I will pay you after I am back," I said with a dried throat.

"I don't mind" he laughed. I left the shop awkwardly. The weather was so windy, It was like it was about to rain. "Just this day," I said to myself, I got a call from someone for the first time, I knew it.

"Wassup" I answered the call.

"yo-everything good?" asked Sanan. "Indeed" I replied.

"Alright then bring a bed sheet with you that's of no use, It would rain I have arranged a tent, so we will need a sheet," said Sanan and declined the call before I could answer. I went home and got one of my bedsheets from a shopper.

There are seven hours still I am bored. I decided to study a little and then take a nap. My nap went long and I was late now, I didn't even get to pray. I had more than 10 missed calls from him I got scared more than when I see my Dad's name. I hurried there I was excited I rushed on my cycle.

When I reached there I saw Sanan standing on tanks, he saw me and started throwing stones at me, We were laughing. It was so cold even though I was wearing a jacket Sanan gave me, My body was freezing. I used the stairs to run because the lift is late. As soon as I kicked the door and I was expecting a beautiful Happy Birthday song for me by Sanan I got cussed so bad instead, He beat me I felt like I was getting bullied but his laughing like a child cheered me up.

Talking about what he arranged was so professional. He had set up all the barbeque things, A bonfire, All under an umbrella that was huge on the side. He had arranged Sheesha.

"At least I could bring a mixture of chicken and mutton" I giggled. "No need" he replied.

"It's so beautiful," I said.

A birthday with no cake and no gifts just a memorable arrangement that I would never forget. We did barbeque first and ate it it was so spicy that Sanan's eye got stingy because no matter how beautiful he is, he always does something silly. We had sheesha then, and I coughed so hard because It was my first time inhaling it we were eating sour jellies with it when Sanan came up with a silly idea about cooking jellies like marshmallows above the barbeque fire, It almost blew off because of how cold it was, I still managed to fire it but it was too low, I saw Sanan holding my wallet "Maybe, money could burn it," I was like what the hell is saying "Oh there are papers" said Sanan and tossed them to fire and it lit.

That was my suicide letter oh my god. Did he know it? Did he read? I was right it was here. I never kept it in my wallet and he took it from my wallet. I hope he didn't read by how happy he is.

"It's on!" said Sanan. we tasted jellies and it turned out they were made of plastic. "Our love of life betrayed us" Sanan laughed.

"It was also a fake-like world," I said and we both laughed. It started raining and it was heavy rain. My heart felt heavier and said not in front of him. Sanan gazed at me and looked away once I saw him.

"Help me just remove tents and place Sheesha in my room we can't sit on tanks it's raining it's been 4 hours," said Sanan.

"Sure" I replied. He looked very tired, so I helped him clean we kept snacks and a barbeque grill on the roof, it was cold and raining so we couldn't light a bonfire. We went into his room and lay I was tired and double mine was Sanan, he slept as soon as he lay, He's quite fast sleeping. I gave him another blanket to make it two because I also do it and still feel hella cold. I left his room and went to the roof.

"It's raining I got a chance, I should at least say thank you to him for all he did no one would do for". It is raining like bullets the way I wanted to die, but it would hurt Sanan, Am I his only friend? at least after saying goodbye and thankyou. tomorrow I am dying for sure. I was wet and didn't run from the stairs but used the lift instead because it was slow and I could spend a few more seconds in his place. I even cycled slowly and reached home in 2 hours. I was feeling so happy, sad, bad and tired at the same time that I could not express myself. Like you won something that you didn't deserve, but you worked for it and were so tired, you were happy to see others happy because of you. I was laying on my bed and thinking all this when I felt like I was going to sleep forever, "I hope this is my natural death".

I woke up between 3 P.M. I slept 14 hours without even waking up which means Sanan is still sleeping because he was more tired. I pulled out my phone from my pockets along with something else and it didn't turn on. The battery's dead? I plugged in the charger, and I realized these were cigarettes I had to give to Sanan but I forgot. Should I go now? no, let the phone charge. I saw the weather and it was raining a lot. It's my day. I smelled so bad because I had deep wet clothes on for a whole day. I bathed and cleaned the jacket he gave me. My eye bags were big and noticeable I wondered how Sanan's would look because he already has shrunky eyes. I was ready to visit Sanan's place by 6 P.M, but my phone didn't charge. why? Oh, it's the rainwater that's got into it! How can I be so dumb? I left home and it was raining hard and on my way gave my phone for repair.

When I reached there the university was all lit from outside, there was a crowd near the university and an ambulance and police car as well, I couldn't see what accident happened. I went into the university and by lift slowly, I was so excited to see his reaction to the new flavours I got. I checked his room he wasn't there, So he's awake? I went on the roof and kicked the door I almost fell over because the door was already open, Sanan isn't here? what's this box? I climbed up tanks, not here too? I saw down to the university where the crowded people were,

I saw a slim man laying on the ground with a blood river going where the road was unbalanced. THIS IS NOT HIM! I was running to the door when my foot hit the box, There just came a thick piece of paper, I picked it up and read what was written.

"My Best Friend Hussain!

Believe it or not but I started writing my letter similar to yours when the people in my high school started bullying me, It's kind of lame haha but you know what bullying actually does. It makes you feel worthless and weak and convinces you that death is the only option, but my friend Hussain you, you proved me wrong and I hope I seriously hope that I did the same for you. that no matter what no matter how dark it is there is always a light, a ray of hope.

you were that light for me but it was too late as I've already been consumed by the void since long ago and Hussain I don't really want to be your light I want you to find more and more so that your wholeee world lits up and keep in mind I am sorry for you, I was in so much pain and I had my own reasons, You helped me a lot but you wanted to die on a rainy day just like this.

hussain my dear friend I am going to die soon but as I am going I want to take all of your pain with me. of course, it's not possible and not really easy for you but I want you to try your best for your own sake.

you were so tired from life that I have to tell you, you are more than what you take yourself off. most broken people just need to be loved and I hope I healed you even if it's a little bit. I enjoyed a lot with you but I had my reasons to fly away, as the world has torn your wings, do not try to fly.

as the sun went away this evening I am going to leave with it. I am glad I met you, but I really wish it was a little sooner.

I hope you aren't disappointed my friend, I want you to live on and fight and more than anything I wish you happiness because that's the only thing you deserve.

I just have one last request, my friend even tho the time we spent was short but I want you to remember me. please don't forget me. haha, now that I think about it this is my only fear.

goodbye Hussain

My only best friend."

I couldn't believe it, I don't want to believe it but I had to. He has taught me a lot. I could see the ashes of coils in the barbeque grill and the jellies packets unopened, I lay in the rain on the ground and was scared to leave until I stopped hearing the ambulance sirens.

I got the keys from his room and kept them with me I locked the gate that had access to the roof, and I ran down. I wanted to see him.

I went to the hospital and saw him his lips were whitened, and his eyes were always as shurunky, I tried waking him up hoping he would wake but he didn't move. I saw the same Imam we met praying fajr together, it was only us two and his father who buried him.

.

.

.

and I completed my writing, not a suicide letter, but a book where I had written what I and Sanan went through, a part of died when he died but as he said I buried it with him and I often visit them.

You may be dead Sanan, but you will be always remembered in my memories, and in the memories of those who needed Hussains or Sanans. You will always be remembered.