Another Word For Heart

I suddenly felt the urge to go to the bathroom. I don't even think I had to go but there was this sound. I couldn't really tell but I knew I had heard it before. Sounded like rain at first but it was heavier than that, thicker, you could say. Sort of like I was sleeping next to a waterfall. My eyes felt like an Egyptian tomb that was sealed to keep the underworld from leaking into this one.

I tried to take a deeper breath but it's like my lungs were barely holding on to the edge of a cliff. It was hard but I had to know. It was soothing and yet strangely irritating. I had to know what that damn sound was. My struggle to gain consciousness resembled those rare instances I tried to wake up but couldn't. Almost like you're in between sleep and this strange static void that's holding you in place.

With great effort I broke through, managing to open my eyes. The sound intensified. Sustaining some discomfort, I directed my gaze towards the source of my cumbrance.

Slurping. Some clueless looking guy was slurping what appeared to be tea in a disposable cup right next to me. I could tell from the steam that it was still quite hot so what perplexed me is how he held it so firmly in his hands.

For some reason, he was already facing me by the time I looked at him. Pretty close too. Looking around, I realized the beds in this hospital were barely apart from each other. My heart ached. It wasn't for the sheer lack of privacy though, but for my loved ones. I wondered if they had made it. I contemplated getting up but I knew I wouldn't make it anywhere far.

Before I could call for a nurse, the tea slurping gentleman blurted out, 'Did you know you snore in your sleep?' His tone was so condescending that if my face didn't hurt in a million ways, I wouldn't be able to hide my hostility.

'I, I was unconscious if you hadn't noticed,' I slowly replied.

'What's the difference, huh?' he added.

Grinding my teeth, I closed my eyes and tried to let the rising anger pass. 'Sleep is voluntary, sir!' I emphasized slightly.

'Well, that snoring sounded pretty intentional from my side of things. Ahh you're so lucky I saw them bring you in. Another night of that and you'll see the backside of my pillow,' he said. Gulping his tea in one go, he crushed the cup in his hand and threw it at my forehead. As he walked away, I couldn't help but wonder whether he was serious or not.

'Don't mind him,' I heard. It was like a rainbow was speaking to me. It was really the nurse but medication sometimes administers a flair for the dramatic. Still though, this was the first time I'd been to a hospital and encountered a nurse this—eye pleasing. Of all times to be…

I hated myself for a moment there. Sometimes it was hard for my chamber, no, it's hard to get that out of my system. It was hard for me to stay emotionally on task. Sometimes I felt too detached from my emotions that I didn't seem like I cared and every time somebody made me aware of this, I hated myself the more.

It's not that I didn't want to. I just couldn't. I hated that I couldn't but I just couldn't care as much as I wanted to. The nurse had already gone through a chunk of monologue as I was stuck in my head. It had nothing to do with her eyes. She was probably explaining why the tea slurping gentleman was the way he was and had possibly proceeded to something about my quick recovery.

That wasn't important though. I groaned as I tried to sit up. 'My, my parents, my, the people I was in an accident with. Where are they?' She tried to smile as she was getting me to lay back down. She tried to smile until she couldn't. Something about the, 'Doctor is coming.' Something about, 'He will know more.'

My anxiety was steadily rising now. I felt like screaming but there wasn't enough battery in chest. My throat felt like it had discontinued the use of my diaphragm. I made a fist. Boom! I banged at my chest. Boom! Faster than before. Hitting myself successively, the nurse tried to stop me.

When she saw that she couldn't, she called for help. Two other nurses, who paled in comparison to this one, showed up and tried holding me down as the other injected me with something. I gradually became weaker and before I lost consciousness, I glanced at something in the corner of my eye.

That deranged tea loving dude was laughing at me with a cup to his mouth. I wished in that moment I could beam forth rays of hatred from my eyes. It's just that the nurse was in the way.

When I came to the second time, there was someone seated right next to me on the left. His apparel gave the impression that he was a doctor. Judging a book by its cover is something I've learnt not to do.

The nurse had a name tag. This guy didn't. He exuded his position though. Had the coat that was neatly ironed and spotless like he had just come in. His shoes. You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes. I heard that in a movie once. They sparkled almost as brilliantly as his bald head did. His eyes were clear and yet gave off a hint of many sleepless nights.

Picking a pen from the inside of his coat, he clicked it as he opened the small notebook in his hand.

'You are, Daniel, correct?' he asked. His voice was deeper than I thought it would be.

My head went full circle paranoid of course. How did he know my name? I wasn't a regular at this hospital. Speaking of which, I didn't know where I was. I wasn't wearing my uniform. I deduced, somebody had to have told him.

'Your little sister has been asking for you,' he said, with slight exhaustion in his voice.

My face lit up. My deduction was right! The good news is what lit me up of course.

'And what about her? How is Chloe doing?' I asked with glee.

I could tell he really wanted to talk to me about something else but I didn't want to see it. Bad news sometimes, is like an itch you can't scratch. It was itchy all over. From the way the nurses seemed to whisper amongst themselves to the grave expression plastered onto this doctor's face.

'She, she is not in any danger. It's just that your parents. Your parents. They…'

'Leave,' I interrupted. 'Don't make me ask again, just leave.'

Part of me didn't want to go through what he had already made painfully clear. If it was good news he would have stopped me by now.

As he left, I pulled at his coat, 'Don't tell her anything for now. Leave that to me.'

He affirmed with an even sadder expression. I let him go. At this point I really wanted to see the backside of my own pillow. 'That's funny,' I thought. I started to feel this bubbling in the pit of my stomach. It was laughter. It rose up within so uncontrollably I started laughing out loud.

I couldn't believe my ears, my eyes, my heart. I couldn't believe anything right now. I didn't want to. But I didn't know why that was so funny. My sides were starting to hurt. The strange looks all around didn't really help. I just laughed the more. I didn't want to stop laughing. I didn't want to leave the place of disbelief.

My chest started itching. It felt hot. The laughter wasn't working. 'Take it out,' I mumbled. 'Take it out!' As I was beating upon my chest once more.

'This damn chamber of…' I cried as the nurses attempted to put me to sleep again. 'Ahh, let me go!' I opposed. 'It hurts. It hurts so deep and I can't reach it.'

As I gradually became drowsy, I started to remember something. A memory of my mom. One I had all but forgotten. My five-year-old hand upon my chest. Her palm upon my hand. 'But it hurts!' I protested.

'Sometimes,' she said, 'It's supposed to. Sometimes, that's how you know it works.'

'Is that why my eyes keep melting?' I asked as she chuckled.

Shaking her head, 'You still call it that? It's crying. Crying! I know your father says men shouldn't cry but it's totally normal. Plus, he's crazy. Just don't tell him I said that.'

I didn't really know what crazy meant at the time but I wasn't no snitch either. As the memory persisted, I could remember her smell. Her warmth; I could almost feel it. But I couldn't take it anymore. And thanks to the medication, I didn't have to.