Orientation.

Deadpool pulled a pair of blue coveralls over his body and flipped a backwards baseball cap over his head over his head. The Mercenary stepped into the halls of Hogwarts and walked to the Janitor's closet. The door flung open to greet Deadpool with the smell of ammonia. The Merc took in a nice whiff of the cleaning supply and got very dizzy. He turned around to face a grumpy old man dressed in green. His face looked contorted in one of the surliest looks possible.

"Are you the new assistant Dumbledore hired?" the man asked shortly.

"Yes," Deadpool said. "That's me. Wade Winston Wilson at your service, and you must be Argus Filch. Filch, you know with a name like that, I swear you could have even been a pirate or a janitor. And you're the head janitor of Hogwarts."

"Let me tell you one thing and I'll make it plain."

Filch stuck his finger out in Deadpool's face. Deadpool stepped back from the point of the finger getting directly in his face.

"For once, I'm no janitor. I'm the Caretaker of this school and you better treat me with respect. I'm not only the caretaker of this school, and I'm your boss. You're going to work for mean and you're going to be the one who is going to help me clean this school of filth and troublemakers."

"What about troublemaking filth?" Deadpool asked. "I'm on with you. Captain Filch! Dread Pirate of Sanitation!"

Filch gave a low grumble which sounded enough like an "argh" where Deadpool would allow him. Deadpool watched the grey cat moving around him. He moved over to pet it. Filch knocked his hand away.

"What the actual hell, man?" Deadpool asked.

"That's Mrs. Norris," Filch said. "She's my eyes and ears around this place. I don't like people messing her. I don't like people messing with my pussy. So, keep your hands off my pussy, do you hear me?"

Deadpool snickered. Filch looked at him with a rough gaze.

"Sorry, but you just said…"

Filch slapped the dust pan down on the ground. The Mercenary stepped back. He knew a man who could wield cleaning implements in such a violent manner was no man to be trifled with.

"You better keep your hands to yourself and don't be touching Mrs. Norris," Filch said.

"Can I ask you one question?" Deadpool asked. "If she's named Mrs. Norris, what happened to Mr. Norris?"

"Don't ask me daft questions," Filch said.

"You killed Mr. Norris and stole his wife?" Deadpool asked. "That's cruel."

"There is no Mr. Norris," Filch said.

Deadpool pressed on with all of the tact of a runaway freight train. "That's because you killed him, right?"

"I didn't kill Mr. Norris," Filch said. "Because, there was no Mr. Norris!"

"What about Chuck?" Deadpool asked. "You killed Chuck? Well he's not dead. Wait just one Dad gummed golly jeez minute. You killed Chuck Norris. No wait, he's not dead. You kicked Chuck Norris's ass. You stole his wife. And turned her into a cat. And that cat is named Mrs. Norris."

Deadpool's eyes widened.

"Seriously, man, I'm learning at the foot of the master," Deadpool said. "You beat the greatest meme on the entire Internet."

The Mercenary shook his mouth.

"Wait, the Internet isn't around yet," Deadpool said. "Or maybe it is. I don't even know what year we're supposed to be in right now. The nineties if we're in canon. You never know with this author you."

"What are blathering on about?" Filch asked.

"Sorry, sir, I didn't mean to offend you, Captain Dread Pirate Filch, conqueror of Chuck Norris," Deadpool said. "You truly are a man among man. You wrestle a bear every morning for your breakfast. You have to."

"You're bloody bonkers!" Filch yelled. "Just go and clean up the toilets on the fourth floor and get out of my hair. And the suits of armor, they could do a good shining after what Peeves did to them."

"What did Peeves do to them?" Deadpool asked. "Actually, what is a Peeves?"

"Oh, you'll find out all too soon," Filch said.

He grinned evilly. With any luck, that Poltergeist and that lunatic would take each other out, and Filch would finally get a moment's piece. Filch needed to return to his quarters to prepare for another year of trying to beg Dumbledore to allow him to suspend students from his ankles.

Deadpool walked away.

"Sanitation Dread Pirate Captain Filch and Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation Wade Wilson," Deadpool said. "We're going to make a hell of a team. We could go out in a crime solving van and solve mysteries. All we need is a talking dog."

Deadpool turned around and laid eyes on the sternest looking cat ever. He reached forward to pat the cat on the head. The cat turned into a middle aged woman with dark hair.

"Neat trick, lady," Deadpool said.

"Who are you?" the woman asked.

"My name is Wade Wilson," Deadpool said. "I'm the new Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation."

"Ah yes, the assistant to Mr. Filch," the woman said. "Well, I welcome you aboard to Hogwarts. My name is Professor Minerva McGonagall."

"Pleasure to meet you, my good lady," Deadpool said. "And what's with the witch hat?"

"That's the Hogwarts Sorting Hat," McGonagall said. "You sound like you're not from around these parts?"

"I'm from Canada, eh," Deadpool said. "So, you have a hat to do your laundry?"

McGonagall looked at Deadpool very strangely.

"You know, to sort the darks from the lights."

"We have house elves for that," McGonagall said. "The Hogwarts Student hat will put a student in whichever of four houses it deems to be the best fit. It's all described in Hogwarts: a History. Perhaps you should read it, I have a copy. It will allow you to get educated on this world."

"Well, I'm all about being well learned," Deadpool said. "And house elves, you say?"

"Yes, they are bound to the will of the castle," McGonagall said. "They will be duty-bound to assist the staff."

Duty bound to assist the staff, well that was music to Deadpool's ears.

"Within reason, naturally."

The within reason part caused Deadpool's face to fall.

"Can I try on the magic hat?" Deadpool asked. "Oh, please?"

"It's an irregular request," McGonagall said.

"I don't have lice or anything," Deadpool said. "I won't run around the school wearing it or anything. I just want to wear it, to see what it would say. What house it thinks I should go in, if I can go in a house."

"Well, everyone fits somewhere," McGonagall said.

She handed the new assistant caretaker the Hogwarts Sorting hat. Deadpool rose it up triumphantly. He slid the Sorting Hat on his head.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!"

McGonagall looked on in surprise. She never heard the Hogwarts Sorting Hat.

"What foul madness have you allowed to enter my brim?" The Hat bellowed. "Get it off of me! Get it off of me! Get it off of me! GET IT OFF OF ME!"

"So where do I go?" Deadpool asked. "Come on, Mr. Hat, don't let me hanging."

"He thinks there are people watching us from behind screens," The Hat said. "How deranged to have to be to think that? He belongs in a dungeon?"

"So, Slytherin in other words," McGonagall said.

She took the hat back. It was very odd to see the Sorting Hat shudder.

"Okay, suits of armor and toilets," Deadpool said. "I might get some actual work to done."

A spectral gentleman came through the wall. He dressed in a ruffled outfit with straggly hair and facial hair. He had been surprised at the curious man just as surprised as Deadpool looked to come face to face with the ghost of John Cleese.

Who, Deadpool was pretty sure was not dead.

'Then again, given how the Grim Reaper has been a douchebag to celebrities over the last couple of years, you can never be too certain,' one of the voices chimed in.

"Hello," he said.

"Hi," Deadpool said. "Just who are you anyway?"

"I am Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington," he said bending his head forehead.

The neck collar came loose and his head came off. In theory at least, it hung by one strand of flesh which caused Deadpool to jump back.

"Your head came off," Deadpool said.

"If only," the ghost said. "They call me Nearly Headless Nick for good reason."

"Yeah, your head doesn't come off," Deadpool said. "How does that work?"

"Getting hit forty-five times in the head with a blunt axe is how that works," Nick said.

"That's just shoddy workmanship," Deadpool said. "You go a decapitate someone and you don't bring a sharp enough axe for the job."

"Tell me about it," Nick said. "I wish they would have done it properly. It hurt like hell and they didn't finish the job. I've had to be the butt of many jokes by ghosts who did get their head hacked off properly. I can't believe this didn't hold my neck in place. I just went to all of the trouble of getting this new outfit to hold my neck into place."

A logic bomb went off in Deadpool's head.

"Wait just one blasted minute," Deadpool said. "Ghosts can get new clothes? How in the name of Stan does that work?"

Nick seemed to be genuinely puzzled with the question.

"When clothes get destroyed, burned, whatever, do they head to the afterlife as well?" Deadpool asked. "Because, seriously, this raises all kinds of disturbing implications. I think I'm going to need this bleach for purposes other than cleaning right now."

"Well, I wish I could explain," Nick said. "Some things are just are because of magic."

Deadpool thought about getting high on cleaning products. Ghosts clothing stores, the mind just boggled. Clothes might just be sentient. It made him feel bad for all of those outfits that got ripped apart through the course of mercenary work.

The mercenary entered the bathroom. A horrific stench greeted him.

"Wizards, and yet, they can't invent self-cleaning toilets," Deadpool said. "Well, time to get to work."

Deadpool rolled up his sleeves and he went to war with a clogged toilet.

X-X-X

Reeking of the contents of the toilet, Wade Wilson stepped out of the final bathroom.

'Sorry about not giving you all a blow by blow account of cleaning out a toilet,' one of the voices in Deadpool's head said.

'I think that would be a very shitty scene,' Deadpool voice number two said.

A loud rim shot echoed in the background. Deadpool turned and shrugged.

He stepped in in gum on the ground. Deadpool tried to pull it off of the bottom of his shoe. The gum expanded and covered the entire lower part of Deadpool's leg.

"What's the matter? Is Filch's new crony stuck in the chewy gum?"

A water balloon hit Deadpool on the top of the head. The Mercenary looked up and saw a flying monstrosity in the air. Blue skin and a bright suit, he floated in the air, cackling madly.

"You're either an imp from the fifth dimension, or something else," Deadpool said.

"seveeP!" yelled the monstrosity. "seveeP! seveeP!"

The poltergeist cackled.

"Hey, Mr. Wilson!" the poltergeist cackled. "You a bit stuck?"

"Listen up, Dennis, this isn't funny," Deadpool said.

Peeves hurled another water balloon at Deadpool's face and bounced it off of his head. He pounded Deadpool with a greater barrage of balloons.

Deadpool picked up an axe from one of the knights and hacked his leg off! Peeves widened when Deadpool amputated himself to get away from the magically chewing gun.

"Gross," Peeves said. "GROSS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

Deadpool picked up his leg and yanked the gum off of it. He flung the clumps of gum at the Poltergeist who dodged. On one leg and one stump, Deadpool jumped around. He grabbed the mutilated leg and put it back against his body.

"Wolverine healing factor, don't fail me now."

Deadpool duct taped his leg back together. Once again, the tool of the true handyman came through in a pinch.

"Alright, Peeves, you're mine! You're not going to get away with making a mockery out of me. Only the author gets to do that!"

Deadpool chased the poltergeist down the hallway wielding a plunger in one hand and a toilet brush in the other. Peeves bolted away as fast as he could go.