SOLITUDE

The past few days have been difficult since Max's passing. I can't help but feel so alone now, even though he wasn't technically mine. It's hard not to think that maybe I could have done something to prevent it all. So many things have happened to me since then and it's hard not to feel disheartened. If it's not too late then I might decide to be a nun for God's sake, why didn't I stop the fight? Why didn't I at least get to know him? Why did he leave me when he would have just died with me?

The fear of falling in love again stayed in my heart til that day. He was the only person I fell in love with, just with a glimpse. What if he loved me back but was afraid to tell me?

What makes me feel guilty is that he kindly asked me to speak with my brother but I chose not to because of my possession.

I loved him dearly even though I didn't get to know him. I felt a deep romance with him even though I didn't get his response if he feels the same way about me. I lost my soulmate.

What breaks my heart is that I was even spending time with him. Ooh, I felt so empty. Nothing left, just a vacuum in my flesh. I never thought I was the type of person to change due to never my changing personality. I am that kind of bubbly person, but it turns out that I am just a bubblegum. Despite the worst possible outcome. I became an introvert, which was out of my comfort zone, for I had the fear of being alone. It used to hit several times, especially when I was left all alone in the house.

Well not constantly mentioning that I have been alone and bored at times but. The feeling just grew and dug holes in my heart through my current emotions.

Self-timing is something that killed me. But I think it is the right time to face the reality called myself.

For me, facing myself wasn't easy because I would run away from the feeling of being alone. I guess the greatest fear is myself. This means that I wasn't confident enough to accept or love myself as I am. Rather than someone doing it for me, not even my lousy brother.

This new character of mine also brought a lot of pain to my mother since I didn't talk to her or anyone anymore. Often, we would have girl chats after she came from work. Talking about her workday and my schooling. It was fun for me because nobody did it as she can.

My room, however, is the only place where I feel at home since the death. It feels like he has died with me. The world is no longer happy as it used to be when he was alive. Maybe he is in a different place better than this one. What made you feel so rushed to leave this place?

I miss him so much. He is that perfect figure I always wanted. That duplicate of a dream man in my life. My loneliness followed me wherever I went until I made a final decision never to date again until I had witnessed Max in person. If it is not possible to fulfill the request, it will not be fulfilled.

Something was removed from my life and left me with a tedious face.

Guess the songs I listened to in that period, the slow jams, soothed my soul. My brother hated this kind of music.

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