RETURNING TO MY BED



My current location is in Neverland, which is quite different from my previous home. Although it is quite cold here, my usual position is sitting on my bed. Started thinking of things I can do to change my life for the better. Ever since Max's death, I have been miserable. Maybe my mind was going back to its sense. But how can I be absent-minded for so many days, dreaming about some crush of mine who was dead, before becoming so hurt as if I was rejected?

It's hard to believe, but it seems that my mind fabricated those events solely to provide me with a sad love story to share. During girl chats, I just wanted to say something. I found this as an act of cruelty. If we're going to take an opportunity of someone who is no more and make it a great platform to fit in, was a great sense of wickedness. Could it be that I'm still hiding the deepest part of my feelings for him?

I don't understand why this haunts me so much. It's like I killed him or maybe he is right next to me.

How is that possible? I think my mind started playing tricks on me again. It's not understandable. It is possible that if the doctor examined my brain, he would also find Max in it.

Since I started thinking about Max all the time, I used to get excited back then, but now I get so annoyed. Because of the amusement, I opened up a little to my family. After neglecting my best friends for so long, it was great to spend time with them again.

As a result of my situation, I still have a lot of feelings about it, and I hope they will understand. Despite this, I still regret all my selfish actions; not talking to anybody, you know, the family stuff that people do together. I wasn't part of it. They weren't possible or made possible because I wasn't present in those moments. Can you hear that? This means I have been selfish. Imagine a big family of 4 can't continue with activities because of that one person, just one person, which is me.

I started to open up and often talked to my family, one by one. I was in a place where I could even offer my mother a hug. A warm one.

My family gave me all the attention I needed from them. Family meetings were heard often, which talked about my health and how I feel deep inside. As it said I became open, I even talked to my family in the presence of my family.

We became so close that we started to share our feeling. We call it the circle of trust: a time when everyone apologizes for their mistakes and admits their wrongdoings. For me it was surprising, I never imagined in my life that there was a time when my parents would apologize to me.

Waking up the next day at dawn, and cleaned my room to put another luggage and furniture. It felt worth it and deserving. Fresh cold air and space. My room was very spacious. I like the vintage look the whole house had that traditional old look and it felt warm. I didn't feel like I was living in a hotel. It felt like home and safe.

Safe for protection lies in your instincts. I found an old book in that room of mine as I opened a mystery door in my room. It was mostly down-tinted wood that covered the furniture. A massive wardrobe where I can hang and fold my clothes neatly. Beneath, space left where I could put my shoes and bags. The room reminded me of my grandmother. The color is dull, just like hers. Warm like her adorable hugs. I guess what it was thinking what it was trying to say to me was that I need to grow up and be wise enough to face the world without fear and with no questions asked. What if in this room there lived strong women? Questions like that in this room are starting to empower me. I also like the theme of the room: brown wallpaper with pink rhombuses in the form of patterns ( even though it had dirt on it.)Monalisa's portrait is on the wall above the bed. On top of the door, knights and heroes from ancient times were portrayed. Someone living in the room seemed interested in war and saving the world, or maybe she wanted to be an idol to many people. Some people don't just leave the country just to get by, they have a purpose. The reason was they are created on the very same earth we live in. Without any hesitation, I kept on exploring the room. The bed was of steel and had caramel brown curtains around the bed and a feature dipped in ink.

For me, I think the feature and the ink were just part of the decoration set. It looks like this house has been around for a long time. Every single thing still feels new, the texture and the smell. It didn't have that bad smell. What I think is needed: a little repair here and there. Which won't hurt.

Dust pink paint covered the room couch and brown ornate lamps decorated the sides. Shaggy floor carpet underneath. Gosh, that couch only smelled dust as if I was going to suffocate. In this room, I quickly moved from the torture of dust and searched for the other things I could discover. Curved elegance mirror behind the couch facing the wardrobe. And a stool in front of it. How fabulous! Across from the headboard was a mirror, an odd-shaped object in the corner. Since I have seen so much already today, I believe that's enough for today.

For the record, I want to know every single detail about my room, I don't want to leave any.

But then I think it's enough for today, I need to rest, and then maybe when I wake up I will tidy up the room.

It was the most fascinating experience of my life! With my arms wide open, I threw myself on the bed and took a 30-minute nap.

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