PENNYWORTHS

Yesterday was one of the most challenging days of my life so far. It is the lowest point of my life that I have ever experienced. I don't even want to tackle the issue. The crazy morning, I guess. If only I had drank beer last night I may have been fine. Something funny has recently come up in my head. Is it real or am just thinking about things again? My neighbor is talking about me, and it's bad. Wait, do I even have a neighbor? I know for sure. There is a tide argument about me nearby. I can hear it, it's just that I don't see the people. I wonder who they are. This doesn't make me feel superb inside. Am I going to be arrested for something, cause I feel very guilty deep inside? Anyhow, thankfully, I don't have work today, and I could rest finally. The terrible picture keeps on displaying in my head. I hope so cause the recent lover birds are off my side. I have to do something about this, maybe a comeback. As I was thinking all about it, I was in the living room all alone with a glass of champagne in my hand, still in my pajamas. I had a lot of ideas. The problem is that it seems like they will not bring back the bacon. See, the problem with me is that I cannot find back or talk back. That's what I detest about myself. I just cannot be wicked for being. The angelic character I have is useless cause now it does not help, am the one who got hurt purposely, by all odds. Lonely morning rubbed on my face as only the articulation of the turning glass was audible. Laying on my couch and enjoyed the dim view outside. Still, the weather outside resembled my situation. All the sky with dull sunrise, amid the window and few people working outside on the other grounds that I lived in the city, so it's always busy. What's astonishing is that today it's not. I guess people, even though they don't know me understand my state of being all alone.

Not expecting the situation will be worse, my mind kept on playing that same movie in my head I watched in my head. That awful girl and Johnson having sex in front of my eye. I could see it even though they are far away. It felt real even though it was in my imagination. Me being that third wheel and watching everything happening. I guess my world is turned upside down for everything feels different after then. Everything annoys me and not forget that every single night, tears are rolling down my face. If I would measure them, they would probably fill the whole bathtub. Maybe I do deserve this, you know what's pathetic is that everyone at work approves of this. It feels like they have been waiting for this to happen to me for a very long time. Like I don't understand what's to celebrate over there when he proposed to her. Did you know what they did? They rejoice, clapping their hands for the fake couple cause if it was real they would do it out to hurt someone else. I hate this!!! Not even care how I feel about this. It's like they displace me. The problem is I don't know what I did to them for treating me this way. It feels like it was planned all alone. If the whole group of colleagues approves of it then it's possible. The saddest thing is that I have nobody on my side. At least my emotions can handle all of this but my brain can't. Everything day when I step into that place a cloud of sorrow pours out the rain of pain into my heart. Sometimes I even feel little or light to get through it. It's a torment. When is this going to be over? The question I ask myself every single day. Do I deserve this? That the whole universe agrees with this. My heart just keeps on playing stubbornly. Keep this same person that's hurting me in my heart and lock its door so that no one can come in. Hopes to side with the terrible monster, maybe this will change for the better. I even had to make the biggest decision in my life. I chose to wait, perchance he will come around. Tell me how much he loves me, grasp this whole beauty waiting just for me. I won't lie my heart became bitter day after day. I changed. Not the happy bird I used to be. Blaming all nature and also and him for every atrocious thing that happens to me. Even the little ones. Being like.

" If he loved me like I deserved to be loved, this cup would have broke since I am stressed. It's all because of him" This pain am feeling right now, a bullet wouldn't feel it.

Having high hopes, expectations, and dreams about this relationship didn't help either. I don't know what else to do. There is no way of this seriously!!! A tide rope crept around my body. Not even one node is visible to untie. Heavy heart with a small sack of blood pumping in my chest. Not else to do. You stay until it hurts, you go out you miss him until it hurts badly. Is this how life is supposed to be? But why did I get into this? If only I knew. Blinded my love, I guess. How did I get this blinded in the first place? I mean what I could see it's only his beautiful face honestly. His actions didn't say anything to me no matter how good they are. I would always forgive him for his actions. What if the demon in my head comes to life? I wonder how the world around me will survive. Let's just go back to bed what is the use of waking up anyway.....

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