FRAME OF MIND ( life pick)

Today I feel so many things. Some of them I cannot speak about.



My emotions contained a lot. But on this day I feel disappointed in myself. I feel like am not doing enough. Maybe it's because I am a workaholic. Whenever I am about to rest or find myself in a place where I do nothing. I know I have a lot of potential and I can do a lot of things but sitting around and doing nothing! That kills me. It makes me feel weak as a human being. Right now, I would say I am amid my problems. People created some, but I created some. It also gets to a time when I have no solutions to any of the problems, yet I expect everything can disappear away from my face. And the rare times when I question who I am. Do I even deserve the things I have?

: The house, the job, the money, even the family I had. It feels. Honestly, for me, life feels useless. What's the use of leaving at the end of the? Day people are just going to play with your heart. Something you could jump on or play on. Right now I am broken by someone who I passionately loved. Giving him my all is what I regret, the one for me. My everything, my soulmate. What if he was going to be my husband? I thought. Everything when he touched me, I would feel a sensation that was so memorable and could last for days. Whenever I was in his warmth, I felt safe. I felt like an embraced goddess. I won't lie. I was deeply in love with him to where I believed he was mine forever. Often thinking that no one could take him away from me. My life felt complete, that puzzle missing which only needed someone to place it where it belongs, right in my heart. I was unsure that my life's dreams came true. That angle that hit me for so many years in me revealed in me. Was sweet to think of everybody at work, for I felt like I was that queen in the castle. But when I faced reality, that was just a fantasy and illusion that will never come true. I didn't know the difference between a human being and a snake back then. But now I have become wiser and smarter. Focusing on my emotions like this truly helps me feel much better after expressing all of them. What has life thrown on my face? So unfair! At least my heart breaks at once and stressed after. Now everything at the same time? This is too much for me. I don't like this at all. This is pressure. The biggest problem right now is that I don't have anyone to talk to. If I had the chance to, I don't know how in the world am I going to explain myself. If I explain myself to somebody, would they understand what I mean or say? Will they give me solutions to my problem? This pain has left a huge clot in the veins of my heart. No matter how hard I try to pop it so that the pain could go out, it just keeps on growing, hiding, and clotting. When will this storm be over, it just doesn't get why I had to experience all of this. My life had to be smooth and I had to be happy with my husband. This life was not meant for me at all. I cannot wait and pray on having this kind of life, then bang! It doesn't happen exactly the way I wanted it to. This is not me at all. Maybe something took a place in my body or something. Like really, I don't get it at all.

I can't control how I feel. But right now it feels like has been my enemy for a very long. Nothing is falling into place. I don't know what to do next. The thing I don't want to regret making a bad decision. Sometimes I question myself, my religion, is this still the real me? Why is a human being created with emotions? The saddest thing we had to face. At least you cannot feel your thoughts. But also your thoughts can turn wild. To the point where you cannot control them. That is the point where I could say that my mental health is not good at all. But also when you are in love, your emotions can be on your side. Your hormones give out that exciting thing in your body. That makes you feel different, wanted. That sense of belonging that you have been seeking for your whole life. The is only one problem. It doesn't last for long. They fade exactly how they can into your life. Nothing that exciting just normal. It is like eating that last piece of chocolate and you don't feel its taste anymore.

Have to you, have you ever felt like you don't belong in a certain place? Or you just came out to be the third wheel in people's businesses. Life is so unforeseeable!! Does that word even exist?? I wonder...

But I also think my childhood plays a huge role in this. The fact that I had to leave with the pain of being abundant until I could stand up on my feet again. Not forgetting the main reason I became homeless in the first place and had to work at a very young age. Rape. My mother denying the whole thing made a big in my life today. I have a lot of emotions that I have closed in from my past and new older with all the pain. I just don't like the way interferes with my present life. Most of the time when I find myself alone everything just comes made to blow smoke on my face. The main question I asked myself is: how come that life can be so unfair for me? Is it all the pressure or I am the problem? Sometimes it feels like I should just make a lot of work in three seconds and I can't. My body gets slow. I think this makes a huge impact on my everyday life.

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