12. Nearly There

Lena had never thought of herself as the kind of person who looked forward to the weekend. She loved her work. Lcorp wasn’t just a job, it was family; the only remaining member of her family she had any hope of redeeming. But there was something special about Sunday mornings. Sunday morning was for waking up to sunlight instead of an alarm,  tea instead of coffee,  and the fresh crisp pages of a real newspaper under her fingers instead of her usual hurried swipe through the newest headlines on her phone.

This Sunday morning was different. Where other Sunday mornings had been just about Lena, this Sunday morning might have been about Lena and Kara, and maybe a little bit about exploring the limits of plausible deniability on just friends spooning...but when Lena woke up and automatically reached for the other woman, there was no one there.

She was alone.

Any lingering doubts Lena may have had about how little she actually wanted her old life back died a sudden and inevitable death in that moment. 

It wasn’t the worst thirty seconds of her life, but it was close.

That was about how long it took her to realize she was overreacting. Nothing had changed. She was still in their bed, in their bedroom, in their apartment. The half-empty glass of water Kara had left on her bedside table last night was still there, and when Lena sat up she saw Kara’s pyjamas hanging over the side of the laundry basket. The only thing missing was Kara herself.

Okay...Lena took a deep breath, telling her frantically beating heart to calm the hell down, everything was fine. This was... just not something she’d really wanted to realize about herself today. She’d known of course, almost from the first day, that giving this up was going to hurt, but she’d never truly doubted that it was the right thing to do, or questioned her ability to do it.

Lena didn’t think she liked Sunday mornings anymore. 

As the pounding of blood in her ears faded, she became aware of other sounds filtering through the walls of the apartment; Lizzy’s high pitched giggle, just this side of maniacal, and Kara’s warm, bright tones, rising and falling like a melody.

Like a moth drawn to its own immolation, Lena couldn’t resist their light, and she hated them a little bit for that, though not nearly as much as she hated herself.

“Good morning!” Kara called from the kitchen when Lena emerged; still in her sleep clothes, though she had taken five minutes to wash her face and brush her teeth and hair. Personal crisis or no personal crisis, she had standards.   

“I was just about to come wake you up,” Kara added, grinning over the giant ceramic bowl she was stirring. She looked like she’d been up for hours;  bright and bubbly in a simple belted sundress, pale blue under a white cardigan, and her hair done up in an elaborate crown of braids. There was a smear of what looked like pancake batter across her nose and more on the bridge of her glasses. She set the bowl down on the counter beside the stove, and started spooning it into a sizzling pan. “Your pancakes will be ready in about five minutes, the cooler is packed, I put Lizzy’s stroller and diaper bag by the front door, and she already has her sunscreen on. I have no idea if half-Kryptonians can get sunburned, but I didn’t really want to test it. Alex and Maggie are meeting us there, James too, but Winn needs a ride, so I said we’d pick him up on our way.” Leaving the pancake to cook, she took a plate with another one already cut up and drizzled with syrup, and put it in front of Lizzy in her booster seat at the table.

“’’Chip cakes!” Lizzy exclaimed and dug in, barely sparing a glance for Lena in the presence of food. Specifically food containing chocolate chips. For which Lena would lecture Kara later, but right now...

“Where exactly are we going?” Lena asked. She remembered Kara saying something about pursuing another talisman piece today, but honestly, she’d been half asleep when Kara had flown in after a late-night assist with Detective Sawyer, and most of what she recalled was the twin gusts of air and enthusiasm as Kara super-sped through her nightly routine before collapsing beside her in bed.

“The Zoo!” Kara beamed. “Winn thinks that one is going to take the longest to search, so it made sense to tackle it on the weekend, and I was telling Maggie about it, and she thought it would make a great double date –she’s still hit or miss on remembering the reality shift—, and then I didn’t want Winn and James to feel left out, so...uh...” Her grin turned sheepish. “I, um... invited everyone? Coffee?”

“Please.”  Lena sat down at the table, accepting the cup Kara offered gratefully. She took a moment just to breathe it in before taking her first sip, welcoming the bitter dose of caffeine on her tongue.  Tea just wasn’t going to cut it this particular Sunday morning.

“’Cake, Mommy?” Lizzy offered, holding out her sticky fork with a squashed looking piece of pancake speared on the tines.

“Mommy gets her own breakfast,” Kara said firmly, redirecting Lizzy’s fork back to her plate. “You eat yours. I cut up some of the strawberries we bought yesterday too,” she added to Lena.  “Are you hungry now, or would you rather get ready first?”

She was even wearing an apron. With the words Trophy Wife printed across the chest in elaborate pink script. 

Lena was feeling very attacked right now.

Kara must have misinterpreted her expression, because her face fell, excitement replaced by concern. “I guess I should have asked. Is that okay? Taking everyone? I can cancel...” she turned away and reached for her phone on the counter.

“No,” Lena caught the strings of her apron, tugging her back. “It’s fine. I just... didn’t sleep well,” she lied. “I’m sorry, I’d love to go to the Zoo with everyone.”

“Really?” Kara allowed herself to be pulled in, knees bumping into Lena’s chair.

“Really,” Lena assured her, and the terrible thing was; that part was true. “Nice apron,” she added, because how could she not? “Though are you sure it’s not mine?”

“Very sure,” Kara said, blue eyes twinkling with mirth. “Yours says Sugar Mama. I’m blaming Winn.”

Lena snorted and dropped her forehead against Kara’s middle to hide her blush, pulling her closer with an arm around her hips and fingers still tangled in her apron strings. “You have terrible friends.”

“I have awesome friends,” Kara corrected her. “You’re sure you’re okay?”

“I’m sure,” Lena said, her breath catching a little on the second word, when she felt the tentative brush of fingers through her hair.

“Because it’s okay if you’re not...” Kara’s touch became surer when Lena didn’t object, running from her temples, over her ears and down the back of her head, scraping lightly against her scalp and making her entire body hum.

“You’d better not be getting pancake batter in my hair,” Lena threatened, because yanking Kara down and kissing her wasn’t an option.

“Um...”

“Kara!”

“Only a little?”

Lena sighed, reluctantly letting go of her and sitting up. She resisted the urge to whimper when Kara’s hands fell out of her hair. Barely. “I needed a shower anyway.” A cold shower, she added silently.

“Better go then.” Was it just Lena’s imagination, or did Kara sound a little breathless as she stepped back, offering a hand to help her up.

Lena let her, if only for the added torture of feeling Kara’s hand in hers, and the barest hint of superhuman strength in the gentle tug it took to bring her to her feet. Of course, Kara neglected to move away, and they ended up standing way too close together.

“Your shower,” Kara reminded her, when they’d been staring at each other just a little too long to be considered strictly friendly.

“Your hand,” Lena countered.

“Oh,” Kara released her, blushing faintly and nearly tripping over the other chair as she retreated back towards the kitchen. “Sorry, I’ll just...”

“Rescue your burning pancake?”

“My...?” The smell of charred batter reached them seconds before the smoke detector went off. “Oh, no...” she dashed to the stove.

Lizzy covered her ears with a shriek at the loud wail of the alarm, smearing maple syrup all over herself in the process.  

“No freeze-breath on the appliances,” Lena warned Kara before she could open her mouth, picking Lizzy up on her way past. They could both use a shower now. “Put it on the list. And no flying in the house either,” she added, when Kara defied gravity to turn off the smoke detector without the benefit of a step stool.

“We’re going to need more paper,” Kara grumbled, dropping back to the floor and putting the ruined pan in the sink before dutifully pulling the list of family rules down off the fridge to make the additions.

Lena left her to it with a shake of her head, and a rueful grin.

Maybe she still liked Sunday mornings after all.

*****

The Zoo was hot, crowded, loud and smelly, and Kara loved it.

Lizzy loved it too, if her squeals of joy, and near-constant babbling of barely recognizable animal names were anything to go by. The stroller had lasted about ten minutes before Kara had given in and let her walk. Two hours later, Winn was carrying the stroller, and James was carrying Lizzy up on his shoulders so that she could still see everything while her little legs recovered from the dead-run with which she had covered the first quarter of the park, dashing from animal to animal so quickly that only Kara had been able to keep up with her.

She had a tiny ice cream cone clutched in one chubby fist; currently occupying 95% of her attention, and the other hand firmly grasping James’ left ear. Kara wasn’t sure if his pained wince was for that, or for the steady drip of melting ice cream onto his head. Either way, he was getting serious uncle points.

“I’m sorry,” Kara said, dropping back to walk beside him as they left the Americas and took the next trail heading for the eastern regions. Alex and Maggie were sharing war stories up at the front of the group, and Lena and Winn were deep in discussion about her Alien tech project in the middle. “Do you want me to take her?”

“It’s okay,” James said, wiping ice cream out of his eyebrow. “I like kids, and she kind of grows on you... when she’s not destroying everything in sight.”

“You’ve been talking to Winn.”

“There was mention of an alien spear.” James chuckled. “I would have given a lot to see her bite that frat boy, though. I heard he needed stitches. What’s going on with that by the way? I would have thought he’d be here...”

Kara’s first instinct was to chide James for his attitude towards Mon El, but when she opened her mouth, nothing came out. She was done, she realized. She was done defending him. She still cared about him, and she still believed he had the potential to be a good person, but she wasn’t going to make excuses for him anymore. Mon El was going to have to stand up or fall down on his own from now on.             

“I didn’t invite him,” Kara admitted. “It might have been a little weird...” She waved a hand at Lena, walking ahead of them.

“Ah...” James looked far too knowing for Kara’s tastes. “How is that going then? I noticed you guys are still wearing your wedding rings.”

Kara considered lying. It was bad enough that Winn knew, and James was... James. They had history. “It’s...” she caved. “It’s kind of amazing actually... but in a totally awful way? Like, I’m not sure if I even want to find this talisman anymore, because then it will be over, and I...” she twisted the ring in question on her finger, wondering how she would feel when it was gone, and not really liking the answer. “I don’t think I’m ready for it to be over.”

James frowned. “You know you can’t leave reality all messed up, Kara...”

“I Know!” Kara blew out a breath, not really angry with James for only pointing out the obvious, but still. Why did he always have to be so big picture all the time? It was only a tiny little kink in reality... just a few rings and one pretty awesome kid. There were literally millions of kids on the planet, what was one more?

“I’m sorry,” James said, and he sounded sincere, if a little sad. “You guys are... kind of cute together.”

“You think so?” Kara let her gaze slip from James to Lena; almost casual today in black capris pants and sandals with a sleeveless white blouse. She’d added a pair of sunglasses and twisted her hair up into a loose knot, rather than her usual more severe style. It made her look softer, somehow, and talking science with Winn... it lit her up inside.

As if sensing Kara’s eyes on her, Lena glanced back; catching Kara’s appreciative gaze and smirking. Kara ducked her head, blushing, and nearly tripped over her own feet.  

“Yeah...” James chuckled, reaching out an arm to steady her before she fell and broke the pavement. “I really do.”

*****

Lena tried to refocus on Winn’s arguments for the development of self-defence tech, and why it was completely different from making weapons, resisting the giddy thrill that had shot through her when she’d caught a glimpse of that look in Kara’s eyes, but it was hard not to let her attention wander. Had she really seen what she thought she’d seen?

She’d suspected Kara was flirting with her in the grocery store yesterday, but she hadn’t really believed it. Kara was straight, right? Except she’d never actually confirmed that, now that Lena thought about it. Could she be wrong?

Hope, after no hope, was a cruel thing.

Winn trailed off, clearly noticing Lena’s sudden lack of focus. He glanced between her and Kara, a smug twinkle in his eye. “Something on your mind?” he asked. “Or should I say, someone?”

Lena breezed on past him, staring straight ahead. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Sure...” He caught up, gamboling like an overgrown puppy. “But just so you know, I’m Kara’s best friend.” He tapped the side of his nose. “I have the inside scoop.

Lena faltered, but only for a moment. She wasn’t going to stoop to gossip. She wasn’t that desperate. Not yet anyway. Though if Winn was offering...  “What do you know?”

“Enough,” Winn said with a grin. “But let’s just say, someone was asking some pretty interesting questions the other day.”

Lena scowled at him. Sure, lure her in and then tell her nothing. “I have no idea what that means.”

“Neither does she,” Winn tilted his head back towards Kara. “But the point is, she’s asking.”

“She’s...Oh.” Lena blinked. Was he saying what she thought he was saying?

Winn nodded. “Exactly.”

Lena glanced back again, but Kara was helping James wipe melted ice cream off his head and didn’t notice. She laughed when Lizzy swung wildly to the right, craning her head to watch the antics of a monkey in a nearby enclosure and swiped her nearly finished, but still dripping, cone across his face.

“Argh...” he protested, nearly losing his grip on her feet.

“That’s enough of that,” Kara said, plucking the mangled treat free of Lizzy’s fist and tossing it into a nearby trashcan. Lizzy opened her mouth to yell, outraged at the injustice, but just then they rounded a corner, the path widening out at a new exhibit, and Lizzy forgot all about her ice cream.

“Kitty...” she breathed, frozen for one overwhelmed moment, before she was struggling to get down, nearly kicking James in the head in her excitement. “Big kitty!”

“Tiger,” Kara corrected her, reaching up to lift her down before she fell, or James lost an ear or an eye to flailing hands. As soon as Lizzy’s feet touched the ground she was off; a tiny streak through the crowd. Kara sighed and trotted after her, shooting Lena a wry what are we going to do with this kid? look over her shoulder that shouldn’t have melted Lena’s heart so completely, but when it came to Kara... she was pretty much always halfway to a puddle already.

 *****

By the time Kara caught up to her, Lizzy was already plastered to the clear wall of the enclosure, face rapt with fascination. “Tiger...” she whispered, reverent. “Tiger, Mama!” She said, louder, pointing at the big cats lolling on their rocks, and scratching lazily at a fallen log, as if Kara hadn’t been the one to tell her what they were.

“I know, kiddo,” Kara said, crouching down beside her. “These are Amur, or Siberian tigers. They’re the biggest cats on Earth.”

“’Mur Tigers?”

“That’s right.” Kara couldn’t help the big, dopey grin on her face at Lizzy’s look of utter rapture. She remembered what her first trip to the Zoo had been like, back when she’d first come to earth. It had been a revelation. Animals had been a revelation. They’d had so few left on Krypton...

“Izzy tiger?”

“No.” Kara drew the line there. “You can’t have a tiger. They don’t make good pets.”

As if to demonstrate, one of the smaller males, probably bored, wandered over to pester the largest tiger who was currently sunning himself on top of their cave. He batted playfully at the older tiger’s face, jumping back when his efforts resulted in an annoyed growl, a show of teeth and a lazy swipe, long claws scraping against rock.

Far from being daunted, Lizzy bared her own teeth in a passable growl herself, crooking her fingers and drawing her nails down the plexi glass.

Ears pricked at this new contender, the small male glanced over at them. Lizzy growled again, and he bounded over, bouncing a little on his feet as if to show off, chuffing proudly. Lizzy giggled at his antics, completely unafraid, even when he pulled up right on the other side of the barrier and reared back, slamming his paws to either side of her.

“Tiger, down,” she said firmly, and Kara wasn’t sure who was more surprised, her or the tiger when he obeyed instantly, dropping his paws to the ground and crouching down until his big yellow eyes were level with Lizzy’s. “Nice tiger,” she praised him, stroking her hand against the plexi glass, as if it was his fur. “’Izzy’s tiger.”

The tiger seemed inclined to agree, half-closing his eyes and licking his side of the barrier under Lizzy’s hand.   

“Just to be clear, I don’t care if that tiger starts glowing blue. We’re not taking it home,” Lena said, coming up behind them, but she sounded more amused than annoyed. 

Kara grinned up at her. “What about a kitten?”

“I don’t think a kitten would quite measure up after this,” Lena pointed out, watching as Lizzy walked along the barrier, trailing her hand against the plexi glass and her new conquest followed, padding slowly along beside her.

“You might be right,” Kara agreed, standing up. “What do you think our chances are of persuading her to move on any time soon?”

“Optimistically? Non-existent.”

Kara laughed. “Lunch? It looks like there’s a little food court down that way. We could have a picnic...” she trailed off, frowning at the rest of their group, still well back of the tiger enclosure, huddled in a suspicious looking little circle and taking turns to glance over at Kara and Lena every few seconds. Kara couldn’t be positive without using her super hearing, but she was pretty sure someone was snickering.

“Now, what are they up to?” Lena asked, echoing Kara’s thought and pushing her sunglasses up on top of her hair.

“I have a pretty good idea...” Kara grumbled. Winn and James were being dirty rotten traitors, that’s what they were up to.

“Hmm...” Lena looked thoughtful. “Shall we leave them to their plotting then, and see if we can find anything edible? They can see Lizzy from where they are, and I don’t think she’s going anywhere.”

“Yes. Let’s,” Kara decided matter of factly, holding out a hand in open defiance of whispering former friends.

Lena raised a single graceful brow, but she took Kara’s hand, allowing her to lace their fingers together and tug her towards the food court.

*****

Whatever the others had been doing, there was no sign of a conspiracy when Lena and Kara got back with food for everyone. They claimed a little grassy hill where they had a clear view of Lizzy and her tiger, still communing through the barrier, and drawing quite a little crowd of onlookers by now, and spread out the blankets Kara had packed, settling down to eat in relative harmony.

It wasn’t long before Lena was wishing they had chosen a shadier spot. She had always been sensitive to the heat, and the afternoon sun was blazing down on them without mercy. Kara of course, was in her element. She glowed under the golden light, seeming only to get brighter with each climbing degree. Lena, by contrast, could feel sweat trickling down the back of her neck, making her itch, and she shifted uncomfortably.

“You okay?” Alex asked, glancing over from her blanket with Maggie. The two women were pressed together despite the heat, Maggie leaning against a rock and Alex tucked neatly between her knees. They were adorable, which only served to irritate Lena further. A few minutes of holding Kara’s hand, cut short by the need to juggle money and food, wasn’t nearly enough.

“I’m fine,” she said, squinting up at the sun. “It’s just getting a little hot out.”

“Oh, Kara has a great trick for that!” Alex said. “Kara, you remember... back when we were kids?”

“Um...Alex?” Kara looked up from her fries, eyes wide. “That might not be the best thing...”

“Come on,” Alex coaxed her. “It really works,” she said to Lena. “You’ll feel better in no time.”

Lena looked between them, sensing something nefarious was going on here, but willing to go along with anything that might make her feel less like she was slowly roasting over an open flame. “I wouldn’t mind...” she said hesitantly.

“See,” Alex gloated. “Lena wants you to do it.” She glanced around. “And no one is looking.”

Kara looked up to the sun briefly, as if praying for strength, but she got up and crossed over to Lena’s side of the blanket. “You’ll have to stand up,” she said awkwardly, and Lena complied, going along obediently when Kara tugged her a little further away from the trail before stepping back. “Close your eyes, and hold out your arms.” 

Okay... that was a little unsettling, but Lena wasn’t about to back down now. She closed her eyes and stretched her hands out to either side, skin prickling as she heard Kara move around behind her. What was she-

The first draft of cold air made Lena flinch, icy droplets of vapour settling on the skin at the nape of her neck like little frozen needles. But it was such a relief, Lena tipped her head forward, shivering with more than the drop in temperature as she realized what was happening.

Kara was using freeze breath on her.

Lena realized two very important things as the cold moved from her neck down to her back, and across her shoulders, flowing along either arm to curl around her fingers where it condensed into little beads of water, clinging to her skin like kisses from a winter storm.

One, she was absolutely, completely, and irrevocably in love with this woman.

And two, Alex was a fucking asshole.

Lena nearly moaned when Kara circled back in front of her and the first whisper of arctic breath touched the hollow of her throat. There was no coming back from this. There was literally no coming back from this. She was done, and she didn’t even care.

“Better?” Kara asked, voice husky with more than frost as she finished.

Lena opened her eyes with a shudder, gratified to see that Kara looked nearly as wrecked as she felt. “You did that to your sister?” she asked, not even bothering to pretend that had been anything other than foreplay.

“Um... no?” Kara was blushing again, but she didn’t look away this time. “That was more woosh,” she made a swooping gesture. “And all done. I’ve gotten a little better at it since then.”

“I should hope so...” Lena rubbed her hands together, trying to stop their shaking. “Kara...” she began, but she was interrupted by Winn, apologetically bursting their little bubble.

“Um... sorry, but one of the zookeepers is asking us if we could please take Lizzy away now. That tiger is purring, and apparently tigers can’t actually purr. It’s making him nervous.”

“Sure, yeah...” With one last loaded glance, Kara followed Winn back to the tiger enclosure, leaving Lena in a near daze that lasted the rest of their visit, through all the other animals and a quick detour to the giftshop where Lizzy found a glowing Zebra toy, and then nearly threw an exhausted temper tantrum until Kara reassured her that that wasn’t the promised souvenir, and helped her pick out a giant stuffed tiger that was twice her size instead which she insisted on carrying to the car.

Kara didn’t avoid Lena in all that time exactly, but she got the sense that she wasn’t the only one who was a little shaken. She could give her time... but sooner or later they were going to talk about this. And when they did, Lena was going to make absolutely sure there were no more interruptions.