Entry 15: Summer

April 9, 2016

The summer season has officially begun!

There is no season that I enjoy more than this one. As summer approaches, I get a rush of excitement when another school year comes to an end. My head will finally be free of the emotional distress caused by all the drama! Several months ago, I made myself a promise that I would use this time to get over my feelings toward him.

This is something I would like to accomplish. Luckily, my cousins and niece will be staying in our house for about a month? Although I am unsure how long they will stay here, I am looking forward to seeing them. I will utilize this to distract myself. There's also the possibility of clan outings, swimming, even a road trip; who knows? I would not have time to think about him, which is a good thing, and I could try new things to get to know myself better.

In my observation, whenever a person moves on from something, they always search for themselves. Considering they may have lost themselves during the whole time they spent with their person, that is very sad. I feel for those who have been hurt by love like that. On the brighter side, searching for a lost soul might actually help them value themselves more since they don't have to confine themselves to being the same person as they used to be.

I'm hoping to achieve that, and I pray my heart will agree with my plan. My involvement with Dash has ended. As a result of that outburst, I may also have damaged our friendship. In all honesty, we haven't spoken in quite some time now—but I could feel in my gut that something has changed. Despite not fully understanding what's going on, I know there's a difference between now and then.

Is it possible that I am accepting it more slowly? It's not clear to me. It's a bit difficult for me because ever since he had a thing with Thalia, being together with him is already impossible. I mean, I know that's already given. But his relationship with Thalia was more uncomplicated for me to accept than his relationship with Kaiya. Therefore, it's not just about accepting. To be honest, I don't know what I'm actually talking about anymore. Maybe clarity would be a better word? Clarity in my role for him. He simply considers me a friend. No more, no less.

Oh, wait!

I am no longer desperate for his attention. Yes, I believe that's the perfect word to describe how I feel. To get his attention, I used to do all sorts of shameful acts. My head hurts at the thought of it now, no matter how small or big it was!

In my memory, I was the cleaner on that particular day. At the time, I was on the other side sweeping the floor peacefully, smiling while cleaning. Suddenly, he walked towards me, and I started reacting sickly, sniffing and itching my nose as if I were experiencing some type of allergic reaction. The trick worked sort of, but in the end, he teasingly teased me about how prominent my forehead was. Typical banter. Just like before, his hand gently pressed on my forehead. As a response, I would roll my eyes at him as if I had not planned the encounter.

Karma is a powerful force. In the end, my sniffing triggered an allergic reaction. Thinking back on how pitiful I was, I'm actually giving myself a slap on the cheek.

Oh, my goodness! What an embarrassment! Thinking about this one-I feel like I should be wiped out! Of course, being pathetic Maia as I am, I did worse than pretending to be sick.

Apparently, Dash had this annoying friend, Drew, and Drew was a difficult groupmate.

I need to talk to him about our project, but I can't contact Drew! Out of desperation, I messaged Dash ranting about how irresponsible Drew was. There was a problem; we were no longer speaking terms during that time—and what's even worse was that I told him those rant messages were wrong sent!

I mean, how could I say things like that when I sent him a photo and long-ass message telling him how unreliable his friend was. Those awful moments when I bit my nails or messed up my hair still stick in my head, regretting my decision to even write that stupid rant and not stand for that stupidity.

PLEASE SWALLOW ME WHOLE NOW, GROUND!! The phrase I kept repeating to myself as I awaited his reply. My silent curse is also directed at the messenger for not providing the option to unsend messages! My shame is unbearable, but I insist on adhering to that absurdity until the end. I hope he did not tell any of his friends about this because, to me, it was opprobrium. I never realized I was so desperate for him to notice me or simply begin a conversation with me. This is really low of me, isn't it?

That's why I'm glad that school's done. I promise to utilize this summer to ameliorate my situation. My goal is not to serve him better but to serve myself better.

It would be a lie if I said I never thought of him. Because I do. Every single day. Trying to figure out how we ended up like this. Wishing there was a better time for us. There is no doubt that this would not be an easy task. Obviously, he is my first love! I didn't realize it would be this difficult to forget him.

For some, the act of declaring love at this age and in the present would be a big deal. The feeling of love toward him always prevails whenever I have those debates in my head, even though we haven't yet gotten to know each other well. Even though we've only known each other for a short time, I love him.

You know, it's not just about the butterflies. Perhaps I sound hypocritical, but I am not as shallow as you think. I feel secure around Dash, and that must be what keeps the fire lit in my heart. It's that soft voice telling me to stay strong when I'm in doubt, those bright smiles drawing me back to the center, especially when I'm plodding my way towards a dark path. That kind gesture... Oh, those kind gestures are something one cannot forget.

I believe some things are best left unsaid, so as I move ahead, these feelings will be buried down in my grave. My love for Dash is enough for me. It is not necessary for him to know.

It might be the last entry I write here. I guess this is my farewell. Dearest journal, you have served your purpose. It has been a long road for me, but finally, I'm on my way out of this hell loop and moving on with my life. Although I wish our romance would end happily, Dash Newitt, I hope for your genuine happiness instead. It has been a pleasure to get to know you. May I progress successfully!