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The Defective Detective

(Updates are slow because of certain things) (Volume 1) Taking place in 2018, Mr. William Habitat has the ultimate deduction skills. Deducing the obvious when other people are not able to notice the obvious because they are that dumb. His companion Jane Surname is as sassy as she is brilliant. Together they solve cases and annoy each other like playful children. Join them as you cringe through their adventures with inappropriate jokes and a little bit of gore. (Volume 2) Year 2022. William Habitat and Jane Surname Habitat married each other but continued to consider themselves as best friends. They only married each other to take care and nurture and die together because, the thought of being a sweet couple makes them cringe. They moved to Norway with their pet dog Emily, named after William's sister. Everything was all good until William met a strange man who claims to be Sherlock Holmes, but we all know it is not him. Now they must figure out who this man really is (or was) while facing a man he claims to be Professor James Moriarty. Join them once again in this volume that's probably not as good as the first (Because... "Sequels") but still enjoyable (I think)

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34 Chs

Part IV, Chapter II - Welcome back

I sat on my chair while thinking of my next move.

"What now?" asked Jane as she placed down our dog Emily on the floor.

"We proceed" I answered "We've come this far. With that shit being said, where should our next clue be?"

Emily walked around as she sniffed with her head down and her snout nearly touching the almost dusty floor.

"Just like old times"

"Just like old times" I repeated "Except that you're blind. Wait, it had just occured to me. Did I ever ask how you got into working for the police in the same station you caused such gore in with trigger happy bastards?"

"We got some of my memories back, but that does not mean I remember Every stupid thing. Although, one time I threw a banana away because it was clean"

"What the fuck was that last sentence?" I asked in confusion

"Just saying what I remember"

I was about to reply when Emily started barking at a wall. I stood up to investigate.

"What's wrong girl? Wait, something's not right with this wall" I claimed

"You must have spent too much time on your office, huh?"

Emily walked back to Jane, rubbing her paws at her pants as a sign that she wants to be picked up. Jane did so accordingly. I started rubbing the surface of the walls, feeling its textures and looking at the smallest detail only to realize that it was thinner.

"What's wrong?" asked Jane.

"Agatha said my office was the only thing they didn't bother touching and was left intact since we left"

"So?"

"So why is this wall different?" I rested my ear against the wall to ensure that something was inside of it before throwing my chair at it. It left a sharp hole revealing a small dark room. It was the size of a cabinet as it was only there for the message. I picked up the chair again to repeatedly smash the rest of the wall until the light in my office emitted what appeared to be words written in blood. Words that said "Welcome back, Willy"

However the new-found secret room was cleaner than my dusty office despite having it hidden for years.

"Oh dear wife o' mine, I wish you could see this shit"

"Is it a clue?"

"More like a threat. I'm grabbing some powder and a brush. I'm gonna investigate shit old-school" I explained, grabbing her shoulder and taking her with me.

"Don't forget about Sherlock. I don't know what to call him other than 'Sherlock', he never told us what we should call him instead" said Jane

"He's technically our objective"

On our way out, I saw officer Heinz slam a stack of paper at someone's desk through their glassy wall office. Old habit. I hailed a taxi to get to my previous home, that was abandoned since we moved out of town, which I would have gotten to quicker if it were not for the traffic jam. Some idiot did the most pathetic dancing right in the middle of the intersection. Everybody in this town is so uncomfortable to be with. And I thought I was weird.

My house grew vines and rotted greenish spots around the walls. It really was abandoned. Inside, my furniture was intact but dirty. Laying on the corner of the walls were spider webs.

"What the fuck is that smell?" asked Jane "It's like a nerd ate the rotten ass-hole of a roadkill skunk and downed it with beer! Your house looks like a temple now, doesn't it?"

"You see things you cannot see" I complimented

"What about the shit you need?"

"Not to worry. I hid a lot of my stuff in a chest in a wall in my room"

"So you had a hidden compartment in a wall and was still surprised to find a hidden room under the house?"

"You are not wrong"

I dragged my blind wife upstairs and into my room before breaking a spot in my room with one end of her cane. our dog continued to stay still between her hands while drooling. The chest was smaller than I remember, but nevertheless I knew it was the same chest. If there was one thing I forgot it was to put on a lock. Upon opening it everything was placed the way I remembered it and immediately grabbed my small jar of powder and a small brush. Under them was a framed picture of me and my sister which distracted me for a few seconds before Jane broke the silence.

"Got what you need?"

"Yes, let's go. Wait a minute"

Next to the picture was a small flash drive which I had never seen before.

"There's a small flash drive here. I never owned a flash drive" I explained "This probably contains our next clue. Let's get back to the station"

I closed the chest and this time inserted a padlock and hid it back where it was, hailed a taxi and went our way back to the station. There was no longer any heavy traffic. However, I should have checked my pockets and wallet first.

"Shit" I gasped on the backseat with her, holding my empty wallet.

"Shit what?" asked Jane

"You got any cash?"

"I usually don't carry money with me anymore because you pay for almost everything, but let me check. Here, hold this"

she passed the dog over to me and I sat her on my laps as I watch Jane search through her pockets.

"I have none"

"Fuck!" I cursed "Hurry call Agatha or officer Heinz to borrow money before we reach our destination!"

"You know I don't have a phone"

"Oh right. Here, hold this" I passed the dog over to her and she cuddled her to death as I search through my pockets for my phone.

"I can't find my phone"

"Fuck!" Jane cursed "We'll figure something out when we arrive"

"We're almost there!" I cried

"That was quick" she implied "Well there's not much traffic or any idiot doing a pathetic dance in the middle of the street"

We arrived shortly and to our astonishment, standing outside and waiting for us was none other than Sherlock himself. He walked to the driver and paid for our fare. Even opened the door for us.

"Well this is-"

"A surprise?" Sherlock interrupted me mid-sentence. "I knew you'd eventually run out of money"

"How the-"

"You see, and this might sound cheesy to you" he interrupted, about to explain "When we were in the station. I heard the clashing of coins as you walked around and counted those coins by the sound. There was not a single soft sound which means that you didn't carry paper money which makes you poor"

"Hey!"

"I may have followed you to your house to count the distance plus the traffic jam. By counting the two resulted in the amount of coins you carried. That was a lot of coins, Willy, you might as well have carried paper money"

"Wait, you followed us? Why didn't you help?"

"I did, actually, I paid for your fare. Well, I mostly did it to show off"

"William found a Flash drive" interrupted Jane.

"Again?" asked Sherlock

"Yeah, I also brought old school detective stuff. Powder and a brush. Follow me to my office"

"Do what you gotta do"

I asked officer Heinz to hold the dog for us outside the office while we investigate and show Sherlock the message.

"Looks like he's happy to have his playmate back" said Sherlock. We spread white powder everywhere especially the floor to look for any prints. As expected- there were a ton of shoe prints. I asked everyone who entered the room recently to take off their shoes and check them out.

"Look at these shoe prints leading to the hidden room. They're different from ours" said I

"This means that there was someone else in here" said Sherlock

"No shit, Sherlock" said Jane "Sorry, I can't resist saying it"

"But look! The only prints that go outside are ours. The strange ones only went in"

"They're still inside" claimed Jane with her face slightly facing the hidden room. I was certain she heard something and had to make sure she did. The shoe prints disappeared inside, right in the middle.

"Did you hear something?" I asked

"Yes" she answered "They're still inside, but under us"

"So why haven't 'they' got out when we were out?" I asked

"Because they're waiting" implied Sherlock. I slowly walked to the room and found a part of the wall with a texture of weird feeling. It was the same texture as the rest, but it was less dustier. Looking closely, I saw four small blackened lines forming a small rectangle. I knew something was off. With a small prick of a finger I slightly tore it of to the other side. It was exetremely thin and weak. I tore it apart like paper, revealing a red button in the shape of an arrow pointing down. They wanted us to find the room and the button. I told officer Heinz to keep the dog for a while until we get back and called Sherlock and Jane to get in. The room was tight but had enough space for all three of us. With the press of the button, the floor of the hidden room elevated down, taking us to another very dark room. Without a clue, I felt a heavy bang on my head and next thing you know, I woke up in a small lit room, tied to a chair with a phone on my left and one on my right. Both of them on top of a table. Infront of me was a closed door.

"Hey? hello?" I grunted

"William?" I heard on the phone to my right, the voice of my wife.

"Jane!"

"Shit! I don't know what to do, where am I? The only thing I felt with me when I woke up was a phone"

"Hey!" I heard on my on the phone to my left, the voice of Sherlock "We got jumped"

That was when I realized that once more, I was in a fight or die situation.

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「「Just like old times - Cupcake/Moriarty」」