New Dawn

If we don't change the direction we are headed, we will end up where we are going--Chinese proverb.

We made love more than we made memories, that is where we go wrong, wee need time time away from each other but most remarkably she should stay a safe distance. I'm an explosive if she gets too near she'd explode, a ticking time bomb in practice.

I promised to love her all I can, I'm currently doing my best to be the one she wants but nagging me at the same time about opening up. My life's a wreck and she should be grateful for the much she knows. I won't come back from my past if I went there again. I'd only torture myself while pleasing her, maybe I shouldn't tell her the dark truth about my past. I can't change anything, I can't undo what's already happened, nor take back the words said aloud then.

Right now I'm trying to figure out what's the one right thing I might say to her when she comes back to me running after the demeanour at her house. Damn!

I hope she does.

I don't know what her parents must think of me after storming out of their prestigious house, maybe I'm reckless and don't deserve their pretty daughter, and I would soil her perfect record of life, everything was planned for her, I was just passing by. But honestly, whatever they think they know about me is non of my concern, I did nothing wrong just never said goodbye. Myriad of thoughts ran in my head as I recalled the stupid night.

FLASHBACK

The journey was smooth till I noticed her taking a left turn and down the tunnel to the outskirts of the city. I thought she only wanted to free drive till we had cooled and talked down what was ailing us. She had other ideas in her head. I trusted her and leaned back at the paasenget seat beside her, yawned and narrated a few details of my life I raked from my head. She was hard to read, I wasn't sure she was listening, she just kept agreeing to everything I was saying.

She drove so slow and controlled, I laid my head back and shut my damn eyes. I was tired of talking to an unresponsive Muffin.

Wish I had guessed she wanted to set me up with her filthy rich parents.

**

Charlotte was standing in front of the full body mirror, took handfuls of her long hair and twisted it into a bun and rested on top of her head,

"aaargh" she cussed and undid it, pulled it into a pony tail and smiled weakly rested it at the back of her head.

She again looked at her miserable reflection in the mirror, eyebugs and red eyes from too much weeping, she was sad but could not bring herself to accept he had done him such a thing, hurtful and disrespectful to her whole family who witnessed it. She loved him and her heart beat faster every time she thought of him and tears flowed freely cascading down her cheeks.

Splashing water on her face before applying make up to conceal her swollen eyes. She was crying because she felt wasted, he had used her for love and abandoned her, was he thinking of her like she was thinking of him, waiting for him to love her again, she had come to a resolution that she wasn't going back after this day. It was the most important day and he knew that, she was fearfully hoping with earnestness that he'd show up. It was her pageant today.

She was washing the sleep and all regret from her eyes and exhaled. Dried her face slowly and started applying lip gloss on her soft pink lips. She was beautiful without much make up on, just lip gloss and she was good to go.

She hadn't understood what scared him, her parents hadn't even spoken to him that much after making acquaintances. She was happy he'd come, but of course his dark angel came back to life and drove him to spoil everything.

"Are you ready yet?" came her mother's sweet voice behind her bedroom door after tapping on it twice softly.

"Just a minute" she said standing upright and adjusted her figure hugging pink dress, damn she was glowing from head to toe. Her mother would do her hair, she let her in.

"Baby, you are beautiful, don't settle for anything less than perfection." she understood and nodded, she knew what her mother was referring to. Felt sad but it was true he was wasting time with her, maybe he'd gotten what he wanted and was on his way.

Her hair was magnificent when her mum showed it to her, she was an artist when it came to hair styling, she had made waves that flowed all the way past her daughter's shoulders, turned her around and hugged her. She had been transformed into the cheerful daughter she always is.

Today she had no time to defend vices of her other half. It was his weird behavior that made her think she never knew him at all, he wasn't capable of running, I mean who runs away, him, that's who.

It was always them against the world ad this case, it was them against her parents,but it was not disrespect, she just wanted to hold on till he came clear and say what's boggling him. Today wasn't the day.

She was pretty and had two most loving parents who supported her endeavors and dreams and he was her dream apparently she seems not well versed with. Was she desperate? The thought hit her hard.

She was a girl who was destined for great things, a young woman whom it seems he didn't deserve. She had gotten entangled after a few sweet words well marinated with what she wanted to hear, he always knew the right words to say at a particular time. Words fell of his lips and she was head over heels for him, but now everything is hazy and he was the wrong person to think of a future with. He was always hiding his heartfelt desires, was short tempted and dismissive at every chance he got, he wasnt easy to talk to but she knew him and knew which buttons to press, they make a beautiful mess together, made for each other.

She sank in the back seat of her mother's Range Rover and pulled out of the driveway, her mum was looking at her every now and then and gave her a reassuring smile.

"Hope you good back there?" She inquired and Charlotte was just smiling patting her lap nervous she might see him today, her heart beat escalated and she blew out a breath.

**

It's been a long boring two weeks since I stormed out of her life. I had decided since she neither called or texted maybe I should go out and manually look for her, I'm sure she's back at her house. It was 10am and the weather was friendly today, the sun was warmly shining down to us. I had met a quote that made me change my mind about letting her go so easily, from Peaky Blinders, it read

"We both lost something, you lost me, I lost time." It has been haunting me, I wasn't fair leaving without an explanation, but it was stupid so I decided against asking for forgiveness.

I have tried so much to ignore what I feel but it's evident all over me, I have only showered a couple, I feel like a bag of old blood. I'm becoming thinner since I haven't been eating regularly, just downing whisky down my throat and black out, next day I wake up and repeat. She haunts me every day, everything reminds me of her, her make up kit on my table, the t-shirts she sleeps in smell like her. I sleep holding onto them daily so just I could grasp a few minutes of peaceful sleep but it's not that easy. She haunts me and I deserve every ounce of pain that comes with it.

My ego swells and wouldn't agree with me talking to her since I had already dropped off her car back at her house, I know she must hate but am not even sure how well I will explain anything to her.

I'm too confused. The problem is my mouth will always go against what my mind displays in my head and coming up with some crude remark and clever jokes.

Life happens, if she can shut that story in book that we won't ever revisit then I guess we can talk of a life together. I won't force her to understand, it's her life anyway, I don't know why I think so negatively that she will leave me. So I tried to accept the things I can't change and change those I can. I want to be a better person for her, we have never really fought that much in the past months we've been together.

My mind is most probably playing games with me, a car passed outside the Unity Building when I glanced at it, a pull so strong had directed me to look at the car, not that I knew the owner but it felt satisfying looking at it.

My soul needs asylum. She is the home to my heart and soul, she is where I wanted to be. The black Range sped off almost immediately when I peeled my eyes off it. "Damn!" I cussed under my breath and sipped my coffee, today was the day she had hinted about a beauty pageant she was hosting, but damn it must be coming to an end in a few hours, maybe she's gone.

I was clad in unusual black button up shirt with cufflinks and a fitting trouser, I lest out the tie, it annoyed me while tying it, it choked me too much and threw it in the pocket of my jacket. I placed the bill under the serviette and draped the damn jacket on, hopped onto my car I just got from the garage, its brand new parts and fresh black paint were a killing whenever it appeared. My Mustang.

I checked my watch once again, it was 11am. Time flies. I thought and revved the machine to life, just a few minutes drive from my location to where the pageant was. I hit play and the playlist manifested and scrolled down while waiting for the light to go green. I played All My Tears by Ane Brun.

I thought about her parents when I halted outside The Trove as the place was called, I shook away the thought and stared ahead, I had something in the trunk that I wanted so much to deliver to her, a letter I had written a while back but replaced most of the words and tried hiding the ugly parts with satire and irony. It was a bad idea if I went in abruptly. What if I meet her parents, how awkward would it be, but right now her parents are not my priority, she is my mission.

Tonight I should sleep a happy man, my eyes still bloodshot when I spotted a small band at the centre of the vast room with big silver chandeliers, lights glowing till I came eye to eye with her. My heart skipped a beat and my lips trembled, I felt a pang in my heart. From where I stood, she seemed happier, was she even bothered?

She was pretty and wasn't the kind of person who fell for a guy like me, too recklessly, the kind of girl who wouldn't even give you a side glance from a car but she is mine, me, she chose me. She is a princess who'd kissed the right frog--me.

She had a life well planned but here I was with all my time and energy busy jeopardising every detail, a life with all she wanted, even me with all my drama.