Love gone bad

We keep falling for someone even when there's no guarantee that our feelings will be reciprocated, still we devote our time and effort to love someone with all our hearts even when that person is not ourselves. We hope that when we open our eyes they'll be there, the bottom line is we really can't do anything when we like someone, there is no known remedy to stop what you feel for someone.

Come to think of it, life is a battle against yourself. I am torn.

The best feeling in the world is knowing someone is by your side., too bad I had none. Now all I had to do was send a prayer upward.

I took out my notebook and scribbled a few words then shut it,

I know you have given your all please stay beside me. I rarely read what I have written, it's an outlet when I have something to say but no one to say to. Was she enjoying being away from me? Some people take pleasure in other people's misfortunes. I had thought of all the scenarios to hate or understand why she left me. What wrong did I do to her to make me a victim of love, in fact we both found 'her' at my apartment, I never sent her there, I wasn't stupid to jeopardise us.

I became a perfect collateral, why did she just disappear, maybe time will heal us both, I was still in pursuit of our relationship but scared. Now I had to draw the line in the sand just in case. If she doesn't come into the line I've drawn, I won't have to be hurt or hurt anyone myself and I'll be alone. This had to come to a mutual agreement.

I could smell a reckon in the coming burning beyond the grave.

After those many days of hiding and healing in my dark apartment, I had to breathe air free of depression and sombre moods, have sun rays fall on my face and enjoy their warmth, that's what I'd like. To ride my bike down the road and let the breeze slap my face and reboot my mind. A natural miracle not farfetched. I sped down the road.

The chill air travelled down into my lungs and inflated them to life with each intake, slowly I breathed to calm myself down, thoughts that had clogged cleared and the fog in my head immensely reduced. I could now think more clearly. Since she left, I was hanging on to a memory but I had to let go.

"Watch it loser!" an angry driver honked severally and I swerved away from the road, I hit the brakes so hard that I nearly lost balance, tyres screeching and stopped, I heard a tyre burst but it wasn't mine so I don't care, dust raised and there was a temporary invisibility.

Damn! I cussed under my breath, I was on the road but my head was elsewhere, thinking of her.

"One day you will make a mistake and when you do brother, I will be there to indulge in the undeniable pleasure and sweet satisfaction of I told you so." The words echoed loudly in my head today, this cold conversation with my elder brother a few weeks ago when I met my Muffin. He had told me I'd feel it, I couldn't understand then. Now meaning showed, I was weak. It was a conversation I now recall as a foreshadowing of my life and I didn't take it that seriously.

Things fell apart too soon. All I need right now is for my sad memories to be wiped out, hope the scientists have found a way. I need memory extinction because this is getting harder and harder with each passing second.

She had given me something supernatural, something sweet that I hesitate to swallow, I won't spit it out either. I would kill to feel that again. She gave me life.

You know when they say, if you love someone you let them go or whatever fucked up shit they did to put that a damned meme, if I love someone, I hold with both my hands, my feet too. I was not going to sit on my bum and watch her leave me. One thing is for sure though, I won't chase more than my ego can allow. The fear of being alone was gripping me.

**

We were watching the first season of Love Alarm when Muffin came off me and stood excited by something I wasn't aware of. She was smiling at me knowingly and spoke proudly tilting her head happily.

"Let's go on your bike, and speed in the highway and feel our troubles leaving our bodies" It was more of a question to me than a suggestion, so I shook my head, well that's just me. I was enjoying my time with here right here on the couch, but anyways she was 'the man' of the house. We did just that. I jumped out to get the demon out of the garage. I pulled it easily and stared away.

I was standing beside my bike with the afternoon sun as the companion, waiting for Muffin on Thursday. She had come up with a plan to get us out of the house so I stood impatiently and kept musically tapping my foot on the floor, she got out with her Converse on her feet, something luminous green and looked like a small vest or a big whatever it was covering her bosom and mid stomach, sweatpants as usual and she strolled towards the bike. Her face shone with her killer smile that melts anger in me.

As soon as she hopped on, we were riding so slowly into the road, then we gained speed with each passing second. I will ride her brains out. She was clinging to me when I jolted the bike forward each time and I loved every single cling. She was shouting sometimes in my ears and I nodded then sped away.

"How about we go to the beach. It is a local lake just in the outskirts of town" her fame gleamed from the sunset's glow. She was an angel. She nodded and we took a left turn at the 2.2 mile road junction. Weird name.

Fish was being roasted and deep fried and wafted its deliciousness and aroma in the air, it was just the perfect timing, my stomach grumbled. We grabbed a table at the corner for a better view of the lake. It was the last table in this makuti hotel style. Fish was served hot as the stew for local delicacy called Ugali. Damn, it was sweet yet strange. It was East African originally but now found in menus all over the world. Fried fish, well fried with onions and tomatoes,.

We ate greedily and watched the lake over club soda.

"How did you know so many exciting places?" she was all jumpy and smiling and turning her head around to inspect the beauty of the shore, the people, the food, the simple culture yet fascinating.

"I know a lot of places" I said in a matter-of-factly and she swatted at my arm playfully, laughing and throwing her head back. I stared and admired her beautiful face, dimples showing, she made me weak.

"Where is the next destination?" She asked as we settled the bills and headed out after thanking the attendant. I ignored her whining and opened the door for her of the main entrance. This place had one central entrance, how tricky and convenient.

We rode at a slower pace this time, just sitting on the bike reminiscing of the day, memories made with her. She laid her beautiful head on my back and held onto me tighter, I had to donate my jacket to her. She was already shaking visibly.

The ride was the best I had in a long time, I need her with me always. She makes everything seem so simple and satisfying, she kept praising the fish till we brought some take away. A wise woman.

Now these memories I wish to wipe away will cause me pain but why fear the unknown. It might kill me to lose her and I wasn't even in the position of thinking of losing her. The thought alone cripples me.

I had thought of going back to the cabin and walk and walk in the same routes we walked on with her. I need a reason to let her go but I can't find any.

My ended as I got back to the house. I flipped on the lights and threw myself on the couch and sank in it. I need sleep now more than ever. I had been wasting away lying to myself I was going through a healing process. Pure madness though. There is no known way to stop your heart from liking or loving someone.