Conversations

<p>I had been starved to much from being loved that it felt different when she came back, not that I'm complaining but I was already on my way to recovery from the shock that hit me after she left. I stared at the walls for days till I felt like I couldn't think straight anymore. Now that's she's here, I have to work to make this work, this on and off game is not so profitable. It hurts both of us without knowing, my revenge was already in play, but now that's wasted energy, shit!<br/><br/>I confess, I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me but that now feels like hurting myself, i swear to hurt anyone who hurts her, I have to keep her away from harms way, but how I could I do that when I was the one hurting her? Billion dollar question right there. I want her to be happy, but at the same time want her not to be loved by other people, it feels like I'm not loving her enough. I hope she knows that I cry at night when she isn't there to calm myself when my demons chase me, I hope she is aware that I feel empty when she is not talking to me. I feel lonely when she doesn't hold me in her arms.<br/><br/>Her face was glistening from sweat produced by our tangled up bodies, I really had to hit the bathroom, I felt overweight from the sadness I was carrying inside, I had to let go, is not that easy to forget everything that happened and start a new chapter. We are the same characters from previous chapters in our love story, we are the heroes and villains, no one but us could save us. We were messed up, but knew how to handle our shit. Both of us are used to each other, boring as it is.<br/><br/>She saved me and I owe her my entire life, without her I couldn't have made peace with my demons, I couldn't have found love. She taught me all there is to know about love. A goddess of love. <br/><br/>"I wasn't sure how I felt when you came back, was ready to move on, it felt like I was breaking. I thought I'd vomit to be honest." I blurted and those eyes I had seen before were looking at me accusingly and unblinking. She wanted to say something, her mouth twitched. But she was silent, it was like I had to monitor her unsaid vibration and figure what she wanted to say. She stared longingly for me to continue. <br/><br/>"I make you feel like vomiting? I should leave? Or you already found a better one and can't say fearing you'll hurt me?"<br/><br/> Questions poured and I immediately regretted ever saying those words. What's wrong with me spoiling every chance I get to be with her. I had hurt her more than enough times and the urge to hurt her was growing again. I don't really understand myself sometimes. She was all I wanted at the same time hurting her would calm me. <br/><br/>"I don't mean it that way, I meant it was a relief when you came and forgive me for taking it for granted, I don't know what came over me..." I was breaking down like a silly boy whose toy had been snatched from him. I was weak. She was my strength and if she leaves again I would die. I wasn't ready to have sleeplessness nights of terror. <br/><br/>" Come here" She patted the bed and I slid in her arms like the baby I am. Sobbing. <br/><br/>"It will all come to a quick end, give us a chance, we have to work together babe." I felt relief washing over me. I thanked her, hugging her so tight. I was meek. I felt foolish for a second. I sniffed her in and let her fragrance calm me <br/><br/>"Now let's go into that shower and wash away this sadness." A fresh start. <br/><br/>***<br/>"When was the last time you felt anything like this, this cozy with someone?" My long time friend Mike asked me the moment I picked up my phone. I had just informed him about us getting back together and was delighted. <br/><br/>"Honestly, since the extinction of dinosaurs, now my heart feels lighter bro." I could imagine him smiling on the other side. <br/><br/>"So what do you say we just go out for drinks this Saturday?" I was about to decline downright but it was my idea only unspoken. <br/><br/>"Sounds perfect, same time same place?" We had a usual venue we frequented. I'm sure he'll show up broad smiled with some girl he just picked on the streets or maybe he sobered up and got a wife for a change in his miserable life. I remember he had blurted about separation from whomever he was dating a few months back. <br/><br/>"So anyway who's the lucky girl?" I asked as a matter of fact, but his jokes never knew when to be serious about anything in particular. <br/><br/>"Some girl who I know nothing about, she works as a travel agent, works all day and barely has time to answer her phone" I guessed that wasn't a lie or a joke either. He's being serious for once. <br/><br/>"Made some progress huh? No pun intended. What's her name, at least you must have gotten her name or else it would be rude." <br/><br/>"I nod my head when she tells me about her day and pretend to be listening even though I'm just pretending to be listening." <br/><br/>I could not hide my laugh. Mike was a guy I wasn't ready to take seriously when it came to his commitment or otherwise settling down eventually, this I had to see with my own eyes, it would require a lot more than divine intervention to keep him in his right state of mind and not storm off. Honestly I don't know Mike that much, men don't become that open with one another, I guess is just too much testosterone or whatever. <br/><br/>Life on my side was just beginning to unfold new years ahead, years really? Let's hoep for the best, she was mine and now that she's here, let's try to mend fences, be open and let love take its own course. I'm fully committed. <br/><br/>What if I was the only one seeing us glued all this while? What if her mind changes and decides to pull all the unfortunate things I did, all the unfair treatments? Now this is what I'm not in favor of, being ruled by dark intrusive thoughts when clearly we've made a step past that. <br/><br/>That was then. I have to focus on the now. <br/><br/>Sounds good. <br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>