CHAPTER 53: I'M SORRY

Hmmm…. This is awkward….

Let me paint it for you.

It's currently four in the afternoon, right? My family usually have tea and snacks during this time of day and we'd talk and maybe play a little games and whatnot, right?

Now, today, we have me, sitting on the only long couch big enough for me and Chuck who sits beside me. Staring at my grandparents who sit across from us, smiling so widely I'm afraid they'd pull a face muscle or something.

And then there's Bianca who has been staring at my face like she wants to chew on it and then spit it out to be gnawed upon by the neighbor dogs.

There's also Ari and Aro. My twin brothers, little shits, as CHuck calls them and I have to agree with him on this one because they keep whispering to each other while giving side eyes at me and Chuck.

Who, may I point out, does nothing to help the situation by casually hugging me from behind and pulling me so I lean sideways and half my body is on him in a very awkward, but surprisingly not uncomfortable, way.

"How was the trip?" grandpa Johnny asked, eyes trying to search mine while I try my best not to avoid but it's so damn hard when you're eaten by guilt.

Chuck keeps nudging me and urges me to relax because I feel so tense. I keep giving him glares but he either doesn't understand or just ignoring them altogether which is more likely because he's Chuck.

"This is awkward and annoying and you should be ashamed of yourself," Bianca directed the last part to me, of course. But at least she didn't spit them out like I thought she would. She didn't look as furious as I imagined also.

"Yeah…" I fidget and lift my head up and try to give my grandparents something that I hope resembles a smile.

When their smiles widen, I can't help but sigh in relief.

"You should unpack first. And wash up," grandma Allison says, smiling, "any plans for the rest of the day?" She looks at both me and Chuck.

"I'm planning to drop by Ma Linda's place to drop some gifts…" I tell them slowly.

"That's good," grandpa Johnny nods, "she misses you," he adds as he gets up.

"Go up and clean up. Dinner will be ready by the time you come back, I suppose," grandma Allison also stands up while Aro, Ari and Bianca remain where they are, staring at the four of us with a little less interest but more in amusement.

"Let's go," I take Chuck's hand and bolt out of the living room so fast I think I left my heart there.

"Slow down," the chuckle from behind me just makes me more annoyed. So I yank him to the front and kick his butt as we enter my room. His yelp is a beautiful song.

I grin and stare at him before turning to study the room where I haven't slept in in years.

It's a lot smaller than my room at uni. Only java one double bed, a wardrobe and a desk with an old wooden chair. Nothing of mine seems to be present because when we moved, it was the last week before I have to report to uni. So I unpacked nothing. The boxes, it seemed, were then put away by my grandparents in the outdoor storage. I don't think I need anything from there, though.

"Where's the gift for Ma Linda?" Chuck asks, rummaging through our luggages.

"Don't remember," I admit because I did just throw them in the luggage when I pack. I shrug and grin at Chuck who throws a pillow at my head.

"Should we call the others tonight and hang out there?" I ask him, still rummaging while me, my lazy ass me is sitting comfortably on my bed, not even bothering to help Chuck. But he's not complaining, so, whatever. Heheheh.

"We have four days to hangout, we should spend tonight's dinner at home," Chuck says, looking up at me. "We can play by the beach tomorrow, after you settle things with Bianca, at least. She holds grudges, you know," Chuck informs me with a grin though his tone is as serious as ever.

I feel ashamed, to say the least. I really don't know how I should talk to my sister. Or my brothers. It has been more than three years since we last saw each other. Sure we talked on the phone, but those are mostly courtesy calls on my part.

I sigh and close my eyes when I feel Chuck approaches me and sits on the bed only to proceed side-hugging me tightly. He pulls me to lie on the bed, patting my arm gently to calm me down. "Let's go," Chuck says after a while. I sigh and nodded before getting up, pulling him with me.

I take thi gifts for Ma Linda and the rest of the pub's crew and walk outside with Chuck after saying bye to grandma and grandpa, only to find Bianca is already outside by the wall, leaning against it with all her teenage rebellion.

At least she didn't dye her hair blue or something.

"Whatsup?" I greet her awkwardly and she stares at me with annoyance.

"Were you fucking? What took you so long?" her accusation is not what did me in, but her choice of words.

"Where'd you learn to speak like that?" I am horrified. I think I had a heart attack. She rolls her eyes and grabs my arm.

"I'm 13," she drags me before signaling to Chuck to stay far away behind.

"Not an excuse," I tell her sternly.

"Wasn't making one," she scoffs, still dragging me.

"Stop dragging me," I halt my steps, making her stop and look at me, staring at me. Her eyes bear no hatred, but still gives me some goosebumps for how stern they're looking at me. I feel cold sweats trickling down my back. I never knew I could be this scared of a thirteen year old girl.

"Finally found your courage?" she mocks, crossing her arms. She looks bigger than she actually is. Mostly because of her bearing. She looks so mature it almost makes me ashamed. She's way shorter than me but she looks taller somehow.

I'm about to open my mouth but she cuts me off with a wave of her hand and a glare, "Don't bother apologizing. You don't even know your mistake," she turns around and continues walking, leaving me behind to stare at her back, blinking in confusion.

"I don't?" I catch up to her after a few beats.

"Otherwise you'd be here the first holiday after going to uni."

"Bianca, stop," I grab her arm and make her turn around so that we're face to face. She stares at me and smirks, probably for seeing how my expression is full of worry and unease.

"Brother mine," she starts, releasing my grip from her arm, "whatever you think of, you're completely wrong, as always." she smiles a little kinder this time, while patting my own arm which hangs awkwardly between me and her.

When I say nothing and just stares at her with all my dumbness, she sighs and massages her forehead like a fifty year old she must have been feeling right now, "Do you really need me to spell it for you? Really?" she groans.

"No…?" I hesitate, half embarrassed, half annoyed.

We stare at each other for the longest time before Bianca opens her mouth and starts firing me with suppressed anger and sadness and disappointment and pain and everything else a 13 year old shouldn't have to go through.

"You didn't kill mom and dad. You have nothing to do with their death. Despite what you believe, no one blamed you. No one. Not even Aro and Ari. You go and think the worst of people and it hurts. You think i'll be so selfish to think that i'm the only one who lost her parents? You lost them too, Lee. they're your parents too and to think that you think you need to go away and never come back because you think that we won't want you here anymore hurts the most. We needed you. More than ever then. But you left and that shit hurts and it's so fucked up and i hate you for leaving and for dumping all this shit on me. Aro and ari were too young and i was young too, Lee, in case you forgot. But you left and that leaves me dealing with the twins' questions about where mom and dad are and explaining deaths is never easy and it's just worse when you have to explain it to your younger siblings when you're just as young and have not fully grasped what it was like to continue living without parents.

"And grandma and grandpa were there but they were also hurting and they're old and they just lost their daughter and their son and then they lost you too, Lee. You were never guilty of our parents' death. But you were for leaving," she heaves and trembles and tears stream down her face and mine also, it seems, because I can feel someone wiping them. Chuck, it seems, has decided to catch up to us.

"I'm sorry," I manage to choke it out.

I'm sorry for everything.

Everything I did and didn't do.

I'm sorry for running away.

I'm sorry for being a coward.

I;m sorry for being a bad brother.

I'm Sorry for being a bad grandson.

I'm sorry for being a bad son.

I'm sorry.