CHAPTER 26: WHAT A STRUGGLE

I holed up in my room for two days after Liam's party. The reason being a; I was definitely, honestly, truthfully, evidently, inevitably sick. I had a high fever for a day and half before it slowly went down and reason b; because I am not ready to meet Allen, or anyone else for that matter.

What am I going to say to him anyway when I meet him?

'Hey Allen! Nice fuck! How are you?' kinda thing?

That's just absurd.

Call me a coward or anything. I am not meeting him. Not now. Not ever.

Well, not 'not ever', but, you know. What do one say after epically screw up and fuck their friend's boyfriend? No. I'm not gonna see him for now.

Fortunately for me, Chuck, being the ever so over protective best friend of mine, won't let anyone come to see me. Not even the boys from the old gang, let alone the people hiring me.

Chuck stays with me all the time. He only went back to his dorm once to get his clothes. He didn't even go to practice (which I feel bad about since he's the captain). He insisted and well, I'm selfishly, secretly, glad that he did, though.

I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid of being alone. I don't know what I'll do if I'm left alone in that state right then.

Not to be dramatic, but I'm really, very fragile then.

It's the third day now. I'm feeling much better. Physically at least. Mentally? I'm a wreck, to say the least.

I gather what courage and willpower left in me and haul my ass to the bathroom to finally take a shower, change my clothes and eat breakfast with Chuck like a normal 20 something years old healthy boy and to continue living my life like I'm supposed to and forget about the calamity that is waiting for me. It's currently seven in the morning and I have a lot of things to catch up to. Starting with band practice. Drama practice as well as decoration making (for the festival, fashion show, music competition, and charity concert).

"Fuck! Why do I have to get sick at this time of all times?" I groan as Chuck and I step inside the elevator. My foot tapping the floor impatiently.

"Maybe it's the universe's way of telling you to take it easy?" Chuck shrugs and I roll my eyes at him.

"Well, universe's timing sucks," I retort.

"Marsha's coming back today," Chuck says slowly from behind me. I immediately turn to face him, eyes wide open. He scratches the back of his head, avoiding my eyes for obvious reasons namely, guilt.

"You told her I was sick..." I say between my teeth, trying not to knee his groin. He's not answering. "What did you do that for? She's with Kenneth, for fuck's sake! They haven't seen each other in so long, how could you?" I bark at him.], sounding more harsh than I meant to.

"Kenneth's the one who told Sha to come back," Chuck tells me, trying to contain his own anger. "He cares about you. Just so you know," He barks back at me harshly.

"That's all the more reason to not tell them!" I say exasperatedly, throwing my hands up, getting overly animated and overly dramatic, surely.

"I was scared! Okay!" Chuck finally loses it and screams at me. "You were sick!" he pokes my chest with his index finger. That actually kinda hurt. "You rarely got sick! And when you do, it's always serious!"

"It wasn't! Not this time!" I retort, not wanting to lose. He stepped over the line by telling Marsha and Kenneth about me.

"I didn't know that!" Chuck throws his hands up dramatically. "You know it always scares the living daylight out of me whenever you're sick!"

"That doesn't justify you telling them! You're making me the bad guy here!"

"That's not my intention! You know that!"

"I still feel like it! What are you going to do about it, huh?" I challenge him unreasonably like the five year old I am.

"Ehem...." An awkward cough interrupts our fight and we immediately turn our heads towards the elevator door that's already opened and stays open as Allen (dear God he's as mesmerizing as always) holds it so it stays open. I'm still pissed at Chuck (which is good because the thoughts of Allen, on top of me, moaning my name, is threatening to slip inside my mind again when he stands there looking all handsome and tall and just...) so I just gave him the bare acknowledgement.

I turn back to Chuck who's also still as pissed as me. "You! Follow me and I'll break your freakin' neck!" I hiss at him before stomping away. "Hi Allen," I manage to force a small smile as I brush past him.

Chuck is not following me. I hear them exchanging greetings while I storm away. I don't bother to look back. I'm still pissed. I fish my phone out of my bag and immediately call Marsha. Her phone's off. She's probably still in the plane so I try calling Kenneth. His phone's off too. What time is it in London now? My head's too hot to calculate properly so I give up and send them texts instead. Apologizing in Chuck's place as proper as I can in this pissed off state I'm currently in.

At this moment, I really want to claw someone's face off. Just for the sake of it. Terrible, ain't I? But the day's still young. It can get better. I can get better.

I know I'm shifting my feelings, namely guilt, at Chuck. I know it's not fair to him and I should really apologize even though I do feel slightly mad at him for telling on me to Marsha. Now I have to face my problems in front of more people and I don't know whether I'm ready for it or not.

My emotions is all over the place right now. I am terrified, disappointed (mostly in myself), angry (mostly at Chuck), not to emotion the guilt that is eating me alive. But the day has just started. So, I hope it can get better. I really hope it will get better.