Chapter 8: Ned Chapter

Xavier: Melanie? Melanie please you have to get up!

For the next 2 days, Melanie had been in a coma from blood loss. This time... this time, however, the blood loss seemed more serious. We tried everything, shaking her, playing nature ASMR into her ear, and even attempting the most forbidden of forbidden techniques.

Xavier: Melanie please... if you get up, I'll accept whatever canon you want!

Ned: SHE'S NOT WAKING UP DIPSHIT.

Xavier: Ahhhhhhh.

I fell over onto the ground as I heard the familiar voice. Next to me, I could hear Fiona and Paula audibly groan.

Xavier: Ne... Ned?

Ned: THAT'S RIGHT DIPSHIT. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR DAYS OFF BECAUSE GUESS WHO'S BACK BABY? NOW WITH MELANIE IN A COMATOSE STATE, IT IS I, NED, WHO WILL BE RETURNING AS HOST OF SILLY HUMANS BWHAHAHAHAHA

Fiona, Paula, Xavier: Urgh...

Paula: What, did your dad take away your smartphone so you can't play gatchas anymore? I know for a fact you can't get over the addiction that fast.

Ned: ... FUCK YOU, GO DIE IN A HOLE

As he said that, a hole did in fact appear right under the 4 of us.

-1 hole fall later-

Ned: MWHAHAHAHAHAHA WELCOME BACK EVERYONE TO THE NED SHOW!!!!!

His words concerned me greatly as unlike the previous times when Melanie was unconscious from blood loss, she had still not woken up and was still sleeping with a dumb grin on her face as we arrived at the arena.

Xavier: Say Paula, what should we do about...

Ned: QUIET DIPSHIT. TO MAKE UP FOR MY MISSING OUT ON AN ENTIRE TRIAL, THIS TRIAL WILL HAVE 2 TIMES THE NED DIALOGUE.

Xavier: Wh...

Ned: ALRIGHT SO FOR THIS TRIAL, THE REMAINING TEAMS WILL BE DOING A WRITING CHALLENGE. AND MMM... SINCE I'M PRETTY SURE MELANIE DIDN'T ELIMINATE A SINGLE TEAM LAST ROUND, THIS TIME WE WILL BE ELIMINATING 2 TEAMS. I THINK THAT'S HOW THE MATH WORKS. ANYWAYS, FOR TODAY'S CHALLENGE THAT I 100% INVENTED MYSELF WITH NO OUTSIDE SOURCE HELP, EACH TEAM WILL BE GIVEN A PIECE OF PAPER. 4 DESKS WILL THEN BE GIVEN TO EACH TEAM. AFTERWARDS, A PAPER AND PENCIL WILL BE GIVEN TO THE FIRST MEMBER IN THE ROW OF DESKS. THAT PERSON WILL WRITE EXACTLY 2 PARAGRAPHS, 3-5 SENTENCES IN LENGTH. A PROCTOR WILL THEN GRAB YOUR PAPER. DO NOT DURING THIS TIME OR ANYTIME DURING THE TRIAL, TALK. AFTER 20 MINUTES, THE PROCTOR WILL THEN COPY ONLY THE LAST SENTENCE OF THE 2 PARAGRAPHS OF THE STORY THE FIRST PERSON WROTE AND THEN PASS IT TO THE NEXT PERSON WHO WILL ALSO WRITE 2 PARAGRAPHS IN 20 MINUTES. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? IT'S EASIER FOR THE AUDIENCE BECAUSE I HAVE PROVIDED A GRAPHIC AT HOME EXPLAINING THE EXACT INSTRUCTIONS

Paula: This is unoriginal.

Ned: WHAT NO IT'S NOT IT'S LITERALLY...

Paula: The S.A.T.S

Ned: ...

Paula: And also a mix with Gartic Phone? I've seen the same v-tuber streams, Ned! You can't hide who you are forever!

Ned:..................... .............................................

-Around 27 minutes later-

I stared intensely at Paula who had about a minute left of writing to do if the tv screen clock above my head were to be trusted.

Xavier: Okay... if I'm going to co-write something with Paula...

Proctor: Hey! No talking!

Xavier: Sorry

Xavier in thought: Okay, if I'm going to co-write something with Paula, I have to think about what sort of narrative she would write.

This was especially important because, unlike the other teams that had all 4 of their desks filled, our 4th desk was empty as Melanie is still unconscious. Thankfully Ned gave us a pass and Paula's just going to write twice. I feel like this is for sure an advantage for us but whatever I'll take it.

Ned: ALRIGHT, THE FIRST ROUND OF WRITING IS NOW COMPLETE. PROCTORS, YOU MAY TAKE THE SHEETS OF PAPER FROM THE FIRST WRITERS AND COPY THE LAST SENTENCE OF THE 2ND PARAGRAPH.

I gulped as the tiki mask alien protector nodded and began walking towards me. Really, what possibly could Paula have written about? Life as a criminal? A guide to street prices? The 10 dumbest fellow criminals I have ever met? I don't know, maybe it wouldn't be so personal. Yeah, but it's much easier to write stories about things you're familiar with in your own life right? I hope she's smart and the last sentence somewhat summarizes the story without breaking the flow. Well, at least she's from Miami so she'll know all the local slang. That will be pretty important from a consistency perspective. I'll know what she's talking about. Confidently, I looked down at the sentence written.

"And thus began the story of my greatest Christmas ever."

...

...

...

Xavier in thoughts: What the fuck...

Proctor: Hey no swearing!

Xavier in thoughts: But these are my thoughts.

Proctor: Doesn't matter we have kids watching.

Xavier in thoughts: This is so inconsistent.

Whatever, I couldn't think too hard about it, especially with the clock above my head continuously running. I took a deep breath and gave my best attempt at proper prose

And thus began the story of my greatest Christmas ever.

For you see, I had never been to the North Pole. But there he was, the jolly fat man in all his glory. It was everything I had ever imagined it would be, the smell of candy canes, the reindeer, and the factory, just like every one of those cartoon Christmas specials I had watched as a kid. You know the one every American cartoon has? Yeah, those.

Anyways, as I'm standing in awe, Santa suddenly looks my way and walks closer to me. "Why hello there," he says, "you must be the new recruit! We've been waiting for you please please, let me introduce you to everyone. As I walked into the toy factory there they were. Thousands and thousands of elves.

Ned: OKAY TIMES UP PLEASE PROCTORS TAKE THE PIECES OF PAPER AND RECORD THE LAST SENTENCE OF THE SECOND PARAGRAPH FOR THE NEXT PERSON.

Xavier: Wait no I wasn't done...

Proctor: I swear to god dipshit if you talk one more fucking time I will peg you harder than Melanie ever could.

Xavier: ...

Whelp nothing else to do I guess then hope Fiona and Paula catch a general drift of where I was going.

-1 hour and many filler stories later-

Ned: OKAY SO, LAST BUT NOT LEAST, WE HAVE PLANET 4'S STORY TITLED... "THE NIGHTMARE ON ELF STREET."

Xavier: Wait what?! We're just skipping straight to us?

Ned: IF YOU WOULD LIKE XAVIER, I WILL TELL AGAIN THE MOBIUS SIBLINGS' STORY TITLED "A BILLY AND A BOY" IF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO.

Xavier: No No! Nevermind nevermind. Also what the fuck, why does our story have a horror movie parody title, Paula?

Paula: What? Because it's a horror story that's why, didn't you catch my drift with the last sentence?

Xavier: What? No... you wrote...

Ned: SHUT UP THAT'S SPOILERS. ANYWAYS I'LL JUST BEGIN. THE NIGHTMARE ON ELF STREET BY PLANET 4.

AHEM

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A MAN NAMED RAVIER WHO WAS VERY VERY AFRAID OF ELVES. HE WAS SO AFRAID IN FACT THAT HE COULD NOT WATCH ANY OF THE CHRISTMAS CARTOON SPECIALS ON TELEVISION. YOU KNOW THE KIND... THE KIND THAT EVERY AMERICAN CARTOON HAS. NOR COULD HE EVEN WATCH ANY MOVIES WITH WILL FERRELL IN THEM BECAUSE THEY REMINDED HIM TOO MUCH OF BUDDY THE ELF.

"MOM!" HE SHOUTED. "I HOPE I NEVER SEE ELVES IN MY LIFETIME." YOU SEE, YOUNG RAVIER ALWAYS HAD THIS RECURRING DREAM OF BEING TURNED INTO A SOULLESS ELF AFTER SANTA CLAUS FORCED HIM TO WATCH THE MOVIE "ELF" STARRING WILL FERRELL UNTIL HE WOULD EVENTUALLY SEE HIMSELF AS WILL FERRELL AND THUS AN BUDDY THE ELF. HIS MOTHER WAS NOT WORRIED THOUGH AS SHE SMILED AT HIM PUTTING A HAND ON HIS SHOULDER. "DON'T WORRY SWEETY." SHE SAID, "THERE WILL BE NO ELVES IN THIS STORY." AND THUS BEGAN THE STORY OF MY GREATEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

FOR YOU SEE, I HAD NEVER BEEN TO THE NORTH POLE. BUT THERE HE WAS, THE JOLLY FAT MAN IN ALL HIS GLORY. IT WAS EVERYTHING I HAD EVER IMAGINED IT WOULD BE, THE SMELL OF CANDY CANES, THE REINDEER, AND THE FACTORY, JUST LIKE EVERY ONE OF THOSE CARTOON CHRISTMAS SPECIALS I HAD WATCHED AS A KID. YOU KNOW THE ONE EVERY AMERICAN CARTOON HAS? YEAH, THOSE.

ANYWAYS, AS I'M STANDING IN AWE, SANTA SUDDENLY LOOKS MY WAY AND WALKS CLOSER TO ME. "WHY HELLO THERE," HE SAYS, "YOU MUST BE THE NEW RECRUIT! WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU PLEASE PLEASE, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO EVERYONE. AS I WALKED INTO THE TOY FACTORY THERE THEY WERE. THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF ELVES.

THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF ELVES WHO TERRIFIED ME TO THE CORE. BUT THE CREEPIEST PERSON THERE PERHAPS... SANTA CLAUS. I HAD FORGOTTEN WHAT TRUE HORROR WAS LIKE. IT HAD BEEN TOO LONG AFTER ALL SINCE I LAST SAW "THAT" WILL FERRELL MOVIE.

IN AN INSTANCE THE SWARMS AND SWARMS OF ELVES BEGAN SURROUNDING ME. THEY WERE SMALL, TINY IN STATURE SO I COULD OUTRUN ANYONE OF THEM. BUT... WITH SUCH A LARGE NUMBER, I STOOD NO CHANCE. IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE ONE OF THEM LANDED A LUCKY PUNCH KNOCKING ME UNCONSCIOUS.

"I HOPE YOU LIKE MILK AND COOKIES..." WHEN I AWOKE I WAS STRAPPED ONTO A DECENTLY COMFORTABLE SOFA. IN FRONT OF ME WAS AN OLD CRT TV, AND BESIDE ME WAS SANTA CLAUS, WITH THE SAID MILK AND COOKIES IN HIS HAND.

"HERE, I'LL PUT ONE OF THESE IN YOUR MOUTH SO IT'S EASIER FOR YOU TO EAT." I WANTED TO CRY AS I BEGAN TO CHEW ON THAT TASTY COOKIE. AS I FINISHED EATING IT, An EVIL GRIN BEGAN FORMING ON SANTA'S FACE AS HE TOOK OUT HIS OTHER HAND REVEALING A VHS TAPE. "I HOPE YOU LIKE WILL FERRELL... RAVIER."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Fiona: ...

Melanie: ZZZZZZ

Xavier: ...

Paula: I'd like to thank the academy.

Ned: AHEM... RIGHT OKAY SO ANYWAYS, TEAM 27 AND TEAM 5 ARE ELIMINATED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING DOWN. NO, I DON'T CARE THAT YOUR PLANETS DON'T HAVE A WRITING SYSTEM AND RELY SOLELY ON VIDEO COMMUNICATION YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER PLANETS NOT MY PROBLEM.