Chapter 3: The Degenerate of Wall Street

This was it; the tiki-masked aliens have their death beam pointed towards my planet ready to fire at any moment. All those people, all those lives, all those dreams, now in my hands. I took a deep breath readying myself to toss my final dice roll. A dice roll that not only determines the very fabric of current humanity but the existence of all future humanities as well. It was all in my hands now as I gently...

"ALRIGHT DIPSHITS IT'S TIME FOR THE NEXT TRIAL."

"AHH!"

Startled by Ned's voice, I accidentally dropped my dice before I could roll.

"Ohhhhh looks like no 3s this time either," Paula said, "Toots wins again!"

"835 to 24 to 0," Fiona added

Xavier: Wait NO! That doesn't count, Ned distracted me. You have to give me another roll.

Paula: Honestly I'm down for another round. What about you toots?

Ned: NO, NO MORE YAHTZEE WHAT THE FUCK, THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOUR RATINGS ARE TANKING RIGHT NOW.

Paula: Ok so?

Ned: IT'S SO BORING; THE VIEWERS WANT TO SEE SOME DRAMA OR AT LEAST SOME CHARACTER GROWTH. YOU 3 HAVE LITERALLY JUST BEEN PLAYING YAHTZEE FOR 2 DAYS STRAIGHT!

Fiona: Not our problem.

Ned: GRRR... ALRIGHT, NO MORE MINIPRIZES FROM NOW ON!

Paula: What! This is an outrage, we're going on strike.

Ned: ...WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS ISN'T A JOB YOUR PLANET WILL LITERALLY BE DESTROYED.

Paula: And?

Ned: …

Fiona: You have no leverage.

Ned: ALRIGHT FINE WHATEVER I'LL JUST GIVE YOU A LESS ATTENTION DRAINING MINIPRIZE. ALSO CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE WAKE MELANIE UP? MAIN SHOW'S LITERALLY STARTING IN 2 MINUTES.

For the past 2 days, Melanie had not once awakened from her slumber. The only reason we could tell she was okay still was that she would occasionally mumble with a dumb grin on her face as blood flowed out of her nose. She just looked so peaceful that none of us really bothered.

"Hey hey, Melanie Melanie," I said going up to shake her awake. The shakes appeared ineffective as she remained in her slumber.

"No, like this," Paula said squatting down next to Melanie. She leaned in to whisper in her ear, something just in range of me.

"NaruSasu never had a chance."

In an instant, Melanie shot up from the ground and glared at Paula angrily.

"The nerve! I'll have you know that you clearly did not notice the subtleties of Kishimoto's work. Just think about the fact that even from when they first met, Naruto mentioned Sasuke as his "Eternal rival". Now what does 'eternal' mean to you?"

"Yeah, we're good," Paula said giving me a thumbs up.

"Wait what? Why didn't you do that earlier?"

"I don't like using forbidden techniques. They have... a high cost."

"And let's not forget about Naruto's first kiss in the whole show! Was it Sakura? Was it Hinata? No! It was his one and only "Eternal rival" as he said. Now, some may think that scene was just meant as a joke, but the reality is the author had intent when..."

"Okay, I see what you mean."

"URGH, THIS IS TAKING WAY TOO LONG, I'M JUST GOING TO SPAWN THE HOLE DIRECTLY UNDERNEATH YOU SO WE GET TO THE MAIN SHOW FASTER.

As he said that, a hole indeed spawned right under us as we began falling into the abyss.

Xavier: AHHHHHH

Paula: AHHHHHH

Fiona: …

Melanie: Okay I mean sure, when we see their futures in Boruto they have their own families with different women but... first off it can be debated if Boruto is even true canon. But even if it is! They still have that "eternal rivalry" thing looming in the background where they somehow always manage to meet each other again and..."

"WELCOME EVERYONE TO TRIAL 2 OF ULTIMATE SILLY HUMANS"

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

When we arrived at the stadium, I noticed the glass walls in the stadium were further spread apart likely due to the total number of teams decreasing after the last trial. The floor too had returned to blue floor mats. What was even the point of changing them for just one trial? I'm still not sure.

"FOR THIS TRIAL WE HAVE EXPANDED THE AREA FOR EACH TEAM. HOWEVER, DUE TO SOME SMALL RENOVATION ERRORS, SOME OF YOU WILL HAVE TO SHARE AN AREA FOR TODAY."

"Huh, I wonder if we have to do that."

"So, it's you guys."

My question was answered when I turned around to see a team walking towards us. In the front stood who I assumed was the person that spoke; a man with dark brown hair, glasses, and brown eyes. Behind him were 2 women and a man who all also had dark brown hair and brown eyes. They were very normal looking and wore very normal swimsuits. The man with the glasses walked up to stand in front of me. The 4 of them looked so similar that I initially thought they were siblings.

"The infamous Planet 4,"

"Uh… hi? Who are you?"

"The name's Billy!" He shouted, "And we are..."

As he spoke, the team began weirdly twisting their bodies and grabbing each other's limbs doing some sort of weird shape pose.

"The Mobius Family!"

"... Wait, so you are siblings?"

"Yes, do we not look alike?"

"No no... just checking."

"The human Mobius strip," Fiona said recalling the pose from the trial before.

Billy broke out of formation before looking at Fiona with a smile.

"Ahhhh, so you remember young lady. Yes, indeed, we are the masters of the Mobius arts in our universe."

He turned towards me again.

"But even so, please, I must ask, what brought about the inspiration for you to create the masterful piece of art titled "Blond girl dominates submissive simp"?

"..."

"Too complex to explain?"

"No, it's just..."

"Say no more," Billy said putting a finger up to my lip, "for I wish not to know the story until I have the proper time to do so. As for now, however, we are competitors in this cruel game from the angels. "

"Angels?"

"Indeed, so sad that a planet capable of creating such fine works of art will be destroyed when this is all over. But when that day comes Sir Xavier, if you are not morning too hard, please consider coming to the royal palace of planet 24 as the angels call it. There we will treat you as honored guests."

As he said that, one of his sisters suddenly walked up to him.

"But dear brother; is that really alright? After all, is it not against the rules of the palace to invite foreigners, much less aliens, into the premises?"

"Perhaps, but for such great artists, we must make an exception. And even if it were against the rules dear sister."

Billy turned to his sister grabbing her hands and looking into her eyes. She blushed darting her eyes back and forth.

"Some rules are meant to be broken," Billy said as his sister's face flushed red turning away as she nodded.

Xavier: "Wait so are you two like... dating?"

Melanie: …

Fiona: …

Billy and siblings: …

Paula: Xavshit, what the fuck.

Xavshit: Wait no, it's an honest question!

Fiona: Xavier scum.

Xavshit: No no! I mean it's not that weird.

Melanie: Even I have standards, Xavier.

Xavshit: No but, if you look at history and the family lines of most kings and queens... I'm just saying, these guys are royalty right?

Billy: That does not make us savages! I say sir with all due respect, what is wrong with thou?

Xavshit: Please no! It was an innocent question I swear.

Billy: Well I say, I thought your planet to be full of sophisticated artists capable of creating great works such as "Blonde girl dominates submissive simp", but it is clear instead you are a planet full of degenerates! If that is the case, I will no longer feel bad if such a place never existed again. We will be returning to our part of the room then. Good day!"

"Good day!" Billy's siblings said in unison as they walked back in the direction they came from.

Xavier: Wait it was really just a question though. You don't think they're too mad right? Right?

Paula: Meh, it's whatever, they're not going to last another trial anyways.

Xavier: What? Why's that?

Paula: Too generic looking, those types never last for more than 1 gag.

Xavier: Yes but... unless this alien TV program is scripted...

Melanie: Mmmm… I don't know. He's definitely a rival candidate, but I don't see any abs.

Xavier: Is that all that matters?

Ned: ALRIGHT SILLY HUMANS, WE WILL NOW BEGIN THE 2ND TRIAL. I MENTIONED WE MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING RELATED TO CAPITALISM RIGHT? REWATCH THAT SCENE AND OTHERS ON OUR OFFICIAL YOUTUBE CHANNEL WE HAVE IT CLIPPED. ANYWAYS, PLEASE EVERYONE LOOK AT THE CENTER SCREEN.

As I looked up at the cube screen, I saw there what looked like... some candlestick charts?

"WELCOME HUMANS TO THE ALIEN STOCK MARKET!"

Melanie: Wow pretty colors,

Xavier: What, the charts?

Melanie: Yeah, just look at that one there. Red green red green red... uhhhh... more red? Super red now.

Ned: FOR THIS CHALLENGE, WE WILL BE PROVIDING YOU COMPUTERS ALONG WITH A TRANSFERRED AMOUNT EQUIVALENT TO $10000 ON A TRADING PLATFORM. YOUR JOB IS FOR THE NEXT 2 HOURS, TO DAY TRADE TO MAKE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN! THE 3 TEAMS WITH THE LOWEST NET WORTH AT THE END OF THE 2 HOURS ARE ELIMINATED. A BROWSER FOR THE INTERNET WILL ALSO BE PROVIDED FOR YOU TO SEARCH UP ON OUR SUPPLY CHAIN TO MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS FOR DAY TRADES.

When he finished speaking, a computer on a desk and 4 chairs popped up in front of us from the ground.

Ned: OKAY SO ONCE AGAIN, YOU WILL HAVE 2 HOURS TO EARN AS MUCH PROFIT FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY AS POSSIBLE. YOUR TIME WILL START... NOW.

Right as he finished speaking, a countdown timer showed on the center screen.

"Uhhh alright," I said grabbing the chair in front of the laptop, "this one shouldn't be too hard right? We just have to avoid being bottom 3. I assume some of the teams are going to get too risky so we just have to look at what the safe blue chip stocks are and then fall somewhere in the middle of the teams to ensure..."

"Step aside Xavdull, you're boring." Paula said pushing me onto the ground and taking my seat in front of the computer."

"Fiona has her maple syrup? Well I have a secret weapon to help me through these exact types of problems as well"

She reached into her bra and pulled out a small plastic bag filled with white powder.

"… Paula is that cocaine?"

"Hell yeah, you know it Xavgenerate, the same stuff I had earlier, I always take a small cut for myself during a job."

As she said that, she immediately spread some of the powder onto the table before sniffing.

"Hell yeah, feels so good, you guys want some?"

Xavier: I'm good...

Fiona: Overrated.

Melanie: Sure! That looks fun, is that sugar?

Paula: Uhhh... yeah sure! We'll go with that.

Xavier: Nope! You are not taking that. *Restrains Melanie*

Melanie: What! No fair! You're not my boss! Your boss is literally my father! Freedom for Melanie!

Paula: Anyways, so this is how this is gonna go dipshits. I got a full-proof strategy for this, guaranteed it can't go tits up. Stonks will only go up. Highly regarded if I do say so myself.

Xavier: What does that even mean?

Paula: I don't know but it sounds prova...

Xavier: Don't you dare, Kanye will actually sue us.

Paula: It's originally from a movie... Anyways, this is how it`s gonna work.

She clicked on the browser app of the computer before typing in the search bar and reaching what looked like a popular business forum for the aliens.

Paula: See, it doesn't matter where you are in the universe; the law of the screen captures remains the same.

Xavier: I'm afraid to ask...

After she typed into the search bar "my gains," and then sorted the posts by random, she arrived at a post from just a couple hours ago titled "NFT through the roof. From $2000 to $8000.

Paula: So, this screen cap rule I'm referring to basically states that if a person posts how much they made on a certain stock, it means that stock will soon tank.

She went back to the browser and typed "NFT" into the stock search before reaching a stock called NFT.

Xavier: Wait what? You're just going to invest based on something you saw online?

Paula: That's how it works nowadays slowvier. Elon makes one tweet, TSLA stocks shift 15%.

Xavier: I suppose...

Paula: Anyway, we just gotta short this Michael Burry style. And since this is a home run, let's allocate 75% of our funds to the purchase. The price right now is $58.23. How aggressive do you guys want to go? Pretty aggressive? Yeah me too, it can't go tits up, just look at that beautiful cup and hand dead cat bounce triple top bottom chart formation.

Xavier: Okay, those are definitely made-up terms.

Paula: They are not; I watched a tutorial video about this on YouTube. So, let's just buy here... 55$ strike price shorts expiring end of the day. That should get the job done.

Without hesitation, she confirmed the purchase before laying down another line on the desk and promptly snorting it.

Paula: God damn feels so good! Alright guys, whatcha think, back to the well again for another play? There has got to be a short squeeze stock we can pull some value out of.

Melanie: Wow, so red.

Paula: I know right! It's perfect, after those ridiculous screen caps, this will crash big time.

Fiona: Net worth chart.

Paula: What?

Fiona: Stock chart green.

Paula: *Turns to stock page*

Melanie: Wow, so green.

Paula: What! How is this possible, this must be big corporation corruption again. How is this 69$ now?

Fiona: Nice.

Paula: No not nice. Alright, I'm back on this forum to complain about...

Fiona: …

Melanie: …

Xavier: …

Paula: …

Xavier: Paula...

Paula: …

Xavier: This post is about crypto NFTs.

Paula: … fuck.

She clicked back to the stock page finally reading the description.

"Neuro Field Technologies is a company founded 2 years ago that specializes in technologies related specifically to helping the brain such as hearing aids, supplements, and hospital equipment."

Fiona: Sounds noble.

Paula: Noble my ass, fuck the mental patients, we need money!

Xavier: Okay, if we sell now we'll still recover 1/3 of our initial investment. It's gonna suck but...

Paula: Sell my ass; if we're going to be tricked by crypto shills, then we gotta just embrace their slogan of HODL. We not selling jack til we at least break even.

Melanie: Wow still green.

Xavier: Paula... our losses say –80%.

Paula: All part of the process.

NED: ALRIGHT WE ARE 30 MINUTES IN. THE RESULTS SO FAR WILL BE DISPLAYED ON THE CENTER TV.

Xavier: … guys we're dead last by 70%

Paula: Alright alright, it's okay guys, best case we just work at Wendy's.

Xavier: There won't be a Wendy's if the fucking world blows up!

Melanie: I've got an idea!

Xavier: Why not…

Melanie: But first you'll have to let go of me!

Xavier: Are you just trying to get the co… sugar?

Melanie: Yeah! Paula's finishing the whole thing as we speak!

Xavier: What the…

True to her word, as I looked back up, there Paula was, plastic bag emptied with the remaining contents laid out on the table. I imagine this was similar to 'Scarface' though I have never actually seen the movie.

Paula: Okay! Now that really hits the spot. Holy shit wow this hits so fucking hard. Fuck, I needed that kick to start doing this dumb-ass bullshit. Fuck I love drugs.

Her movements were swift, reflexes instant, and motor functions flawless as she punched away rapidly reading through all the posts on the business forum.

Ned: 10 MINUTES REMAIN; PLEASE START MAKING YOUR YOLO PLAYS NOW.

Xavier: just pick one.

Paula: Quiet dipshit! I need to do intense statistical analysis right now on this advanced graphing programming language only used by select industrial companies around the world.

Xavier: That's the calculator app…

Paula: Okay now with that done!

She went up to Fiona and whispered something in her ear.

Fiona: Yeah that'll probably work.

Paula: I'm counting on you toots!

Fiona: Worth the risk.

Paula took a deep breath and placed an option order on…

Melanie: Paula!

Suddenly, Paula fainted to the ground.

Xavier: The fuck, did she OD!?

I ran up to her with Melanie.

"Yo Paula what the fuck, are you okay."

"Argggghhhh" she gargled.

"Yo Fiona you going to help…"

As I looked up at Fiona however, it appeared she was typing on the computer keyboard. Well, I couldn't really blame her for being apathetic.

"Sheet, this is looking bad Paula," I said, "I'm not promising anything but like just in case, where do you have your Pokémon games stashed right now?"

"They're in…"

"AND TIME IS UP; PLEASE CHECK THE RESULTS FOR TODAY'S TRIAL."

"Huh?"

As I looked up at the screen, I saw there in first place, planet 14.