Like a Ghost

Qingqing slithered out of the basket and launched herself into the air as she transformed, so that she hit the ground on her two feet. She brushed herself off, daintily smoothing the folds of her gown that had gotten wrinkled. "Right. We stop here. It's rather steep going up so you will likely need your hands as well, if you're as clumsy as I remember. Leave the basket here. I'll come up after you, just to make sure Gui Yuan doesn't appear suddenly and attack us from behind. Go on, now."

She gestured impatiently at the slope in front of them. It had been a breeze being carried up here in the herb basket. She had ridden comfortably with her head stuck cautiously out over Xuxian's shoulder, guiding him with nudges in the right direction.

Xuxian put the basket down and took a deep breath as he gazed up the rocky hill. He began the climb as Qingqing turned and scanned their surroundings warily. She had no desire to feel Gui Yuan's hands around her throat again.

As the physician slowly and carefully ascended she wondered uneasily if Sister Bai was still up there after all. Perhaps she should have gone first, to check. If Sister Bai killed him on sight it would be a shame, if he was really here to beg her forgiveness. Oh well. Qingqing shrugged. She had done her part bringing him here. Whatever happened next was not her responsibility.

She settled down to keep guard.

Breathless, Xuxian clambered over the top of the slope. Several times the rocks had slid under his feet but despite Qingqing's low expectations of him he had not slipped or fallen. Standing up, he felt the shadows fall cool and moist against his skin. The trees here had grown so closely that their branches mingled like interlocked fingers, until you couldn't tell where one ended and one began. The faint sound of water lapping against stone could be heard. Remembering what Qingqing had said about the grotto, he made his way carefully towards the sound.

A large frog hopped away in alarm. Xuxian watched it disappear and realized that spring had arrived. He had not even noticed the change in the weather the last few days.

He stood at the lip of the cave, straining his eyes to see inside the shadows. The water glimmered beneath, like opal, with shifting depths that confused your eyes. There was a glimpse of something silvery, a fin. Was it a fish? Or was it snake scales?

Xuxian's heart was beating almost painfully in his chest. "Susu," he said hesitantly, and his voice sounded too loud in the silence. The echoes bounced off the cave walls with a dismal sound. Nothing responded and for a moment he wondered if Qingqing had tricked him. Then he took heart, believing that he heard the sound of someone catch their breath.

"Susu, it is I. I know you don't want to see me, but please, listen to me."

Moving forward slowly as he spoke, he stepped onto the rocks around the edge of the pool, careful not to slip on the ones that gleamed green with algae.

"You saved my life that day. And you have done nothing but good to me, all the time I have known you. It would be wrong of me not to trust you."

He was entering the grotto now. The sound of the water seemed to press against his eardrums, louder.

"I believe you didn't eat their hearts. The Susu I knew and loved would not. I should have believed you as I wanted to from the first."

Silence. Xuxian stepped onto the dry rocks, and tried to make out what lay in the shadows in front. The air inside the grotto was cool, almost as if it was still winter. He shivered involuntarily.

Still no answer. His heart sank. Was he talking to himself, then? Perhaps she had long gone. Even Qingqing would not know where to find here if Suzhen had decided to leave for good.

Xuxian sank to his knees. "Susu," he said earnestly, swallowing a quiver in his voice. "Even if you don't want to answer me, I ask for your forgiveness. Can you forgive me for being blinded by fear?"

He stared at the rocks under his hands as there was no reply. "I am miserable without you. My heart has been hurting ever since I sent you away. I have realized that you killed to protect people, the same way I heal to protect. I have my skills, you have yours…"

His voice died in his throat as he saw a white figure slowly appear in the gloom, like a ghost. It came towards him, becoming clearer, like something rising to the surface of water, and he saw Susu's face looking back at him.

She was very pale. Her skin had become dull and her eyes were wide and unseeing. As she emerged into the light the pupils, which had expanded like a cat's, gradually focused on him, and a ghost of her old self seemed to peek through them once more. The line of her lips looked like something carved in jade, as if they had not moved in days, and disheveled wisps of hair framed her face. Every line of her figure looked exhausted. The past five days, she had been torn with emotions; anger, heartbreak, confusion, regret. Every time she tried to cultivate she had been unable to quieten her spirits, until she gave up in despair and simply sat motionless in the grotto, reliving her memories with Xuxian, asking herself for the hundredth time, like a child vexed with a difficult problem, whether she had done right.

"You came," she said faintly, incredulously.

A smile, more pitiful than tears, cracked the stony line of her lips.

"Why did you come?" she whispered, and her eyes were large with bitter reproach. "I thought you told me never to see you again. Didn't you say that it was impossible for us?"