A Bowl of Porridge

Xuxian drew a deep breath.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he said, keeping his voice steady with an effort.

Suzhen's face twisted with an old hurt. "I couldn't bear to lose you," she whispered miserably.

"You should have told me the truth," he repeated agitatedly.

"Would you have married me, then? I tried, Xuxian. I tried to tell you, believe me. But you told me you would love me despite my past. Your love seemed so strong, so trusting--"

"Then why didn't you trust that it would be enough ?" he cried out. "if you had told me then, how different it would be!"

"Why is it different now?" Suzhen demanded.

Xuxian looked at her with tortured eyes. "I don't know," he confessed helplessly. "Now, I--I feel betrayed. You kept me in the dark all this time. All the while you were behind those deaths, and you never would have told me if I hadn't discovered it by chance. How can it not feel different?"

He got up slowly from the bed, holding onto the frame for support. "Why did you have to kill all those people, Susu?" he asked in a voice that ached. He knew that the answer would only hurt him again, but he had to hear it from her lips.

She felt tears quivering in her eyes, blurring her vision. "They were bad people. I wanted to keep everyone safe. Why was it wrong to kill them?".

"Was it necessary to eat their hearts? Zheng Haoran, did he have to die so horribly? I admit, the bandits were evil people, but even then, did you have to be so cruel? You are so powerful you can decide who can live or die. It doesn't mean much to you, does it?"

"I did not kill Zheng Haoran." whispered Susu numbly. "I did not eat any of their hearts."

Xuxian looked searchingly at her with bitterness in his eyes. "Susu--I want so much to believe you."

Her head jerked up. "Then believe in me, as you would have without a doubt in the past."

"That was the past." He paused, struggling for words. "I thought I knew who you were then. I would have died for you. I would never have believed it if anyone tried to tell me this about you. But then I find out you've been hiding so much from me all along, since the beginning. Everything I thought I knew was wrong. You ask me to believe you, but moments ago you would have continued to lie to me, pretend nothing had happened."

"Put yourself in my shoes," she pleaded. "Can't you understand why I did that? I love you. I didn't want you to be hurt."

"Then can't you put yourself in mine?" he cried sharply. There was a shocked silence as she stared at him. She had never seen him look at her like that--as if she was a stranger, as if he was not sure what she would do next, and was afraid of her.

Xuxian looked down, breathing heavily. He tried to calm himself down, and gave up. Finally he spoke, with a desperate frankness that tore at her heart.

"Susu, I'm in a lot of pain now." he said brokenly. "I don't know what is the right thing to do. Perhaps I don't want to know."

"What is the right thing?" she echoed faintly, her voice strained.

He looked hopelessly at her, then looked away and said nothing.

Suzhen felt her limbs overcome with weakness. Heavily she sat down on the floor before him, dazed. Was he actually going to hand her over to the monk?

Xuxian's voice was dull. "You should go. Back to the mountains where you used to live. You can hide from him there even if he comes looking for you. He knows about you--he was the one who suggested the realgar wine."

She listened as if in a dream. Go back? What was he talking about?

"I'll tell them that we quarrelled, that I sent you away, that it wasn't your fault, if you wish. It is my responsibility after all for bringing you here."

"I don't need your pity," she whispered, stunned. How could it be possible that he was sending her away?

He took a deep breath. "Rest assured, I won't tell them about you. Yuanzheng, Granny Hong--they won't know. But you must promise never to come near any of the villagers again. I can't force you to keep this promise, I know. You are much more powerful than I. But I believe you will, if only for the sake of our relationship this past year."

"You're sending me away," she repeated, barely audible.

He could not bring himself to look at her. "What else can I do? How could we continue as if nothing had happened, as if--" he choked, "as if you weren't a snake spirit in a human form?"

Anger sparked in Suzhen. She got to her feet, facing him squarely. "And what is so wrong about that? Haven't we lived happily together for a year? Don't you know me at all, after all? Do you really believe I would eat those people's hearts?"

Xuxian stared bleakly back at her. "I don't know," he said in a tight, choked voice. "I don't know anymore. Susu--"

"Don't call me that," she said crisply. Tears, hot ones of anger and hurt, stung at her eyes, blinding her. "I thought that perhaps after all this, you could accept me, having known what I was like. Instead you still believe that I'm a bloodthirsty monster greedy for power. Why did you marry me, then? Why did you tell me my past didn't matter?"

"If I had known--" Xuxian began passionately, an angry glint rising into his eyes as well.

He stopped short but Suzhen caught her breath, cut to the heart by the unspoken words hovering in the air.

"If you had known, you would never have married me. Is that right?"

There was a silence that put heartbreak between them for all time. Something died in that moment, never to be recovered.

She gazed wordlessly at him, a bitter smile on her lips.

"I see that I've made a fool of myself for nothing." she said softly. "I won't stay here to trouble you anymore, Physician Xu. May you live your life well."

Suzhen bowed lowly to him, and then turned away. She walked out of the hut without a backward glance, her shoulders straight and rigid.

Xuxian watched her go, his face expressionless. Long after she had disappeared down the path he still continued to stare out of the door.

When his gaze finally wandered from it, it fell on the bowl of porridge on the table. It was long cold.

His face twitched convulsively at the sight of it. With a hoarse sob, he buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking.