Don't Speak

After sitting in the car for three hours with my grandmother, I couln't possibly be happier when we rolled past the sign for Donollee Hospital on Thursday afternoon. I had skipped my last class of the day, choosing instead to catch a ride up with my grandma for her bi-monthly visit.

I brought a bouquet of sunflowers we had picked up at a market about a quarter mile down the road, but I had to ditch the cellophane, and the rubber bands that hold it together. I know the deal by now. I should after five years.

"It's so good to see you, Vale," Polly, a middle aged black woman, greeted me with a hug. She's been my mom's nurse for the past three years and we've grown a rapport. She was the first person to congratulate me when I got accepted to Brentwood. "I just gave your mom her medications, so she's sittin by the window she likes so much."

"Thanks, Polly, how is she today?" my grandma asked.

"She's ok, Pen. It was a rough morning this morning. We had to sedate her, but she seemed a little better when she got up from her nap. She's kinda coming in and out, you know how it goes."

My stomach dropped. I do know how it goes. Every once in awhile when we come to visit my mom, she's the same as she used to be. Those are the really good days, but they're few and far between. If we lived closer, we might be able to be here for more of those. Unfortunately, it was between having her at a good facility and having her nearby my grandma and me. Dad is still living up in Maine, but I'm only about forty five minutes from my Grandma Penelope, and this hospital is about three hours from campus. There are other options, sure, but we want to make sure that she can be comfortable with the best doctors day in and day out. That's the most important factor for us.

I handed the flowers to Polly who leaves to fetch one of the big plastic cups they use for vases around the hospital. They can't have glass, for obvious reasons. Although this is a great facility, they still can't watch everyone twenty four seven, and some of the people that live in the ward have worse delusions than my mom does. Therefore, no one gets glass vases. Or knives, or real silverware. There's a list somewhere, but those are the big ones I have to remember.

We finally came around the corner of the long carpeted hallway to find my mom in a chair by the large picture window. She likes this one the best because it has a beautiful view, especially this time of year. As the leaves give way from their summer-green to varied autumn shades it colors the skyline brilliantly.

The floor she's in is on the third out of four, and the city is rich and lush with mature trees at varying heights. The hospital also boasts a large field out this direction with green lawns that extend to some rose bushes toward the back of the property that bloom well into autumn. On a clear day like today, it feels like you can almost see tomorrow on the horizon.

I sidle up next to my mom who is in a pair of yoga pants and the pink puffy robe I bought her for her birthday. She used to always complain about being cold, so she wears it around the halls here like a second skin.

"Hi mom, how are you?"

She looks up to me, confusion lacing her features before she catches sight of Grandma Pen over my shoulder, which must have sent her mind whirring in the right direction because realization fell over her after that.

"Oh, Vale! She stood, wrapping her arms around me tightly, resting her frail body against mine. My mom is short, like me, but is also small in stature - only about a hundred pounds soaking wet. She was a dancer once upon a time with toned muscles and a bright smile, but those faded about the time everything else did. The same time her light flickered out.

"Hi Mom," she said, before giving Grandma the same treatment I got just a moment ago.

"My Lord, Lauren, aren't they feeding you? I swear you've lost ten more pounds."

My mom pulls back and smiles. "Yeah, they feed me. Sometimes I even eat what they feed me." I feel my own smile widening at her quick wit. It's nice to see that sometimes, even though it's fleeting.

"I brought you some sunflowers. Polly is getting a vase."

"Oh Vale, sweetie, you're so good to me," she sighs, while she starts picking at my curls. Sunflowers are her favorite. I try to bring them every time I can, but they're not easy to find year round. "What brings you guys out? I didn't know you were coming today."

"Oh, I had it in my planner, and Vale asked if I could pick her up and bring her with me."

My mom's brows furrow, confusion setting in momentarily. "How did you get here from Maine, Vale?"

I clear my throat. "I'm going to college right up the way, remember mom? That way I'm close to you and Grandma."

She makes a face as though she remembers, but I know she doesn't. It's ok. The doctors have been working on her memory for a long time. Unfortunately they can't find anything medically wrong with it. Her official diagnosis is Schizophrenia with Paranoid Delusions. She sees things that aren't there, hears things that don't exist, and manages to go down rabbit holes all on her own on a regular basis. None of that, though, explains her struggle with memory to the degree she struggles.

"That's right. I'm sorry I forgot. How's school going?"

I smile brightly, pulling up an ottoman next to the chair she's sitting in by the window. "It's pretty good. I'm loving my classes this year, most of them anyway, and I'm making some new friends. I also get to work in the DJ booth."

"You always did make the most beautiful music, honey. What I wouldn't give to be able to listen to you play me some songs."

My grandma registers a thought. "I bet we could record something, couldn't we Valencia?" I flinch at the use of my full name. Only my grandma and my father use it and most of the time I forget it exists. I generally shy away from anything that reminds me of my father.

"I'm sure I could think of something. Maybe I'll ask Penny if I can mail you a CD or something. Do you have somewhere you could listen to it?"

My mom shrugs. "We do music therapy on Tuesdays, so I'm sure that there's a radio somewhere in this God forsaken building. How's your daddy?"

I pin my smile tight. "He's doing great. Real great."

My mom nods, letting out a deep breath. She always asks about him and I don't know why she cares. It's his years of systemic abuse that finally broke her and put her in this place. But that's my Mom. She's beautiful inside and out. She cares about everyone, even when they don't deserve it. Especially, when they don't deserve it.

I heard footsteps shuffling across the carpet behind us and turned to find Polly coming up with the vase of flowers I brought. "Your daughter is so good to you, Lauren, look at these beautiful sunflowers."

My mom's eyes light up like someone just gave her a million dollars and my heart wrenches. It's such a small thing, but it makes her so happy.

"Thanks, baby. I missed you."

***

I wasn't able to get to sleep after visiting my mom on Thursday, so I ended up skipping my first two classes on Friday. One of which was Bio. I can't say I was sorry to be missing Kaden. Our Wednesday class was painfully awkward because we're now stuck sitting next to eachother and neither one of us was willing to acknowledge that the other existed. When the excuse to miss today came up, let's just say, I didn't cry about it.

"Alright guys, that last hour was a non-stop breath of fresh air from the nineties. I didn't choose it, so don't shoot the messeneger. This is Vale, here, for your Friday night, and this next hour is going to be all local. We'll start it off with two from Summer Rush, here at Brentwood Radio."

I let the two songs from one of the all girl indie groups on campus start rolling before going back to my laptop. Travis just left for the evening and I've got this one hour left before I can do the same. My favorite part about working campus radio, though, is that I can do my homework between sets. Right now I'm in the middle of researching for a paper on the Romantic Period of music.

Admittedly, as much as I love music, and getting my degree in music, music history is not my favorite of my classes. It's a lot of information and memorization and not a lot of creation.

I'm heavily involved in a chapter about Puccini's La Boehm and it's effect on the era and how Opera was written going forward when my one of my headphones is lifted off my ear.

"Vale!"

I whip my head to the side with enough force that I pull the other side of my headphones off causing them to clatter onto my laptop keyboard in front of me.

The shock to my system is still registering when I realize that Kaden is standing next to me inside my DJ booth. The electric energy flowing through me easily changes from shock to anger.

"What are you doing? You can't just come into a DJ booth, Kade."

His surprise at my reaction is the first thing that registered on his face before it the look quickly morphs to that of amusement. "Hi to you too, Val. I didn't just come into the booth. First I knocked on the station door, and then I knocked on that window right in front of you, and finally I came in the DJ booth when neither of those two things were able to get your attention."

Oh, snotty. "Still doesn't mean you can just walk in here. How did you even know I was here?"

His smile turns teasing. "If only there were some way for me to know that. Like if you had, perhaps, said it to the entire campus five minutes ago so that anyone could have heard you?"

I'm an idiot. I'm fighting a smile but I can't contain it entirely. As much as he pisses me off, he always seems to know exactly what to say to engage me, so I'll let him have this one.

"What brings the great Kaden West to the radio station this evening?"

He starts unzipping his laptop bag. "Where were you today? You weren't in class?"

"Sleeping."

He scoffs. "Yeah, being a drug dealer has some late nights."

"I'll just have to take your word for it." He shoots me a look thats one part impressed, one part irritated, and makes me one hundred percent pleased with myself.

"Well, regardless, you weren't in Bio today. I brought you notes. We have a project we have to start working on. We have three weeks to get it done, but you missed the lecture today, so I thought I'd bring these by."

The idea that he had come by just to see me, or even just to bring me Bio notes brought warmth to my traitorous insides, but he made sure to let me know that it was self serving which was like a cold shower to my feminine wiles.

"Oh, thanks. I appreciate you taking the time to bring those by." I reach to grab the notepad from his outstretched hands before he pulled them back, and pointed to the mic. Jesus. I almost missed my cue. That's why no one is supposed to come in the DJ booth.

I kicked off the floor, pushing the wheel-ey stool across the concrete and throwing the headphones on one ear, flipping the mic on. "Alright, hope you guys all have some great plans tonight, I know I do, this next one is a set from Black Canvas' latest. Someone told me this one was derivative, and I don't really think that was fair, we'll let you be the judge."

I queued up Crushed Velvet followed by Sonnet, which is actually my favorite song of the album, but I'll never admit to it.

"Har har, very funny."

I shot him a smile. "I thought so."

I pulled the papers from his hands using more force than necessary and flipped them open to find that he takes impressively immaculate notes that must have already been copied over into the perfect outline for today's discussion.

"These are awesome, Kaden, thank you."

Kaden gives me a nod before resting his perfectly sculpted behind on the edge of the switchboard and kicking one foot over the top of the other before folding his arms. "So, you said you had plans later?"

I mentally kicked myself. "Uh, yeah. I'm hitting Kappa Kappa Tau's party with Dave and Gabs when I'm out of here."

"Same. Do you want a ride?"

I clench my teeth to stop myself from accepting immediately. My heartbeat ticks up a notch while I try to figure out what the play is here. I chance a look at him and he's studying me carefully. My tongue juts out, moistening my bottom lip without my permission. "Uh, I think Dave's taking us, as long as I make it home in time."

His eyes darken momentarily before he gives me a brusque nod. "So, is Dave like, a really good friend of yours? I saw you at his party last week."

Is he jealous? His eyes are cast down to his feet as he toes at something I can't see on the flooring, but his expression is unreadable.

"Yup," I say, giving nothing away. If he isn't willing to come out and say it, then neither am I. He just nods before pushing a hand through his hair and drawing himself back up to full height.

"I'll see you there, then?"

I shrug. "Maybe."

He shoots me a shy smile, taking me aback. Shy isn't a word I'd ever use in the same sentence as the name Kaden West. He's full of surprises.

Once he's made his way out of the station, I immediately start packing up my shit, finding myself grateful that I had brought my makeup and a change of clothes with me. I fired off a quick text to Gabby.

Hey. Can you guys just pick me up here in forty-five? Kaden is going to be at the party so I need to beat him there if I want to accomplish anything.

I pull out my broken makeup bag and mirror and start throwing my face together when I get a text back.

Yep. Dave is already on his way here, so we'll leave early. See you soon.

Perfect.