2.3 FALLEN (2)

"Jess! Wait!" I heard Josh calling my name as I walked away from him. I tried to walk faster, gathering my thoughts together.

'This isn't right,' I told myself and soon enough he caught my arm. He spun me around to face him.

"Jessica," he called softly. "Tell me why you can't."

"Josh, please... Just let me go. I'm so confused," I replied, trying hard not to gaze at his eyes. Though my mind hesitated, my heart was about to explode. It wanted him so badly and I knew the moment my eyes locked with him, the world would stop again.

"Jess, why did you kiss me back? Why did you let me kiss you again?" he mumbled as he cupped my face.

The questions that he threw at me forced me to look into his eyes. What would I say? That I like kissing him? That it just felt right?

I knew it was wrong.

"There was something there, Jess. I felt it. Why can't you let yourself feel it?" he whispered. I could hear the desperation in his voice, waiting for validation perhaps of what I felt for him.

But I just could not confess what I feel at that moment...

His eyes searched for answers in which I decided not to give.

"Josh, please…" I pleaded as my voice cracked. It hurt to see him like this, desperate to have my heart and yet... I knew I could still not give it to him fully.

"Jess, I love you and I know you knew that eversince."

"But it's not right…"

"What's not right? Can't you see? Siegfred was an asshole for letting you go, and he's never going back to you, Jess. I'm here… I won't hurt you."

"But Josh... I... I still love him."

I saw his face changed and the hurt was evident in his eyes.

"Why, Jess? Why can't I be the one? Why him?"

"Josh… I…" somehow I don't know what to say to make him feel better. I knew in my heart it was all a lie. My heart had fallen for him and yet… why am I stopping myself?

He shoved his hand through his hair as he let me go. Then like in defeat, he flung his arms in frustration.

"Right... I guess I was just so foolish to think you could look at me the way you do with Siegfred. I thought I had a chance… I thought... shit!" he cursed and he covered his eyes, wiping at what seems to be tears in his eyes. I took a step, suddenly feeling guilty. But then he looked at me with a mixture of anger and hurt.

"I guess the more foolish one was you. Because until now you still love the person who could never love you back the way I love you," he retorted, and turn his back away from me.

"Shit!" I hear him curse some more as he sniffed.

I wanted to follow him but my feet were frozen to the ground.

He was right. I was a fool to love his jerk cousin knowing Siegfred would never love me.

He never did anyway.

But I also knew I could not just move on with Josh…

I don't want him to be second in my heart because he deserved so much more.

I don't deserve him… I wished he had loved someone else instead of me because I knew I would just hurt him...

But I guess I was the one hurting myself even more...

**********

Weeks had passed and I haven't seen Josh. Somehow I was so used to his presence that it felt the day was not complete without him.

I missed him...

I sat on the bench where we usually sit together and waited, wondering if he would ever come. But he never did.

I was stupid to think that I could ever have the chance to love someone else again. Now that I knew in myself that I am ready to have him, he was already gone...

The cold wind continued to blow through my face as the leaves fell from the oak tree where the bench was. I watched as few more leaves started to fall from the tree, making it look empty. The tree that we're once filled with leaves had only one left hanging on it and somehow that was how I felt.

A small part in my heart was still hoping that Josh would show himself and tell me that he still had feelings for me... That somehow we still have a chance to be together.

I glanced at my phone, checking the time and also hoping it would ring.

Where has he gone to?

I hugged myself closely as the wind continued to blow. My body was feeling cold yet hot tears fell from my eyes.

'How pathetic!' I scolded myself. 'This is what you deserve anyway after rejecting a good guy like Josh.'

I glanced at the time again and hopelessly thought, it was time to let go.

So I gathered my things and was about to stand up when I heard a familiar voice.

"Jess..." it called.

I turned to look as the tears continued to stream down my cheeks, not because of sadness but because I was elated.

"You're here," I managed to say as I stood and took a step towards Josh but he was quicker than me.

He strode over to my side and cupped my face.

"I knew I'd find you here..." he whispered as he gazed at me. "I miss you."

I chuckled and playfully strike him on his chest.

"I hate you! You make me sit here for weeks and now you say you miss me?" and I sniffed as my voice cracked. "I missed you so much... You just have no idea how I beat myself up for rejecting you that day. Guess, you're right. I was a fool and I thought I lost you. I-"

My words were interrupted as soft warm lips covered mine. I closed my eyes as I pulled his neck towards me. The kiss started slowly then the intensity increased, making me feel hot inside. Soon, he let my lips go and I held on to his neck, eyes still closed, feeling my knees wobbled. I felt his hands held onto my waist as he placed his forehead onto mine, breathing heavily.

"Jessica…" he whispered. "I love you."

I slowly opened my eyes and chuckled. I wanted to tell him how I felt but he won't let me speak.

"I'm sorry to let you wait… I was so hurt but now I knew-"

"I love you, too, Josh," I confessed.

He smiled and nodded.

"I know…" Josh answered.

"I have fallen hard for you the moment you kissed me… but I guess I had it all along… I just don't want to admit it."

"It's okay…"

I smiled. Despite of me rejecting him at first, he's still here, trying to be patient…

Loving me…

"It's not, Josh…I've hurt you."

He lifted his head to look at me.

"You didn't… well, maybe at first but then I realized… I love you and I'm willing to wait until you're ready."

"I want to give my heart fully to you because you deserve it."

He smiled.

"So… does that mean you're ready now."

"Are you stupid? Why do you think I'd wait for you every single day here if I didn't?"

He let out a soft chuckle.

"Just checking…." and he pulled my face to him again to kiss me.

"I love you," he whispered as he let my lips go.

"I love you, too," I whispered back.

"What's next?" and I saw a wicked glint in his eyes.

"What? Already?" and I smacked his arm. "Pervert!"

"Ouch! Hey! I'm not like that."

I placed my hands around his neck and smiled sweetly.

"I know…"

He smiled at me and gave a peck on my lips.

"Thanks for giving me a chance, Jess."

"No, thank you for truly loving me… and waiting for me."

We hugged then walked onto the path while the wind blew leaves around us before slowly falling to the ground.