28

KABANATA 28: Downfall

I never thought that a day and night without him would be so lonely. Kung noon ay parati kong hinihiling na umalis siya upang tumakas, ngayon naman ay tahimik akong nananalangin na sana'y umuwi na siya nang muli kong makasama. Napakahirap nga talaga ng aming sitwasyon, at masasabi kong mapapahamak talaga kami sa isang maling desisyon. Lumipas ang ilang araw, hindi ko nakita ni anino ni Lyreb. Hindi siya bumalik, walang bakas ng anumang pagbibisita o pagtitingin niya sa aking kalagayan.

At walang oras na hindi ko siya inisip, kung maayos ba siya. Kung nakakakain ba siya ang maayos, kung inaalagaan siya doon, o pinapahirapan. Hindi ko matiim na isiping naghihirap siya dahil sa akin, hindi ko kayang isipin. Hindi ko mapigilan ang aking sariling umiyak. Kung alam kong ganito ang mangyayari sa amin, sana pala'y hindi nya na lang ako iniligtas. Ngunit kung hindi niya iyon ginawa at isa sa organisasyon niya nakapulot sa akin, magiging maayos kaya ang buhay ko? Baka isa na lamang akong kaluluwa ngayon.

It was all because of that black book. I have never seen such black book, at mas lalong hindi ko alam kung saan ito matatagpuan. Tahimik akong nagplano ng aking gagawin upang tulungan si Lyreb, ngunit nauuwi lamang ako sa pag-iyak dahil alam kong wala lang naman akong maitutulong. This ain't fantasy, I am no assassin nor skilled lady fighter, this ain't movie to easily defeat villains, this is reality and we are amidst suffering and great devastation. I am fully devastated, papano pa si Lyreb? I thought he was the worst man, and he really was because of his traumatic experiences. It it were not because of him, siguro'y nakaka experience na rin ako ngayon ng mga nakakatraumang pangyayari. Kung hindi dahil sa pagligtas niya sa akin, siguro'y mas malala na ako sa kaniya. Brainwashed, tortured… I can't even imagine myself being beaten by several persons. Baka bumigay kaagad ako, baka hindi ko kayanin at mahugutan akong hininga. Paano pa si Lyreb? He experienced all of those, he didn't told me anything but I not dumb not to analyse and realize what he had been through.

Suddenly, I felt sorry for judging him. And this is why we should never judge anyone, we have our own storms in our life, we struggle. But we have no idea what cyclones and hell does the others had been through, so we must not judge. I doomed him when in fact he just saved me from hell, I doomed him when in fact he just hid me from everyone who's after me. I doomed him when all he just did was to run for me even if that means catching a bullet behind my back. I doomed him for abducting me, when in fact he just did what he could to protect me from anyone that night. I never understood his reasons behind all of his acts towards me since he is in denial, but these facts are giving me hopes to connect ties with him even more. To have hopes on him, that he have still a heart that beats for justice, serenity, and love.

My thoughts were cut off when a loud bang thundered the door. Kinakabahan akong dumako roon, at ganoon na lamang ang tuwang aking naramdaman nang makita kung sino ang taong iyon. Nagliwanag ang mukha ko nang mapagtantong dumating na ang taong pinakahihintay ko. Lyreb is back… with bloodstains, and scars. I can't even recognize him if it wasn't my heart beating crazy whenever he is near. Nangamba ako nang maalala ang sinabi ni Rupert. Na babalik si Lyreb, ngunit hindi na siya ang Lyreb na nagmmahal sa akin.

Ayoko siyang paniwalaan, ngunit ang Lyreb na nakikita ko ay eksaktong eksakto sa sinabi noon ni Rupert. What the hell happened to my beast? Mukha siyang galing sa barilan, may mga tama siya ng bala sa braso at balikat, dumudugo ang kaniyang ulo at duguan ang kaniyang tiyan. His white shirt has become red due to bloodstains, and his menacing eyes were all dark. He wasn't the Lyreb I have known, he wasn't my Lyreb anymore.

"Lyreb?" I stuttered and nervously went out of my room. Gusto ko siyang yakapin, gusto kong takbuhin ang pagitan naming ngunit nilalamon ako ng takot dahil nararamdaman kong tuluyang naging halimaw ang lalaking unti-unting nagbago noon para sa akin, "Lyreb…" Tears escaped from my eyes. I didn't felt how it formed, it just fell. At totoo ang sakit na nararamdaman ng aking puso, mabigat, nakakatakot, nakakapanghina.

"Is that you?"

Walang emosyon ang kaniyang mga mata habang pinapanuod ako. Pumapatak ang dugo sa kaniyang ulo, para iyong pinalo ng bakal at dumugo. Natutop ko ang aking bibig, papano itong nakakaya ni Lyreb? Papaano niyang natitiis ang ganitong sitwasyon? I can't even bear to look at him suffering, dahil ang puso ko ang nawawasak.

"Lyreb…"

"Get out…"

Ganoon na lamang kabilis na bumuhos ang aking mga luha dahil sa kaniyang sinabi. Nagkatotoo nga ang mga sinabi ni Rupert. Lyreb came back like a beast, and he was not my Lyreb anymore. That thing was fine with me, I still have hopes that I can tame him, but Rupert also said he'll drag me out of this place himself, and Rupert was not wrong. I am doing my best to escape from his grip, ganoon na lamang kalakas ang paghagulgol ko habang pilit na kumakawala sa kaniyang pagkakahawak habang hinihila ako palabas ng kaniyang lumang bahay.

"Lyreb ano ba!"

"Go away!" He yelled as he harshly traipsed the way to his car, "To the farthest places, away from here, away from me. Pumunta ka sa mga pulis, hanapin mo ang natitira mong pamilya, live a life without me!" sigaw niya habang malakas na napapamura dahil sa pagmamatigas ko.

Nang hindi niya ako mahila dahil halos humiga na ako sa damuhan ay binuhat niya ako patungo sa kaniyang sasakyan at walang pasabing ipinasok doon. Tuluyan akong nalito nang mapagtantong hindi ako nag-iisa sa sasakyang iyon, may nakaupo sa driver's seat habang pinapanuod ang madrama naming huling pagkikita.

Inabot ko ang mga kamay ni Lyreb at desperado siyang niyakap, "Please don't do this to me! Alalahanin mo ang mga pangako mo sa akin, hayop ka! Wake up, come back to your senses!"

But he was the beast he was made by his organization. Itinapon niya sa akin ang isang bag na naglalaman ng pera at matalim akong tinitigan, "You and I, don't exist anymore. You only exist, I do not exist anymore…" garalgal ang kaniyang tinig, halatang nahihirapan at nagpipigil ng emosyon, "Go, live a life! A life away from this kind of nature! Never look for me, kakalimutan na kita. Kalimutan mo na rin ako!"

Bawat salitang kaniyang binibitawan ay tumatagos sa aking puso. Talagang hindi ko matiim dahil ang paghagulhol ko'y parang alulong ang asong nahihirapan. Marahas akong umiling-iling at pilit na inabot ang kaniyang mukha ngunit umatras siya at pilit na isinara ang pinto sa likod ng sasakyan kung saan ako naroroon.

"Go, we were meant to be strangers. Forget about me, and live a life. Go my princess…"

Dahil sa mga katagang iyon ay mas lalo lamang akong nabuhay nang pag-asa. Kung tunay ang nangyayari sa mga pelikulang halik ang nakagpapagising sa mga halimaw, handa akong gawin ito. Dahil nakakakita pa ako ng pag-asa kay Lyreb, sa aking minamahal.

"You promised…"

"That promise do not exist,"

My heart broke into pieces, para akong tinusok sa dibdib at talagang nakakapanghina ang sakit. Mas lalo akong napahagulgol nang paandarin ng driver ang sasakyan. Sa tingin ko'y kaedad ni Lyreb at kasama niya sa organisasayon ang lalaking iyon.

"NO, NO!" I yelled as I tried to open the door. I never had the chance to kiss him, to wake my Lyreb up. I never had the chance to do something for him, ganoon na lamang kasakit ang huli naming pagkikita. Tuluyang lumayo ang sasakyan sa bahay ni Lyreb nang magsitanguan ang dalawang lalaki, tila nagkaintindihan sa ganoong paraan.

I yelled and squealed and screamed on top of my lungs. Wala akong ibang bukambibig kundi ang pangalan ni Lyreb, ang kaniyang mga pangako, ang mga ala-ala naming dalawa… ang pagsambit ko ng aking nararamdaman sa kaniya. Halos mapaos ako sa paulit-ulit na mura habang sinisipa ang sasakyan. Mas lalo pa akong naging halimaw nang tumakbo si Lyreb upang panuorin ako sa pinakahuling pagkakataon.

Hanggang sa tuluyan na akong nanghina, nawalan ng lakas at napagod.  He's slowly disappearing on my sight. Napakasama ng pakiramdam ko, kulang na lamang ay himatayin ako dahil sa pagod at panghihina. Lumuluha kong pinanuod ang tuluyang pagkawala ni Lyreb sa daan. I never had the chance to kiss him, to hug him, to tell him I love him… very much… so damn much. I never had the chance to thanked him, to say I am sorry for judging him. I never had the very chance to say that I already forgave him, and that I want to clarify that I also wanted to be with him. All our plans lost as he finally disappeared from my sight.

Nakita ko siyang bumagsak, at tuluyang nabiyak ang puso ko. This is such a painful goodbye, you have to part ways when you don't even wanted to for every everyone's best sake. The most painful goodbye, is when you don't had the chance to say goodbye because you just parted in just a glimpse. I never had the chance to say atleast goodbye to him, to tell him how much I long to see him, to tell him how much I love him. I lost Lyreb, he lost me, we lost each other, and this tragic not so love story will never be forgotten. If only I knew those moments would be the last, I would've had embraced everything in a soft way and slower.

Us, Lyreb and I don't exist anymore… for the thing we never existed in the first place.

-

How are you, people? :))